Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
I bunched the scratchy hospital blankets in my fists. My knuckles were turning white and my fingernails were biting into my palms through the material.
Nathan laid his hands over mine.
"Hey," he said. "It's going to be okay."
I nodded silently, my fists still clenched.
He brought one hand to my cheek, forcing me to look at him. His deep blue eyes were soft and loving. His palm was warm. I pressed my cheek into it.
"I'll be here right up until you go in." Nathan slid his hand from my face to cup the back of my head. His fingers sifted through the strands, soothing me. I closed my eyes, my fists releasing their tight grip on the blankets.
I heard the nurse come in. My eyes popped open and my heart rate immediately jumped up. I knew what was coming next.
"They're going to put in an IV," I told him. "Are you sure you want to watch this?"
"I won't be watching that," he said, gazing into my eyes. "I'll be watching you and your pretty face."
Out of the corner of my eye I could practically see the nurse swooning. I hoped she recovered enough before shoving a tube into my arm.
She handed me a paper cup with pills in them. "Swallow these, please, miss."
"What's that?" Nathan asked.
"It'll make her feel drowsy," the nurse said. "It will help ease some of her anxiety and it will help when the anesthesiologist puts her under."
Nathan's massaging hand on the back of my neck also helped calm me. Just having him there was easing my anxiety.
Up until now, I'd been trying not to think about the surgery, throwing myself into my work and my volunteering. Still, in the back of my mind, there was a constant nagging, reminding me I was going under the knife again.
Tracey was worried for me, but of course she understood. She'd tried to make light of it and mock-sighed that she'd have to get Nancy to help her with the party, even though she wasn't as organized as I was. I wondered how Nancy would feel about getting roped into helping. Hopefully, she'd be more enthusiastic than I'd been.
My boss at the pet shop had been surprisingly understanding. When I explained why I needed the time off, he'd immediately offered to give my shifts away to the others and said to take as much time as I needed. Knowing my job would be there for me when I got back was one less thing to worry about.
"I'm really grateful to your parents," Nathan said. "I wasn't sure they would let me be the one to accompany you. I know how difficult it is to be on the outside, just waiting for news."
"They freaked out at first," I told him. "They didn't think you'd be able to handle it. They didn't want to let me out of their sight until the very last second. But I told them I wanted you with me. I told them it would make me feel better having you by my side."
"And they listened." He grinned. "You think maybe they're going to start treating you like an adult from now on?"
"Baby steps. I'll take it for now."
"The band told me to wish you good luck," he said. "Although I don't know if you're supposed to wish someone good luck with this kind of thing. Maybe it's supposed to be more like, break a leg?"
"That's nice of them."
"I'd hate to see what Gael and Julian think about being called nice. "
"You always make it sound like a bad word."
"We prefer words more like cool or sexy or wild or sex god." His grin faded as he turned solemn. "Either way, they wanted you to know you'll be in their thoughts."
"So they all know about me?" I asked.
"I told them everything. They were all curious to know more about you, now that we're officially back together."
"I'd like to get to know them, too."
"And there we go," the nurse said.
I examined my arm. I'd barely even noticed her hooking me up.
She left promptly, but not before eyeing Nathan one more time.
"Your dad gave me a lecture about what to expect and how I'll be able to help you." He held up a bag with the clothes I'd changed out of when I slipped into the hospital gown. "Apparently it's my job to make sure your clothes are kept safe."
"It's an important job. That's my favorite shirt." I traced my fingers along the lines of his palms. "You've really impressed my parents. My dad won't say it out loud, but he actually likes you. I didn't think it would happen so soon."
"I'm surprised it happened at all," he said.
"I knew they'd love you if they got to know you. You're sweet and wonderful and thoughtful and amazing."
"I think you're describing yourself," he said, although I could see the tips of his ears turn red.
My head started to get a bit fuzzy and when I blinked, my eyelids stayed shut for a split second too long.
"I think the meds are kicking in," I told him.
"I'll be here the whole time," he promised.
I let my eyes close. I wasn't quite falling into sleep, but it helped with the dizziness.
After a few minutes, I heard someone else come in.
"It's time," they said.
Nathan squeezed my hand. I squeezed back weakly. He let go and they began wheeling me out.
I memorized his touch and carried it with me.
The hush of a quiet recovery ward was the first thing that registered. Soft voices, shuffling shoes, quiet beeps.
"Hey there, gorgeous," I heard someone say. "You awake?"
"Mmhm," I mumbled. I peeked my eyes open.
The most beautiful man I'd ever seen was hovering in front of me. Nathan. My boyfriend.
"Wow," I said. "You're really pretty."
"Talking about yourself again?" he teased.
I tried to shake my head back and forth and couldn't. My neck felt like rubber. "No, like, really pretty."
"Well, I think you're pretty, too," he replied with a stifled grin.
"Not pretty like a girl," I continued. "Pretty like… you. 'Cause you're really pretty."
He laughed and stroked my hair.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Um…" I took an inventory of my various aches. "Head feels woozy. I'm thirsty."
"I'm sorry," he said regretfully. "I don't think you're allowed fluids yet. And I can only be here for five minutes so I don't want to leave to track down a nurse and ask. You just got out of surgery a few hours ago."
"So that's why my chest hurts like hell."
He looked startled and began to stand up. "You're supposed to be on pain meds. Do you need more?"
"Maybe. But don't go."
He sat back down reluctantly.
I felt my eyes tear up. Nathan's concern returned.
"I'm going to find someone," he said.
"It's not that," I said, choking back tears. "My chest…"
"What is it?" he asked, turning panicky. "What's wrong?"
"I'm going to have a scar."
Nathan nodded. "Yeah, it might be a big one."
"It's going to be ugly. I'm going to be ugly."
His face softened in understanding.
"It's not going to be ugly," he said. "It's just going to be another part of you. It's going to show the world how strong you are."
"You think so?" I whispered.
"It's going to be beautiful," he said. "Just like every other part of you."