25. Duke
TWENTY-FIVE
DUKE
I spent the night in Boston. By the time I landed back in Massachusetts, it was late evening, and I was tired, so it made the most sense.
It was strange being alone in a big city with no one to turn to. I’d been so used to being surrounded by volunteers and, more importantly, my animals that not having them around made my brain itch. And I didn’t even have Azrael to keep me safe and warm, with Noah by our side.
“Remember why you did this, Duke. Remember.”
It didn’t make it any easier. How could you forget the man you loved? It wasn’t a switch. If it were, I’d have turned it off a long time ago.
But I’d never choose to forget you, Noah. Never.
He didn’t answer me. He never did. Not when I talked to him in my head, nor when I talked to his photograph. He couldn’t say anything to me and if he could, what would he say?
He’d only just confirm how fucked my life was.
It is. It so is. With no end in sight.
When I finally got to the sanctuary, it was ten in the morning, and everything was in full swing without me.
“Buddy!” As soon as I opened the door, Max ran up to me on his shaky, old legs and licked my face, tail wagging more excitedly than I’d seen it in a long while. “I missed you too, Max. I missed you so much. I’m never leaving you again. I promise.”
I sat on the floor, hugging and playing with my dog. His dog really. The last part of him I had left in my life and the most important one.
When Noah died, you see, his parents wanted nothing to do with his little puppy, or me for that matter, so I adopted him straight away. He was my consolation prize during his funeral when I had to sit in the car, at a distance, because they didn’t want to see me there. I’d never hated people more. Who buries their son, and their first and only thought is to keep his faggot boyfriend away? But that’s what happens when you think gay is a disease and their son caught it off me. If only they knew how much queerer Noah had been.
I mean, he had been a horny almost eighteen-year-old, but to them, he’d been a perfect little angel. Which was the only thing they and I agreed on.
“Yeah. You’re a good boy, aren’t you? Yes, you are.”
Clover appeared from around the corner and ran at me but stopped at my feet and looked at the door, behind him, all around, searching for Azrael.
“Oh, Clover. He’s not coming back, buddy. I’m sorry.”
I picked up the little mutt and cuddled him close, hoping I was enough and knowing I wasn’t even close.
“Hey! You’re back,” Penny said and stood next to me. “Where is Azrael?”
Instead of answering, I burst into tears. I really, truly hoped one of these days I would stop reacting like that at the mention of him. Or, at the very least, learn how to mask it better.
“Oh, honey.” She bent to hug me, and I leaned on her shoulders, trying to get myself under control again. “If you want to take the day off and just be, that’s absolutely fine, you know. We’ve got it all under control.”
I shook my head.
“If I don’t work, I’ll lose my mind.”
“Okay. Come on. Let’s get you some coffee, and I’ll catch you up.”
She offered me her hand, and I got up and returned to my old life. To my Azrael-less life. I could do it. It was doable. I’d been doing this for years and had only known Azrael for a month. It had to be easy. It had to.
It wasn’t. I saw him everywhere. I saw him on the couch in his tank top and shorts, with popcorn on his lap and a smile on his face. I saw him by the coffee machine, watching me pour my cup while he drank from his with a cheeky grin. I saw him in the office, holding down the stressed-out spaniel and soothing them with whispering affection and treats.
He was everywhere but nowhere.
“Why do you look so miserable, sweetie? What happened?” Mom asked when we sat down for lunch after two in the afternoon, the only gap in our day.
“It’s nothing.”
“Nothing? Are you forgetting I gave you life, mister?”
I frowned.
“And? Are you threatening to take it back?”
Mom rolled her eyes and took a bite of her Cobb salad.
“It means I know you, stupid. So what’s wrong?”
I sighed and put my fork down.
“Azrael. He and I are…no more.”
“I knew it! I knew you two were a thing.”
“Really, Mom?” Pen chimed in. “The freaking walls knew.”
“Well, I would think so, seeing as they were jumping each other inside them.”
Penny groaned, and I slapped my forehead.
“Seriously, Mom?”
