Chapter 16
Zoe
I stroked his nape, keeping my feelings to myself. I had a hunch Vodyan would think I pitied him if I let him know how I felt, but it wasn’t pity. I was deeply sorry someone had hurt this magnificent, strong, beautiful man and convinced him he was bound to be a disappointment.
Will you forgive me?
I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my face into the crook of his neck. He sounded so unsure of himself, so sad, when he said that. It nearly broke my heart. As soon as I realized where that must have come from, I couldn’t hold back the words of affection and praise, because I longed to soothe him and show him how amazing he was. Yet for a moment, I was afraid they were too much.
Whatever Vodyan’s wounds were, they made him skittish, which was understandable. He’d already opened up so much, and I was afraid to push him too hard. So even though I knew I definitely wanted a relationship with him, not just friendship, I left the choice to him. Commitment could be scary, so I did my best to make it sound light and playful .
I kept my heartbroken anger to myself. And I didn’t ask, even though I desperately wanted to know who hurt him so horribly.
“Thank you,” Vodyan said after a while, his voice carefully neutral. “You can trust me. I’ll keep you safe.”
“I know.”
We traveled in silence after that, but it was peaceful and cozy. I breathed water, even though it should have been impossible. It floated in through my nose, cool and pleasant, and at first, I’d expected to choke, to drown.
But kissing Vodyan helped me ease into it until I grew accustomed to this weird, magical experience. I was dying to know how that was even possible, but I put off asking him for later.
As we swam evenly, I kept my eyes closed, since I didn’t see anything without my goggles. But I didn’t sleep. I spent that time trying to detangle everything I knew about Vodyan and wondering why he’d become so important to me so quickly.
Was it because he was the only person around when I was at my lowest and loneliest? I didn’t think so, but just to test that theory, I tried to imagine the same scenario with different people I knew accompanying me instead of him.
And it felt wrong. Because none of those other people smiled so rarely that every smile felt like an intoxicating victory. They didn’t listen to my stupid rambling with attentiveness one might reserve for an amazing lecturer. They didn’t bother answering my idiotic questions and just being near me in such a quiet, protective way.
They didn’t have this unabashed, direct way of speaking that I suspected was born from reticence. Vodyan was a man of few words, so he used them wisely.
And still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was an entire volcano of words just brewing inside him and waiting for the right moment to spill out. I craved to be the one to hear them once they came out, and I wanted it so much, that longing hurt deep in my chest.
He never told me much about himself, and I had only glimpses into his solitary life filled with work and training to keep his skills sharp. His existence seemed so desolate, just like the underwater landscape of the lake. Murky dark water, perpetual cold, and monsters hiding in the deep.
Was that what Vodyan’s life felt like?
When he made a low, growling sound as his muscles hardened around me, I shivered from fear.
“Lamias?” I whispered.
“No,” Vodyan answered in a low, grating voice. “Nothing dangerous. Don’t worry.”
“Okay,” I said, but I didn’t relax.
When his hand spasmed against my hip where he held me to him, my curiosity prompted me to speak. He was obviously triggered by something, and at this point, I was invested in finding out who hurt him and whether they were still alive so I could… Well, I didn’t know what I would do yet, but I’d figure it out. It would be vicious and painful, that was certain.
“It’s nothing dangerous, but you clearly don’t like it,” I said carefully.
It was an invitation to share but not a question, because those could put pressure on the other person. And I didn’t want to pressure him, no matter how curious I was. He already had enough to deal with.
Vodyan was quiet for a while, and I resigned myself to never learning what horrid, dark thing hiding in the depths made him tense, when he surprised me by speaking up. He slowed down until we were barely moving.
“We’ve just passed a shipwreck graveyard. The biggest one in the lake.”
I shivered, remembering I’d read about those. Now I was grateful I didn’t see it. There was something eerie about those sunken ships holding bodies that wouldn’t decompose, the entire structures enclosed in giant cages so no one would desecrate the graveyards.
Not that anyone should. But the reason those cages were necessary—to keep morbidly fascinated people away—gave me the ick. The dead should be left alone.
