Chapter Twenty-One
Haizley
Aspen made huge strides this morning. She spent the entire hour that we would have been in session, outside with Diesel just walking around the compound.
My conversation with King surprised me. It definitely gave me something to think about. In the week I had been at the clubhouse, I’d gained two new possible clients, in addition to Aspen and Amber.
Lunch in the main room was different than it had been. Aspen seemed not happier, but lighter. Diesel helped tremendously, giving Aspen a sense of security she didn’t have yesterday. It allowed her to open up and talk with the other girls about superficial things.
Superficial conversations were important to the healing process. It meant Aspen was able to think about things other than her attack.
I listened to their conversations, adding to them when appropriate, but wanting Aspen to take the lead. The front door opened, and a very handsome man entered. He wasn’t wearing a cut, so I assumed he wasn’t part of the club. I watched with abject curiosity as he walked to the bar and spoke to the prospect standing behind it. There was always someone behind the bar.
Day or night.
The prospect lifted his chin in the direction of the table the girls and I were sitting at, and the man turned his focus on us.
More importantly on me.
As he got close, Diesel lifted his head and focused on the man. His ears flattened to his head, and he emitted a low growl, but didn’t move. The man faltered when he heard the dog and stopped in his tracks. Choosing not to get any closer.
“Miss Walker?”
“That’s me,” I answered, holding my hand up. “Haizley is fine.”
“Derek Reynolds,” he said as he shook my hand.
“Oh, Jack’s brother?”
“Yea.” The dog growled again, though he didn’t move away from Aspen.
“Um, is he friendly?” Derek asked.
“Yes and no,” was the only answer I had. “Let’s go upstairs and we can talk.”
He nodded, never taking his eyes off the dog. Walking backward, Derek didn’t turn to follow me until the dog stopped growling.
“We can talk in my room.” Derek followed me upstairs to my room. Unlocking the door, I led him inside, closing it behind us. This was not an ideal place to meet a potential patient.
“Have a seat, Derek,” I said, motioning to the bed. “I apologize for the less than professional setting. Things are a bit up in the air at the moment.” I, myself, hopped up onto the dresser. Sitting on the bed with my patient would have definitely taken things beyond unprofessional. I needed to ask King for a chair. Or I needed to meet with patients somewhere else.
“No problem. Jack explained you were staying here for a patient.”
I opened my mouth to say—well, I wasn’t sure what to say, but I needn’t have worried because Derek allayed my fears.
“He didn’t tell me who the patient was or why, just that they needed you here for a bit.”
Nodding, I was relieved Jack hadn’t shared Aspen’s story. “So, tell me why you’re here, Derek.”
Derek rubbed the back of his neck before beginning with his story. Over the next hour he told me about his parents, Luther and Delilah Reynolds. About the abuse he and his mother both suffered, and his mother’s death.
He told me about Martha and the daughter he never met. He shared details about his marriage to Samantha and what he had done to her.
The remorse in not only his words but his body language was evident. He was ashamed of the life he had lived.
When he told me about meeting Jack and Charlie for the first time, there was a brightness that showed in his eyes. When he looked up and confessed that he would do it all again if it meant it was the only way he would meet his brother, my heart broke for him.
“Have you told Jack that?”
“Fuck no.” He looked at me with shame. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You are allowed to express yourself in the way you feel most comfortable. A cuss word won’t hurt my delicate sensibilities.” My response elicited a slight smile from Derek. That phrase usually cut the tension with men whenever they felt like they had to be someone they weren’t for my benefit. Pretending to be someone you weren’t negated the point of therapy.
There were strong physical similarities between Jack and Derek. They both had the brightest blue eyes and dark, almost black hair. They were built similarly, though Jack was slightly larger. There was no mistaking they were brothers.
But that was where the similarities ended.
I didn’t know Jack well, but I had spent the past week getting to know many of the brothers. Jack was light and laughter, where Derek was dark and brooding.
“Why haven’t you told him?”
“I can’t.” He shook his head. Leaning forward, he placed his elbows on his knees and held his head in hands, then continued, “He would never forgive me for causing Sam harm in order to meet him.”
“Would you want to cause Sam harm so you could meet him?”
He snapped his head up, narrowing his eyes at me.
“Fuck no.”
“But you just said you would do it all again if it meant it was the only way to meet Jack.”
“I didn’t mean I wanted to hurt her. Fuck, I didn’t want to hurt her the first time. I just lost control. I meant...” He shook his head, his eyes downcast.
“What, Derek? What did you mean?” I pressed when his sentence trailed off.
He stood from the bed and paced the room. When I sat on the dresser, it lifted me higher than where Derek sat on the bed, putting me subconsciously at a level of authority over him. Whereas, in an office, we would start off with an even footing.
Now that he was standing and pacing the room, we were more at an even keel. Which if I was perfectly honest with myself, I preferred over feeling at a disadvantage in a chair, lower than him once he stood. Most patients stood and paced during their sessions—it was something I’d come to expect.
