23. Duke
TWENTY-THREE
DUKE
“ A re you sure you’re ready?” he asked, standing at the door and holding my hands.
I hated that he had to worry about me when he had far more important things to worry about. Like the baby behind that door.
“I’m sure.”
Azrael opened the door to Remi’s room and walked with me to Noah’s crib. The tears, the pain, everything that had come at me in full force was there, just under the surface, threatening to spill, but I had to be strong. I had to. For Azrael. And for little Noah.
I looked into the crib, and despite being weak and allowing my eyes to get wet, I couldn’t help but smile. Noah looked at me and giggled, and I’d be damned if it wasn’t the best damn sound I’d heard in my life.
“Do you want to hold him?”
I turned to Azrael and pursed my lips.
“Only if that’s okay.”
He smirked.
“Of course it’s okay, silly boy. Here.” He leaned in and picked him up carefully, giving him extra support around the neck even though he was big enough and old enough to not need it, and passed him over to me.
Noah immediately touched his forehead to my chin and laughed. His little hands rested around my neck as if he was hugging me. I bit through the pain that tore through me because it felt as if he was giving me a hug, and I’d be damned if I let myself cry again. Not again.
Instead, I kissed him on the top of the head, on his fluffy little tuft of hair, and he looked up at me as if searching for something in my face, my eyes.
“Hi, Noah,” I choked. “You’re adorable, you know that?” He giggled. “You do know, huh? I’d say we need to teach you some humility, but you’re too cute, so flaunt it, honey.”
“Ba boo,” he babbled, and both Azrael and I laughed.
“Should I be offended my son just talked to you, and he hasn’t talked to me yet?”
I shrugged.
“I mean, your son clearly has taste. You can’t hold it against him if he’s taken by me.”
“No.” He shook his head with a smile and put his arms around me and Noah. “No, I can’t.”
He kissed Noah’s forehead, then mine, and closed his eyes. This had a good chance of being the best moment of my life, and I felt wrong for feeling that. It wasn’t like Noah was mine. It wasn’t like Azrael was mine either. I was just a stranger. A nobody. But I didn’t care. At that moment, with Noah in my arms and I in Azrael’s, I didn’t care.
The moment was broken by a knock on the door, and whoever it was, I would forever hate them for it. Because breaking away from this hug meant going back to reality, and I didn’t want reality. Not yet.
“Come on. Nanay made lunch,” Remi said when he opened the door, and I bit my tongue.
Okay, maybe I wouldn’t hate the guy who’d sat with me while I had a breakdown forever, but I could glare at him. And I did. In my head. Because I wouldn’t do that in real life to such a good guy.
“Hungry?” Azrael asked, and my stomach answered for me.
I was still holding Noah when we walked into the kitchen, and Azrael’s mom pulled up the seat next to hers for me.
“Do you want me to take him?” she asked.
I should, really. She’d just met her grandson for the first time, but it felt…it felt like there was nothing I couldn’t face with him in my arms.
“Um…” I started.
“He’ll tell us when he gets tired, won’t you, Duke?” Azrael said, and I turned to him.
He simply gave me a smile, and I thanked him.
“I hope you eat meat, Duke. If not, I can point out what’s vegetarian,” Maria said.
“Oh, I do eat meat,” I said, swallowing the chuckle.
Yes, I’m a child. Still .
I was successful, but Azrael, on the other hand, didn’t have the same reservations, so he did laugh, and Noah copied him.
I rolled my eyes as if I were any better and dove into some of the tastiest food I’d eaten in a long time. There was soup stew, stir fry, noodles, egg rolls I found out were called lumpia in Filipino cuisine, and other delicacies that were all too inviting and tasty to fit in my tiny stomach. Halfway through the meal, I handed Noah to Azrael, and by dessert, I was full, content, and super tired. And I’d barely done anything today. Other than cry my eyes out.
“Would you like to rest, my dear?” Lola asked me after my fourth yawn in a row.
“Oh, I’m okay.”
She raised an eyebrow at me and pushed her chair back.
“Are you sure? Because you’re making us all sleepy with those jaw-breaking yawns.”
I laughed and noticed Remi hiding a yawn, so I relented and let her guide me to the guest room.
“The bathroom is this door right here. Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will do. Thank you, Mrs. Ramos.”
