Chapter 41 Answers - Avery #2
“Yeah, I guess she did. She had her reasons and stuck to them. Just like she decided to never tell me about my dad—even after I’d asked her time and time again. It’s like in her own way, even if it didn’t make sense to us, she was trying to protect us.”
“Is that what led you to getting this letter from my mom? How … How the hell did this all come about?” My muscles tensed.
My mind was spinning like a goddamn tornado. Tossing and turning with every word. Each one was a riddle, and I had to solve it one piece at a time.
I know at the end of the day, Jax’s mom did what she had to do.
She chose the path that was right for her.
Never knowing about my mom’s wishes made me red in the face, but even if I didn’t want to admit it right now, I had to agree with Jax—his mom did what she thought was best for us.
I couldn’t blame her for that, and it was impossible to turn back time to change any of it.
“I confronted her. I asked her why she never told me about him. I asked her for the real reason and not all the bullshit answers she’d given me growing up.
Obviously, she had me young. Come to find out, my grandparents gave her an ultimatum.
If she kept the baby, the low-life father that knocked her up wouldn’t be involved.
She’d have to do it all on her own in order to remain living under their roof.
She took her chances and figured that my dad wouldn’t want to be much help anyway—being a sixteen-year-old boy and all.
So, she spent her life finishing school, working hard, and raising me.
She was never able to hold a relationship because she had been so career driven in order to raise me.
And then sixteen years later, after she’d gotten the hang of it all, she became responsible for you too… ”
It was all starting to make sense. His resentment for me and his mother. He may not have known all of this at the time, but he was just a teenager who noticed his mom working nonstop. He felt the absence of his mom, and because of that, he had even more questions about his dad.
I always carried the weight of his mom resenting me because she offered to care for another kid, and it took time away from her and Jax.
Because of that, the nagging feeling weighed heavier when I felt like Jax resented me too.
He didn’t want me to go away as a kid, but he never knew how hard it would be to have me around every waking moment.
For most of my life, I was too much. As hard as I tried to please those around me, blend in, and not be a burden, I always ended up being too much to handle.
My mind was playing ping pong between what I had known to be true my whole life, and Jax’s mom just doing her best.
We had only been together for a little while at the time.
And then what I thought was a kindhearted gesture from his mom, ended up being a piece of paper mapping out what my next couple years as a teenager would look like.
The last crucial years of my adolescence before I would turn eighteen and do my best to make it on my own.
And here I thought she brought me in simply because she wanted to. Not because she legally had to—or morally, for that matter.
“I told her everything, Avery.”
My watery eyes met his.
“Everything … as in?”
“I told her how bad I fucked up. I admitted everything I did to you. The money I took from you and my father. The idiotic decision to film a video and put it on the internet…” Jax rested his elbows on the table, dropping his head into his hands.
“I came clean about how mad I was at her for never being around. Hiding my dad from me because she didn’t want me to resent my grandparents for their decision.
Taking you in when she could hardly handle having me.
Then she told me everything about how you came to live with us.
When we were younger, I pleaded with my mom to let you stay with us, so you didn’t get taken away from me.
I was sixteen and not looking too far into the future.
I just knew I didn’t want you to leave. Little did we both know there was already a plan.
My mom covered it up and made it look like she was doing it to make me happy, when in reality, it was your mom’s last wish. ”
So, where the fuck did it all go wrong? I wanted to rip my hair out having to put myself back in the past. A place I mentally never wanted to go back to.
“So, you begged for me to stay with you … then what? Then you got tired of me? I became a liability?” I choked out.
“Nothing was ever wrong with you, Avery. It was me. I was the problem. I was going through my own issues, and I took them out on you. As fucked up as it is, I wanted a slice of both lives—single and free, settled down and comfortable. When we went off to college I got a small taste of freedom. Once we finally moved here, and I was free of my mom, it was almost like I needed to be free from you too. I needed an entirely new life. But…” he rubbed the temples of his forehead before finishing, “once you actually left, I realized what I had lost. I lost the only piece of home that I ever loved. I had a shitty way of dealing with my emotions. I resented you as we got older and I felt stuck. When you left, my mind went to dark places, and I handled it in all the worst possible ways. And now, I know there is nothing I can do about that. I’ve fucked up one time too many. But I want to make it right.”
