CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE #2
“Yeah, they found him after a year, thinking maybe the cult leader found out and had forced him there against his will,” Nathaniel said, scrolling down to show a photograph from a police conference.
“But he insists he decided to stay because he believed it was the right place for him. He didn’t even want to return to his family.
He had three children. Who leaves their children for a cult? ”
I thought of my mother leaving Auden and I in North Lane, and muttered, “You’d be surprised.”
Nathaniel tilted his head up to look at me. “Do you think we could use this as a case study? To show that psychological manipulation can occur to anyone, religious or not?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “And we can compare it to those who already have religious inclinations, see if there are any differences. Does the article talk about what this Doctor experienced inside the cult?”
Nathaniel hummed. “A little. It’s mostly just information that his family provided after their brief encounter. I don’t know how reliable it is.”
“It’s still useful,” I said, returning to my own seat. “I’m going to try and find a case study to compare it to. Can you make notes on that one?”
“Already on it.”
We worked tirelessly on our case studies and supporting literature, our track of time fleeting as we buried ourselves in article after article.
Neither of us knew the sun had set and that the library was closing until the lights suddenly flickered off, draping us in darkness.
“What the hell?”
“Oh, shit,” Nathaniel said, pulling out his phone, “it’s nine.”
“Nine?!”
“The library is closing.”
We gathered our laptops and books in a mad dash to leave the study room and bolt toward the doors. Nathaniel went to open them, but the doors merely shook. He tried again. They were locked.
“You’re kidding,” I breathed out.
“It’s okay,” Nathaniel said, voice calm despite the rapid rise and fall of his chest, “campus security will come around soon. They’ll let us out.”
I shot him a look. “Why were there no announcements?”
“I don’t know,” he said, running a hand over his face, “there usually are! Maybe they weren’t working today!”
I groaned and tugged at the door as if it would magically open.
“There’s no use,” Nathaniel sighed. “Let’s just sit down and wait for security. I’ll try give them a call.”
He approached the cushioned booth near the entrance, dumping himself down to spread out lazily, his lips tugging up into a grin once he caught me watching.
Scowling, I sat down at the table across from him. It was less comfortable than the booth, but I did not want to sit with him. I could feel him watching me, so I turned away, hiding my face beneath my thick waves.
“Are we just going to sit in silence?” Nathaniel asked.
“Yes.”
“Aw, come on! We spent so long studying, I’m ready to socialise now!”
“I can think of nothing worse.”
Nathaniel laughed as if I were joking. “Are you always this grumpy?”
I whirled on him. “I’m not grumpy!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“If you say so.”
“Why are you being so annoying?” I complained.
Nathaniel lifted a dramatic hand to his chest. “You think I’m annoying?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t think, I know.”
A playful gasp escaped his throat. This was all a game to him but I was being entirely serious. I glanced toward the doors, praying campus security showed up so I wouldn’t have to spend another second with Nathaniel’s crooked grin.
“You still haven’t told me why you hate me,” Nathaniel mused.
“I told you already…I don’t hate you,” I said.
“Okay, well you certainly don’t like me,” he pointed out.
“Does it matter?” I asked, slowly returning my attention to him.
“To me? Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t like being disliked,” he said.
“Not many people do,” I shrugged.
“Yes,” he agreed, “but if there is something I do that upsets you, I’d like to know so I can stop.”
“You can’t live like that,” I scoffed.
Nathaniel tilted his head to the side. “Like what?”
“Being a people pleaser,” I said, waving a hand dismissively. “People are going to dislike you no matter what. You can’t please everyone. What does it matter if I dislike you when you have so many people that do like you?”
Nathaniel straightened in the booth, elbows resting on the table. “Are you saying that you’ll dislike me no matter what?”
I thought about it for a moment before nodding. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you are my competition.”
A frown pulled at his lips. “Competition?”
“For first place,” I said. “You are the barrier keeping me from coming first in every class. I want the scholarship for next year and you are the only thing getting in my way.”
Nathaniel studied me as if I were a night creature crawling into the sunlight for the first time. “You do realise you can get the scholarship without ranking first in every subject, right? It‘s more about your marks.”
“Yes, obviously,” I said through gritted teeth. “But the teaching staff base their recommendations on ranking. That’s why there is such a big focus on it.”
Nathaniel sighed. “It’s just one class.”
