Chapter Sixteen
Pelinom Castle
He was at peace.
At least, that’s what he told himself. But the truth was that he felt anything but peace. Here he was, at his ancestral home, the fortress where he was born, and he expected a certain amount of comfort from the place.
You are home now. Be at peace.
Those words kept rolling through his mind, over and over, as he tried to convince himself that he was where he needed to be.
Not out and about in Berwick, or at an unfamiliar castle like Felkington with people he thought were his friends, but here where his family lived.
People who never lied to him or humiliated him.
He was never going to leave again.
His jaunt from Felkington earlier in the day had been rather fast because Felkington wasn’t far from Pelinom.
It was less than a half-day’s ride, so he’d made excellent time.
He’d been greeted by his mother and, surprisingly, his sister, Effington and her husband, Rod.
Then he’d been attacked by three nephews when he walked in the door, Effington’s young sons Reid and Rigg, the twins, and their younger brother, Ross.
Julian had wrestled with lads he’d not seen since they were very little but they seemed to have no fear in trying to take him down, which they very nearly did when Ross threw himself into the back of Julian’s knees.
He could still hear his sister laughing.
Truth be told, it had been a marvelous way to be welcomed home. It had taken his mind off his troubles, but only briefly. For even now as he stood beneath the light of a three-quarter moon and watched the landscape beyond the walls of Pelinom, he could only think of one thing.
Lista.
He was coming to regret fleeing Felkington without telling her what he thought of her and her games.
That magnificent woman who had held his face in her hands and had told him she thought his eyes were beautiful.
Like a fool, he’d believed her. He wanted to believe her.
He wanted to believe that some woman, somewhere, would find him attractive with his oddly colored eyes and that name that still made some people whisper with fear.
De Velt.
The Dark Lord.
Mostly, he was angry at himself for letting his guard down, for believing the lies he shouldn’t have believed.
He was angry at himself for making a friend of Louis, who turned out not to be a friend at all.
It seemed that all men were alike, liars or cads or both.
The only men who weren’t like that were family members and close friends, like Ashton and Anteaus. Never again would he trust anyone else.
Looking up in the night sky, he found himself speaking to the heavens, as he so often did.
“Papa,” he murmured. “Mama says you watch over us all and I’d like to believe that, but I’m embarrassed that you saw that I allowed myself to be made a fool of.
I wish you were here to tell me what to do, to make me feel better about the situation.
But the truth is that I’m not even sure you could work your magic this time. ”
A soft breeze blew across the land, up the walls of Pelinom, lifting the hair that draped down over his right eye. Julian leaned against the wall, looking out over the landscape below.
“I thought she was the one I would marry,” he said.
“She was a remarkable woman, Papa. Beautiful, kind, intelligent. At least, I thought she was remarkable. She told me that she liked my eyes and everything else about me. I let her lull me into a false sense of security. I trusted her and that trust was rewarded with betrayal.”
“I was wondering why you came home from Felkington so soon. Now, I know.”
Startled, Julian looked up to see his mother standing a few feet away. She’d come up the stairs and onto the wall walk and he never even heard her. Slightly embarrassed, he averted his gaze.
“I wasn’t trying to be mysterious,” he said. “I simply wasn’t ready to speak on it.”
Wrapped in a heavy shawl against the damp night, Kellington came close, her fair face illuminated by the torchlight dotting the wall.
“Yet you told your father,” she pointed out. “Even if he cannot answer you, he is listening. He is always listening.”
Julian nodded. “I know,” he said. Then, he looked up into the sky again. “It’s strange. I feel his presence more heavily here, on the wall. Mayhap it is because it is taller and closer to heaven, but I feel closer to him here. He was always willing to listen to my troubles.”
Kellington’s lips curved with the hint of a smile. “You had many troubles, Julian,” she said. “From the moment you were born, you had troubles. You were born early, you know.”
“I know.”
“I had been chasing Cole around and your father insisted I rest, but I would not listen,” she said.
“Cole ran out into the kitchen yard and as I came through the door, I slipped in mud from the rain we’d had the night before.