He wanted to make it right? Make what right? Us?
Panic was written all over my face as I clarified, “There is nothing between us, Jax.”
“I know that. But there is something between you and my dad, that much is obvious.”
“Yeah…” I dragged the word out in shock, not expecting him to mention my relationship with his dad.
“I know it isn’t much, but I found a therapist that I think can help me, and I deleted the video from my personal files.
There’s no trace left of it on my end, and with my dad getting it taken down everywhere else, hopefully that means it’s gone for good.
I’m sorry I ever did that to you, Avery.
I never should have put you in that position just because I wanted a paycheck and some new fancy life for myself.
It was selfish as hell, and I completely understand if you never find it in your heart to forgive me. ”
Forgiving him was never something that crossed my mind. It wasn’t until I found out that he was Spencer’s son, that I ever thought about having to be around him again. Once he’d fucked me over, it was easy for me to jump to excommunicating him from my life.
Forget and not forgive.
But things were … different now.
“I … I just don’t know what to say. Or where to go from here.” I shook my head in defeat.
His apology was nice to hear, and even though I hated to say it, it did sound sincere.
“I think the only place you need to go from here is back to my dad. He loves you.”
Our eyes connected, and for a few long seconds, I felt stuck in time as I searched his dark eyes for any trace of deceit.
I’d known Jax for a very long time, and even though the last few years had been a rollercoaster, I knew when he was being honest. And in this moment, his guard had dropped, and he was trying to make it right.
He was pushing me into Spencer’s arms where I belonged; no matter how he felt about the situation.
“You’d be okay with me and your dad being together?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. Not that I needed his permission or anything. I just felt the need to gauge where his feelings were.
“It might be a little weird, if I’m being honest. But I think we can both get the life change we’ve been looking for if we allow it.
I can have my dad in my life, something I’ve always wanted, and you can truly be happy with someone who will love you back in the way you deserve. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
A life without Spencer felt like losing a piece of myself I didn’t know I had until I met him a couple of months ago.
Walking the streets of Las Vegas, the lights didn’t sparkle the same.
They dimmed without him by my side in a way that matched how dark my days had been since I walked away from him.
Not only was Vegas referred to as Sin City, but it was also known as the City of Broken Hearts. A nickname I now understood more than anything.
Even with the hell Jax put me through, he never made me feel the way I had since meeting Spencer. He made me see red through anger and rage, whereas Spencer made my skies brighter.
I cleared my throat.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” I finally answered with every bit of honesty.
“When I last talked to him, I told him I’d be returning all the money. To both of you. I want to show both of you that I’m not the person you think I am. I can be better. I will be better.”
I wouldn’t believe it until the money was in my account, but it did seem like he was trying to make a change. Even if right now it was all talk and no action, he appeared to have gone through his own struggles in the last month which led him to this realization.
He planned to pay us back. He talked with his mom and Spencer about what had been weighing on him over the years. He apologized to me, deleted the video, and we could get through a conversation maturely—unlike the last few years.
I wouldn’t go as far as calling Jax a changed man, but he was on his way to a better life if he could stay on the right path.
“Thank you. I can tell you’ve put some thought into all of this. How to make things better.”
“I have, which brings me to one last thing I need to be honest about.” Jax swallowed thickly, and I had no idea if I should be nervous, scared, or angry, because honestly, what else could he tell me at this point that would even shock me?
“What is it?” I held my breath, waiting for him to speak.
“I mentioned it to my dad after you left that day, and trust me, he chewed me out over it, but I wanted to tell you because I thought you deserved to know.”
“Okay, out with it Jax.” I tapped my fingers on the edge of the table, my patience wearing thin.
