16. Chapter 16
Chapter 16
GRIFF
The coffee in my mug has been cold for a while now, but that doesn’t stop me from bringing it to my lips reflexively then cringing when I remember that I should just dump it out already. The smell of burnt coffee lingers in the kitchen from the pot I’ve left on, keeping it warm for Ledger. At this point I should just dump that too and make a fresh pot. I don’t want to give him burned, bitter coffee that’s been sitting in the pot since three in the morning when I woke up with my heart pounding all over again and anxious knots in my gut.
Sex wasn’t a cure-all for the psychological terror of standing on the edge of possibilities with Ledger and staring straight into the unknown. Go figure.
I tried to bury my face against the back of his neck, to let the warmth of his skin and steadiness of his slumbering breaths soothe me back to sleep, but having him in my bed was almost too comforting. It was just another glaring reminder of how much I want, how much I could lose all over again, and how much easier it is to just stay numb and distant from everyone.
I groan to myself and rub my hands over my burning eyes.
I should tell him now that I’m sorry I led him on, but it’s not going to work. I’ll finish his living room and then we can just go back to our own lives. He’ll meet someone who isn’t the emotional equivalent of a cactus and he’ll be better off for it. And I’ll go on spending my nights in gut-wrenching aloneness. Sorry, I mean blissful quiet.
I bring the coffee cup to my lips again.
“Dammit,” I mutter, wiping my hand across my mouth and then shoving back from the table. I carry the mug over to the sink and drop it inside without bothering to be careful. I don’t give a shit if one of my generic, monochromatic coffee mugs breaks. I’ll just buy another one and I’ll never know the difference.
That’s another lesson I learned after Riley passed. Everything of his was colorful and unique and full of personality, just like him. But every time something broke or wore out, it was heart wrenching. It felt like losing him all over again. So I slowly replaced it all with shit I’ll never care about. My house could go up in flames today and I wouldn’t be able to tell you a single thing that was inside.
I brace my hands on the sink and grind my teeth.
What am I going to say to Ledger when he wakes up? He’s going to be all sweet and chatty, thinking we had a perfect date last night and that everything is fucking peachy. We did, and it is, except there’s this feeling inside me like something’s clawing to get out. I clench my jaw a little harder at how badly I want to slink back into the bedroom, climb under the sheets, and force a reality where I’m not a fucking mess, one where I can just wake up in bed with a guy I’m kind of fucking crazy about and enjoy the moment with him like he deserves.
I exhale through my nose and shake my head. He’s going to see through me immediately when he wakes up. He’s going to know I’m spiraling. I don’t want to burden him with any of this.
I busy myself making a fresh pot of coffee, glancing at the clock above the stove after every step of the process. He’ll be up soon. He might even be awake now, lying in my bed, wondering if I’m coming back or how long I’ve been gone. By the time I press the button to start the coffee brewing, I’ve made a decision.
I grab a pen and paper out of the junk drawer and scrawl a quick note.
Ledger,
Sorry, I had to get to the jobsite early and didn’t want to wake you. Help yourself to coffee.
I set the note right in the middle of the counter, glance towards the bedroom one more time, then haul ass to put my boots on before he can wake up and catch me. I’m a fucking coward. Is that better than being an accidental dickhead? Maybe I’m both. It kind of feels like I’m both.
I swing the front door open and stop with my foot halfway down, catching myself just as I’m about to step on a white box on the stoop from a place called Stud Muffins. I huff through my nose and pick up the box. Another secret admirer gift? Why? Why would anyone be delusional enough to think I’m worth any of this?
Growling under my breath, I tuck the box under my arm and head for my truck.
There’s only one truck in the parking lot when I pull in this morning. My phone feels heavy in my pocket. Ledger has to be awake by now. Has he tried to call or text? Is he pissed that I did the walk of shame out of my own house, or did he take my note at face value and just assume I actually had to be at work early this morning? Knowing him, it’s probably the latter, and that makes me feel like an even bigger asshole.
I scoop the pastry box off the seat and carry it inside. It’s quiet, the hum of the fluorescent lights and the click-clack of someone typing at a keyboard in one of the offices the only sounds. I’m guessing Ev or Ollie, since they’re the only ones who ever seem to bother with the paperwork.
