Chapter 16
16
“ C ate, don’t, please,” he said. “Cate, sit down. Please.”
She stilled. Strangely, her body wanted to sit. But her brain kept telling her to run and hide.
Idiot. Such an idiot.
She grasped hold of the hair tie and flicked her wrist.
“What are you doing?” he asked sharply.
Crap. That was the last thing she needed to be doing around him. Ethan was far too observant. And she couldn’t have him telling Rhodes about this.
“Nothing.”
Ethan’s gaze narrowed, and he studied her closely. But she didn’t think he’d have been able to see her since the kitchen counter sat between them so she simply gave him a calm look back.
“I want to leave.”
“I’d rather you didn’t. I know that if you leave, you’ll retreat even further. You might start thinking that you did something wrong—something to be embarrassed about.”
“I did,” she whispered.
“No, baby. You didn’t.” He leaned forward. “I was telling you about myself so you’d know that there was nothing to be ashamed of. The more time I spent in the Littles area, the more time I wanted to spend there. It was like discovering a part of myself that had been hidden. Locked down. And it felt so right to let that piece of myself out. What I’m trying to say is that I’m a Daddy Dom, Cate.”
“Whatever happened last night . . . it’s without my consent.”
His eyes widened. “I didn’t . . . I’m sorry you feel as though I breached your consent, but I would never do that. All I did was try to keep you calm and happy until Rhodes got here. If it happens again, I’ll be sure to keep out of your way.”
What just happened?
Why was he upset with her? She didn’t want Ethan to be upset with her. He turned away, heading out of the kitchen.
A low whine escaped her. What the heck was that? She’d never made a sound like that before in her life. But she didn’t want him to go . . . not when she wasn’t sure what she’d done or how to fix it.
“I’m sorry!” she blurted out. “I apologize. It’s all my fault. If you tell me what to do to fix this, I will. Do you . . . do you wish to p-punish me?”
He whirled around so quickly that she stumbled back, tripping over her own feet and landing on her bottom.
Ouch. That hurt.
Cate rarely tripped. She was always very careful in her movements, not wanting to give people another reason to ridicule her. So, landing on her bottom like this was a shock. And she thought it was the shock more than the pain that brought tears to her eyes.
“Cate! Are you all right, sweetheart?” Ethan crouched down in front of her.
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Baby, you’re crying. What hurts?”
“I . . . I . . .” Sweetheart and baby? She didn’t know what to do with that. How to react. “I’m sorry I upset you. I do that sometimes without meaning to. And then I don’t know how to make it better because I don’t know what I did in the first place. So I need you to tell me.”
“Whoa. Okay. I think we’ve got our wires crossed. But first, let’s make sure you’re all right. I’m going to touch you.”
Before she could reply, he’d lifted her onto the kitchen island.
“You shouldn’t keep sitting me up here. It’s unhygienic,” she told him.
“I’ll clean it after,” he promised.
“With disinfectant spray?”
“Yes.”
She nodded. That was acceptable, then. She’d forgotten to tell him last time. However, she’d returned later and done it herself.
“Now, tell me what hurts,” he urged. “I want to run my hands over you to check, but I don’t want to upset you.”
“Nothing hurts.”
He eyed her for a moment. “You were in tears.”
Cate turned her head away. “That wasn’t really about pain.”
“I’m going to touch you again,” he warned as his fingers went to her chin, turning her face back around. “Why were you crying, Cate?”
“I’d rather not say.” She attempted to pull back behind her barrier. To gather up her scattered emotions. She felt like she was being torn into pieces, as though parts of her going everywhere and she had to bring them back in to feel whole again.
“Cate.” His voice was a soft whisper and when he cupped her face, she jolted. More in shock than because she didn’t want him to touch her.
So strange.
Cate hated people touching her, especially when she didn’t know them well. So basically, only Rhodes and sometimes, Oliver.
But here was Ethan cupping her face with his warm, callused hands and she felt . . . safe.
Was this what it felt like when you were in a relationship with someone? Did they make you feel safe?
“That’s it, sweetheart. Just calm down for me. I only want to talk. The last thing I want is to hurt you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, either. I’m sorry for what I said. It was wrong. Promise, I won’t do it again.”
“What did you do wrong?”
Well, hell.
She hadn’t been expecting follow-up questions.
“Um, if you would just tell me?—”
“Hush, Cate.” A finger went to her lips.
How could he get his tone of voice to be both gentle and firm? It was clever. He moved his finger from her lips.
