Chapter 20
Natasa
Everything is perfect. So why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like something is wrong? Why can’t I shake these feelings I have?
It’s been months. Months! And I still can’t seem to shake the odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know it’s not about Clark, but it’s something.
I’m due any day now. Actually, I’m overdue by three days. The doctor told me not to worry about it since this is my first baby, but I still worry.
“You need to calm down,” Gunner tells me one more time. He’s been telling me as I’ve been pacing the room all day.
“What if I’m not good at this? What if I’m a bad mom?”
“You couldn’t be. You’re a great person, Nat. You love that baby already, and he isn’t here yet.”
“It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, Gunner, you can still hurt them.”
“Why would you? Come on, baby girl. Don’t do this to yourself.” He walks over, pulls me into his arms, and holds me.
“I’m just scared, Gunner. I don’t want to mess this up.”
“You’re not goin’ to. We got this. I promise.” I let him hold me a little longer and I try to breathe. I know he’s probably right, but I still can’t shake the feelings. Gunner keeps me tucked in tightly as I begin to feel some pain. I don’t say anything at first because I don’t know what it is.
“What did she say I would feel?”
“Why? What are you feelin’?”
“Cramps? I don’t know. It just hurts.” Gunner pulls back and rests his hand on my stomach as he looks at me.
“Your stomach is hard,” he says. “Probably a contraction.”
“How are you so calm about this? I’m freaking out, Gunner. I don’t know if I can do this. Push a whole baby out of me?” Now he chuckles.
“You’ll do fine, baby girl.”
“Oh my god, would you stop! You don’t know if I’ll do fine, Gunner!”
“Yeah, I kinda do. You’re strong and can handle this.”
“I’m not that strong,” I argue as another wave of pain hits me. I rest my hand on my stomach as I glance over at him.
“Another one?” I nod my head. He pulls his phone out and makes a call as I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what to expect. I’m nervous as hell, and he’s just so … calm.
“Doc said we have a while, or we can head to the hospital now,” he informs me as he shoves the phone back into his pocket.
“I don’t want to wait. Let’s go,” I tell him as I shove myself back up.
“Nat, you have time.”
“And I said I don’t want to wait.” Gunner nods his head and walks to the closet, pulling out the bags he helped me pack. He tosses them over his shoulder, grabs my hand, and leads me out of the room and down the hall.
“What’s going on?” Kiki asks when she sees us.
“Nat’s havin’ contractions,” Gunner tells her.
“Oh my god, is it baby time?” Kiki squeals.
“It’s lookin’ that way,” Gunner tells her. She stops us, pulls me into a hug, and tells me everything is going to be okay. I hug her back, but I don’t agree. Something is wrong; I can feel it.
“Thanks, Kiki,” I tell her as she pulls back. The guys all gather around and tell us good luck. It’s nice to see everyone is so caring.
“Where’s Rick?” I ask, looking around for him.
“He’s at the shop. I’ll go get him and bring him to the hospital,” Locke says. I nod my head, knowing I can’t do this without him. He’s been there for me through everything. I need him there for this, too.
Gunner fist-bumps Hodge and then leads me out of the building. He opens the truck door and helps me inside before reaching across and buckling my seatbelt for me. But then he just stands there, staring at my stomach, before he finally reaches up and touches it.
“I’m not gonna fuck this up,” he says, and I don’t know if he’s talking to me or the baby. Then his head turns, and he tilts it up to look at me. “I mean it, Nat. I’m not gonna fuck this up.” Warmth spreads through me at his words. I know he’s doing everything he can for me and this baby, and I don’t see that changing.
“I know that.”
“How do you know?”
“You’re a good man, Gunner. Look at the two you already raised. They couldn’t be any better,” I reassure him. He smiles and leans in pressing his lips to mine before closing the door and rounding the truck. He climbs in, and we quickly take off toward the hospital.
I watch out the window as we drive, wondering how all this is going to turn out. We saw how my parents were. They were willing to sell me to the highest bidder and no one but Gunner seemed to care. I couldn’t do that, not to my child. I look down at my stomach and rest my hand on it, knowing I have to be better than they were.
“You thought about names? I know we talked about a few.”
“I don’t know, Gunner. I just want to make sure everything is okay first,” I tell him. He reaches across the seat and grabs my hand in his, squeezing reassuringly.