“What? What did I say?” She turned to Dad who just laughed and stayed well out of it. He knew better.
“What did he do?” Mom asked when no one spoke for a few moments.
“Nothing, Mom. He didn’t do anything. He had to stay and look after his son. It was the right thing to do.”
She reached across the table and squeezed my hand.
“I’m so sorry, honey. I really am. I know how hard it’s been for you. We’re here if you need us, yeah?”
I smiled back at my mom and nodded, biting back the sob that poked at my throat.
Bloop .
My phone beeped and I patted the space next to me, only it wasn’t there. Or on the table.
“It’s on the counter. I’ll get it,” Mom said and got up to fetch it for me.
I went back to my salad, wondering what Azrael was up to right now when Mom gasped.
“What?” I turned to her. She stared at my phone in one hand and put the other to her mouth.
“Violet, what is it?” Dad asked.
When she looked up at me, her eyes were wet.
“Duke? Wh—why do you have a reminder for chemo?”
Shit. Fuck. Shitting fuck .
“Um…I don’t?—”
“Is it back?” she asked, walking to me.
“You guys, no. I don’t know why?—”
“Duke!” Pen shouted. “Stop.”
Both my parents looked at Penny. Any amusement present on their faces or in the atmosphere evaporated instantly.
“You knew?” Mom asked.
“Don’t blame Penny, Mom. I asked her to keep it to herself.”
“I’m not blaming Penny, Duke. I’m not blaming anyone. I just…why wouldn’t you tell us?” Tears ran down her cheeks and she collapsed on the chair next to me.
“That’s why, Mom.” I pointed to her face. “I already put you through so much. I didn’t want to put you through it again.”
“Duke, that’s ridiculous. We’re your parents. We need to know. What if…?” Dad started and covered his eyes before he could finish his sentence, but I knew what he meant to say.
What if I died and they had no idea.
What if they didn’t get a chance to say goodbye like I didn’t get to say to Noah.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
The bell rang, but no one dared move. Dad cried in his hand, Mom tried to muffle her sobs, and Penny was consoling them both.
“I’ll get that,” I said.
I needed the escape. The distance. I couldn’t stand seeing them like that. I’d seen them break down enough times in my life to hate having played a part in it now. Having played the part.
I walked to the living room with Max and Clover by my side, and I took comfort in their happy-go-lucky presence as I put my leg up to stop Clover from running out when I opened the door.
My breath was knocked out of my lungs at once, and I stumbled back in disbelief.
“A…Azrael,” I stuttered.
He was standing in my doorway, tall as the day I met him but somehow even more handsome. Even more radiant. Remi, Maria, Isko, and Lola were standing behind him. Noah was nestled in his grandmother’s arms and cooed at me.
“Is…is this real? Or am I dead? Oh shit. I died, didn’t I?”
Azrael shook his head and walked inside. Clover jumped at his leg, but Azrael put his arms around me and held me close.
“I’m really here, Duke. We all are.”
I shook my head in denial. In shock. In desperation.
I didn’t know if there’d ever be a day I didn’t cry, but it certainly wasn’t today because I did. Again.
“You really are,” I whispered, and he kissed me.
His sweet, fruity taste assaulted my senses at once and my knees went weak, but I couldn’t fall, I couldn’t collapse. Not while he held me and kissed me and breathed me in.
His tongue teased mine, and I closed my eyes, willing this dream to not turn into a nightmare as I reciprocated and claimed his mouth in return.
“Hey! Hey! Hey! What’s with the sex show, people? There are children and dogs present,” Remi exclaimed, and I pulled away, laughing.
“S-sorry.” I wiped my mouth.
My cheeks were hot, and I knew if I dared look at Maria or Lola, I’d die of embarrassment.
“Nah. I’m just playing with you. I think Noah was cheering you on, to be honest,” Remi answered.
“Hi, little man!” I reached for his hand and he grabbed one finger to squeeze.
“Gah, of course I’m completely ignored when there’s a baby involved,” Remi groaned.
