Chapter 38
38
T his wasn’t working.
What was wrong with her? The more she tried . . . the more tense she grew.
And the more she hated herself for being so defective.
Ethan was trying so hard too. He’d managed to scrounge up some highlighters and a few colored pens. With some blank pages of paper, he’d drawn her some pictures to color.
But she’d only managed a few minutes before she’d been too self-conscious to continue on. It just . . . it wasn’t working for her.
Then he’d set her up a water station outside with bowls and water and soap. But she’d just ended up with cold hands and wet clothes, and she’d had to go change.
He’d decided to put on a cartoon. But she’d stared at the cartoon in confusion, not really understanding the point.
This was silly. When he came back from the bathroom, she was going to tell him there was no point.
She couldn’t do this.
Tears filled her eyes and she blinked them back. It wasn’t Ethan’s fault.
Ethan was perfect.
Maybe it was because she was out of her routine. Perhaps she was completely out of her comfort zone?
Or was it just her?
Frustration flooded her. Why couldn’t she get this right?
Picking up a cushion, she threw it at the floor. Okay, that actually felt quite good. Picking up another one, she threw it down too.
More. Why this felt so good, she wasn’t sure, but she ended up throwing all of the cushions off the sofa onto the floor. Then she tried to move the big sofa cushions that she’d been sitting on. But they were heavy, and she grunted in frustration.
“What are you doing? You’re going to hurt yourself. Cate, stop!” Ethan commanded.
But she wasn’t stopping.
To her shock, he picked her up around the waist and moved her back a few steps.
“Nooo!”
“Cate! What is going on?” he asked.
She kicked out with her feet, accidentally getting him in the leg as she tugged at his hands. “Daddy, let me go!”
Shock filled her and she nearly pushed her Little back. But Ethan set her on her feet, turning her toward him.
“Little girl, were you having a tantrum?”
It was building again . . . the frustration. The self-loathing.
Stop this.
It’s embarrassing. He doesn’t want to see you like this.
“I . . . I apologize.”
“Uh-uh. You’re not retreating from me now.”
There was a look on his face . . . he seemed determined?
“Catie-pie, if you wanted to build a fort, you should have asked Daddy. You aren’t allowed to move big things on your own,” he told her in a scolding voice.
“I wasn’t building a fort.” Although that sounded like a good idea. “I was frustrated.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you were throwing a tantrum?”
Uh-oh. He’d just given her an out. And she’d ignored it. Unbidden, her hands moved behind to protect her bottom.
She wasn’t sure why, but she had this feeling that he was close to spanking her.
But that was just silly, right?
He wouldn’t really spank her, would he?
“Little girls sometimes throw tantrums,” he allowed. “But that usually results in them spending time in the corner or over their Daddy’s knee.”
“Um, I . . . maybe it wasn’t a tantrum.” She took a step back as he moved toward her.
But she wasn’t scared, exactly.
Just . . . wary. And perhaps even slightly excited. Which was odd. She wasn’t sure why she’d be excited about a spanking.
Maybe it was because she finally felt like she could let go. All of her adult worries and fears were drifting away.
“I don’t wants to spend time in the corner.”
“Hmm, well, luckily, I don’t think that corner time is a good punishment for you, Catie-pie.”
Whew. She let out a sigh of relief.
“You don’t need more time to think. That’s the problem, isn’t it? You need Daddy to ensure that you don’t overthink. That you don’t let that big brain of yours tell you all the ways this won’t work or it’s wrong or that you should be embarrassed.”
Holy. Heck.
He was good.
“So if corner time is out, that just leaves the spanking.”
“No, Daddy!” she cried as he backed her into a wall.
He didn’t touch her or reach for her, though. He simply stood there and held out his hand to her.
Did he seriously expect her to take it?
“Come here.”
“But I don’t wants a spanking.”
Wow. That was a very young voice. Where did that come from?
“You’re thinking again. Have to keep a close eye on you.” To her shock, he lifted her up at the same time as he bent, putting her over his shoulder.
She screamed and held onto his T-shirt for dear life. “Daddy, put me down!”
Smack!
Pain flared in her bottom.
“Stay still.”
Why? In case he dropped her? Was he going to drop her?
Wait. This was Ethan. He would never, ever put her at risk.
Although it turned out that he wouldn’t hesitate to slap her ass.
Smack!
Ouchie! That stung.
Then he moved her so she was right side up before he sat. With her sitting on his lap.
Whew.
“You spanked me,” she grumbled, trying to reach back to rub her ass cheek.
To her shock, he grinned.
Was he laughing about spanking her? That didn’t seem very nice.
“Why’re you laughing, Daddy? That’s not nice. You’re being mean to Catie-pie.”
Whoa. Had she just called herself Catie-pie?
“I wasn’t mean to Catie-pie.” He tightened his hold on her as she tried to climb off his lap. “But that wasn’t even close to a spanking. You’ll discover the difference soon.”
“I will? How? Ohhh.” She stared up at him, wide-eyed.
“Exactly.”
“But I don’t wants a spanking.”
“I think that someone still believes that they are in charge.” He tapped her nose.
“Is it me? Am I in charge? I think I am.”
“It’s not you. It’s me. And you need to fully believe that before you can completely let go.”
“And you think a spanking is going to do that? That doesn’t sound very reasonable. You shouldn’t spank someone for no reason.”
“Um, excuse me? Look at this mess.”
She glanced around. Oh. Yeah.
“Did you make this mess?” he asked.
“I’ll tidy it up.”
“You will,” he said firmly. “Although you won’t move the heavy stuff. And maybe that would be enough if you hadn’t been throwing the cushions around while having a tantrum.”
“I don’t have tantrums.”
He just stared down at her.
