Chapter 48
48
W as she in love with him? What did love feel like? Was it this heat in your body and giddy happiness whenever you saw the other person?
Was it knowing that your life wouldn’t be the same without them in it?
Abject fear over losing them?
“Cate? Are you okay, baby?”
“Yes,” she said. “I’m just . . . this was a lot.”
Her breath came in sharper pants.
This was too much.
A liability.
She was ruining Rhodes’ relationships, his career. And now she didn’t know how she could live without Ethan.
Because she might love him. She wished there was some way to quantify love. A checklist to be fulfilled.
But she knew that wasn’t the case.
Rhodes’ phone rang. “Fuck. I need to take this. It’s my publicist.” He stepped out the glass double doors just as she heard the front door open and someone call out for Seth, then Ethan.
“That’s Butch.” Ethan looked torn. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I’m fine.” She gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile.
“You just had a panic attack. You are not fine.”
“I am. And I have to go to the bathroom, anyway.”
The bathroom . . . her closet to hide. The same thing, right?
She wanted to flick her hair tie against her wrist, but Ethan had made her remove it. So she pressed her fingers around her wrist right where Samantha had grabbed her, squeezing tight. She relished the bite of pain.
“Stay right here and I’ll take you in a minute,” Ethan said firmly. “This will only take a second.”
As soon as he was out of sight, she jumped to her feet and raced for the hallway.
In the back of her mind, she knew she was going to be in trouble. But she just needed a moment to calm her mind. And for that to happen, she had to be in her safe place.
Running into the closet, she sat and tried to calm herself. But it wasn’t working.
Her fault Samantha and Rhodes broke up.
Her fault that Rhodes was angry at Kevin, who was good for his career even if he was a bit of a jerk.
Her fault she’d fallen in love with a man that she couldn’t have long-term.
You know what you need.
If only she could find one.
Cate searched through her drawers for a spare hair tie.
There!
Putting it around her wrist, she flicked it. But the thoughts kept coming.
She couldn’t keep them out.
What was she going to do?
Ethan wasn’t going to be happy with her. Neither would Rhodes.
But she was a grown woman. If she wanted to punish herself for being an idiot, she would.
What else would work, though?
You could cut yourself.
No, no. She didn’t like blood.
You could pinch yourself.
Oh, she liked that idea. She sharply pinched her forearm.
Yep. That worked better.
“Where’s Cate?” Rhodes asked as Ethan walked into the living room.
Fuck.
He’d told her to wait for him. Maybe she’d been busting. What was he thinking? He should have taken her to the toilet before going to talk to Butch.
But he’d been gone three or four minutes at the most.
“She was supposed to be right here.” Ethan turned toward her bedroom. “I’m just going to go find her.”
“Fuck! You left her? You can’t leave her like that. I’ll go find her!”
Ethan turned to him. “I thought we’d settled this. You know I’m not going to hurt her. I care about her. I want to look after her.”
Rhodes sighed and looked away, but Ethan knew he was listening.
“I know you want to take care of her. I get it. I want to do the same. But Cate has her own mind. Her own feelings. She can make her own decisions.”
“I know that,” Rhodes said. “I’m just trying to stop her from getting hurt.”
“We have more in common than you know, since I want that too.”
“Fuck. Fine. But I’m coming as well. I have to make sure she’s all right.” Was that fear on Rhodes’ face? Why would he be scared?
Not for the first time, Ethan wondered if there was something he was missing. He understood Rhodes being protective, but he often seemed over-the-top.
And this was coming from Ethan.
Ethan followed Rhodes to Cate’s bedroom. He knocked twice, then walked in.
Ethan frowned. They needed a lock on the door if that’s all the warning Rhodes gave before walking into her bedroom.
Rhodes strode to her closet, which wasn’t a surprise. Then he knocked again. This time, though, he didn’t just barge in.
“Cate? It’s me. Can I talk to you? Cate?”
“I’m reading,” she called back in a fragile-sounding voice.
“Cate,” Ethan said. “Let us in, please. Or come out here so we can see you.”
“I need to see you, Cate,” Rhodes added. “Protocol.”
Protocol?
What did that mean?
There was definitely something going on here that he didn’t know about. Which didn’t make him happy. He needed to know everything about Cate.