“Oh, Remiel. Don’t be an ass,” Maria said and stepped forward to give me a hug. “Are you okay, my dear?”
I nodded and took turns hugging each of them, leaving Lola for last. Her hug was the best. It was the strongest.
“Azrael told us the situation and we had to come here to help,” she said and squeezed my cheek.
“What?”
“Yeah. I promised to help you here, Duke. To be by your side and I intend to keep my promise. I was just too overwhelmed for a moment to see it,” Azrael said, and Remi passed him Noah.
I looked at baby Noah and bit my tongue.
No, they couldn’t be here. They shouldn’t. This was a mistake.
“No. It’s too dangerous, Azrael. Guys!”
“That’s why we’re here, darling. To help with Noah while Azrael helps you through this trial,” Maria said.
I shook my head and took her hands.
“But…this might take months. Your home?—”
“Home is where family is. And you, my sweet boy are family now. And you need us. Now, you better give me the name and number of your doctor so I can talk to them and find out what you need to beat this thing the best, and I’ll make sure you get it, all right?”
I opened my mouth to say something—not sure what—when Mom, Dad, and Penny entered the room.
“Duke! What’s going on?” Mom asked as Penny came up to Azrael and gave him a big hug.
“Oh! Is that your mom? Hi! I’m Azrael’s mother, Maria.”
Mom barely managed to say her name before Maria embraced her and kissed her cheek. “Now, don’t you worry, Violet. I’m a nurse, and I’ll make sure your son is taken care of, okay?”
Mom nodded with wide eyes and glanced at me when Maria hugged her again as if she didn’t know what to say or make of this situation.
“Wyatt’s put them up at Luna’s Lodge,” Azrael said behind me, and I turned to face him as everyone else introduced themselves and started talking. “And I was hoping to reclaim my bedroom.”
“No,” I said.
“No?” He grimaced. “You don’t want me anymore?”
“I definitely want him.” I tickled under Noah’s chin, and he smiled at me. Definitely his father’s son. “You? Meh.” I shrugged.
“Oh. So you’re using me for my son, then.”
“Duh! Have you seen how cute he is?”
“He is pretty darn cute, isn’t he?” He smirked. “But I’m not sleeping in the stable with Calliope, as much as I love her.”
“I know, idiot. I meant, how about you claim my bed instead?”
He grinned and put one arm around the small of my back so he, Noah, and I were glued together.
“I’d like that.”
“Me too.”
“Only if you agree to something.”
“What?” I asked.
He took a deep breath. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
“Ya!” Noah cooed, shaking his hands between us.
I laughed.
“I don’t think I have a choice in the matter. Everyone’s already decided for me.” I stroked Noah’s cheek before I did the same to Azrael.
“There’s always a choice, Duke. And I want you to choose me.”
“Of course, I choose you, Pikachu.”
His face darkened for a moment, and he stared into my eyes.
“I’m serious, Duke. I know I come with baggage, and you’ve never been in a relationship?—”
“Are you kidding? If this is what you call baggage, we’re going to have a problem.” I glanced at Noah. “I’ve always wanted a family. I just…”
“You just what?”
“I don’t want anything to happen to him. Or you. Or your family.”
His hand moved to the back of my neck, and he leaned his forehead against mine.
“We’re all in this together, Duke. I don’t want anything to happen to you, Penny, or your parents. But you heard Nanay. We’re family. And family always sticks together.”
Family.
My heart expanded at the mention of the word under his gaze. Breathing him in.
How on earth had my family grown by six members overnight? And why did that make me all the more determined to see this through to the end and make sure no one—fucking no one—suffered because of a stupid decision I made at one of my most desperate moments.
We needed to put an end to this drug ring, and we needed to do it now, no matter what it took. Not for me. But for everyone else. It was more personal than ever, but I had faith in Azrael and his team. This was their job.
Besides, I didn’t know if I had the guts or heart to say no to him again.
Not ever again.
Because the minute I met him, my heart belonged to him. And I can’t live without my heart, now can I ?