Chapter 15
Vodyan
I was reeling. Things happened inside me, tight, hot, and painful, all of them released by that powerful orgasm that tore through me like a bomb. I didn’t understand what was happening, only that being intimate with her made me fall apart in the worst way possible.
So fucking stupid. I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away. I shouldn’t have let her touch me until absolutely necessary, and I shouldn’t have touched her.
But I wanted to. So fucking much. And now I paid the price.
It came as a shock, that turmoil. I hadn’t expected to feel like this. After all, it was just sex, and sex was familiar and safe. Yes, I lowered my usual boundaries to get the most out of the experience, but my reaction still felt excessive.
It was just fucking. Why couldn’t I get a grip?
My chest squeezed with cold desolation, my heart thudding sickly in my chest. I looked at Zoe, trying to focus and escape the nightmare of being in my body when I realized she was struggling in my hold.
Her face was scrunched up in pain or terror, and she fought to free her hands that were still restrained by my eager tentacles .
I released her arms at once, a pang of fear adding to the storm brewing inside me. Zoe clawed at her mask, desperately trying to tear it off. But it didn’t make any sense. The ability to breathe underwater wasn’t supposed to appear for the next few minutes, and she should still be able to breathe the air from her tank, so what…
She tore the mask off her face and released a flurry of bubbles. I understood. Her air had run out.
“I’ve got you,” I said at once, my personal suffering forgotten when I realized I was about to lose her. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll give you air.”
I brought her up too fast, moving too sharply in my haste. She gripped my shoulders, her mouth open, her face tight with terror.
I gripped the back of her head and sealed my mouth to hers, swallowing water.
She struggled at first, clamping her mouth shut. I held her closer, wrapping my tentacles around her in the hope it would make her feel safer. With the tip of my tongue, I gently coaxed her lips to part. As soon as they did, I blew in air.
She shuddered, breathing in, and then her arms were around my neck, holding on desperately.
“Breathe out and I’ll give you another,” I said, using my voice sack.
She released the air through her nose. I blew another big breath in her mouth, and she clung to me even harder, shaking.
It went on like that for a good minute, until Zoe settled completely in my arms, her body softening. We fell into a rhythm, breathing in sync without prompting, and I did my best not to give in to the hot, messy feelings that gathered in my chest, because my mouth was pressed to hers, and I hadn’t done that in decades. It felt violating, weird, exhilarating, and like the best thing in the world right after having her mouth on my cock.
I did my best to keep still and remember what this was—just me giving her air. Nothing more.
But Zoe didn’t have the same hangups I did. After I gave her the next breath, she gently flicked her tongue against mine.
I jerked as if that impact was a punch, and not the smallest lick. She made a dismayed noise in her throat, stilling completely, like she understood I was uncomfortable.
And I was. Kissing was… It wasn’t good. Or rather, I wasn’t good at it. The few girlfriends I’d had years ago when I was still trying complained that I was too rigid, too detached, and overall too cold. It was all true, because kissing nudged that pain inside me that I needed to keep buried, and if I let go too much, I was afraid it would consume me.
But this was Zoe. She was warm, trusting, and literally breathing my air. She was also my comfort. I remembered her hug that filled the abyss of cold inside me with warmth.
Now, the things she unleashed still tumbled through my bloodstream, and I was desperate for the pain to stop.
She didn’t try again, but she still held me close. I rearranged her gently in my arms so she straddled me as we breathed in a slow, even rhythm. When I had her like I wanted her, drinking in her warmth and closeness, I licked hesitantly just inside her mouth.
She shivered and stroked my nape with trembling, seeking fingers.
“Is this all right?” I asked.
She nodded as much as our position allowed, so I did it again. This time, her tongue met mine. I shivered, my tentacles pulsing with the need to bring her even closer. The air tank on her back was in the way, cold and hard and so unlike the rest of her, but I didn’t dare remove it for fear I might break something.
She’d need it later. After all, the effects of my cum would wear off in up to a day, and I definitely wasn’t going to feed her again.
Because it was too good while it lasted, yet the consequences were horrible. The pain, partly soothed by her closeness, still danced under my skin, cold and cruel .