“And you don’t like them?” I asked after Vodyan relaxed a bit, making a low hum that lit his throat but didn’t penetrate the ubiquitous gloom.
“No. I hate them. This one the most.”
There was no vehemence in his voice, but I felt the way his body hardened even more. So much pent-up emotion roiled within him, and he kept it all inside—hardened himself not to let it out.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked carefully, afraid I’d scare him away.
He said nothing for a while, but then, he breathed out through his mouth, folding around me as he slowed to a halt. His forearm that was under my butt shifted until I sat in his open palm. His fingers dug into me with compulsive urgency.
“Do whatever helps,” I said without thinking. “Whatever you want.”
He released a low snarl, pressing my face into his neck. His grip on my nape was tight, the sounds he made violent, and yet, I wasn’t afraid.
“You keep doing this to me,” he ground out, his voice sack barely lighting up, his voice was so low. “You keep dragging all these things out until I’m choking. It would serve you right. If I took it out on you.”
He changed the angle of his hand until his finger pressed between my legs. I moaned at the sudden burst of electric pleasure. Fuck, he was angry. And even though it wasn’t appropriate, I felt giddy and eager.
“Okay,” I said simply. “Take it out on me.”
He shivered but didn’t move. We were silent, floating in place, until Vodyan released a long, bubbling breath and resumed swimming.
“I got stuck in one of those graveyards when I was four,” he said quietly.
His palm remained under my ass, but he didn’t move his fingers. I didn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue, and after a moment, he did .
“I was out with my mom. Playing. She took me secretly in a rare moment when my grandfather was away. He didn’t condone playtime. Or letting us go anywhere in the lake without him.”
I nodded against his throat, and his fingers flexed against my buttock. He pressed me more tightly to him, and I embraced him harder with my arms.
“My grandfather hunted lamias. It was his… His way of life. His calling. And my mother… She was young. She had me when she was sixteen. Sometimes, she could be… unthinking.”
My heart thudded, my body covering with a cold sweat under the suit. Whatever was coming would be awful, I just knew. A part of me hated listening to his story already, but I knew telling it must have been so much worse, and the least I could do was listen.
I tried to stroke his nape, which was as hard as stone, but Vodyan barked, “Don’t!”
My fingers stilled instantly, and his chest expanded against me in a long, controlled breath.
“Don’t move, Zoe,” he repeated quietly.
“Okay.”
We swam in tense silence until he spoke again.
“It happened so fast. We were swimming together. She laughed because I chased that fish and whenever I caught it, it would slip out of my grip. She had a beautiful laugh, but it was so rare.”
My heart squeezed painfully, and I itched to move, because that would ease the tension. But Vodyan needed me still, so I obeyed.
“When they came out, she was so shocked. You know, my grandfather trained her ruthlessly, just as he did me, and she probably could have taken one, even two. But there were three.”
I clenched my jaw and forced my body to be completely still. His fingers dug into my flesh painfully, but I didn’t protest. It was a relief, in a way. Something to focus on .
“She told me to run. They converged on her, deciding to leave me for later. They didn’t think I’d manage to get far since I was so small. And you have to understand something.”
He pulled my head away from his throat, grabbing my nape in a firm but painless grip. We were still, slowly sinking into deeper darkness as he angled my head so I would look at him. When he spoke, his light played across the sharp, unforgiving angles of his face.
I didn’t dare make a sound.
“You must understand. I was four. I was a child, and I was terrified. I did what she told me, because she was my mother, and I’d been brought up to obey. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I choked out, my heart breaking in two.
It was so telling that he put so much emphasis on this. I imagined he blamed himself very much.
“Good,” he said, pressing my face back into the crook of his neck as we moved again. “My grandfather believed I should have stayed and fought. I should have died in her place.”
“What?” I blurted out, shocked by the cruelty. “But you… You were a tiny child! You didn’t… It wasn’t your fault! How could he say that? Oh, baby.”
He shuddered and pressed down on my nape in an almost animalistic way, as if reminding me to be still.
