5. Duke
FIVE
DUKE
“ T hanks for the help today,” I told Azrael later, much later, after the group run, ordering lunch from Carson’s Grill, Penny’s second job, and getting him settled.
“Don’t mention it. That’s what I’m here for,” he answered.
I stood by my bedroom door, watching him walk toward his.
Clover was still walking around his feet. He had been all day. This was love in the making, and I had VIP tickets to the show.
Honestly, who could blame him? I would follow this big, beautiful giant to the end of the world too.
He stopped outside his door, turned, and smiled at me.
“Good night!” he said.
“Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” I told him.
“I’ll try not to, but they might be persistent.”
I grinned.
“Well, if they won’t stop, wake me up, and I’ll kick their ass.”
“You got it!” He made a finger gun and shot it right at me, and honestly? He may as well have literally put a bullet through me because I was done for.
It was bad enough trying to keep my composure—and failing—around my sexy clients’s owners. Now I had a whole-ass sexy resident volunteer. The sexiest, actually. How the fuck was I supposed to keep calm and carry on?
I closed my door, but his smile was still imprinted on the back of my eyes. The smile. The narrow, bright eyes, the soft black hair, and the beard I wanted to nuzzle against. I could easily imagine losing myself in him. And, well, would that be so bad?
Yes. Yes, it would, Duke. Because he’s straight, and even if he’s not, you’re pathetic and would never do anything about it.
I sighed and marched my sorry ass to my en suite, where I brushed my teeth while Max took his proud spot on the foot of my bed like he’d done since he was a pup. In recent years, I’d had to put a little stepladder to help him since he could no longer jump up.
Once settled in bed, I looked at my ceiling, but all I could think about was Azrael. Which I guessed was better than thinking about money laundering and criminal empires.
I changed into my pajamas and took my phone from the bedside table of my and dug in the case pocket for his picture. He looked back at me with the same expression he had for the past ten years. The same youthful skin. The same cheeky smile. I had his features memorized, engraved in my brain. It was impossible to forget him .
“You would so love him if you were here,” I told him.
And he so would. The minute he saw Azrael, he’d have dropped to his feet and worshiped him. He’d been so good at expressing himself.
“Still miss you.”
Max raised his head and tilted it to the side with an air of sadness. As if he knew who I was talking to and missed him too.
“We both miss you.”
My eyes stung as I put the picture back in my phone case and unlocked my phone to set my alarm.
Reminder: Dr. appt tomorrow. 9 a.m.
I swiped the notification away. As if I could forget. I could never forget. I wiped my eyes, set my alarms, and closed my eyes.
Sleep was easy. It was always easy. It was being awake that was hard.
As expected, I didn’t need the alarms. I woke up at six, as usual. I left Max in bed with the door open and got to work. He would join me when he was ready.
I went out to the backyard with my fresh cup of coffee, fed my chickens, cleaned the kennels, and when I came back inside, had a toasted bagel with strawberry cream cheese while writing my notes for Azrael and the volunteers.
I slipped Azrael’s note under his door before I left. The whole drive up to the clinic, my stomach was so twisted I felt like I’d be sick. But I held it back.
That was until I was in the office with Dr. Clarke.
“I’m afraid it’s bad news, Duke,” she said, and I watched her in complete and utter silence as my whole world came crashing down around me.
“Oh,” I said after what felt like a century. “It’s back.”
“I’m afraid so. But it’s not a death sentence. We have options.”
I nodded.
Yup. Not a death sentence. Yet. It would be. Eventually. Wouldn’t it? It had already tried to kill me twice.
“You know what they say. The third time’s the charm.” My voice came out more high-pitched than I wanted it to, and Holly held my hand.
“Hey. Don’t say that. In fact, don’t even think it. We have options, Duke. You have options.” I nodded. “Would you like some water? Do you need a moment?” I shook my head. “Should we discuss treatment?”
I sat there for the next hour as she listed the best course of action, but I was only half-listening. I’d seen the show. Caught the repeats. Knew it by heart. I didn’t need the sequel.
It was back.
It was back.
Will I ever escape your fucking claws?
“What do you think? Feeling better?”
“Peachy,” I said, and after a lot more reassurance, I left her office.
Not before she reminded me I had options for the hundredth time.
Options. Pfft. I’d lived my whole life with these options. I didn’t need reminding. No. What I needed to do was prepare.
“Hey,” I said to his picture when I was back in my car. “So…it’s back. You probably know already. You probably heard it all.” I stared at him. I stared at him for so long that my eyes went blurry from exhaustion and tears.
Tears I’d been holding back for the past…God knew how long. Because that was the thing about cancer. It followed you around like a shadow, no matter when, no matter how. And sometimes, it tried to swallow you whole, to drag you down with it.
That was what it was doing to me now. It was back and out for blood.
I didn’t drive back home for another half-hour. I needed to be sure I could focus and not drive off the road. No need to off myself yet. My body was taking good care of that itself.
Even then, I had to stop at the top of the road and dry some more tears before I drove back to my home. My beautiful, loving home. Would it also be my mausoleum? What would happen to all my babies? Who would take care of them? Who was going to take care of Max? He couldn’t manage losing me. He couldn’t manage losing another daddy.
“Fuck!” I screamed when there was a knock on my window.
It made me jump. I’d thought I was alone. But then again, I barely remembered driving back, so what the hell did I know.
Good job on being careful, Duke. Very successful, safe drive.
I wiped my face as I rolled down the window, and Derek stared back at me.
“You okay, Mr. Allen?”
I gave him a thumbs-up and blinked some of the wetness in my eyes away.
“Did I forget a delivery?”
Derek pursed his lips into a half-smile and shook his head.
“No. Just dropping off some more meds.”
“Ah, makes sense.” I nodded and got out of my car but barely managed a step before the light went way too bright, and I lost my footing.
“Mr. Allen? Are you okay?” I felt a pair of hands grab me clumsily, and I squinted at Derek.
“Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Head rush. Thank you.” I steadied myself, and Derek watched me with his bright-gray eyes as if I were a porcelain puppet that might break during a show.
“Need me to walk you inside?” he asked.
“I’ll be okay. I think I can make it.” I smirked, but Derek didn’t seem to get the joke.
There were only, like, five feet between me and my front door. It wasn’t hard. Not yet, anyway.
“Got some new help?” he asked as I took a moment to find my bearings again, but I grimaced.
“Huh?”
“The new guy. He here to help you out?”
Oh. He meant Azrael. Shit. I’d completely forgotten about him. I’d told him I’d be back by ten, and it was nearly eleven. I’d left him all alone on his first day.
I’m so great, aren’t I?
Actually, don’t answer that.
“Yeah. Yeah. Just a volunteer with free time on their hands.”
Derek smiled.
“That’s nice, Mr. Allen. It’s nice to get some help. You do so much on your own. You deserve a little break.”
I do, don’t I ?
Well, good thing I was about to go on the break of a lifetime. With a first-class ticket straight to hell. I’d heard it was good down there. Lots of great minds to hang out with. Or maybe I was thinking of The Good Place .
The Good Place ? Doesn’t that ring a bell? The TV show? No?
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, drop this book now and go watch all seasons of The Good Place .
Okay, kidding.
Don’t leave me. Not yet. Not now.
“Yeah. A break would be…it’d be great.” Barely managing to keep it together, I slammed the door and ran to my front door before I broke down in front of Derek.
I just needed my bed. My dog and my bed. That would make me happy. That would make this less painful.
I could sit in bed with Max until the end.
My end.