Chapter 15 Peace Graham #3
They were human, so flaws were inevitable, but they made me realize I had never witnessed healthy love before.
Toxicity was all I knew, and I assumed it was what most relationships consisted of.
Most of the women I grew up around were either being cheated on or abused.
That was why I thought Chop was so special, because he never put his hands on me.
Watching these black men love their women wholeheartedly and out loud was such a healing experience.
After we said our goodbyes and headed home, I found myself spacing out as I replayed the events at the house.
My feelings toward my father remained conflicted.
Learning the truth gave me insight, but I couldn’t say whether it helped or hurt the situation.
What sucked more than anything was the fact that I couldn’t talk to him.
I would never have the opportunity to look him in the eye and tell him all the ways his absence hurt me.
When we made it inside the house, I changed Promise, and Dreaux got her ready for bed. She had her own room at his home, and she never let anyone forget it.
Dreaux started the shower for me and set out some clothes for me to change into once I finished.
The moment I stepped inside the shower, it was as if the water triggered something inside of me.
I let out a sob that shook my entire body.
I tried to hold it inside, but I couldn’t anymore.
My tears mixed with the water as I released everything within my soul.
The pain in my heart manifested itself in a physical form as I doubled over and dropped to the shower floor.
I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in them.
I cried until my voice went hoarse, and all I could do was whimper.
At some point, Dreaux entered the bathroom, but no words were spoken.
He pulled the shower door back and climbed inside.
I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes because I felt so weak.
When he met me, I was broken, and I hated that there were still parts of me that were.
For some reason, I thought he wouldn’t be interested in me if I wasn’t strong, so I tried my best to put on a brave face around him.
In that moment, I could no longer wear my mask, and I wondered what he thought of me.
Dreaux lifted my body from the shower floor and stood me in front of him.
My back was against his chest as we allowed the water to pour down on us.
His arms were wrapped around my waist with his chin resting in the crook of my neck.
My body relaxed in his arms. It was like my heart and body knew he was safe.
After he washed both of us, we lingered there a while longer.
When we made it back to his bedroom, I sat on the edge of the bed while he rubbed me down with lotion.
The moment wasn’t sexual, but it was intimate.
Dreaux didn’t need to tell me he cared because his actions told me he would protect me from anything.
I slipped into one of his t-shirts and climbed into bed with him. I rested my head on his chest while he smoked his nighttime blunt. He claimed it cleared his mind and helped him sleep better. His fingers raked through my hair, causing my eyes to grow heavy.
“You want to hit this?”
I lifted my head to see him holding his blunt out to me. Dreaux knew I didn’t smoke. He teased me about it often because I told him about the time I tried an edible and almost ended up naked in a stranger’s pool. He swore regular weed wasn’t the same, but I was too afraid to test his theory.
“No, I’m good.” I returned to my original position on his chest.
“How are you feelin’ about tonight? Messiah and Rule hit me up a minute ago to make sure you were alright.
I know it was a lot to take in, but I’m proud of you for listening.
The truth ain’t always an easy pill to swallow, and even though none of that shit was your fault, I know it didn’t feel good to hear. ”
I shifted so I could look him in the eyes. He was so handsome, it should have been a crime. My eyes focused on his juicy, pink lips, and I almost forgot what we were talking about.
“Focus, lil’ mama,” he smirked while blowing smoke into the air.
Even that simple action turned me on. His eyebrow raised, letting me know he was waiting for me to respond.
Honestly, I would have rather discussed global warming, but maybe that was my problem.
I ran away from anything that made me uncomfortable.
“I don’t know how to feel. When I came out here, I wondered what it would be like to find my real family, but I never expected it to happen.
On one end, I’m excited to build a relationship with my people.
Then there’s the other part that wishes I could go back to being in the dark.
My momma was a side chick, and my daddy was a hoe.
I’m not sure how to feel about it,” I admitted.
“I understand where you’re coming from, but that’s life.
We are a product of our parents. As fucked up as the situation may have been, that ain’t yo’ burden to carry.
You should never have been penalized for their mistakes, but it happened.
Now, it’s time for you to decide what’s best for you.
Everybody wants to get to know you, and I believe this is your opportunity to have the family you always wanted.
I’ve known your family most of my life, and they are solid.