Had she been having a tantrum? Oops.
“And worst of all, I found you trying to move cushions that weigh too much for you.”
“They don’t weigh too much for me!” she protested. Although this sofa was ridiculously huge and heavy. And the bottom cushions were enormous.
Still, he was exaggerating.
Being way too overprotective. Which was actually kind of sweet in a way.
“You picked me up over your shoulder! You could have dropped me.”
He cupped her chin. “Do you believe I would ever risk you? Would ever drop you?”
Her breath caught at the look in his eyes. He seemed so . . . fierce.
“I . . . I know you’d never drop me. I’m sorry.”
“And I’m sorry if I gave you a fright.”
“Are you sorry for slapping my ass?” she asked.
“Nope. I will never apologize for doing what I think is right for you. And that smack on the ass got you to stay still. Which kept you safe.”
Dear. Lord.
“Now, you’re going to get your butt smacked for throwing a tantrum and for putting yourself at risk.”
“Putting myself at risk really seems like a stretch,” she muttered.
“And because I think this might help clear your head.”
Really?
“What is your safeword?”
“Do you not remember it? We really need to get you some fish oil to help with your memory loss.”
“I remember it. I just want you to say it so you remember it.”
“I have a very good memory I don’t need fish oil.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Cate. Do as you were told.”
“Red,” she said quickly.
“You’ll say it if you need to. Promise me.”
“I promise.” He sure did like to repeat things.
“I promise, Daddy,” he said firmly. “Repeat what I just said.”
“I promise, Daddy,” she told him.
Suddenly, he shifted her so she was lying over his lap, her legs on the sofa while her torso was on his wide thighs.
Holy. Heck.
This was really happening, wasn’t it?
His hands went to the waistband of her pants and he started tugging them down.
“We need to get you some onesies with drop seats. That way, Daddy doesn’t have to pull off your clothes to get to your bottom. He can spank you or put you on the toilet and ensure you’re snuggly and warm.”
She wasn’t sure that sounded like a good idea. He might be tempted to spank her more often.
Then she realized that her bottom was bare. And he wasn’t doing anything.
“Are you staring at my butt?” she asked.
“Are you staring at my butt, Daddy ?”
“Why do you keep repeating my words?” she asked.
“Because I want you to remember that you’re with Daddy. I think I need to keep reminding you.”
Um. Okay.
“And to answer your question, yes, I am staring at your cute butt.”
It was cute? Really?
Huh.
“I really am cute in all ways, huh?” she said.
“Definitely cute in all ways,” he agreed.
His hand touched her ass and she jumped. But he simply rubbed it until she relaxed. That was actually quite nice. Who knew she liked having her bottom touched?
“My girl likes this, doesn’t she? She enjoys having her bottom massaged.”
Hmm. She thought she did.
“Too bad we have to take care of a punishment, right now.”
What?
Slap!
Oh. Yeah.
Ouch!
The smacks started. Steady and slow to begin with. But then they increased in intensity.
“Again, this spanking is for breaking the safety rule. For throwing a small tantrum. And because I think it might help you.”
She didn’t understand that last part.
All this spanking was going to do was make it difficult for her to sit comfortably.
Kicking her feet, she tried to escape him, but he simply secured her tighter on his lap as his hand landed over and over again. He even spanked the top of her thighs.
That seemed to push her over that edge. Her control was shot to hell and she let out a sob.
Tears dripped down her face.
Another sob escaped, and he smacked her again and again until she was full-on crying. She simply lay over his lap and sobbed.
“That’s it, baby. Let it all out for Daddy. It’s okay. Daddy has you.”
He rubbed her back as he spoke. Then he fixed her panties and pants before picking her up and settling her so she straddled his lap.
She slumped against him, her face resting on his chest. Ethan ran his hand up and down her back as he spoke to her.
“Such a good girl. You did so well. Daddy is so proud of you. I know that my girl is the best girl in the world. So sweet. So lovely. My gorgeous girl. Good girl.”
The words didn’t always make much sense and he kept repeating himself. She hated to think how often he called her a good girl.
And yet those words settled in her stomach, in her heart, even in her head.
They slowly started to heal old pain and hurt.
Not fully.
But it was a beginning.
This was similar to when she’d been sucking him off. It felt like the rest of the world faded away. She felt like she could breathe without a heavy weight on her chest trying to hold her down.
It was freeing.
She reached up with her thumb and placed it in her mouth.
“My baby. You’ve been through so much. It’s time to let someone else take all of these worries you have and watch over you.”
That sounded amazing.
She yawned.
“Someone needs a nap.” He stood up with her in his arms.
Cate let out a disgruntled noise, clinging to him. She didn’t want to move. She was so comfy right where she was.
“You don’t have to move. I’m just going to get your blanket and pacifier.”
He walked into the bedroom and managed to grab what he wanted without letting her go.
Then he returned to the sofa and settled with her on his lap once more. The blanket over her.
And her pacifier in her mouth.
As he held her tight, she drifted off to sleep.
Fuck.
Had anything ever felt so right? Ethan settled back onto the sofa even though all of the cushions were on the floor.
He couldn’t believe that she’d done that. It was so unlike Cate. Well, adult Cate.
Not that he cared that she’d done it. He wasn’t worried about dealing with a tantrum. All he wanted was for her to be safe. So he drew the line at her trying to lift things that were far too heavy.
He couldn’t believe that he’d spanked her. And now she was lying on him, asleep.
Her trust in him was growing.
Reaching for the TV remote, he turned the TV on but kept it down low. His phone buzzed on the coffee table and he grabbed that too.
There were messages from Ink, Seth, and Rhodes. He answered them all while keeping one arm around his girl.
He wasn’t letting her go for anything.
Ever.