24. Azrael
TWENTY-FOUR
AZRAEL
“ S tay with me,” I said.
I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want him to go back on his own, not without me.
Duke looked at me with red eyes and a sad smile.
“You know I can’t. I’ve got the sanctuary, my animals. They need me regardless of the bullshit behind the scenes,” he said. “And you’ve got Noah, who needs you here.”
I closed my eyes and hugged him like I’d been hugging him all evening and all night into the morning. Because I didn’t want to let go, but no matter what way I tried to put my mind in order to try to find a solution, I couldn’t. I couldn’t think how to solve this unsolvable problem.
“I wish things were different.” And I did. I so did.
I wish he’d never gotten involved with Salieri and his sanctuary wasn’t under threat, and we could be together. But if he hadn’t gotten into trouble, I never would have met him. I wish he lived here and not so many thousands of miles away.
“We knew this would end one day. One way or another,” he whispered. “It just has to happen this way and that…that’s okay.”
I took a deep breath and held his face close to mine. His hair was tousled from the pillow under his head, but it made him so much cuter.
“This doesn’t have to be the end, Duke. I can come to you. When all this is over, I can come to you.”
He smiled.
“And what if it doesn’t? What if they won’t go away? What if?—”
“And what if they do?”
Duke exhaled and blinked some tears away.
“I want nothing more than to be with you, Azrael. Nothing more. But you’ve got to think of your son now. You chose me once when you stayed with me through my mess of a life, and that was enough. I can’t ask you to choose me twice. Not now. Not about this.”
I touched my forehead to his and closed my eyes.
He was right. Of course he was. Noah’s safety was the most important thing. But I wish I didn’t have to choose. I wish I didn’t have to choose at all because I wanted to choose him and Noah. Why couldn’t I choose both of them?
“Fuck!” I said.
I preferred life in the Navy. It was far less complicated. When did real life get so messy?
Something buzzed, and I opened my eyes. Duke unlocked his phone and sighed.
“Taxi’s here.”
I didn’t think I’d heard a worse sentence come out of anyone’s mouth. I didn’t think I’d ever felt my heart so shattered as now.
“Okay. Let’s go,” I said.
Duke shook his head.
“Don’t. I…it’ll make it harder. Just…stay, please. I want you to stay with Noah and your family. I’ll be okay. I promise. I’ll…I’ll be okay.” He bit both lips and squinted, choking down his sob, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I kissed him. I claimed his lips and tasted him one last time.
It was Duke who ended it. Who pulled away. Who left me standing in the guest room, watching the love of my life walk away.
I sat by the window and watched him get into the taxi and be taken away. I sat there staring into the world outside that suddenly looked so gray and cold.
“You better have a reason for all this,” I mumbled and glanced up into the sky. “You better…”
I didn’t manage to say it again. The tears consumed me, and all I could do was let them run while I stood frozen in space, like a mannequin, a statue, a gargoyle of misery and pain.
And then Noah woke up, and I had to bury it all and be there for him. Be his dad even though I didn’t know how yet. I didn’t know how to be anything without Duke.
“Give me a second, and I’ll join you,” Nanay said, but I shook my head.
“I just want to be alone with him right now.” I walked out the door with Noah, and we strolled along aimlessly, without purpose.
Fresh air was good for babies. I couldn’t say the same about adults. Not when they’d lost the person of their dreams.
It was nice and warm out, which meant I kept going and going, and to no one’s surprise, I ended up at church, although I couldn’t see how it could help right now. It was quite ironic, considering God was the one I could always trust to help me and guide me.
“Azrael! How are you, my boy? I saw you yesterday but didn’t manage to say hello. I heard the good news,” Father Agustin said and glanced down at Noah. “Are you here to arrange the baptism for the young one?”
I shook my head.
“He was already baptized by his mother in Chula Vista. I’m here for…I’m looking for…actually, I don’t know why I’m here.”
I closed my eyes and tried to compose myself, but it did me little good. It didn’t stop the tears or the priest from coming to my aid, which only made the crying harder.
