Chapter 41 Answers - Avery
“Don’t worry, we won’t be far. We’ll be hiding out in the booth in the corner just in case Jax has another … moment.” Peyton pointed to a table in the dark corner; the same one that Spencer and I sat in the night we met.
My heart pinched at the thought of where it had all begun between us.
“And we will be ready to kick his ass if needed.” Andi stood tall with a puff in her chest, showing how fierce and loyal she was.
My friends would go to hell and back for me. No questions asked. Since the moment I met them, this was how it had always been between the three of us.
You need to bury a body? I’ll buy the shovel.
The guy you spent most of your life with dumped you? Let me at him.
Your ex-boyfriend wants to meet up to talk to you? We have this place surrounded.
When Jax texted me this morning, asking to meet up, my first instinct had been to ignore him, block his number, and throw my phone across the living room. Peyton then reminded me, “You can’t ignore your problems forever.”
So, after talking it out with my girls, I caved and texted him back.
I figured I’d hear him out. Because maybe if I was able to get some things off my chest, and get more answers from him, then I’d finally be able to talk to Spencer.
And the end goal had always been to be with Spencer.
I just needed to figure out how to make all of this a little less messy.
I told Jax to meet me at Bluff City. Not only were Andi and Peyton with me, but Colton was working the evening shift, giving me extra back up.
Even though I hadn’t clued Colton in on what was going on, I knew he’d still have my back, just like my girls.
No questions asked. He’d get all the dirty details when it was a little less fresh.
“You got this, babe.” Andi squeezed my hand, shaking me out of my funk.
“Stand your ground. Don’t let that fool of a man walk all over you. You’re in control,” Peyton reminded me before kissing me on the cheek and heading for the dim corner.
Before making my way to a table that was just a few booths over, I stopped by the bar to order a drink, hopeful that it would help shake off the nerves.
Colton smiled when he saw me coming, and with an espresso martini already prepared, he said, “Peyton texted me earlier. Gave me a heads up that you three would be here. Sounds like you’ll need a drink,” he slid the cocktail across the bar, “and this one’s on me.” He winked.
“Thanks, Colton. Mind keeping an eye on my table when you’re not busy?” My voice came out in a low whisper as my eyes shifted around the bar.
“Anything for you, babe.” He nodded.
With a slight smile, I walked over to the booth, doing my best to pretend I wasn’t distraught on the inside.
I only had a couple sips of my drink before Jax walked through the heavy wooden doors. Now that I knew he was Spencer’s son, I couldn’t unsee the resemblance.
Both of them stood over six feet tall and had the same strong jaw line.
Dark hair and eyes to match. Except, I didn’t get lost in Jax’s eyes like I did with Spencer’s.
His were dull and lifeless, while Spencer’s were intense.
He had this uncanny ability to draw me in with just a simple look.
The darkness in his eyes pulled me in so deep that I never wanted to look away.
In all of the years I spent with Jax, I never had a feeling even close to that.
“Hi, Avery,” Jax greeted me with his hands buried in his pockets.
I didn’t know what to expect when he got here. The last time I saw him, he had the type of grip around my arm that had me looking over my shoulder everywhere I went since. The last thing I expected was a shy and timid greeting.
“Hi.” Was all I could muster up.
“Mind if I sit?”
“Um. No. Let’s just get this over with and talk about whatever you want to talk about.” My hands rubbed along the top of my jeans, drying my sweaty palms.
After how long we were together, it shouldn’t feel so foreign to be in the same space as him. But it did. Nothing about it felt right, and inside, the nagging thought that this would have to feel normal at some point if I wanted to be with Spencer, wouldn’t go away.
Jax slid into the booth, and the fact that he wasn’t drinking didn’t go unnoticed. I guess he wanted to go into this conversation with a clear mind, and that was something I could appreciate.
“I guess, I should start by saying, once again, I’m really sorry.
I know words are shit without action, but it doesn’t feel right not to apologize.
I’ve spent every waking moment thinking about everything lately, and I should have said sorry a long time ago.
The things I texted you were horrible. Confronting you the way I did in the casino last month was awful.
