22. Duke
TWENTY-TWO
DUKE
T hat name.
I…couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
Of course it would haunt me at the lowest point in my life. At a time when everything that could go wrong was. I’d needed a reminder that I didn’t deserve anything nice or good. I didn’t deserve to be happy—or, at the very least, blissful—for one fucking second.
I ran. I ran away from it all because it was the only thing I could do, and even that, I couldn’t do very well.
I only made it as far as the porch before my lungs gave up on me and I collapsed on the steps, trying to catch my breath.
Fucking chemo.
Fucking cancer.
Fucking life.
When I said I’d like to get fucked, I meant the nice, good way. Not rammed by every fuckery possible.
But it figures. I should have been more specific with my wishes and dreams. Of course they’d go wrong.
I leaned against the balustrade and closed my eyes as the tears fell on my hands and lap, outside of my control.
Why couldn’t I have a good weekend? Why? I was gonna go back to my life on Monday and dedicate whatever was left of it to my sanctuary like I always had. Why couldn’t life, fate, God, whatever the fuck it was, just give me a break from heartache for just two fucking days? Why? What had I done so wrong in my life to deserve this? What?
“Hey,” someone said behind me, and I barely registered their voice, but then he sat next to me, and I realized it was Azrael’s brother.
“Hey,” I sniffed.
“Are you okay? No, wait. Don’t answer that. That’s a stupid question. Of course you’re not. I’ll shut up now. Sorry.”
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault.”
“It’s okay.” He shrugged. “I’m here if you want to talk. I know I’m a stranger, but I’m here for you.”
That was sweet of him. Of course he’d be sweet. He was a Ramos Reyes, after all. How could he not be? But I couldn’t talk. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to talk. Not ever again. It was too painful. Too raw despite how long it’d been.
Remi put his hands on his knees and leaned his head on them, watching the world go by in front of us. He didn’t look at me with pity, judgment, or irritation.
I really fucking appreciate that right now .
I didn’t know how much worse I’d feel if he did. There was only so much a boy could handle, and I was at my limit.
So I cried. And cried and cried until my tears ran dry. Until the world became less blurry. Until it felt like I could breathe again.
The door behind us opened, and Azrael’s family came out. The last to do so was Azrael, holding his baby in his arms with the saddest look on his face, aimed right at me.
“Hey,” he said. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, but the tears threatened to come out again, so I looked away from him. From little Noah.
“You guys mind taking him home? We’ll be right behind you,” he said, and his mom took the baby and placed him in the infant carseat Lola held.
Remi stood up.
“Thanks,” I told him.
He smiled.
“Anytime,” he answered, following everyone else to the car as Azrael turned to me.
“Do you want to sit or walk?” he asked.
I glanced behind me and shrugged.
“We should probably clear the poor woman’s porch,” I mumbled and took Azrael’s hand to get myself up.
We reached the end of the sidewalk as his family drove off, waving at us, and we turned to the left.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come out to check on you?—”
“No, please don’t be. You were there for your child. You already had too much to deal with. I’m sorry for making it all about me and ruining everything.”
“You don’t need to apologize, and you didn’t ruin anything.” He threaded his fingers through mine and raised my hand to kiss the back of it. “Want to tell me what happened?”
I clenched my stomach and looked up at the blue sky. My eyes felt sore, but that didn’t stop them from giving me a fresh batch of tears to push through.
“It’s too painful,” I said after what felt like forever.
“Did I do something?”
“What?” I turned to him and wiped my face. “No. Of course not. I hate that you’d think that.”
“But…as soon as I showed you Noah?—”
“It’s not you. It’s him. Well, not him. Just…his name.”
“What’s wrong with his name?”
I looked down at the ground and took a deep breath.
“Nothing’s wrong with his name. It…it just means a lot to me.”
Azrael stopped and turned to face me. He let go of my hand and patted my shoulder before cupping my face.
“You don’t have to tell me, but you know I’m here for you, right?”
I looked into his eyes, which were still as sad as they were when he came out of the house, and I hated myself for putting him through that. For ruining this moment that was meant to be all about joy for him—if there was any joy to be found in the idea that his son’s mother was dead and he’d had no idea about him, but still.
He deserved better than that. Better than me.
“You remember…remember when I told you the cancer came back when I was sixteen?”
He nodded and rubbed my cheeks.
“Well…I met someone when I went back to chemo. A boy. He…he went to my school, but he was a year older than me. We never really talked. We had no reason to. He wasn’t exactly popular, but I certainly wasn’t anyone’s favorite. He had friends. I had my sister, and don’t get me wrong, she was more than enough, but it didn’t make school any easier. Especially when I missed so much because of my first time with the cancer rodeo.”
I paused and stole a glance at him before I turned and started walking again. I didn’t want to stand around. I didn’t want to keep telling this story while he stared at me. It wouldn’t make it any easier to tell.