But then the door opened, and Cate was staring out at them, her face was white and her eyes were wide.
His poor baby. This had all been a lot for her. Ethan wanted to gather her up into his arms and hold her tight.
“Baby, why did you leave? You know I wanted you to stay on the sofa,” Ethan said as she walked out of the closet.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Something was going on inside that big brain of hers. He guessed that was understandable with everything that had happened.
But he didn’t like that she’d run away from him instead of coming to him.
“Cate, tell us what’s going on,” Rhodes pressed.
“I don’t want to.”
“Shit,” Rhodes muttered. “Am I pushing you too much? Ethan thinks I’m too overprotective and that I’m too scared of you getting hurt that I smother you.”
“I didn’t say it exactly like that,” Ethan said dryly.
“Do I?” Rhodes asked gently. “Do you want me to back off?”
“I love you. You’ve always taken care of me. I don’t want you to go anywhere.” Moving to him, she hugged him tight before pulling away. “I love you. You’re the best brother I could ever ask for. But I don’t want to be a liability.”
Fuck.
He knew she would take what Kevin said to heart. And that was on top of Rhodes kicking Samantha out.
Yeah, his girl took too much on her shoulders. Took the blame that people heaped on her when she wasn’t at fault.
“You are not a liability,” Rhodes told her fiercely. “Fuck Kevin. He was being a complete asshole. You know all he cares about is money. He doesn’t understand family or loyalty or love because he’s never had it.”
“It’s just that sometimes I worry I’m holding you back. I know you said that you don’t want to risk loving and losing someone. But is that all of it? I don’t want to be the reason that I never have nephews or nieces.” She managed to smile at him. “We both know I won’t have kids, so my hopes all rest on you.”
Rhodes made a scoffing noise.
“You don’t want children?” Ethan asked.
She stared over at him. “Does that make me less attractive to you?”
Ethan’s eyes widened. “No. Why would it?”
“Well, biologically, men are driven to mate in order to procreate?—”
“You know what. I don’t think we need to speak about procreation,” Rhodes interrupted her.
Ethan had to resist smirking at the other man’s discomfort.
“Just so you know, nothing could make you less attractive to me,” Ethan told her firmly.
Her mouth opened. “I, um, it’s not that I don’t want children, I’m just not sure I have the emotional capacity to give a child what they need. Plus, children are known to make loud noises and to be very needy. What if I got involved in something and forgot about them? No, it just wouldn’t work.”
“Hey, no one says you have to have children,” he soothed, seeing how upset she was getting. “And it doesn’t have to be decided right now.”
“All right. I suppose. I don’t think I will change my mind. If that means you no longer wish to be with me, I understand.”
Ethan studied her. What was going on? She was pushing him away. She hadn’t spoken to him in that cold, emotionless voice for a long time.
Was it the talk about children? Or did it go deeper than that?
“Cate, I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened with Samantha or Kevin, understand me?” Rhodes said. “Everything they said or did is on them. Not you.”
“I guess so.”
“I know so,” Rhodes replied.
He ran his gaze over her, wondering what was going on with her. His eyes snagged on her wrist. Was that a hair tie? Fuck. She’d agreed not to do that anymore.
Things were worse than he’d thought.
“Cate?” Ethan asked.
“Yes?”
“You said you wouldn’t use the hair tie anymore.”
He heard her suck in a breath.
“What does that mean? The hair tie?” Rhodes asked.
“Nothing,” Cate said quickly, hiding her wrists behind her back.
Rhodes frowned. “It’s obviously something. Tell me.”
“I . . . I . . .”
Fuck this.
Ethan turned on Rhodes. “Stop that. You’re upsetting her.”
However, there was something more than concern in Rhodes’ face. What was wrong?
“Show me your wrists, Cate,” Rhodes said firmly.
Cate really didn’t want to do that.
She didn’t want Rhodes to find out what she’d been doing. She couldn’t stand the idea that he might be upset with her. She’d already caused enough problems.
“Cate,” Rhodes pressed.
“What’s going on here?” Ethan asked, staring from him to Cate. “Why are you so concerned about her wrists? Because of the hair tie?”
“What is the hair tie?” Rhodes gritted out.
