Chapter 42
42
Holly wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there. She was determined not to move until she knew what she was going to do next, and how on earth could she know what she was going to do next when it still didn’t make sense to her what she’d already done? She had kissed Giles. That was what he’d said anyway, but she didn’t believe that. She had been there. She had seen the way his body moved towards her. Felt the way he pulled her closer into him. She had been the one to break away. That she was certain of. And that had to count for something, right?
As she buried her head in her hands, all she could see was Giles’s face after the moment. The way he had looked so appalled. Disgusted even. Because they had kissed. It was such an absolute mess.
With a sudden burst of focus, she picked up her phone. She needed to ring him. She needed to put things straight. That was what she needed to do. Yet how could she ring him when Sienna was probably there? It didn’t matter how much she disliked the woman; it didn’t change what Holly had done, and that wasn’t the type of conversation Giles would be able to have with her in the room, was it?
As a new surge of panic kept her pulse unhealthily fast, Rhubarb appeared at her ankles, meowing softly.
‘I think Mummy might have messed this up. Badly,’ she said to the cat. ‘What do you think I should do? I have to do something, right?’
Rhubarb meowed again. It wasn’t the most conclusive answer, but it was as close as she was going to get to one.
So, what about a text? She switched from phone calls to open up a message but struggled to know what to write.
Sorry we kissed ? No, she definitely couldn’t put something like that in a text. What if Sienna saw it appear on his phone? No, that wasn’t a great idea. So, if she couldn’t ring or message, what could she do? She didn’t know, but she was still staring at her phone when it started buzzing in her hand.
‘Oh God!’ she said, as she jumped so high, she accidentally threw it up into the air. Had Giles beaten her to it? Was he ringing her? If so, he was going to expect her to say something when she didn’t know what the hell she could say. The phone landed face down on the sofa beside her, still buzzing. Did it normally sound this angry when it buzzed? She didn’t think so. Regardless, it was showing no signs of stopping. She had no choice but to answer it.
With her throat so dry she could barely swallow, Holly inched towards the phone, then flicked it over with one finger, like it was some dead thing she didn’t want to touch. When she saw Jamie’s name flashing on the screen, her whole body groaned with relief.
‘Hey,’ she said, still waiting for her pulse to lower as she answered the call.
‘Hey, what’s going on?’
And just like that, it was rising again.
‘What do you mean, what’s going on?’ she said. ‘Nothing is going on. Why do you think something is going on? I’m fine. Nothing is going on here at all. Why do you sound as if you think something was going on?’
Holly clamped her mouth shut.
‘Okay, that was very, very weird,’ Jamie said. ‘I’m here with Hope. She said Giles came over, and we assumed you were going to come back and get her, but that was over half an hour ago. Is everything all right? Did something happen between you and Giles?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t know. You’re just behaving strangely.’
Holly let out a deep sigh. Should she tell Jamie? She floated the idea, only momentarily, before she pushed it away again. Jamie was close to Giles now, just as she was to Ben and every other member of the group. It didn’t make sense to bring anybody else into the situation. Not when it meant she would have to lie or hide things from them.
Besides, there was something else Holly could say. A half-truth.
‘Sienna and I had a bit of an argument. A bust-up on the first day there.’
‘What? Why didn’t you say anything? What did you do?’
‘It wasn’t that big a deal. Or at least, I didn’t think it was. But then Sienna went home to Giles crying about it. Obviously, he wasn’t happy, so he wanted to check that stuff was okay, to clear the air and things.’
‘And did you do that? Did you manage to clear the air?’
Holly closed her eyes, only for an image of Giles’s lips pressed against hers to fill her mind. She could still feel the way his hand had slipped around her waist and how her fingers had toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. She could almost feel the rhythm of his pulse too, they had been that close.
With a sharp breath in, Holly snapped her eyes back open again.
‘Yes, sort of… yes, yes. Everything is fine. Completely fine.’
‘Okay then, so do you want me to give Hope dinner here or send her back around to you?’
Holly thought about the question for a second longer.
‘I’ve just got a couple of errands to run. I’ll come around to you in fifteen minutes. Is that okay?’
‘Yeah, sure. Are you sure you’re all right? You sound strange.’
‘That’s what a juicing weekend will do to you,’ Holly said. ‘Honestly, I think I probably just need some sugar. I’ll be over in a minute.’
‘Sure thing. I’ll get the wine ready.’
As Holly hung up the phone, a sharp tug of guilt yanked at her chest. That was probably the most she’d lied to any of her friends in a very, very, very long time.
Almost nothing she’d said had been true, apart from the bust-up with Sienna and it being her fault. She and Giles had definitely not cleared the air. In fact, they’d never had more things they needed to discuss, but she couldn’t send a text, and she couldn’t phone him either, so what choices did that leave? A letter didn’t feel right either. A letter would require delivering and would be a tangible piece of evidence of everything that had gone on. But then, maybe there was another way after all. Another way she could get down everything she needed to say.
‘I guess I’m sending an email,’ she said to Rhubarb, who had begun pouncing on a stray hair tie Hope had left lying about.
Moving over to the desk, she opened up her laptop and began to write. It wasn’t as easy as she had hoped. A myriad of thoughts flowed through her mind, but she didn’t know where to start. If she started with what a bitch Sienna was, Giles might think she was diverting the attention away from herself, like she wasn’t to blame and she didn’t feel responsible for what had happened. Then again, she was happy to take half the blame, but not all of it. There was no way she would take all the blame. After all, there were two people involved in that kiss and as far as she was concerned, Giles had initiated it just as much as she had. But how did she say that without implying he was a terrible person who cheated on his fiancée, unless she mentioned how horrible Sienna was? It was a catch-22.
‘Why is this so hard?’ she said, dropping her head into her hands. She and Giles talked about everything. He was her go-to person. Why was it so difficult to tell him the truth in this situation? A deep throbbing began behind her ribs. Perhaps, she thought, it was because she didn’t want to admit the truth to herself. She couldn’t admit the truth, could she?
It was then that her fingers started writing. Not much. Barely even a sentence. Just seven short words. Seven short words that felt like freedom. That felt like releasing a rope that had bound her in place for longer than she’d even realised. Seven short words that would upset everything.
‘Who’m I kidding?’ she said as Rhubarb jumped onto her lap. ‘There’s no way I can send that. That would just make things more complicated. A lot more complicated.’
With a heavy sigh, she read through the sentence once more before shaking her head and lifting her arm. She hadn’t realised until that moment that Rhubarb had her back legs balanced on her, and that by shifting her position even slightly, Holly left the kitten with no choice but to move. In the split second, as she went to press the delete button, Rhubarb jumped onto her keyboard and her small paw hit the mouse. At any other time, that might not have been an issue. Only the cursor was hovering directly over the send button, and the minute the mouse was pushed, it clicked.
‘No!’ Holly squealed as she saw the moment unfolding, but it was too late. The email had gone. Giles knew exactly how she felt.