Chapter 17
Celine stared up at the ceiling fan, willing her brain to shut off so she could go to sleep. Parker slept soundly beside her in his portable crib, oblivious to the turmoil boiling over in her stomach.
Somehow, she’d managed to ignore Lane the rest of the day. But instead of taking pride in the accomplishment, shame heated her cheeks. She wasn’t a child—or hell, even a heartbroken teenager. She was a grown-ass woman who could handle her issues.
Especially for Parker’s sake.
Because as much as she didn’t want to admit it, Lane was right. If they wanted to be the best possible parents to Parker, she couldn’t let things get to her so easily. She needed to be a better example for her son on how to deal with emotions and tackle problems head on.
Starting tomorrow.
For now, she needed to close her eyes and get some rest before daylight appeared.
Heaving out a sigh, she turned to her side and pulled the sheet to her chin. She squeezed her eyes shut but it did nothing to quiet the frantic thoughts fighting for top billing in her mind.
Screw it. Maybe some warm milk would do the trick. At least it used to when she was a kid. She’d toddle into her mom’s room and Mom would hold her hand and take her to the kitchen. She’d heat up milk on the stove while she told Celine all about her day.
By the time the milk was drunk and her mom all talked out, she’d barely had enough energy to make it back to her bed, her mom tucking her in and kissing her forehead goodnight.
Smiling, she swung her legs over the edge of the mattress and found her robe. She might not have a ton of wonderful memories of her mom, but looking back, it was clear Lisa tried her best. Something she needed to remember now that she was a mother herself.
She chanced a quick peek at Parker—still sleeping—and grabbed the monitor before stepping into the hallway.
The soft runner hugged the bottoms of her feet, and her gaze lingered for a few beats on Lane’s closed bedroom door.
Erasing the distance between them would only take a few steps, but she wasn’t ready.
Tomorrow would be soon enough to clear the air.
With the memory of her and her mother rooted inside her, she bounded down the stairs and to the kitchen. Strategically placed night lights cast a warm glow on her path and created a comforting mood.
One that wasn’t often associated with the house of horrors where Lane grew up.
For his sake, she hoped he’d create new memories here. Create a real home that was his safe place to land instead of sending him running for his sanity.
If only he’d grabbed her hand and let her run with him.
She shook her head to chase away the wayward thought as she stepped into the kitchen. The hanging lights above the island combined with the brightness pouring from the open fridge.
Lane stood with his back to her, one arm hooked above the open refrigerator door and his focus fixed on what was inside. Muscles rippled across his bare shoulders. The gold necklace he always wore looped around his neck.
She almost swallowed her damn tongue.
Not having the energy to deal with the weird tension between them, she inched her way backward.
“You don’t have to leave.”
The deep rumble of Lane’s voice in the silent room shot her heart up her throat. With her hand pressed to her chest, she jumped. “How’d you know I was here?”
He glanced over his shoulder and grinned. “I always know when you’re around. You hungry?” He dipped his chin toward the fridge.
“I actually came down for some warm milk.”
Frowning, he pulled out a carton of milk and closed the door. “Can’t sleep?”
Even though her robe was secure around her thin sleep tank and shorts, she wrapped her arms around her middle. “No.”
He pulled a pot out of a cabinet by the stove and set it on the burner. “You still like it with a pinch of sugar?”
“You remember?”
“I remember everything.” A hint of sadness weighed down his words.
Oh boy.
“You like the sugar stirred in while it’s heating—on the stove and not in the microwave—then a sprinkle of cinnamon on top if you’ve had a bad day.”
The detail to her drink preference brought unexpected tears to her eyes. She cleared her throat to keep any emotion from clinging to her voice. “You don’t have to make it. Go back to finding your midnight snack and I’ll do it.”
“Nah, I got it. I wasn’t really hungry anyway.
Sit.” He turned the burner on low then slowly poured the milk into the pan.
As he stirred with one hand, he plucked a small bottle of cinnamon from the spice rack.
“If it were me, I’d top this off with something a little stronger, but we all have our vices. ”
The weight on her chest grew heavier by the second. She settled at the island and watched him, the tension between them dissipating like the steam floating into the air.
But as the tension dissolved, her need to discuss their argument grew. Better to get it over with now and wake up with a fresh start.
“About earlier,” she said, tracing the tip of her fingernail over the smooth granite.
Lane faced her with raised hands. “I shouldn’t have pressed you. You have every right to discuss things on your terms, in your time. Or hell, not at all. I can’t swoop in and fix everything because I feel guilty.”
“And what do you feel guilty about?”
His face fell along with his hands. “About the way I left you.”
“Which time?”
He winced. “Both. I have no excuse. I was an ass and I’m sorry.”
Twisting her lips to the side, she considered his apology. It might be long overdue, and he was right, there was no excuse. But if she was going to move on, she needed more.
“I need a reason. Just one. I need to know what made you change your mind and leave this town without me.” She sat straight, her spine stiff and chin lifted. The truth might land like a hard slap, but she’d be ready.
Lane lifted the handle of the pot and poured the warm milk into a mug. He added a few dashes of cinnamon then slid the drink her way. “I couldn’t risk hurting you.”
She couldn’t stop the burst of laughter that poured from her mouth. A soul-deep, gut-busting laugh doubled her over the surface of the island. When she got herself under control and straightened on her stool, she stared at Lane and every ounce of amusement left her system.
He watched her with wounded eyes. His mouth pressed in a straight line and the rigid set of his shoulders broadcasting his vulnerability.
“Oh,” she said. “You were serious?”
Nodding, he scrubbed a palm over his face. “I don’t know how else to explain it.”