“I know. But I’m not going to risk it.”
“Well, at least this makes sense. Danny said I must have wronged you in my past life.”
“Who the fuck is Danny?”
“Just some guy I’ve been talking to,” Nathaniel chuckled.
“You’ve been telling some random guy about me?” I asked, gobsmacked.
“I told you I don’t like being disliked!” Nathaniel defended himself. “And he asked me how my day was!”
“So this random guy thinks I’m an asshole?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell him you just hate me cause I’m smarter than you!”
Without thinking, I threw my pen lid at him. Nathaniel caught it with lightning reflexes, his eyes wide as he looked at me. “Did you just throw this pen lid at me?” He looked like he was trying not to laugh, and for some reason, that brought a faint smile to my lips, rage dimming.
“Oh my god!” he gasped as he threw the lid back at me.
I dodged it easily, laughing as it sailed past my head to land on the carpeted floor behind me.
Nathaniel chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair, combing it back away from his forehead. “I can’t believe you threw a pen lid at me!”
“You threw it back!” I defended myself.
“It was return fire!”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Thank you.”
I snorted. “It was not a compliment.”
“Really? I could never have guessed.”
“Sarcasm?”
“Mhm.”
Rolling my eyes, I wiped a hand over my mouth to smother the smile that threatened to linger on my lips. Maybe Nathaniel wasn’t so bad. He wasn’t Alexander. In fact, in this situation, I was being Alexander.
“Why is it so important for you to be first?” I decided to ask after a long, comfortable silence.
He didn’t need the scholarship, surely. Based on what little I had seen on his social media, his family were wealthy.
He lived in a large house, wore expensive brand clothes, and travelled all around the world.
But maybe his parents were like Aunt Vera—they had money but no interest in sharing it with their children once they reached eighteen.
Nathaniel’s expression sobered, but he didn’t object to answering the question.
“I’m the oldest of seven children,” he said, “and both my parents are surgeons. My mum moved here from South Korea to study medicine as a young woman and she sacrificed so much. She left behind her parents and her two younger sisters. It was hard for her…being in a foreign country, striving for success.”
“And my dad was adopted as a toddler and brought here from South Korea to be raised in an English family. They were good to him but…it was transactional. And anyway…” He shook his head, slowly bringing his gaze up to look at me.
“I’m expected to be the best of the best. They have worked so hard for the lives they have now, and the life they have given my brothers and me, and I feel like I owe them my success. Nothing is good enough, you know?”
I said nothing, words failing me as I digested the truth laced in every word.
“I have always been number one,” Nathaniel went on. “And it’s been something my parents tell their friends and colleagues proudly. If I fail…I’m an embarrassment.”
“One failure surely wouldn’t…” my voice trailed off at the look on his face.
“This subject…I’m doing poorly. My dad is disappointed. He says he understands now why Oxford declined my application…I must do well in this final assignment. There’s no other option other than success.”
“Oxford didn’t accept you?” I asked, surprised.
Nathaniel released a bitter chuckle. “Yeah. It’s my greatest shame.”
I bit my lip, debating my next words. Nathaniel was the smartest person I knew, I had always assumed Dawnridge had been his first choice. To know that he too had experienced failure…it humanised him.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get accepted into Oxford, but Dawnridge is an incredible university,” I tried to comfort him. “You’re not a failure.”
Nathaniel smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thank you.”
“And your dad may be disappointed, but you shouldn’t be,” I went on, “you’re at the top of your course regardless of your one slip up in this subject. It’s okay to not be at your best all the time.”
“I know, I just…not all my brothers are as academic as I am,” he sighed, leaning back against the cushioned booth.
“I don’t want them to experience the same pressure that I have.
I don’t want them to kill themselves trying to live up to my parents’ expectations.
If I am successful, if I make them proud, maybe my brothers will have more room to chase their own dreams.”
“You’re protecting them,” I said.
“I guess so,” Nathaniel shrugged. “But I’m also doing it for myself. What good am I if not the best?”
I swallowed hard. That sounded an awful lot like the question circling around my own head. Perhaps Nathaniel and I were not so different after all.
Biting my lip hard enough to draw blood, I glanced toward the unopened doors and released a frustrated sigh. “Can we call security again?”
“I’ll try, but they haven’t been answering,” Nathaniel sighed.