“I meant that I would go through it again.” He slapped his chest as he said I. “I would take all the pain from our father, the shame of walking away from my daughter, and the guilt of what I did to Sam. I would take it all on again if it meant I got to meet him. I would even let him beat the shit out of me again.”
“You didn’t tell me about that part.”
He grinned and when he did, his face transformed from the angry, scared man he was when he walked in here to an almost boyish look.
“Yea, he came to my hotel room when I refused to sign the divorce papers and kicked the shit out of me. I was so fucking proud of him.”
“Why did that make you proud?”
He looked around the room, and I knew he was thinking about his answer.
“Because it meant he wasn’t like him. He had been spared, like our mom wanted. I forgave her then. Forgave her for saving him and not me.”
“How did you know he wasn’t like your father? Wasn’t he doing the same thing? Taking his anger out on you with his fists?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “It wasn’t the same. He wasn’t there for himself. He was there for Sam. He loves her so fucking much it hurts.” Derek ran his hands through his hair, pulling on the strands.
“Why does it hurt, Derek?”
“Because I should have loved her like that.”
“But you didn’t?”
“No. I never should have touched her. She was too fucking young.”
“How young?”
“She was seventeen when we met, but I didn’t touch her until she was eighteen. I’m not a fucking pedo.” He sat on the bed and threw himself back so he was lying on it. “She was eighteen when we got married, and I was twenty-six.”
“What about Marsha? Did you love her?”
We didn’t have enough time to delve into the power imbalance of his relationship with Sam just yet.
“No. We were only together a few months when she got pregnant. I never wanted kids. I told her that. When she told me she was pregnant, I left.” His hands covered his face as he lay back on the bed.
“But you never had that talk with Sam? Why?”
“’Cause I’m a fucking asshole.”
“Derek?” I waited for him to respond, and when he didn’t, I added firmness to my voice.
“Derek, I need you to sit up.”
Another moment or two passed before he finally relented and sat up. Taking a deep breath, he looked me in the eye, waiting for my judgment.
He would be waiting a long time. It wasn’t my place to judge. My job was to guide my patients in healing their trauma.
“You are not an asshole.”
When he opened his mouth, I held up my hand.
“My turn to speak.” I didn’t usually talk abruptly to my patients, well, not the women, anyway. But I found with men, it helped them open up if I met them on their playing field.
“Everything you went through from the time you started forming memories in your hippocampus has contributed to who you are today. Most people will use that as an excuse to act the way they want. Giving no regard to how they treat anyone. They show no remorse. They are assholes. You feel guilt, shame, remorse. All those emotions are what prove you are a good man who has done some terrible things. It doesn’t make you irredeemable. Your past explains why you did the things you did, but it doesn’t excuse them. You can seek forgiveness. I believe that Jack and Sam both want to grant you that forgiveness. That was why Jack approached me about meeting with you.”
“I don’t deserve their forgiveness.”
“Everyone deserves forgiveness if they are truly asking for it. But you also need to forgive yourself.”
“Don’t think that’s possible.”
I smiled brightly at the man. “That’s what I’m here for.”
I hopped off the dresser, and Derek stood.
“We tackled a lot today, Derek. You may be feeling like we did nothing, but trust me, this was a great start.” I walked to the nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out my appointment book. I was a paper and pen kind of girl. No matter how much I tried to go digital, writing things down helped me remember them.
“Let’s start with once a week and see how you feel. We can always up the appointments if you feel you need to talk more.”
“Ok.”
We agreed on a date and time, and I assured him I would have a different option for meeting, other than my bedroom at the clubhouse. This could work out great for Aspen as well. She would need to get used to me not being there all the time. An hour here or there would be a small steppingstone that wouldn’t put too much pressure on her.
Leaving the room, Derek and I walked down the hallway, chatting about superficial things. He told me about the house he was building for Jack and Sam and how excited he was for the new niece or nephew that was on the way.
When we entered the main room, there were quite a few brothers that had returned. The tension in the room skyrocketed when they saw me with Derek.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Zero growled.
I heard Derek sigh. “Just talking with the doc.”
“Does Gunner know you’re with him?”
“It’s none of Gunner’s business,” I argued
The front door opened, and Jack, Sam, and Charlie walked in and stopped.
“What’s goin’ on?” Jack asked.
“Asshole was just upstairs with Gunner’s women.”
“Not Gunner’s woman,” I said, but I was quickly ignored.
“Zero, watch your tone, brother.” King stepped up. “I knew they were up there and there is nothing to concern your ass with. Gunner knows too.”
Turning to King, I put my hands on my hips. “Gunner knows what?”
“That you were with Derek,” King answered.
“I’m gonna go,” Derek said. “I’ll see you next week. Let me know where.”
“I’m sorry about this. I will take care of it.”
“Not your circus, it’s mine. I don’t hold it against them.” Turning to Jack, he said, “I’ll catch you later, ok?”
“Yea, man.” Jack pulled Derek in for a hug, and when he let him go, Derek kissed Sam on the cheek, and then Charlie. Once he was gone, I turned on everyone in the room.