“The night of the video, the guys propositioned me to sell them the recording so we could all make a buck off the views it would get.” His eyes dipped, refusing eye contact with me as he finished.
“I was an idiot and fell for it. They paid me a few hundred bucks, and I never saw a dime after that. I was being greedy, and in the process, I hurt the people I cared about most by taking this as far as I did. I’m really fucking sorry, Avery. ”
Jax finally lifted his eyes from his lap, and I swear when they made contact with mine, they were glossed over. In all the years I’d known him, I couldn’t think of a time I’d ever really witnessed him show raw emotion.
I wasn’t shocked that new information was coming to light from that night, but to be honest, I was ready for it to all be over. I was prepared for it to be over the day I paid him the rest of the money.
“Is it shitty to hear that you were so easily convinced to hand over a private video for such a small amount? Yeah, that kind of stings. But to be frank, Jax, I just want to move on. For years now, I’ve had to deal with this weight on my shoulders, and most days it felt like that weight could kill me.
Today, there is nothing I can do about it.
It’s done and over with. But if there is any way you could possibly make all this a little bit lighter—”
“Please tell me. I’ll do anything.”
His eyes still shined with tears he was doing a hell of a job holding back, and he brought his hands up to the table, interlocking his fingers as if he was praying for me to tell him how he could begin to skim the surface and make everything one percent better.
“You said you were seeing a therapist?”
“Yeah. It’s new, but I am.”
“Good. Keep going to therapy. If there is anything you’ve left out of this whole situation, please don’t feel the need to tell me.
Tell your therapist. Get it all out in a safe space, just between the two of you.
Keep working on yourself and turn over a new leaf.
Don’t ever allow yourself to go backward, and please for the love of God, when you find someone new to be with one day, be good to her.
Communicate with her. Love her the way she deserves and never do anything like this ever again.
Please take this as a learning experience and grow from it.
And lastly, understand that you will never come across someone in your life as forgiving as I am. ”
Void of any words, Jax nodded. When he couldn’t find the right words to say, a lone tear rolled down his cheek, surrendering as if he were waving a white flag. The simple nod and emotion in his eyes were a silent promise that he would take those words and put them into action.
His hand quickly wiped away the tear, and after a few moments of silence between us, he cracked a nervous smile.
“So, what now?” He chuckled, and I couldn’t help but laugh back.
An awkward silence continued, but this time, there was a weight off my shoulders.
A lightness in the air. It would be a long time before I considered Jax a friend or an acquaintance; he still had a way to go, and I still needed to continue to heal.
But it finally felt like there was some closure between us that we hadn’t had for years.
“I think we just take some time to breathe. Heal.” I took a deep breath.
“You’re right. If you don’t mind … tell my dad when you talk to him that I’ll be giving you two some space. I’m going to keep working on me. I’ll be around when you guys are ready.”
Knowing how badly he wanted a relationship with his dad over the years, it did mean something that he was willing to put that on hold for just a while longer—for me.
Jax began to stand, stuffing his hands back in his pockets just like he had when he first arrived.
“See ya around, Avery.”
He nodded, but before he could get too far, I called out to him.
“Jax.”
His head turned, and I asked, “Mind sending me that photo of my mom’s last wishes?” I still needed time to process all of that, and to be honest, I’d blacked out reading through it the first time. It would probably take a few more times of reading it for it all to truly sink in.
“Of course.”
He turned away, and before he even reached the doors, my phone dinged with a photo of my mom’s handwriting. I hadn’t even read through it one more time, and my friends were already at my side, sliding into the booth, one on each side, sandwiching me in with a hug.
The three of us sat in silence as they waited for me to start from the beginning. And as badly as I wanted to run to Spencer’s, I needed their company the most right now.
Spencer told me he’d wait as long as I needed. Little did he know, he wouldn’t have to send me a goodnight text for the first time in a month. This time, he’d tell me goodnight as I hugged him and refused to let go ever again.