That was . . . disappointing.
Sheesh. What was wrong with her?
“You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. And it’s killing me inside that you think you did. That you’re so quick to apologize when you have nothing to apologize for. The day we met, didn’t you say that you didn’t have to apologize for things that weren’t your fault?”
Right. She had said that. However, it still felt like she had done something wrong and was finding it hard to break that habit of apologizing.
“You were upset. At me. That means I did something wrong.”
He closed his eyes for a moment.
“Are you praying for patience?” she asked.
His eyes shot open. “Why would you say that?”
“My aunt would do that. Close her eyes, scrunch up her forehead and pray to God for patience. I’m not sure I believe in God. He certainly never gave her any patience, anyway.”
“I’m not praying for patience and I’m definitely not upset with you. I was upset with myself because I . . . because I didn’t have your consent, yet I still Daddied you.”
“Is Daddied a word?” she asked.
“Cate,” he said quietly. “You know what I mean.”
“You mean that while I regressed, you took care of me?”
“Yes. Without your consent.”
“But you weren’t to know that I was, well, we don’t know if it’s a form of sleepwalking. However, I assume if I’d told you no or to leave me, then you would have.”
“I hope that I would have. The truth is that I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to leave you when you were vulnerable. But I hope I would have given you space. And not have breached any boundaries.”
“What . . . what did we do?” All sorts of scenarios ran through her head. This is what she hated the most. The not knowing. Why couldn’t she remember?
Panic started to take hold and Ethan grasped her hand. She realized then that she was flicking her hair tie against her wrist.
“Hey, stop. Why are you doing that?”
“Oh. I . . . I didn’t realize I was doing it.”
Shit.
That was the truth. But now that he’d seen her do it, would he realize it was something she did often?
“Please don’t do that. You’ll hurt yourself.” His voice was so gentle.
She swayed, feeling tired and overloaded.
“Please tell me what I did.” A horrible thought occurred to her. “Oh my God. Did I breach your boundaries?”
“No, sweetheart?—”
“But I did things without your consent!”
“Hey, listen to me.” The words were sharp. Stern. It stopped her panic and made her turn her gaze to his. “You didn’t do anything that I didn’t want, understand? Nothing happened. But if there was something I wasn’t comfortable with, I would have made that clear.”
“I might not have been able to stop myself. I don’t know if I can think rationally when I’m like that. Because I don’t remember. I never remember!”
Suddenly, she started hitting her forehead.
“Cate,” he said sharply. “Cate, stop. Do you want me to get Rhodes?”
She shook her head. She needed . . . she needed . . . Cate didn’t know what she needed.
“Closet. Please.”
“Your closet?” he asked, looking confused.
“Please. Please.”
“Shh, baby. You don’t have to beg. You never have to beg for what you need. Well, unless it’s an orgasm that you want. Then you might have to beg me.”
Shock filled her as his words infiltrated the fog of panic. It took her a moment to realize that he had her cradled against his chest and was walking with her.
The feel of him surrounding her, holding her tight actually helped calm her. How did he do that? He was like her own personal Xanax dispenser. Only with touch and words rather than pharmaceuticals.
“Hey, Ethan, is everything okay?”
She stiffened as she heard Seth call out.
“Yeah, everything is fine. Cate isn’t feeling that great.”
“All right, we need to talk, but it can wait,” Seth said.
Pull yourself together, Cate.
“You can leave me and go speak with your colleague,” she told Ethan.
“I could,” he said. “But I don’t want to.”
He didn’t?
Oh.
“Why not?” she asked.
“Because I want to be here with you.”
They were now inside her room, and he walked to her closet. “You want to go into your closet?”
Now that she could think clearer, she was regretting this.
“Please put me down.”
She felt more in control now. She had this.
Only, as soon as he set her down, everything started to crack again. She fumbled for the door to her closet, diving inside.
This was her safe place. Where she could relax.
Except she didn’t feel safe anymore. She felt like she couldn’t catch her breath. Everything just seemed too much. There was too much noise. Too much light.
“Fuck, baby. What can I do? I’m getting your brother.”
“No! Don’t!”
“Do you want me to leave? Please don’t say you do. I don’t think I can.”
“Stay. Shut the door.” She curled up on her cushion and started to give herself butterfly hugs.
But it wasn’t enough.
She needed more.
She needed Ethan.
“What can I do to help?” he asked.
“You. I need you. Hold me. Now.”