Chapter 17
17
E than never panicked.
He was always good in a crisis. He never let his feelings overwhelm him or sway him from what needed to be done.
So why the heck was he in such a state of uncertainty right now? He had no idea.
All he knew was that Cate was panicking. And he had to help her.
“I need you,” she whispered in a broken voice.
“You’ve got me, baby. Whatever you need.” Perhaps he should call Rhodes. The other man would surely know what to do. But Cate was asking for him. And the last thing he ever wanted to do was deny her.
So he stepped into the closet and closed the door. He wasn’t entirely sure what they were doing in here. But when she fumbled, finally managing to turn on a nightlight, he took a moment to take everything in.
Cate was sitting on a beanbag chair on the floor and had pulled a blanket over her. She had her arms crossed over her chest and was patting her chest with her hands.
Was she trying to comfort herself?
Moving slowly so he didn’t frighten her, he settled on the floor. “What do you want me to do?”
“It’s not working.” Her breathing was fast and shallow. And he didn’t like it.
Not one bit.
“What isn’t?”
“C-can’t comfort myself. You.”
“You want me to comfort you? To pat your chest?” he asked.
“Hold me.”
She wanted him to hold her?
Well, he could do that.
Sitting on the floor, he held open his arms. “Come here, baby.” Ethan figured it might be better to let her come to him. What he wasn’t expecting was for her to throw herself into his lap. He immediately wrapped his arms around her.
“Tighter.”
He tightened his hold. This was . . . surprising. From what he’d been told and seen, she didn’t enjoy being touched. But he wasn’t questioning it. She turned in his lap so she was straddling him and then wrapped her arms around his neck as she pushed herself into him.
He kept his arms around her back, just holding her until he felt her body relax, her breathing ease.
“You all right, baby?”
“Why are you calling me that?”
“I don’t know if I’m honest. It just feels right.”
“So you don’t go around calling a lot of women, baby?” she asked.
“No. You’re the only one.”
“And you aren’t calling me that because I . . . because you sensed that I am . . .”
“Ahh, you think I sensed you were a Little before last night?” he asked.
“I don’t know that I am. I can’t remember anything I do when I wake up like that in the night.”
“So you haven’t ever slipped into Little headspace any other time?” he asked.
He was surprised by how open she was being with him. Although she did sound completely exhausted. Her words were almost slurring together, as though she’d been on a bender.
He guessed her barriers were down. And he probably shouldn’t be questioning her. But he needed some help to understand this complicated woman.
“I don’t think so. It’s not that easy for me to relax. I mean, I can relax when I’m reading. But that’s it. I do like to relax in here with my blanket, Lady, and sometimes I . . .”
“Sometimes you what?”
“I’m not sure I should tell you all of this.”
“Cone of silence,” he said.
“W-what?” she asked, sounding confused.
“Not a Get Smart fan, huh?” he asked.
“Is that a popular culture reference?”
“Wait. You’ve never heard of Get Smart ?”
“Um, no. I don’t watch a lot of television. I’m sorry.”
“It’s nothing you need to apologize for,” he replied firmly. He hated how she seemed to automatically assume that she’d done something wrong. That she had to apologize. “Just like you didn’t have to apologize before. In Get Smart , they have a cone of silence. It’s about this inept secret agent. Anyway, the cone comes down to stop their conversations from being heard.”
“Oh. Right.”
“I’ll have to figure out how to get some episodes of the show so you can watch it with me. What I’m trying to say is that we can treat this closet like a cone of silence. Whatever you say to me in here stays between the two of us.”
“I like that idea.”
So did he.
Ethan knew that he shouldn’t be holding her like this.
And yet there was no way he could tear himself away.
You’ve made a mess out of all of this. Explain it to her.
“What just happened, baby? Can you tell me?” he asked.
“I was upset.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s awful not knowing what happened. I wake up and I have no idea that anything has gone on. Sometimes, I come back into myself directly after and Rhodes tells me what has happened. Other times, I wake up and then I learn that I had a night terror. I stopped . . . I stopped doing this for ages, but then there was the break-in. I’m not sure why I had a night terror last night. Or why I regress afterward.”
“Maybe you regress because you feel safer in that headspace. Perhaps because it was a good time in your life.”
“Back before my parents died,” she whispered. “My therapist thought that too. She thought . . .”
“She thought what?” he prompted.
“Nothing.”
Ethan wanted to push her. But he knew that he risked her pulling back, so he held his tongue.
