11. Petra
The warmth surrounds me, makes me feel safe, cocoons me. I don’t want to leave this safe space because my brain keeps telling me that outside of it, there is danger. Red-hot danger that could change everything for the worst. This safe space inside my dreams is where I need to stay.
But of course, I can’t stay sleeping forever, however much I want to. I can’t fight off the urge to wake up because it’s damn near overwhelming. My eyes are going to open whether I want them to or not.
I’m surprised as my eyes do pop open because the room is bright, flooded with light. I always remember to close the curtains before I sleep. Even though I’m on the first floor of the house, it helps me to feel safe. I don’t understand why I would have any sort of safety in my mind with them open…
“I wasn’t drinking again, was I?” I can’t imagine it. Not after the hangover I had the first time around. Plus, I don’t feel like shit again today, so it seems unlikely, but something is off for sure.
Oh, my God. How I didn’t notice him the moment I popped my eyes open, I will never know. Something blocked out my brain so I couldn’t see him on purpose. But now, the weight of Harry in the bed next to me is unbelievably noticeable. He must be the reason I felt safe while sleeping.
It all comes screaming back to me. I don’t know exactly what happened last night, but it was something for sure. Something bad. I had a creeping feeling all over my body and I couldn’t shake it off. Harry noticed it too and it freaked him out. He went outside with his gun and checked the whole place. He wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t think that there was someone here as well. He knew it. We both did.
I made him get into bed with me. I pretty much insisted on it. It’s kinda nice that he did that, especially when I think about how strained things have been between us. He could have told me to grow the hell up and get some rest. He doesn’t owe me anything, but he stayed with me to make me okay.
Harry is a good person. I do know that. I need to give him a lot more credit for that. Thank God he’s asleep right now, though, because I honestly wouldn’t know what to say to him. This is weird and definitely awkward. I think it might be best for me to sneak out of the sheets now so he can wake up alone. We are probably going to have an awkward conversation anyway, so it’s best to save that for later on.
I delicately pull back the cover, doing everything that I can not to disturb him. It’s scary. My heart pounds in my mouth because I know that grabbing his attention right now will be the most awkward thing of all, but somehow, I manage to gain just enough of a gap to get myself out.
Wow. It isn’t until I’m out the bed completely that I allow myself to look at Harry appreciatively. It is hot in this room. I don’t usually wear a lot to bed at all, although I managed to stay dressed last night. But the same can’t be said for him. At some point during the night, Harry must have stripped off to his underwear which means now I can really see him. I can ogle the man without him looking right back at me… and oh, my God. What a man. He’s thick and muscular, sculpted by the freaking gods. Obviously, an ex-Navy SEAL and someone who works in protection is going to look strong, but Harry is hot as well. He looks even better without his clothing on, which creates an unexpected stirring in my panties.
Actually, it’s more than a stirring. It’s an ache, a desperate need, a yearning to wrap myself tightly around him. I want to lick all over his body, to taste him, to feel him inside me. I want to do all the things to him I know I shouldn’t. I mean, I can’t feel an attraction to Harry. He’s my protector, here to save me from my husband. I can’t have lustful feelings when my life is hanging in the balance. At least, I shouldn’t.
But it’s been a long time, that much is for sure. I thought that Jake was just too busy and tired to want me at night, but it seems that he just didn’t want me. He was preparing to sell me.
So, I’ve been unsatisfied by a man for a while now, and I can just tell by looking at him that Harry would know exactly what to do with my body. He would make me feel fucking phenomenal. The temptation to climb back into bed with him, to just feel him some more, is damn near overwhelming…
Stop it.I drag myself away. I head for the bathroom where I will be alone and unable to cause any damage. He is as damaged by love as me. There is no way he will want me.
Everything is just heightened, that’s all. It’s the situation more than anything else. The last thing that I want to do is get all caught up in that feeling and end up doing something stupid. It’s bad enough that I embarrassed myself with my husband. I don’t want to make another mistake like that. I thought that Jake wanted me. I thought that we were in love and married, and my judgement was wrong. Once in a lifetime is more than enough for that, thank you very much. No, never again. I’m better off alone.