Her jaw dropped and a flash of irritation climbed the back of her neck. “Well you better think of something because that’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”
Lane blinked at the harshness of her tone. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, come on,” Celine said and rolled her eyes. “You didn’t want to hurt me, so you broke my heart and left me crying on your porch? That doesn’t make an ounce of sense.”
He cringed then rounded the side of the island to take the stool beside her.
He’d wanted to have this conversation. Maybe he should have put more thought into how to explain himself.
If he and Celine were going to completely rehash this stuff, it wasn’t just about listening to her feelings. He had to give her closure.
Which meant answering whatever questions she threw at him a lot better than how he just did.
“I needed to get the hell out of this town. Away from my dad and everything he represented. I didn’t know if I’d make it out on the road, but I knew I had to try my hardest to make something of myself. I couldn’t focus all of me on that goal if I was worried about you.”
The flash of hurt in her eyes would have brought him to his knees if he’d been standing.
“I didn’t need you to worry about me,” she said.
“I needed you to love me. But apparently you didn’t, or at least not enough to give me a chance.
We’d been through so much together. You were my best friend, my first love.
And you dropped me like I was some clingy nuisance threatening to destroy your future. ”
“You wanted things I couldn’t give you. A home. A family. A picture-perfect life wrapped up in a shiny bow. I couldn’t give you any of that.”
“All I wanted was you.”
He absorbed the words but knew they weren’t true.
Knew she’d always wanted more than he thought he was capable of.
“I wouldn’t have been enough, especially back then.
I was a kid trapped in a nightmare. You got me through that.
Pushed me to want more—to want to be more.
But if I’d failed, if I’d fallen on my face with you watching from the stands, I’m not sure I could have stood back up. ”
With her lips pressed inward, she slowly nodded and sniffed back tears. “Wow, here I thought I made you better not kept you down.”
Before he could talk himself out of it, he captured her hand in his and squeezed. “You did. Hell, you still do. I just couldn’t try to be the man I needed to become and worry about how my choices affected you at the same time.”
“I guess that makes sense, but what about last year? When you laid in my bed and took my body. When you whispered promises of love and second chances then laughed when I talked about children. About a future I thought we’d lost. To wake up and find you gone…
” Her voice cracked, and she yanked back her hand.
His chest tightened at the memory. He’d thought he was so damn lucky to run into her that night only to be scared shitless by the things she wanted.
Things he thought himself incapable of providing.
“I blew it. Again. Seeing you brought back every feeling, every memory, every dream I’d carried with me since the day I left town.
But when you talked about kids and family and commitment, all I could imagine was the shit show I’d barely escaped.
I loved my life on the road—a life that was the complete opposite of what you wanted.
I knew I could ride the hell out of a bull, but being a father?
A husband? Sticking around in a town I thought I hated?
That seemed impossible. It was easier to walk away. ”
She huffed out a humorless laugh. “You mean it was easier for you.”
He swallowed any other excuse he could toss her way because she was right. “I was selfish and stupid.”
“And how do I know that hasn’t changed?”
The question hit him square in the chest, not only leaving a devastating ache but also echoing the fear he’d wrestled with his entire life.
“Because the second I saw Parker, the world shifted.”
A small smile lifted the corner of her mouth. “I understand that, but it still makes me sad.”
“Why?”
“Because I always thought I was the one who shifted your world.”
This time, the tears that filled her eyes gutted him to the core. He stood, erasing the distance between them and flattened his palms along her jawline. “You’re the one who’s always made my world stand still.”
She didn’t pull away, but she refused to meet his eyes. “A lot of good that did me. The world stopped but you kept on running.”
Skimming his fingers toward her chin, he lifted her face just enough so she couldn’t avoid him. “I ran to find myself. To grow up and figure out my shit. I’m sorry you were hurt in the process. But now, I’m done running and you’re still the one who holds my everything in the palm of your hand.”
Her eyes widened and she sucked in a sharp breath. “I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart again. Not after everything we’ve been through.”
He ignored the blinding pain that accompanied the idea of never being with Celine.
He’d burned her twice, and all he could do was be patient and keep showing up.
Let her see how much he wanted not just Parker, but her.
“I understand that. But trust me when I say I’m not going anywhere.
There’s nothing I want in this world more than you, and we both know what a stubborn ass I can be when it comes to getting what I want. ”
Grinning, she lifted her finger and gently touched the golden horn hanging from his neck. “Like I said before, some things never change.”
The feel of her skin on his bare chest sent ripples of excitement down his spine. His mouth went dry. He flicked his gaze to her full, pouty lips and swallowed hard.
She kept her eyes locked on his, the tip of her finger trailing to the scar on his shoulder. “What’s this from?”
“Let’s just say not all bull horns are as helpful as the one on my chain.”
Her grin fell, and she smoothed her hand over the puckered skin. “Is this what made you quit?”
“Nah,” he said, savoring the warmth of her body so close to his.
“You can’t see the injury that cost me my career, but the wounds you can’t see are often the hardest to heal.
But one thing I’ve learned is no matter how hard the fall or bad the pain, it won’t break me.
It’ll just push me to be better, and honey, there’s nothing that pushes me like you. ”
She drew in a shuddering breath. “I want to believe you.”
“You’ll see. I promise. But just because I’m sticking around and want us to be a family doesn’t mean I expect anything from you.
You’re calling the shots. With Parker, with us, with how you want to see our relationship going forward.
I won’t push. I’ll count every second you and Parker give me as a damn blessing. ”
“Can I ask you to do one thing for me?” Her tongue swiped over her bottom lip and set every nerve ending in his body on fire.
“You can ask whatever you want.”
“Will you kiss me?”
He didn’t waste a second, didn’t give her chance to change her mind. He molded his lips to hers and the heavens opened, the angels sang, and for the first time in forever he felt like he was truly home.