“Don’t. I’ve never told anyone. I have to get it all out now that I started. If you say things like… Just don’t. Be quiet.”
“I will,” I whispered.
He took a moment to compose himself, his fingers tight on my nape as if he was afraid I’d move my head or speak again. But I was perfectly still, finally understanding why he needed that.
He must have felt so wildly out of control, reliving that horrible, cruel experience. I couldn’t even imagine how it felt, but I got that by moving and speaking, I only added to that chaos. He needed me still and quiet, so my presence would soothe instead of feeding the pain.
“I heard her screams as I swam away. She fought them, that much I know, but then… The sounds changed. She was in pain, so much that she roared with it. And I swam faster. Because I didn’t want to hear that.”
I swallowed, my throat bobbing, and he growled, pressing me closer.
“And then it stopped. She was quiet, and they laughed and shouted. They were so fast. Right behind me. So I did the only thing I could think about, and I was lucky, Zoe. I was so incredibly lucky. So much luckier than I deserved.”
He snorted suddenly, derisive and cold.
“Or maybe not. Maybe death would have been kinder.”
I breathed shallowly until he slowly relaxed enough to speak again.
“The shipwreck graveyard, the one we passed, was the closest to where we lived. I reached it before they caught me, saw a hole in the cage that seemed big enough, and squeezed through. They were furious. Spent hours circling the cage and trying to get in, and when they realized they couldn’t, they tried to scare me into coming out. Told me about the ghosts haunting the shipwreck. The monsters that would grab and eat me. They said my mother’s ghost would come to haunt me, because she was dead, her stomach ripped out.”
I bit my tongue until the pain was unbearable, and then I bit in harder until the urge to cry was gone. Vodyan shook, and we moved fast now. His body vibrated with coiled energy.
“When they left me alone, I tried to come out. But I couldn’t. All the holes were too small for me. And I couldn’t even remember which direction I’d come from.”
My body ached from being so unnaturally still, my muscles screaming from the effort. My eyes and throat burned with unshed tears.
“My grandfather arrived later that night. He found me pressed to the cage from the inside, shaking and mumbling about ghosts. I know, because he reminded me often how weak I was at that moment. I don’t remember it myself. ”
I ruthlessly swallowed the shocked gasp that wanted to come out.
“He said since I got in, I had to get out myself. And if I didn’t, no loss. Because I got my mother killed, so in his eyes, I was already dead.”
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
“So I rose and kept trying, until I found that one single, bigger hole through which I finally squeezed out. I swam home. He didn’t let me eat for two days as punishment for… I forget what it was. Not killing my mother, not that. It was something else. One of his stupid things, like taking too long at a task or missing a target too many times.”
I cried silently without sobbing, without shaking. Tears squeezed out of my eyes, and I barely felt their warmth under my eyelids before cold water washed them away.
Vodyan took a deep breath and finally, his body and hold relaxed a fraction. He stroked the back of my head once, hesitantly.
“Don’t hate me, Zoe,” he said in a soft, low voice that sent another wave of silent tears into my eyes. “I’m sorry. I was bad to you.”
“C-Can I speak?” I asked, loathing myself for that stutter.
He stroked my head and back frantically. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
“It’s okay,” I broke in, my voice so tight with tears, I barely recognized it as my own. “You needed that and it’s okay. I don’t mind at all. What… What do you need now?”
He laughed sharply, so gritty and vicious, I flinched and held on more tightly, my fingers digging into the scales on his shoulders.
“A nap won’t help,” he said, almost with amusement, but there was a hard edge to his voice.
“No, not a nap,” I agreed. “But I can hold you. Or we can have sex. Or we can find a way for you to be alone. Whatever feels best right now.”
He stopped suddenly, pulling my head back by my nape until I looked at his face. I realized with a jolt there was enough light for me to see. We were close to the surface.
“You’d have sex with me?” he asked, sharp and disbelieving. “After what I told you?”
I blinked, trying to see him more clearly, though it was impossible in the water.
