Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
E very synapse in my brain shut down the instant the doctor told me what was wrong, and what I'd need to have done.
I wandered out of the doctor's office and into the hospital hallway, found the closest chair and sat down. I didn't have the energy to think about going home. I didn't have the energy to even find a quiet space to myself. I sat in a busy hallway full of people coming and going, gurneys being pushed around and nurses rushing back and forth.
I watched the action mindlessly. Normally, my brain would have been jabbering at me non-stop. Instead, it was quiet. It wasn't like I was in shock. No. It was more like, there was nothing else to say. I'd known something like this would happen eventually. It was only a matter of time.
You were right all along , my heart told my brain. Eventually, you knew something like this was going to happen and you'd be a burden on your loved ones again.
But my brain didn't reply.
I'd asked the doctor why it had happened. I had the sudden fear that throwing myself down a hill had been a bad idea. I'd said as much, but the doctor had shaken her head. Things like this just happened sometimes. It was no one's fault. It was just the risk someone with my kind of heart defect had to live with.
"Excuse me, miss, are you okay?"
I looked up. A nurse in dark blue scrubs was standing in front of me, looking down with concern. I wondered if he was new, because I didn't recognize him.
"I'm fine," I said robotically.
"Do you need me to call someone for you?" he asked.
It was kind of him to offer, but the last thing I needed was to call someone. I needed time to process this. I couldn't handle telling my mom and dad yet. I knew exactly how they'd react and I didn't need that extra guilt and stress on top of everything else.
"Thank you, but I'm okay."
The worry didn't leave his face, but he nodded and continued on his way. I followed him with my eyes, noticing his blue scrubs had small sailboats on them.
Just like the towels in Nathan's bathroom.
Tears stung the back of my eyes. I forced myself to breathe in and out, slow and steady. I finally stood up. I had to leave before I fell apart in the middle of the hospital.
Walking briskly, I followed the nurse's path, knowing it was the closest way to get to the exit.
I rounded a corner. And froze.
As if my thoughts had summoned him, Nathan was standing across the hall from me. He was talking to Nancy, one of the other volunteers. She was blushing as he took a pen from her hand and signed a piece of paper for her. I stood still, not moving, not wanting to bring attention to myself.
He handed the paper back. She floated off with stars in her eyes. He turned to leave and saw me.
He froze, too.
We stared at each other, not saying anything. The nurses, doctors and patients continued hurrying down the hallway, passing by us, but I paid them no attention.
Nathan's dark blue eyes were fixated on me, wide-eyed and distressed. Those eyes had purple bags under them, and his face was pale.
I took a step back.
I didn't know if I intended to run away without acknowledging him, but the moment I moved, his shocked expression turned dark. His lips firmed.
"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here," he said. "Volunteering again?"
The words were almost snarky. I nodded anyway.
"You're not wearing your volunteer t-shirt," he pointed out, eyes hardening. "You really do lie a lot, don't you?"
My lip trembled.
"That girl was just a fan, by the way," he tossed off. "In case you were wondering."
"I wasn't," I murmured.
"Oh really? I thought maybe you'd jump to conclusions and assume I was trying to pick her up."
I shook my head wordlessly.
"I mean, that's clearly what you think I do, isn't it?" he continued. "Just keep on picking up girls left and right?"
"That's not?—"
He cut in. "You think I don't get enough judgement already with media reporting on every girl I'm photographed with?"
"I never meant to hurt you," I whispered.
"My mom was pretty sad when you stopped visiting," he said. "She thought maybe it was something she said. I guess you don't care whose feelings you hurt, do you?"
"I'm sorry!" I cried, twisting my hands into the fabric of my skirt.
"Why are you even here?" he bit out, changing the subject. "Were you hoping to run into me to rub some more salt in the wound? Hoping to accuse me some more? And here I used to think you were so nice and sweet. I guess you're just pretty and judgmental like everyone else."
"I was seeing a doctor!" I yelled. "Okay? Is that good enough for you?"
The red flush of anger didn't leave his face. "I thought you didn't need to go to the doctor for every little thing," he said mockingly.
"Well it's not little this time!" I blew up, tears finally springing free and falling as my own anger and fear and pain couldn't be contained any longer. "It's fucking big and it fucking sucks and I knew it was going to happen sooner or later but it doesn't make it any easier!"
Nathan's eyes went wide, taken aback by my shouting. Some of the anger faded from his expression.
"What are you talking about?" he asked slowly.
"My heart is fucked up again, is what I'm talking about," I said, choking back the tears. "A part of my pulmonary valve is tearing off. I'm going to need a replacement. And unlike all the others times, because of my age, they're doing open heart with an adult conduit."
His lips parted, moving silently, as if repeating the words.
"What… does that mean?" he asked, his face going from red to white.
"It means more surgeries," I bit out. "It means more time spent in the hospital. More time bedridden, unable to take care of myself."
"Becca…" Nathan whispered, sounding stunned, not knowing what else to say.
"Do you know how long it takes to recover from open heart surgery?" I asked. "It could be as long as six to eight weeks. Weeks where I can't lift anything heavier than a fork. Weeks where I can't drive myself anywhere. Weeks where I can't go to work and collect a paycheck. Weeks where I might not even be allowed to climb a goddamn staircase. "
The hurt on his face wasn't for himself this time. It was for me. Full of sadness and pity.
I didn't want his pity. I didn't want him to be sad.
It was bad enough I'd dragged him into my life this far. He didn't need to be dragged in any further.
"Never mind." I rubbed at my wet cheeks with the back of my hand. "I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it."
I turned on my heel, stalking off in the opposite direction, trying to put as much distance between us as fast as I could.
I thought maybe Nathan would call out to me, or reach for my hand to stop me from leaving.
He didn't.