The hot jets of shower water don’t make me feel any better. If anything, they ignite the urge to have someone touch me all over. And not just someone, but Harry. Every single time I close my eyes, I can see him naked and it’s seriously intense. The pulsing and throbbing between my thighs nearly draw my eager fingers in. All I want to do is give myself some release, but it’s too dangerous. Once I slide down that slippery slope into touching myself and fantasizing about Harry, it’s only one more step to it becoming real.
My body would like that. It aches for it, actually, but my brain knows better. It’s a bad idea. Real bad.
I can’t tell if Harry is still sleeping when I tiptoe through the bedroom once more. He has his face turned away from me now, but I make my escape anyway. I can’t be too near him. I can’t stir myself up anymore. I need to get my damn head in order. Fresh air will be the best way to make that happen.
I don’t intend to go far from the house. Much as I love exploring the island, after last night, I don’t want to go too far on my own. Especially if Harry really is still sleeping, but a little walk through the garden right outside the house over to the swimming pool should be enough to calm me down.
Right, time to get your thoughts in order, I tell myself crossly. Time to stop thinking about Harry.
I scold my brain, deciding that I’m only feeling anything at all for Harry because it’s inappropriate, because he is the only man here, and because he’s been nice to me. We don’t even get along, really. We certainly don’t have much in common, so I can’t really like him. It’s just a chemical thing. My body’s reacting to everything that’s happened over the last few days. Yes, it might be acting in a strange way, not how I would think, but I suppose there isn’t anything I can do about that. Just ignore it.
What the hell was that? As I stand at the edge of the swimming pool, goosebumps pop up and down my arm. It isn’t cold, so I don’t know exactly where they have come from, but they freak me out. My eyes dart everywhere. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but it’s something. Jake, maybe. I fear that he’s found me and is about to take me down, kill me or sell me while Harry is still upstairs. I won’t be able to defend myself alone. Not against my husband. He’s strong and clearly, very scary too. If he’s here…
A scream rises up within me. I want to let it loose, but it’s stuck. Something is blocking my airways, making it challenging to even breathe, never mind get any sound out. Dizziness flows through me. I don’t know if I can even keep standing up. I might fall into the pool. My fear might be what kills me.
Run. Something snaps inside my brain, thank goodness, and I take off. I race back inside to find Harry standing in the kitchen, smiling and whistling to himself as he cooks a pan of eggs. This is a weird happy sight to see while I’m in the middle of a panic attack which has come from nowhere.
“It… it feels weird,” I gasp out, hoping that Harry can understand me. “By the pool. I felt it.”
“You did?” Harry immediately takes me seriously, thank goodness. He peers out by the door and even takes a little walk around. While he looks, my pulse rate calms down. Everything shifts and begins to return to normal. As it does, I realize that I might have just overreacted a little bit. I didn’t actually see anything or even hear anything. I don’t know where that feeling came from. It might have just been the aftereffects of last night. I kinda know that Harry isn’t going to find anything. “There is no one out there.”
“Yeah, sorry.” I slump into one of the chairs. “I freaked myself out and I don’t know why. But I shouldn’t have brought you into it as well. I will be more careful in the future.”
“Hey, even if you do just have a bad feeling, I want you to tell me,” he reassures me. “I want to know. But I don’t have it today. I think everything is alright. There isn’t any reason to panic.”
I nod, immediately accepting his words. Harry is more of an expert in this than me. “Thank you.”
As he smiles at me, I make a pledge to myself that I will simply stay near him from here on out. I can ignore any urges that I might have for him if it keeps me alive. I’m not going to worry about things being strained or weird between us when I need to be worried about Jake and his plans. I have a lot more to be focused on. I shouldn’t even be thinking like I was this morning. It’s time to be sensible.
I can’t keep seeing this as an escape from real life where anything can happen, where I can lose myself in the moment and it won’t matter because the consequences don’t exist. I’m here for a reason.
“I might go swimming after breakfast,” I suddenly blurt out, needing to say something before I get myself all chewed up again. “If you don’t mind staying with me. I don’t have my swimwear with me. That wasn’t exactly top priority when I left in a panic, but I might as well use it while we’re here.”
Harry nods, just as I knew he would. He’s probably just glad that I’m not fighting his need to look after me anymore. I’m hoping some exercise will help me put things in perspective. Jogging always helped me back at home, but I think swimming might be my best option here.