With a sigh, knowing she couldn’t keep refusing, she drew her hands out from behind her back.
Rhodes took hold of her hands, examining her wrists. “This hair tie? What’s wrong with it?” He fingered it.
Cate didn’t want to tell him. Why did Ethan have to mention it? She shot him a warning look, but he folded his arms over his chest, looking stern.
“I have a feeling that there’s something more going on here and I’m not keeping quiet if it has to do with your welfare and safety.”
Darn it.
Why? Why did she have to have such a protective brother and . . . and boyfriend? Was that what Ethan was? She guessed so.
But he seemed much more than that. He was her . . . everything.
That seemed silly to think, but she couldn’t think of a better way to explain it.
“I . . . sometimes I use the hair tie to flick it against my wrist. It helps. It’s like a reset for my brain. To get the thoughts out of my head.”
“It’s a way to punish yourself,” Rhodes stated.
It sounded bad when he said it like that.
“Cate, please tell me that this isn’t like when you?—”
“Can we not talk about that,” she interrupted Rhodes urgently.
Rhodes looked from Ethan to her. “Fuck. I know that I haven’t been that welcoming of your relationship with Ethan. I know that I’m overprotective. But all I want is to keep you safe.”
“I know you do.”
“I don’t like the idea of my sister dating anyone. But that’s me being selfish. Because I like having you all to myself.”
“You do? Even though I cause a lot of problems?” Cate asked.
Rhodes frowned at her. “I’ve already told you. What Kevin and Samantha have said and done is your problem. Not yours. And I won’t have you taking their issues on.”
It might take her awhile to believe that. But she guessed she should try. Since Rhodes seemed so certain.
“However, if you’re going to have someone in your life, you could do worse than Ethan. Ink certainly thinks a lot of him and he seems very protective of you. Plus, he’ll look after your Little. Give you what you need. But, honey, part of being in a healthy relationship is communication and honesty. I know my relationship with Samantha wasn’t healthy. We didn’t have that. And I don’t want that for you.”
“I have to tell him?”
“Yes.”
Her gaze went to Ethan. She knew he had to be dying of curiosity, but he remained quiet. “You’re right. But I want to be the one to do it.”
“That’s fair. You’ll promise to tell him all of it? Unless you don’t trust him to help and support you.”
“I trust Ethan.” Although whether he’d still feel the same way about her, she didn’t know.
She couldn’t always figure out how people would react. So she was feeling uncertain.
Whatever happened, she’d take it. If he wanted nothing to do with her after learning this, well, she guessed it was better to learn that now.
Rhodes gazed down at her wrists, he ran his finger over the hair tie. When he looked up, there was something in his face. Sadness?
“I don’t want you to be sad.”
“I won’t be sad if you’re not. As long as you’re happy and healthy. But, Cate, about this hair tie thing . . . ”
“It’s not the same,” she said fiercely. “The pain clears my head.”
“So it’s not to punish yourself for something you believe you did wrong?” Rhodes asked.
She glanced away. Perhaps it was that too.
Reaching out, Rhodes tapped her nose. “Tell me.”
“Maybe that as well. I just . . . I know I make mistakes and say the wrong thing?—”
“That does not mean you get to hurt yourself,” Rhodes told her firmly.
“It’s just a small pain.”
“I don’t care.” Rhodes then pulled her sleeve back farther to show the red piece of skin where she’d pinched herself. “What’s this?”
“I pinched myself.”
Rhodes closed his eyes. She hated disappointing him.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no.” He opened his eyes, staring down at her intently. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Do you need to talk about it? About how you felt?”
“No.”
Rhodes eyed her for a long moment and she wondered if he was going to push her.
“All right,” he said, backing down, to her relief. “But I think we should call Dr. Miller. All right?”
She guessed that might be for the best. “I’ll call her later.”
“Can I have a hug?” Rhodes opened his arms and she stepped into his embrace, letting him surround her with his love.
“I love you, baby sister.”
“I love you too, big brother,” she replied.
“Let me know if you need me. I’m going to go talk to my publicist. I’ll be in my office.”
He left the room and she turned to Ethan, who had been surprisingly quiet throughout all of that.
However, she had a feeling that was about to change.