And of course, the way everything went down with the video wasn’t right of me whatsoever. ”
I swallowed thickly, unsure of what to say, because of course he should be sorry. I didn’t want to say it was okay when it wasn’t. And he was right; his words meant nothing. But how could he ever show me that he was truly apologetic?
“Thank you,” I settled on.
“I … Uh, I talked to my mom.” He scratched the back of his head.
It didn’t occur to me until that night at Spencer’s penthouse that Jax had such a big issue with his mom.
Growing up, I was so involved with my own chaotic parents—the drugs, their passing—that it never even appeared as if Jax had any issues with his own family.
To me, they appeared perfect when comparing them with my own upbringing.
“How did that go?”
“Informative, to say the least.”
“Is that what you wanted to talk about?” I took a sip of my martini, simply because I needed something to do with my hands.
“Actually, it is. I’m just trying to figure out where to start.”
“I guess, just start with the part that has to do with me. Or why you’re here.”
“You don’t understand, Avery. It all has to do with you.”
His shoulders dropped in defeat.
“How does your relationship with your mom have anything to do with me?” My eyebrows dipped.
“Well, for starters, after I spent hours—days—this last week or so, begging my mom for more information, she finally caved. Apparently, even in your mother’s lowest moments, she still thought to have a backup plan for you.”
My head snapped up at the mention of my mother.
What did she have to do with anything?
“Wait. Wait a minute. What do you mean? What does my mom have to do with any of this?”
“Even though most of your memories of her were the times she spent high, it sounds like she came through before she passed. She wrote a will and left guardianship of you to my mom. Her last wish was that you’d be taken care of.”
“Jax, this isn’t a funny thing to lie about. I’ve grieved the loss of my parents, and I don’t need you bringing up my mom like you have the fucking right.” My voice was stern, and even though I didn’t yell, my friends had their eyes on our table, ready to pounce.
“Avery, I’m not lying. I know I haven’t been honest, and you have no reason to trust me, but that’s exactly why I have this.”
He slid his phone across the table with a photo of a piece of paper with some writing on it. Without zooming in, the only thing legible enough to read was in bold lettering.
LETTER OF LAST WISHES:
Zooming in, I began to read what I assumed was the only thing left of my mother.
My dearest Avery,
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Life wasn’t supposed to fall apart in the way that it has.
Your dad would be so disappointed in me.
But life wasn’t bearable without him in it.
I couldn’t do it on my own, especially after he let the drugs take him.
If you’re reading this, it means I likely took my own life or did so by choosing the same path your father did.
Each day that passes, it’s harder to get out of bed knowing I’ll have to see you—the spitting image of your father.
It’s impossible to look at your bright blue eyes and not see the man who I never wanted to live this life without.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t the mother I should have been.
I’m sorry I’ve had to make the decision to leave you parentless.
I’m sorry for all the things that haven’t happened yet as I’m writing this, but I know you’ll deserve an apology for one day.
You are meant for greatness, Avery. Even without me or your father, I’m doing the best thing I can for you.
And that’s to leave you in the custody of Sandra Connors.
She’s always been such a great friend and neighbor.
She loves her son in the way I wish I could love you.
At the end of the day, I couldn’t be here to take care of you, but I wanted to make sure someone else was.
Even at my worst, I’m trying my best and I hope one day you can see that.
-Mom
My eyes filled with tears, the words on the paper all starting to blur together.
“What … W-Why did I never see this until now?” I asked through sobs.
Andi noticed me in distress and stood from her table, only for me to shake my head, reassuring her that I was okay without her help for now.
I needed to do this on my own.
“I asked my mom the same thing. I’d never even seen it myself until a few days ago.” Jax sighed deeply, interlocking his fingers and resting them behind his head. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment before he finished.
“Mom said that she didn’t want to put you through anymore.
You were sixteen and lost both of your parents to drugs.
She saw you go through more than most kids should, and she didn’t want to be the reason you went off the deep end when you somehow hadn’t already.
She was responsible for you, but she was also a single mom. ”
“So, what? She held all the answers hostage from me? She stole my mom’s last words and swallowed them, hoping I’d never ask questions?” My sadness turned to anger as I flipped his phone over, covering the words I now couldn’t unsee.