“Well, we got to talking in the room, during chemo. We bonded over our shared predicament. And it turned out he was so nice. So sweet. I always thought he was too cool for school, but he was a nerd, like me. And he loved animals too. He wanted to work with them too. It was crazy—I mean not that crazy considering we live on an agricultural island—but still wild we’d be so…so alike.”
We reached the end of the road, and Azrael looked around us, guiding me down another, his hand locked with mine again. My skin was warmed by his. It made things easier. It made everything easier.
“We became friends so quickly, but it made sense. We were both fighting death, so it wasn’t like we had time to waste. And it turned out he was gay too. As soon as we met to go to the movies, he started gushing about all the guys on the screen, and I realized I had completely misjudged him. So, I started doing the same. I don’t know. It seemed easier than just saying, ‘Hey, I’m gay too.’” Azrael chuckled. “By the time we came out of the theater, we were boyfriends, and I’d had my very first kiss. It was…it was nice. I was in heaven. I never thought I’d have the chance to fall in love and be with someone because that was exactly what happened. I fell in love. And it didn’t matter that we were moving fast. It just made sense for us.
“I really loved him. I loved him so much. He was like my better half. He always knew what to say, how to make me laugh, how to make me feel appreciated. How to make me feel loved. This boy who was so confident in himself despite his parents being religious assholes who would hate him if they found out. Which was what happened. Eventually. We managed to keep it from them for a long time. But when we started hanging out more and more, they suspected.”
“Oh God,” Azrael said. “Did they do something ugly?”
I laughed as a fresh boatload of tears streamed down my face.
“They didn’t get a chance. He…he died…just before his last treatment. One day, he never showed up to the clinic and wasn’t answering his phone. I never got to say goodbye. I never…” I started, but all the words left my mouth in spittle and sobs. And when Azrael took me into his arms, it only got worse. “He…he left me…I…had to…live…”
“Shhh. It’s okay, Duke. It’s okay,” he whispered. “He didn’t leave you, baby. He didn’t have a choice. He loved you. I’m sure he did and didn’t want to leave you, but…he lost the battle, and there’s nothing you or him or anyone else could have done.”
I shook my head and pulled away.
“I hate that. I don’t…I hate that. He didn’t lose a battle. If it’s a battle, it means…it means there are winners. And I survived. I didn’t win. I didn’t win anything. I lost. I lost him. And he wasn’t a loser. He was a fighter. He was the best. He deserved to live. Not me.”
I bawled my eyes out again, and again, Azrael wrapped his arm around me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Duke. I didn’t mean it like that. But don’t think for a second you didn’t deserve to live. That’s not true. You didn’t deserve to die just like he didn’t. And it sucks, and it’s horrible, and it’s not okay, but you lived. And that’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just…the cards life deals us sometimes. Sometimes, we lose people. And it’s not fair. It’s never fair. But the best thing we can do to honor them is to live to the best of our abilities. To live our lives the way they didn’t get a chance to.”
I knew it was supposed to make it easier. I was supposed to hear that and be rejuvenated by a new purpose in life, but I wasn’t, and it didn’t make it easier. I didn’t know anything ever would.
“His name…” I said and looked up at him. He was blurry, but I didn’t know if wiping my eyes would help. “His name was Noah.”
Tears ran down Azrael’s face, and I felt bad. I felt so bad for shedding that load on him. It wasn’t his. He didn’t deserve it.
“Aw, my love. I’m so…so sorry,” he said.
“What are you sorry for? You didn’t name him. You didn’t know, and even if you did, it’s not your fault. It’s God’s for playing tricks on me.”
He smiled and wiped his eyes before doing the same to mine.
“I don’t think he’s playing tricks on you. I think he’s trying to send you a message. I think Noah is trying to tell you something.”
“Oh yeah? What is that? How to break down in front of your family and look like an idiot?”
“No. That he’s still here.” He placed his hand on my heart. “And he’s still watching over you. And he wants you to live. To not be afraid.”
“I’m not afraid to live.” I grimaced.
“I think you are. I think you have been since you lost him. You keep thinking you’re going to die this time around, and now I know why. I know what happened to Noah traumatized you. It came out of nowhere. It was sudden, and you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, but just because it happened to him doesn’t mean it’s going to happen to you. Okay?”
“You don’t know that.”
“And you don’t either. No one does. If we could, we’d all live differently. But I think you owe it to him and to yourself to not shy away from living. Even if you don’t make it…don’t you want to make these last few moments count for something?”
He didn’t understand. He didn’t know how hard it was. He didn’t know the kind of pain I’d be putting him through if I didn’t make it.
“We should get going.”
I tried to walk away, but Azrael held on, pulling me back to him.
“Duke. Did you hear me?”
“I did.”
“Did you?”
I looked into his eyes and bit my tongue. I wanted to hear him. I wanted to hear him so much.
“I did. Loud and clear,” I said.
I just hoped he wouldn’t come to regret it.