You and Promise deserve to know what it’s like to have a family. ”
Promise was one of the biggest reasons I wanted this to work. Especially after the way things played out with Chop and his family. I wanted to give her the family dynamic I never had growing up.
“I think you’re right. I’m still working through my issues with Knowledge, but I don’t want to let it get in the way of building with my siblings.
I used to want to know what it would be like to have big family reunions and cookouts like my friends.
It was one of the reasons I stayed with Chop for so long because his family was bigger than mine, and they treated me like I belonged. ”
“Pussy ass nigga,” Dreaux grumbled.
“You said that like you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George,” teased.
“What?” The frown on Dreaux’s face made me laugh when I realized I was talking to a street nigga and not my friends. Ciyani and I were always saying quotes from the movie Mean Girls.
“Nothing.” I climbed on top of him, straddling his waist.
“I wouldn’t sit up there if I were you,” Dreaux warned.
“Why not? You were talking about that shit at the party. What changed?” I pouted because sex would have been the perfect distraction after the night I had.
“You ain’t ready for the shit that comes with me.”
“How do you know?” My arms were folded in frustration because he kept sending me mixed signals. One minute, he was all over me, and the next, he was acting as if I were an inexperienced child.
“You’re too innocent for a nigga like me.
You’re naive to the real world and how dangerous it can be.
You still want to see the good in everybody when, in reality, some of the biggest snakes you’ll ever encounter will be the closest mothafuckas in your circle.
You should know that better than anybody because you let that nigga play you and get you hemmed up on some bullshit ass charges.
He let you take the fall because he knew you weren’t strong enough to go against him. ”
My feelings were hurt by his reasoning, but I tried not to let it show. I told Dreaux about my past in confidence. I never expected him to throw my mistakes back in my face.
“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about.
I hurt your feelings, and instead of calling me out and telling me I had you fucked up, you ain’t say shit.
You’re not built for my world, lil mama.
I’m a blunt ass mothafucka, and I don’t know how to spare someone’s feelings.
If you don’t know how to stand up for yourself, then I’ll walk all over you.
I deal with enough fake shit in the streets, I can’t have anybody around me who doesn’t know how to stand up for themselves. ”
I lifted my leg to move off of him, but he held me in place.
“Naw, this is your problem. Open your mouth and say how you feel. Stop letting people hurt you or take things from you without pushing back. You’re acting like a weak bitch.”
“I’m not a weak bitch!”
“Then act like it! This world will chew you up and spit you out if you let it. You should never feel comfortable allowing anyone to treat you less than what you deserve. Myself included.”
Everything he said was the truth, but it sucked to hear.
As much as I wanted to run from the truth, I couldn’t.
My inability to find my voice and stand up for myself was the reason why I had gone through so much bullshit.
To truly move on from the past, I needed to face the truth for what it was.
I was weak, and the people around me used it to my advantage.
It was time for me to find my voice and become a better version of myself.
“You’re right.”
“I usually am. Some might even call it a gift.” He shrugged, taking one last puff from his blunt.
I rolled my eyes at his arrogant ass. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know how to spare people’s feelings. He gave it to you straight with no chaser, and I was still learning how to adjust to him.
“Yeah, whatever. You’re an asshole. You just happen to be a fine one,” I quipped. I slid off of him, and he didn’t hold me back that time. When I got out of bed, he sat up with his eyebrows furrowed.
“Wait. Where are you going? Don’t tell me you’re mad at me.”
“No, I’m not mad. I’m going to the other guest room so I can use my toy. I’m tired and horny. Since you don’t want to fuck me, I’m gonna fuck myself.” I shrugged, feeling a new sense of boldness taking over me.
“You wild as hell for admitting that shit. I meant what I said, though. You ain’t ready for me. Hell, I don’t even think I’m ready for your ass either.” I appreciated his honesty, but I couldn’t pretend it didn’t sting.
“Goodnight. I hope you toss and turn all night and have the worst night’s sleep, asshole.”
“I love you, too, lil’ mama!”
My momma used to tell me that the people who care about you the most are the ones who tell you the truth, even when they know it might hurt.
I didn’t understand what she meant back then, but as I got older, I appreciated all of the gems she gave me.
She may have been flawed, but her love wasn’t.
Even after hearing the story of her relationship with my father, I realized why she preached to me about choosing the right people and never settling for less.
I failed the lesson a time or two, but I was determined to learn from every mistake. It was all a part of the journey.