“Talk to me, my child. What’s wrong? What’s on your mind?”
He sat me in a pew and held my hand with both hands, watching me quietly.
“I just…I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. He’s gone, and I don’t know how…I don’t know how to fix it. How to fix everything.”
He stayed quiet as I poured my soul out, telling him everything I’d been through over the past month. The good, the bad, the horrible. But unlike every other time I’d been to confession or asked for guidance, I didn’t feel lighter at the end. I didn’t feel anything but pain.
“I wish I could give you the answers you’re looking for, my child, I really do, but I don’t think anyone can. I think you need to clear your head, put things down, and ask for help. That’s the only way I know to fix anything.”
I stared at the cross over the altar, at the sculpture of Jesus on it, at the representation of all that was good and gracious in the world, and all I saw was Duke. I saw him in everything. I didn’t know how to clear my head when he was haunting me already. When I knew he would for the rest of my life.
“Thanks, Father. I don’t think this one can be fixed, but…thank you.”
“Don’t lose faith, Azrael. Never lose faith.”
I almost laughed in the priest’s face. A few days ago, I would have said the same thing to myself, but now, I couldn’t see how to keep it.
Noah woke up from his nap shortly after, and I was forced to put myself together somewhat, get him changed, and walk back home.
Nanay and Lola took Noah from me so I could mope around in the guest room, where we had laid before, where I’d held him, where it still smelled like him, and somehow, I fell asleep. But then I woke up and went back to moping all over again.
“How are you feeling?” Remi asked, walking into the room later that night.
I glared at him, and he hissed.
“Stupid question. Sorry.” He sat at the foot of the bed and sighed. “Why did he have to go again?”
“Because, Remi. He has a sanctuary. He has creatures and clients who rely on him.”
“Right. Right.” He rocked back and forth, pursing his lips from side to side. “And why can’t you go with him? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to go and take my nephew with you, but if it would save us from this pity party, I think I’ll be okay with the sacrifice.”
“It’s complicated.” I turned my back on him and hugged the pillow as if it were him. As if it were my Duke.
It smelled like him.
“Which means what exactly?”
I didn’t answer.
“Is it because your relationship is still new? Because I don’t know if you noticed, but Duke is in love with your son. And with you. So I don’t think he cares.”
He really was. The way he looked at Noah, how he held him, played with him. He was better at it than me. Being Noah’s dad. Not that I knew he wanted that. But I also knew he wanted to be with me, so maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe he wanted all of me, whatever that entailed, but he couldn’t have me. I couldn’t have him.
“It’s complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it for me.”
I turned and glanced at my brother. He looked at me through his big, round glasses, and I took big, long breaths.
“It’s dangerous. That’s why.”
“Then what the hell are you doing here?” Nanay asked, walking into the bedroom.
“Did you forget a little boy called Noah?” I asked, looking at my son in her arms.
“I didn’t forget no one. But if Duke is in danger, he needs you just as much.”
“How? How can I leave my son after what happened to Ava?”
“No one said anything about leaving him.”
I rubbed my face with both hands because she was so confusing.
“And what, Nanay? Am I supposed to take my kid into a dangerous situation?”
Mom stared at me for a moment and pursed her lips.
“Answer me one thing, Azrael. Is Duke okay?”
I frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“It means I know sick when I see it. Is he sick?”
I lowered my head and nodded.
“Lymphoma,” I mumbled.
“And he’s in danger?” Remi asked.
“Yeah. He…he’s gotten himself stuck in the middle of a crime lord’s business.”
“What the fuck!” Remi exclaimed.
I glared at my brother, but my mom repeated the same thing.
“Nanay! We need to talk about language in front of my son.”
“Screw that now, Azrael. That boy is family. And he needs you now more than ever,” she said.
It was my turn to stare at her.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“Susmaryosep, Azrael! What do you think it means? What do we do when family needs us?”
“We go to them,” I answered.
“Hey! What do you know? He still has a brain!” Remi said.