“What did we say? My name is Lola. I’m everyone’s Lola.”
“Thank you, Lola,” I repeated and lay on the bed as Lola closed the door, but before she did, she paused and looked at me.
“You’re good for him. I like you.”
I stopped breathing for a second. Had she just…?
“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“Anak, I’m no fool. I know love when I see it, and you both reek of it.”
I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if it was my place to confirm anything, so I didn’t. She closed the door, and I went to sleep wondering when my life had turned so weird and when the other shoe would drop. Because it had to, right?
The other shoe always dropped. I wasn’t Duke Tyler Allen for nothing.
I was fed again after I woke up, played with Noah a little, and tried to watch a movie with Azrael and the family, but I was tired again by nine, so Azrael took me back to the guest room and kissed me good night.
The following morning, I was woken by a rap on the door, and Maria walked in with a cup of coffee.
“I asked Azrael how you take it,” she said.
“Thank you so much. You’re very sweet.” I took the cup from her and sat up in bed.
“We’re off to church in a bit. Would you like to come with us? You don’t have to, but I thought you might not like being alone here.”
“Ah, yes, of course.”
As if I’d stay alone in their house. It spoke volumes about them that they’d allow me that, but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. So I got up, dressed, finished my coffee, and joined the family for breakfast before we walked to church.
“Are you sure about this? We can skip it if you want,” Azrael said. He pushed Noah’s stroller next to me, and I kept tickling his little neck every few steps to a resounding laugh that warmed my heart.
“I won’t make you skip church with your family, Azrael. I don’t want them to hate me before they even get to know me.”
“Trust me, they don’t hate you.”
I ignored him and focused on the commotion in front of us as we reached the church. I followed them inside and mimicked Azrael in everything he did. I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb, and I already did, thanks to my skin color. It felt like I was intruding, so the best I could do was show my respect.
I even prayed, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that. Asking God for anything had never been on my list. I’d much rather send a letter to Santa. But…when in Rome.
Surprisingly, I didn’t feel half as bad as I expected when we came out. The last time I’d been in church, I couldn’t wait to leave it.
We stepped outside, and Maria, Isko, and Lola started catching up with their friends.
“Yes, this is our grandson,” Maria said. “We just found out about him. It’s a long story.”
“Isn’t he handsome? The most beautiful boy,” Isko said.
“He’s the spitting image of his daddy, isn’t he?” Lola said.
Remi stood behind with us and stared at his parents.
“God, they’re ridiculously proud, aren’t they?”
Azrael and I stared at him.
“Hey, they have every right to be. Noah is the GOAT. It’s just funny to see. It’s nice,” Remi said.
“It is,” Azrael said.
“Have you met our son-in-law? This is Duke. He’s such a good boy,” Lola said. It took me a moment to register my name, and when I did, I bit my tongue.
“Lola!” Azrael said as one of Lola’s friends shook my hand.
“What?” Lola asked.
“Oh, come on, big brother. Don’t deny it. You two are an item. You can barely hide it.”
Azrael glared at his brother.
“Well, thanks for stealing my coming out from me, everyone.”
“What coming out? Love is coming out now? Well, that’s news to me,” Remi said.
“I…no, but…” Azrael mumbled.
“Anak, it doesn’t take a genius to know you two are in love, and we don’t care what happened or how. We’re just glad you found someone that makes you happy,” Isko said, and damn it, I was crying again.
Why couldn’t everyone have a family like them? Why couldn’t every child in the world be loved and accepted like that? Why couldn’t my Noah have had that? Why did he have to have horrible parents?
“I don’t know what to say,” he said. “But yes, I do love Duke, and I’m proud of it.”
Remi patted his brother’s back and squeezed his cheek.
“Welcome to the family.”
“I’m already in the family, dufus.”
Remi rolled his eyes.
“The queer family, dufus!”
“Oh.”
I laughed.
“And you, welcome to the family. The Ramos Reyes family,” he directed at me.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do or how to act, so I just smiled in response and mouthed a thank-you before we walked around San Diego to enjoy the nice sunny Sunday and have lunch in a restaurant by the sea.
The rest of the day was…it was like an alternate reality, where I could be happy and good and healthy. It was surreal, but I wasn’t mad at it.