I set my mystery package down on the table next to an empty donut box that must have been from yesterday and the coffee maker that’s already burbling and hissing as it brews its morning magic. I glance at the investigation board Stone set up, and I’m not surprised to see a picture of Ledger front and center. It looks like they printed it from his social media. It’s a selfie of him looking uncharacteristically stern, except even with the furrow in his brow, there’s still a little uptick at the corner of his lips like he’s trying not to smile. He’s wearing his park ranger uniform, so I’m guessing the caption was some kind of message about not starting forest fires or petting bears. Not that he’s likely to take his own advice on the latter. I grunt a laugh to myself.
“Oh, hey, I thought I heard someone come in. You’re here early,” Ollie says.
I can’t tear my eyes off the picture of Ledger, so I just grunt again and nod without looking back at him. I’ve seen the moon eyes he makes at his husband, Daniel. Even if I wanted to explain that I’m freaking the fuck out about this thing with Ledger, Ollie would never understand.
“Did you bring in some morning sugar and carbs for us?” He opens the lid on the box and groans happily. I glance over to see him lift a cupcake out of the box, licking the frosting off of his fingers and making more pseudo-sexual noises over the treat. “You know, if you’re trying to keep up your whole ‘we’re just coworkers, not friends’ schtick, bringing us cupcakes is definitely going in the wrong direction. We’re all going to love you for life now.”
I snort and notice a note stuck to the inside of the box. I’m there in a flash, yanking the slip of paper out to read it.
What do cupcakes and secret admirers have in common? You can lick frosting off both.
Just like the other presents, there’s no name. I huff with frustration, balling up the note and tossing it into the trash while Ollie eyes me.
“You know it’s Ledger, don’t you?” he says casually, peeling the wrapper off of his cupcake.
I scoff and shake my head.
“Dude, come on.” He takes a bite and chews slowly, his eyes on me the whole time, like he’s waiting for me to have some kind of light bulb moment, but I just keep shaking my head.
“The first one came before we ever had a conversation.”
He eyes me skeptically again then shrugs like it doesn’t matter to him one way or the other.
“Maybe whoever this guy is, he should take Ledger on a date instead. It’ll save all of us some trouble if they go ahead and live happily ever after and leave me the hell out of it.” I clench my teeth and let out the growl of frustration that’s been building in my chest all morning. “Anyone thoughtful enough to send presents like this, to go out of his way to make a guy feel seen and special and fucking cared about, that’s the kind of guy Ledger deserves. A guy like that wouldn’t leave him alone in bed and sneak out like a coward.”
Ollie furrows his brow. “Why—”
“Because!” I explode with a roar, the dam that’s been holding all of this back for years bursting all at once. “Because every time he touches me, it softens me up just a little more, it makes me need him. I didn’t think there would ever be anyone else. I mean, who would be stupid enough to try to pet a growling junkyard dog, right? But then there Ledger is, fucking sweet and perfect and not put off at all by my scowling and grunting.”
Ollie keeps eating his cupcake, nodding and holding eye contact like he actually gives a shit about my ranting. I stop to drag in a breath, and he licks more frosting off of his fingers.
“Did you know I was divorced three times before I met Daniel?”
He’s so head over heels for his husband that it’s hard to imagine him with anyone else. I huff and shake my head. I’m not sure what that has to do with my ranting though. Maybe he’s just trying to distract me.
“I don’t know your life or what happened with anyone you were with before, but we’re all scared of getting hurt. We’ve all been hurt plenty of times. That’s just part of the deal, man.” He shrugs. “Anything that matters comes with a little risk.”
I swallow hard. “I don’t know if I can take losing someone again.”
He nods and puts his hand on my shoulder. It’s different from the way I can’t help but lean into Ledger’s touch, but it’s nice in its own way—warm and friendly. It doesn’t seem like he feels burdened by my outburst at all, more like he’s just happy to let me unload and be here to offer me some advice and perspective. Fuck, what has Ledger done to me? He’s made all of my defenses squishy and ineffective.
“Honest question: Were you happier before you met him?”
“No.” The answer jumps off my tongue immediately. “I wasn’t really anything. I was just existing.”
Like how I traded all the colorful, unique things of Riley’s for the bland, generic versions of them over time, that’s what I did with my life too. I made it so every moment felt interchangeable, so I could never be hurt by losing any of it again. But then what’s the point? Maybe I really was better off having coffee cups I cared about breaking, that were worth gluing back together, and shampoo I growled about when it was out of stock. That life was filled with more frustration, more ups and downs, but it felt more real too.