But as she squirmed against me, digging her heels into my back with a low moan, some of that darkness dissipated. And when she ran her hands down my head and nape, stroking and soothing, it kept melting away.
That kiss wasn’t exactly what I wanted. We couldn’t really move our lips, keeping them sealed together to exchange air, but my tongue licked over hers, seeking friction and warmth, chasing her taste that was unlike anything and so good.
She trembled in my arms, aroused and trusting, and so clearly, obviously wanting me that I was dumbfounded. I’d never felt like this before.
Like… Like I was enough.
It was heady, that feeling. Terrifying in that it was so completely unfamiliar, and yet as I let it in, because there was no hiding from it when Zoe was in my arms, it grew more and more pleasant, until it exploded with glowing heat under my skin.
I could see myself easily getting addicted to feeling this way. Worthy. It was like a drug, and Zoe was my dealer.
As she squirmed with a muffled moan, pulling my head closer like she couldn’t get enough of me, a sharp thought pierced my bliss. I went still.
Oh, fuck. Had she ruined me? Would I be able to go back to my lonely, ruthless life and the cool detachment of transactional sex? Would I even enjoy sex the way I’d done it before now that I knew how good it could be?
I forced that thought down, and it was easy. Like all the other tight, sorrowful things inside me, that fear was soon swept away by Zoe’s eager caresses. The glittering warmth of her enveloped me, pushing everything else away. I groaned and moaned, making undignified, broken sounds that lit up the cavern enough that I saw the light through my closed eyelids.
And still, her hot tongue coaxed more pleasure out of me. I got lost in the kiss, barely remembering to give her air, and then, she pulled back and kissed me with her lips, too. Water came between us, and I swallowed it eagerly to be closer to her, to feel her heat, to plunge my tongue deep in her mouth. She felt so good, I wanted to crawl under her warm skin and live there.
When warm bubbles tickled my cheek, I realized I hadn’t given Zoe air in some time. Yet, she was evidently alive and well. Breathing.
I pulled away, giving her one last soft kiss on her lips, and looked at her. Her face was flushed with heat despite the cold water, her eyes glittering and big, her lips obscenely red and swollen. When I caught her eye, she grinned and blew out bubbles.
“It worked,” I said in wonder. “Oh, Zoe. It worked. You’re fine. You’ll be okay.”
She frowned at me with mock outrage and pushed back, fumbling with her suit. A moment later, she affixed her mask to her mouth while leaving her nose uncovered.
“Why are you surprised?” she asked, coming back to settle against me like it was completely natural for us to be so close. “I thought you were certain it would work.”
I rubbed my forehead sheepishly. “I was. I just haven’t done it before.”
She nodded with exaggerated understanding. “I can imagine it might be a tad awkward to have your human friends blow you so you can hang out underwater.”
“I don’t have any friends,” I blurted out, my filters gone in my raw, exhilarated, heated state.
Zoe blinked but didn’t react otherwise until finally, she smiled and punched my arm.
“Nonsense. I’m your friend.”
I stared at her with a ridiculous mixture of disappointment and elation. Was she really? Was that what friendship was? And why did that feel like not even nearly enough?
“Is that what friends do?” I asked, more hoarsely than I intended. “What we just did? ”
She laughed softly, running her hand down my neck until her fingers gently brushed my gills. I shivered from that touch, the delicate membranes overly sensitive after everything that happened between us.
All of me was sensitive, and suddenly, I was afraid of her answer. I didn’t know if she was aware, but she could destroy me right now. All my defenses were gone.
“Sometimes, I guess,” Zoe answered. “What I meant is, I am your friend, and I’ll keep being that if you allow me. And I can be something more, too. If you want. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. The point is, you’re not just a bodyguard to me. After all of this is over, I’d like to keep hanging out, in any way you’d be comfortable with.”
My gills fluttered under her touch, and she hummed in surprise, running her fingers over them again until I caught her wrist.
“We need to get out of here,” I choked out, unable to keep my voice cool as another wave of hot, helpless feelings flooded my chest. “If you keep doing that, I’ll get distracted again.”
She stopped and settled her hand on my chest, right over my heart that beat with frantic, fragile happiness.