Naturally, of course, I was tired again when we got home, so I had a nap…for barely five minutes before a scream broke out and jolted me awake.
The culprit? You guessed it. A little angel by the name of Noah. Everyone took turns trying to calm him, but he wouldn’t.
“Poor thing, he’s teething already,” Maria said.
“He won’t take the pacifier,” Azrael said.
“Huh! He won’t take the pacifier. We’ll see about that.” Lola took the pacifier from Azrael and returned not a moment later with it looking awfully wet.
“That’s not scotch, is it?” Azrael asked her.
“Diyos ko. No, Anak. It’s sugar water. Everyone loves sugar water.”
She put the pacifier against Noah’s lips, and after a couple licks, he opened his mouth and sucked on it for dear life, bringing some calm to the house once again.
We sat on the couch and played with Noah until he needed to be changed, and I went to Remi’s room to help Azrael.
“Do you know what you’re doing?”
“Come on. Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m a SEAL. I always know what I’m doing.”
I rolled my eyes and grabbed the baby wipes, and Azrael opened the gates to poopy hell.
“I changed my mind. You’re definitely not an angel, Noah. You’re a stinky little devil!”
As if he knew what I’d just said, Noah laughed, and I pinched my nose shut, teasing him while Azrael cleaned and changed him.
“There we go,” he said. “We make a good team, you and me.”
I nodded and took Noah from him.
“Yeah. I think we do.”
Azrael looked from me to Noah and smiled.
“I’m so sorry for bringing all this chaos into your life,” he said.
“Chaos? Have you seen my life?”
“Yeah, but…it’s different, isn’t it?”
I shrugged.
“It’s life. And crime. But mainly life.”
He chuckled and nodded.
“Yeah. Life.” He smirked and leaned into me, pretending to go for a kiss, but he changed course last minute and kissed Noah instead.
“Really?” I asked, raising an eyebrow, only to get my own kiss before I even finished my sentence.
I closed my eyes and kissed him back. Nothing dirty, nothing too intense, but it still sparked a fire inside me. A fire I didn’t want to extinguish.
“I love you, Duke. I love you,” he said after a moment, leaning his forehead to mine.
“I love you too, Azrael.”
“Good. Because you’re stuck with me.”
“Am I?” I chuckled. “Dear Lord.”
Azrael kissed my nose and pulled back to put the diaper in a plastic bag and pick up the changing mat from the floor.
I got up to follow him back into the living room and rejoin his family when his phone pinged and he stopped in his tracks.
“Shit,” he spat.
“What? What is it?”
“It’s Slade. They tracked the drugs. Salieri is definitely behind this.”
“Oh,” I said. Oh .
And there it was. The shoe had dropped. Not that it hadn’t before, but now it properly had. I had hoped the crime lord wreaking havoc on the island wasn’t behind my predicament, but naturally, he was. He was involved in everything that destroyed the sanctity of Mayberry Holm.
“We have to make a plan when we get back. We need to figure out what to do and how to stop it without you losing the sanctuary, or worse…”
I nodded. I kept nodding. On and on. Because it was the only thing I could do.
I guessed I didn’t deserve to have something good for once. Not even for a little while. Not even for a weekend.
“Azrael,” I said as he started walking again.
He turned around and immediately hugged me.
“Don’t worry, Duke. We’ll figure it out. Me and the guys? We’ve got this?—”
“I think you should stay. Here, I mean.”
“What? No!”
“Azrael.” I exhaled. “You have to think of him now.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I can’t.”
“But you must. For Noah. It’s too dangerous for him. He doesn’t need that in his life. Not after what he’s been through. You need to look after him.”
Azrael cupped my cheek and shook his head.
There it was again. My heart broke in a million pieces. But at least now I knew it had to be this way. It had to happen, and I was okay with that. Because Noah deserved better. Noah deserved to be safe with his dad. And if I didn’t do this and something happened to him? I’d never forgive myself.
“Who’s gonna look after you?” he asked.
“You said it yourself. Wyatt and everyone else will…” My voice broke before I could say the word help. Because I didn’t want to. Because I didn’t want anyone else to help me but Azrael. But he couldn’t. He had to stay, and I couldn’t have him.
Not now.
Not ever again.