The sound of the door banging open down the hall breaks through our quiet moment as a mass of voices follow right after. Ollie squeezes my shoulder one more time and gives me a reassuring smile before letting go. The rest of the guys come around the corner like a swarm of locusts, noisy and rowdy even though it’s early. There’s chaos as they discover the cupcakes and all talk over each other, still joking about the goats at the fair and teasing one another.
I think this might be better than the quiet, even if it is harder. I think it might be worth risking heartbreak and hurt to have the chance to spend mornings in bed with Ledger instead of all alone forever.
I think maybe I want him to be my secret admirer.
LEDGER
I stare at the note Griff wrote this morning, my knee bouncing under my kitchen table and the metallic taste of blood on my tongue from chewing my bottom lip too hard.
“You think it’s like one of those Magic Eye things and if you look at it long enough, you’ll see a rocket ship, or a love note or something?” Jericho asks, leaning over my shoulder and snatching the crumpled paper from between my fingers.
“Hey,” I complain, but I don’t bother trying to get it back from him. He’s right, I’ve been looking at it all day and it’s still just two sentences with absolutely no tone or context for me to guess whether Griff was blowing me off or not. “Maybe he actually had to get to work early.”
Jericho gives me a flat look.
“Okay, okay, the date went too well and he’s freaking out. What I need is a Hail Mary. Maybe if I confess to being his secret admirer, that will shock him out of his panic spiral somehow?”
“My dude, that man was balls deep inside you less than twenty-four hours ago. What part of your admiration for him is secret at this point? Frankly, if he hasn’t figured it out by now, I think you should be a little worried about him.”
I reach blindly for something to throw at him. My hand lands on one of TP’s toys on the table, so I pick it up and whip it at my supposed best friend. The little plush fish bounces off his forehead and lands on the floor. There’s a jingle and TP crawls out of the hole she chewed at the base of the wall to bound after her fishy with playful little squeaks.
I snort a laugh then flop forward to bang my head on the table.
“I like him so much,” I whine. “I played it cool so I wouldn’t freak him out, and still the second he started to feel something, it all fell apart. I think this disproves your theory about my thing for grumpy, emotionally distant bears being a way to protect myself.” I mumble all this with my face against the cool wood of the table.
A chair scrapes against the tile floor, and I feel the slight shift of the table under my face as Jericho sits down next to me. He puts a hand on my arm and rubs his thumb back and forth over my wrist.
“Ledgie, I know I’m the last person in the world who should give any kind of relationship advice, but hear me out, okay?” he says, and I take a leaf out of Griff’s book and grunt in acknowledgment. “You can’t change anyone. You can’t make him the kind of guy who’s mature enough to face the big feelings that scare the shit out of him. This is why I don’t like guys like this for you, because at the end of the day you love so damn hard, and it’s just wasted on people who can’t or won’t receive it. I think you should give him space, maybe hire someone else to finish up your living room, and just let him go if he wants to go.”
My heart aches, but I can see the wisdom in what he’s saying. I thought if I let Griff set the pace and kept my cool that I would be able to coax him out of his shell, but what if he prefers his shell? What if I’ve spent my life trying to bulldoze down walls that people would rather be left standing? What if I’m the asshole constantly bothering guys who just want to be left the fuck alone? Oh god, what if all the scowling and fuck-off vibes weren’t designed to give me an I-can-fix-him boner, but were actually just meant as a way to tell me to fuck off?
I groan and gently bang my head on the table. I don’t want to hurt my beautiful face, but it might be a good idea to knock some common sense into my thick head for a change. I stop banging after a minute, but the thud, thud, thud sound continues.
“Is that an echo or is someone at the door?” I mumble, and Jericho chuckles.
“That would be the door.”
My heart jumps and I gasp, bolting upright and dragging my fingers through my hair. I leap up out of my seat, knocking it over and leaving it clattering on the floor without a backward glance. I pause when I reach the front door, pulling in a deep breath to steady myself and putting a neutral look on my face.
Except, isn’t that what I was just angsting about? If faking chill isn’t working, maybe I should just… not. Maybe I should let Griff see all of my crazy, and if it scares him away, then so be it. With one more breath, I whip the door open.
Griff is standing there on my porch, dressed like he came straight from work as usual. But instead of a sledgehammer or a length of pipe, he’s holding a bouquet of sunflowers. His lips twist into a sheepish, crooked smile and he thrusts the flowers towards me.
“Can we talk?”