“Yeah. You’d be surprised how helpful sex can be as a release after processing intense emotions. I used to…”
He squeezed my nape, baring his teeth. “No. Don’t talk about how you fucked in the past right now. I can’t… Please.”
I swallowed thickly. Warmth pooled in my belly, insistent and needy, but I did my best to control it. I didn’t want to influence his decision, even though his jealousy was so incredibly hot.
Damn. It was me who needed sex after all that, if only to show him with my actions how grateful I was that he was alive and here. How worthy of love and pleasure he was.
And yes, I needed it for myself, too. Everything he told me buzzed in my guts, cold and squirmy, and I desperately needed to somehow make peace with it so it wouldn’t hurt so much.
But my needs were secondary right now.
“Okay. I won’t,” I said easily. “Just know that I’m here, fully available. Whatever you need from me.”
He shook his head, seeming angry, though as the water rippled, I couldn’t be certain.
“But I told you… Horrible, despicable things. How I… I ran, Zoe. I could have stayed, could have fought, but I ran. I left her behind.”
It felt like my throat was permanently tightened from holding back my cries of dismay and tears. I took a deep breath of cooling water.
“Yeah. You were four, you ran, and you did well. So well. You did exactly the right thing. She told you to run, and she was an adult when you were just a child. She wanted you to be safe. You did good, baby. You did everything right. But it’s okay to feel like you didn’t. It’s okay to feel those things, okay? Just don’t… Don’t punish yourself.”
He pressed me closer, and I felt how fast his heart thudded through his chest. We stayed like that for a long moment until he seemed to shake himself off.
“We will emerge now. There is a safe place we can go. And I’ll do my best.”
I nodded into the crook of his neck, pulling my mask away from my mouth in preparation. With just a few thrusts of his tentacles, we broke the surface. Icy wind whipped my face, and I gasped from the shock.
And then, I coughed out water. My body shook, a violent hacking cough tearing my lungs apart. Vodyan held me, cursing under his breath, his tentacles wrapping around me as I shook. My throat burned, and when I finally took a full breath, the cold air seemed to freeze my lungs from within.
“My sweet girl. I’ll keep you warm. Just need to figure it out,” he said over the rush of the wind.
I blinked, my eyes watering in the cool gray brightness of the day. We were close to shore, a narrow strip of rocky land separating the lake from the forest. I squinted, blinking water from my eyes as my teeth chattered and a few more coughs shook my frame. There was a stone house on the shore, rough-hewn and large. It had its own wooden pier jutting into the lake, the wood blackened and old.
“Fuck. I’m not sure how to do it,” Vodyan muttered. “Zoe? Can I kiss you?”
I gave him a shivery nod. “Yeah. Of c-course.”
He brought me higher with his palm gripping my ass, and his lips, barely warm, pressed to mine. I shook from the cold but kissed him back as best I could, until I realized his tongue grew hot in my mouth, his body warming up fast.
With a needy whimper, I pressed closer, and he wrapped around me, layers and layers of his arms and tentacles emitting glorious, blissful heat. We kept kissing, my moans growing louder as he surrounded me from every side, becoming a cocoon that shielded me from the wind .
He pulled away from my lips and peppered my face with eager, clumsy kisses, each a hot lick against my freezing skin.
“It works, my pretty girl. There you go. All warm and good.”
I had no idea how he did it or how it was possible, but I clung to him with all my might. Water splashed around us, and next thing I knew, we were on the shore, heading for the stone house.
He kept kissing my face like he couldn’t get enough. It was cute and blissful, his lips searing a path of heat down my cheek, along my jaw, up to my lips, and across the other cheek.
“This feels so good, baby,” I choked out, quivering from the heat. “ You feel so good.”
He moaned once and dropped a kiss on my lips, but when I tried to catch his mouth for more, he shook his head.
“Zoe, I need you to be still. Like before. Please.”
“Okay,” I said, curious and eager. “What else?”
His eyes flashed away to the house, his face contorting for a moment before he looked back at me, his features hard with determination.
“I want to fuck you.”