I did not fall, but I strained myself. I could feel pain in my belly but I did not think anything of it until the middle of the night when you were demanding to be born.
Papa did not have time to summon the physic, you came so quickly, out into his waiting hands.
Did you know that? He was the first person to hold you, Julian.
Next to me, you were the last person to hold him in return. I find that poignant.”
Julian looked at her, great sorrow in his eyes.
“I had not thought of it that way,” he said.
Then he sighed heavily and hung his head.
“I fear all I’ve done is make a mockery of myself, Mama.
Papa had such profound words for me before he passed and I’ve not been able to do as he asked.
I do not know why… mayhap I am unable to. I really do not know.”
Kellington reached up, putting a gentle hand on her boy’s head. “What did he ask of you, Julian?”
“To find the greatness within myself.”
“Did you ever stop to think that greatness is not what you think it means?”
He turned his head, looking at her. “What do you mean?”
Kellington shrugged as she pulled her shawl more tightly around her body.
“Greatness can mean many things,” she said.
“It can mean perfection in battle or the love of your family. It can mean the love of a good woman or simply finding satisfaction with yourself. I think your papa meant that you needed to find your greatness… not anyone else’s idea of it or their expectations of what it might mean, but yours alone. Does that make sense?”
Julian nodded as he thought on it. His mother always had a way of putting things so that he could understand. “It does.”
She smiled faintly. “You have always put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect,” she said.
“I do not think you realized that, to your father, you were perfect. You just never saw it in yourself. That was why he told you that you must find your greatness when he really meant that you must find your happiness. You must find what makes you the happiest – no matter what anyone else thinks.”
Julian sighed heavily, his gaze moving to the landscape below, the road that led to Pelinom’s gatehouse. “I thought I had found it,” he said. “I thought Lady Lista was perfect for me and that we would be happy together.”
“What happened?”
His lips twisted into a wry expression. “She made a fool of me.”
“How did she do this?”
He sighed sharply, starting to feel some angst. “Because there was another knight at Felkington,” he said. “His name is Louis de Rhos and he is the son of the Earl of Sunderland.”
“Sunderland?” Kellington repeated, recognizing the name. “Then his brother must be Ren de Rhos, the knight who married Audrie de Longley.”
Julian nodded. “It is,” he said. “Louis and I acknowledged that we both knew his brother had married the woman intended for my brother. In fact, I liked Louis. I thought he was an honorable and witty man. I enjoyed speaking to him and thought I’d made a friend.”
“Then what happened?”
Julian rolled his eyes and looked away. “I went to find Lista this morning, at the request of her mother, and I found her in Louis’ arms.”
Kellington nodded faintly, realizing the situation. Or, so she thought. “I see,” she said. “Lista had fallen for de Rhos?”
Julian shrugged. “I suppose,” he said. “I did not ask. I saw what I saw and I left. There was no longer any reason for me to remain at Felkington.”
Kellington frowned. “You did not ask?”
Julian wouldn’t look at her. “Why should I?” he said. “I know what I saw. Lista was in Louis’ arms and that is all I needed to see.”
The shouts from the sentries suddenly went up, piercing the night air.
Julian looked to the road leading up to the gatehouse purely out of habit and could see two riders approaching, followed closely by at least forty men.
He wasn’t close enough to see who they were but those at the gatehouse evidently recognized them because men on horseback and with torches rode out to greet them.
As they came closer, it occurred to Julian that one of the riders was a woman.
“I think that’s Addie,” he told his mother. “I told Ashton to bring her home immediately.”
He moved away from the wall, heading towards the stairwell with his mother behind him.
“Did Addie see any of this?” Kellington asked. “Lista and de Rhos, I mean. Does she know?”
Julian took the first steps down the steep spiral stairs that led down to the bailey, but he held out his hand for his mother.
“She knows,” Julian said, taking his mother’s hand and steadying her down the stairs. “She came to me after it happened.”
“What did she say?”
Julian didn’t want to answer her. He’d spoken about the situation as much as he wanted to because the return of Addington and knowing how she tried to talk him out of leaving Felkington was weighing heavily on him. Truthfully, he didn’t want to see his sister.
He didn’t want to hear her version of events again.