“I understand why you’re upset. Not remembering must be awful. But there is nothing for you to worry about. All you did was scream. Rhodes said you have night terrors. And when you woke up, you wanted Lady and ice cream. I helped you get ice cream, maybe lectured you a bit on not eating dinner, and then you went back to bed to eat your ice cream while we waited for Rhodes. The only thing that’s possibly slightly inappropriate is that I was only wearing boxers.”
“Oh. You were wearing just boxers?”
Was that a slight note of wistfulness in her voice? Or was he imagining that?
“Yeah.” Shit. If he was going to be fully honest. “The fact that I was half-undressed spurred you on to try to remove your clothes.”
She tensed again. Fuck. Shit.
“But you didn’t!” he said quickly. “You didn’t take anything off. I didn’t see anything.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “That’s mortifying. I wouldn’t normally do that.”
“Sweetheart, I know that.” Part of him kind of wished she would . . . No! What was he thinking?
He would never risk someone else seeing her like that.
And they didn’t have that sort of relationship, so it wasn’t right for him to see her like that either.
At least, not yet.
“I feel so embarrassed and so . . . so stupid.”
“Hey, stop. You do not speak about yourself that way, understand me?” He drew her back so he could stare down at her. “I won’t accept you calling yourself stupid.”
“But I am.”
“Cate, you are a smart, educated, gorgeous woman. Not stupid.”
Her hand rose to her wrist.
“None of that,” he said warningly, taking hold of her hand. Was she trying to flick herself with her hair tie again?
Was that something she did regularly?
That didn’t sit well with him, and he’d have to keep an extra eye on her.
She’s not your sub.
But she was still his charge. And she had a fragility to her that called to him. An inner strength that intrigued him.
It was hard to explain—like the woman herself.
Complicated.
“If it happens again while I’m here are you all right with me taking care of you?” he asked.
She was silent for a long time.
“Would you rather I walk away? Was there anything you don’t want me to do?”
“I don’t want you to walk away,” she finally said. “But why would you want . . .”
Ahh. He understood now.
“I told you that I like taking care of people. But especially Littles. It fulfils something inside me. It’s hard to describe, but it’s like there is this bottomless pit in my stomach that only ever feels full when I’m taking care of someone else.”
“So you go to a club and take care of Littles and that helps? But you can’t do that here, so you’d like to take care of me?”
“I want to take care of you because I like you, Cate.”
She stiffened.
“As a friend. I still want us to be friends,” he added quickly.
“Oh. I’m not . . . it wouldn’t be a problem to look after me?”
“I would never consider you a problem, Cate,” he said fiercely.
“Then I guess it would work.”
“And you would have a safeword, of course,” he said hastily.
She gave him a shocked look. “But I wouldn’t want you to . . . to undress me or . . . or . . . to touch me . . . ”
“I wouldn’t,” he said quickly. “I would be as hands off as possible. I would only touch you if necessary for your health and safety. I would take care of you like Rhodes does. Make sure you have what you need and don’t do anything dangerous.”
“That sounds acceptable. If Rhodes isn’t here. In an emergency.”
He breathed out a sigh of relief, because if she’d said she wanted him to walk away he didn’t think he would be able to.
“I’m not sure I’d remember to use a safeword, but I suppose having one makes sense.”
“What would you like it to be?” he asked.
“I think I will go with Red. It will be easier for me to remember and say.”
“Perfect.”
“What happens now?” she asked. “I don’t know the proper protocol for getting upset, then pulling a man into your closet so he can hold you.”
“Hmm. You know, I’m not sure of the proper protocol for that myself. But I feel like it might involve a cocktail by the pool.”
“I don’t drink,” she said.
“And while I’m working, I don’t either. Plus, it’s only one in the afternoon. Would you accept orange juice in a glass with an umbrella?”
“Could I also have a maraschino cherry?” she asked.
“Play your cards right, and I’ll give you two.”
“We’re going to play cards?”
“We can if you want.” He had to smile. “But I meant that if you’re a good girl, you get two.”
“Oh. How do I be a good girl?”
“Just by being yourself.”
She snorted. “Oh dear. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make that noise. It’s just whenever I was ‘myself’ my aunt would tell me I was an awful, rude child.”
“Fuck that bitch.”
Cate leaned back and looked up at him. “Ethan!”
“Yes?”
She was quiet for a moment. “You know what? You’re right. Fuck that bitch.”
Hearing her swear like that had him full-on smiling.
“Am I being cute again?”
So cute that he wanted to kiss her. Something else he shouldn’t do. So he settled for tapping the tip of her nose. “So damn cute.”