Chapter 15 Peace Graham #2
“After I gave birth to Serenity and Charity, I told Knowledge that I wanted to take a break from having children. Four children were a handful, and I wanted to make sure I could give you all my full attention. He agreed with me, but then I ended up getting pregnant with another little girl. Both of us were caught off guard because I was on birth control, but we assumed it must have been God’s will, so we embraced our new addition.
“Ophelia and Faith threw me a baby shower, and I was counting down the days until our baby would arrive. After we packed everything up, Knowledge ushered me to the car. We barely made it ten minutes down the road before we were hit by another car. When I woke up, they told me our little girl was born sleeping. It made no sense to me. I felt her kicking the whole day, so I couldn’t understand how she could be dead with no true explanation. ”
I squeezed her hand a little tighter as she began to get choked up. No parent should have to bury their children, and I sympathized with her pain.
“Your father and I both took it hard, and we had no idea how to grieve, so we ended up doing it separately. He went back to hustling as if nothing had happened, and I grew so resentful. It wasn’t fair that I was almost debilitated with grief, and he was out partying with his friends.
We tried to get pregnant again, thinking it would help heal what was broken.
Instead, it only broke my heart more. Every miscarriage was a reminder that my body couldn’t do the one thing I was made for.
Create life. My depression grew worse and worse, but I ignored it because there were still four children who needed me.
There was no time for weakness, so I pretended to be okay. ”
“Your father was a ladies’ man, so I had been through my fair share of other women trying to get his attention.
There were times when he denied their advances, but I wasn’t stupid enough to believe he was denying them all.
When he told me about Peace and her mother, I was devastated.
Not only had your father cheated on me, but he created life with someone else. ”
“I was furious, and I couldn’t control my emotions.
We got in so many fights during that time, and he would always assure me that I was the only woman he would ever love.
I loved your father, and I desperately wanted to believe he meant everything he said.
After all, he was a knight and shining armor and the only person who truly cared about me. ”
“When we found out we were pregnant with Honesty, the doctors placed me on bed rest right away. I was so worried she wouldn’t make it that I developed severe anxiety.
Knowledge swore he would be there for me, but I could tell his attention was split.
When Renay came to the house to confront me, I felt like we were going through the same thing all over again.
We ended up having a scare, and I was admitted to the hospital for several days.
I told him he needed to choose between them and us.
I had no right to do that, but I was in my feelings.
” Her eyes focused on me when she spoke the last part.
“It wouldn’t be fair to blame it on my age because I was old enough to know better.
The truth was that I wasn’t ready to give up on my family.
Even though he hurt me, I believed he loved me, and he wanted our family to work.
The idea of losing him was unfathomable because this was the person who gave me a new and better life.
How could I let go and give up on the person who saved me? That’s what I kept telling myself.”
“Knowledge tried to hide it, but it killed him to be away from you. I would often catch him staring at photos of you. My jealousy and hurt got in the way, and instead of putting my pride aside, I watched him grieve the relationship he had with you. I’m sure it probably won’t make a difference now, but that was one of the hardest choices your father ever made.
He tried to make up for it by sending you money, but it wasn’t the same.
It doesn’t excuse either of our behaviors, and for that I am truly sorry.
I never considered how my anger and bitterness would affect you, and I kept the secret out of shame.
I’m sorry that I didn’t love myself enough to make better choices.
I’m sorry you were forced to live without your father’s love or your siblings.
I robbed you of an experience you can’t get back, and I understand if you never forgive me. Truthfully, I don’t deserve it.”
“What I do want is for you and your siblings to build a relationship. I believe there is a reason you came into our lives the way you did, and I want you to have all of the love I kept from you. This family has helped me heal in many ways, and I believe you are the missing piece to make us completely whole.”
Words failed me as I stood there with our hands interlocked.
I wanted to be angry because of what they did, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to hate her.
My father made a choice, and as much as it hurt to know he didn’t choose me, it wouldn’t change the facts.
When I glanced around the room and saw all of the tears and emotions, I realized that she was right.
God placed me back here for a reason, and I would only hurt myself if I chose to hold onto old pain.
Promise, and I deserved to have a family, and they made it clear they wanted us to be a part of them.
“We weren’t aware of your existence before, but we are now. We understand you might need some time to work through your feelings, but we are here whenever you’re ready for us.” My oldest brother, Rule, affirmed.
“I don’t know what to say. I—” Tears blurred my vision as I looked to the ceiling.
In that moment, I wished Dreaux were there.
He must have sensed that I needed him because when I looked up, he was heading in my direction.
His arm wrapped around me as he kissed my temple.
The simple act instantly calmed me down and made me feel protected.
He used his hand to wipe my tears before I continued to speak.
“When I came back to Jonah Hills, I wasn’t sure what the reason was. I told myself that it was to get a fresh start and to be closer to where my mother was born. When Dreaux asked me about my family, I realized there was a part of me that hoped I would finally get answers to all my questions.”
“I appreciate you all for being welcoming because I had no expectations. My mother refused to tell me much about my origin, and I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t hurt to know my existence caused pain to others.
I’m not here to cause drama or reopen old wounds, and I’m not going to pressure anyone to be in my life unless it’s what you want as well.
I’m a little emotional, so I’m having trouble expressing myself the way I’d like, but I do appreciate your apology, Mrs. Elantra.
I’m sure rehashing the past wasn’t easy for you, but it gave me the insight I needed. ”
Mrs. Elantra gave me a hug and whispered in my ear that she had something for me and that she would be in touch soon. Messiah and Rule came over and hugged me.
“I’ll be calling your ass soon so you can come have dinner with Yaya and me.
You’d better answer the phone before I have to kidnap your ass.
I promised I wouldn’t do that shit anymore after I tossed Yaya’s ass in the trunk.
” Messiah warned. I loved the fact that Messiah was such a layered individual.
He was normally a jokester, but it was clear family meant a lot to him.
“What our brother is trying to say is that we want to spend time with you so we can get to know you,” Rule interjected.
Finding out your brother is also a superstar that you have fanned over for years was such an interesting experience.
My friends and I went to a few of his concerts and screamed until our voices were hoarse.
“You ready to go?” Dreaux whispered in my ear.
“I don’t want to ruin your night. I’m okay.” It wasn’t the complete truth, but I didn’t want to be a party pooper.
“Listen to me real good. Fuck this party. I know that was a lot for you, so if you need a moment to get some air, then we can go. I would much rather spend the rest of my night with you and Promise anyway. Just say the word. I’ll pack our plates, and we can chill at my crib,” he insisted.
“If you don’t mind, I want to go.”
“Do you want to say goodbye to everyone, or do you want to head to the car while I get our stuff? I’m down with whatever you want to do.
” His willingness to stand behind me warmed my heart.
Dreaux might have been rough around the edges, but his heart was kind.
He protected the people he cared about, and I was honored to be a part of that group.
I decided to say my goodbyes to make sure everyone knew I was okay.
Messiah made it clear that he would be visiting me soon.
Rule also made plans for when he came back home, which made me feel welcome.
I always wondered what it would be like to have older brothers, and now I would finally get the chance to experience it.
Whenever we had girls’ night, all the ladies talked about the way their men loved them.
They shared the typical ups and downs of being in a relationship, but it was nothing compared to what I was used to.
No cheating, lying, or outside babies. Their biggest gripes were schedule conflicts and leaving the toilet seat up.
At first, I thought they might be hiding their real issues since I was still new to the group, but the more time I spent with the Grahams, the more fascinated I became.