“Thank you,” she said, looking seriously into my eyes. “You saved my life more times than I can count, and I know it’s your job, but I also know you didn’t have to go to such extreme lengths for me. And yet you did. I’ll never forget it.”
I swallowed with difficulty, reveling in her taste that still lingered on my tongue.
“Thank you for letting me,” I said quietly.
She grinned and pulled back, watching me with those warm, uncovered eyes that she finally closed.
“Well, you’re all blurry, and it’s really dark in here. Is there a chance we can go to the surface? ”
I nodded. There was a place we could go and be safe, and even though I hadn’t been there in years, and the very thought of visiting again made my skin crawl with disgust, I would go. For her.
After that, it took me another hour to finally blast off one side of the rock covering the cavern’s mouth. The crevice I made was narrow, but I made it bigger with a few more blasts, until the rock finally cracked, a large part rolling away.
“Stay here,” I instructed Zoe, carefully swimming out to check the area.
I stayed close to the cavern’s mouth, turning slowly to check for lamia guards. When I couldn’t see anyone, I closed my eyes and let the lake in, focusing on her breath, her rhythm, her soft touch against my scales.
And even though I felt keenly enough to finally be certain no lamias were nearby, something was different. That touch of the waters washing over me was still soothing and familiar, but not nearly enough.
Something was wrong with me.
“All clear,” I said, pulling Zoe into my arms. “Maybe they got bored. Or maybe they all went to fetch whoever wants to buy you to make sure they’d get their cuts. Lamias aren’t exactly team players.”
“Better for us,” she said, wrapping her legs around my waist.
She squirmed, settling in, and when her arms came around my neck, warm and trusting, my heart died a little. She was perfect. It was perfect. And all I could think about was that it would end horribly, either because I failed to protect her or fucked up in some other way.
Because I would. I wasn’t made for this… this warmth, connection, friendship, or whatever it was.
“Will you forgive me?” I asked, pushing away from the bottom and making the course for Isle Royale.
“For what?” she asked, nuzzling in. She pressed her forehead into my neck to protect it from the cold .
“For when I disappoint you,” I said, wincing. It sounded like I intended to fail her, and it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Zoe surprised me by laughing softly, neither hurt nor offended in the least. “Yeah,” she said. “I forgive you. A thousand times over.”
I shuddered, her easy, accepting words touching a hurting place deep within me. That pain bloomed to life, piercing and fresh, even though I’d carried it for decades.
Normally, I had a very good handle on my past. It flared up only sometimes, increasingly rarely as I grew older, yet more often lately. Zoe seemed to have a way of squirming under my defenses and dragging the pain to the surface. I couldn’t blame her, though. She didn’t do it on purpose. It was me that was broken.
It was ridiculous and exhausting, but even though my grandfather had been dead for almost thirty years, his words still lived in my head, crawling out whenever I was vulnerable.
You can’t do anything right. Always such a failure.
All you do is disappoint me.
You know whom you failed the most? Your mother. She’d be alive if not for you.
You’re good for nothing. Weak, unworthy of my blood.
Everyone would be better off without you.
When Zoe grunted, I realized I clutched her to me with too much force, as if trying to squeeze all her warmth into me to feed the cold abyss inside. With a shuddering breath, I loosened my grip, and she stroked my nape as if she knew what I was going through.
“I forgive you,” she said, running soothing circles over my scales. “You did nothing wrong, and I forgive you anyway. You’re perfect. You’re so good. Such a good, beautiful, perfect man. I trust you with my life, you know? I trust you, and I know we’ll be fine.”
I sped up, trying to direct the gut-wrenching feelings she tore out of me into movement. It helped enough that I could still control myself and stay alert, but just barely. My insides roiled with hot and cold currents, past truths and present truths clashing until one came out on top.
I was afraid to believe her, and at the same time, I couldn’t help myself.
In the end, she was right. We would be fine, and that was because I’d never allow her to get hurt. I spent my whole life proving to myself how strong, efficient, and lethal I was. I’d honed my body and mind into sharp, deadly weapons, and I had a record and an entire population of scarred lamias to prove it.
That was not what I was worried about.
I was so much less certain about the future of our friendship or whatever this was, but one thing was painfully clear.
I would protect her, and failure wasn’t an option.