Chapter 44 #2
I knock, and she grumbles. I accept it as an invitation to enter.
She lies elevated with her eyes closed, her damp blonde hair falling over her shoulders. I take her in, and after everything I just learned, all I see is beauty and strength beyond compare. Love for her swells, threatening to overwhelm me.
I blink a few times, pulling myself together and activating all defenses. Tracker is right. There is no one like her, and I want her for myself. But only if she’ll let me.
I move toward her. One eye cracks open, then quickly the other, and it’s clear she wasn’t expecting me.
I’m confident in what I want, and I need her to know that.
She lies perfectly still as I lean down and press my lips to her forehead. I hold it for only a moment, breathing her in and relishing the warmth of her skin.
“Where’s Tracker?” Her voice is tight.
I pull away, giving her space, but not too much. “Not sure.” It’s not a complete lie. He could be anywhere.
I meet her eyes. It’s the stony, closed-off gaze I’ve grown to recognize. I’m not intimidated.
I’ve kissed and held this woman. She’s trusted me enough to let me comfort her and has fallen asleep with her head on my chest. That hasn’t happened with anyone else because she feels safe with me. I want her to know she’s safe to be afraid with me, too.
She can throw on whatever kind of armor she wants. I want more of that.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, trying to remain unaffected by her distance.
“I’m fine.”
“You needed a little more than superglue this time,” I joke, but it pings off her shield.
I sit on the edge of the bed, wanting to be close to her and for her to see that I’m right here. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life than when—”
“Well, it’s all over now,” she says, dismissing it.
“Ryder, you saved my life. You took that bullet for me.”
Her eyes drop to the sheet. “Is that why you’re here? To thank me? I was doing my job.”
“Technically, you were no longer on the clock. You moved out, remember?” I stare into those cold, hard blue-green eyes. I love her so damn much. “This was more than a job. You were more than my protection agent. Ryder, I—”
“Stop.” She holds out her hand. “It’s done now. You’re safe to get back to football and go on with your life.”
Damn.
She’s not going to make this easy. I drop into the chair next to her bed, planting myself. She may not know it yet, but I can be just as stubborn.
“I don’t want to just get back to football or my life, at least not the way it was. I’m making some changes.” I reach for her hand, fiddling with the sheet, and she pulls it away. “Wherever I go from here, I want you with me.”
“I can’t be a part of your life.” Her voice is only a touch softer.
I lean closer. “You’ve been a part of it for a while now.”
“It was my job. You’ll stay in your wealthy, cozy little world where people bend to your whim, and I’m going back to mine.”
Her first fast punch, but I remain calm.
“Don’t do that. Don’t reduce me to my bank account or my profession.”
Her eyes drag up to mine, completely unfazed by my casualness.
“I have money and fame and people who love me. I won’t discount that. But I’m done with letting people limit me to their expectations or standards. I’m also no longer blind to the kind of world that exists outside of my luxury.”
She huffs. “People like you don’t belong with people like me. You have no idea what this world is really like, and you should keep it that way.”
I pause, giving her a second before I say what I really want to.
I move an inch closer. “I know you’re scared.”
Her mouth hardens, her gaze so fierce it might crack the wall.
“I’m scared, too, Ryder, but I’ve never wanted to let anyone in until you.”
Her chin lifts. “You only think this because you’ve never given anyone else a chance.
You’ve been hiding in a game, so you don’t have to face that someone, or this world, might disappoint you.
I’m just the casualty outside of your sophisticated world that forced you to see that something else exists. ”
Ugh. That hurts.
Everything Tracker trusted me with replays at double speed.
“You’re right.” I lean forward, resting my arms on my knees. “It wasn’t until you bulldozed into my place and my life that I realized how fucking blind I’ve been.”
Her gaze shoots to mine, and my fingers burn with the need to reach for her hand, but I resist.
“I have been hiding. But I couldn’t hide from you, could I?”
She turns her head away, staring out the window.
“I’ve spent my life afraid of letting down the one man I could never disappoint.” I shake my head. “Always focused. Never relaxed, hoping to earn my place and gain their respect. It was easier than facing how lonely I’ve always been.”
There it is. My pathetic truth.
“But my dad would be disappointed with how I’ve been living. I know better. I’ve seen how short life can be.” I swallow, a fuzzy flicker of my mom clapping and smiling coasts through my mind.
“It’s been easier to put my head down, drowning everything else out with a game, too damn scared to lose someone else I love.” I huff a laugh, knowing I almost lost her last night. “I have everything a man could want.”
I drag my eyes from my hands to her. “Except I’m learning I don’t really have much of anything at all.”
I pause before finally admitting the last of it.
“I’ve never allowed myself to see anything outside of a hundred yards and what it will take to get to the next win. . .until you.”
I reach for her hand again, and this time, she doesn’t pull away. Tentatively, I lace my fingers with hers, and she stares at our joined hands.
“Ryder, I’m not sure what my life looks like outside of football because I’ve never had one, but you already know that. I think it’s time for me to figure that out. The only thing I know for sure is that I—”
“Don’t.” She squeezes her eyes shut, tugging her hand away and fisting the sheet.
Desperation begins to worm its way in, surrounding my chest. “Ryder, I—”
“Cole.” The way she says my name tells me to brace myself.
Her eyelids drop into a fierce glare. “You want your family, friends, your team, and fans to know that you spend your time with a former drug addict? Someone who sold herself by the hour for a quick buck and her next high. Whose body was diseased and damaged. The things I’ve done.
. .people can’t stomach to read about, let alone see.
You’ll need more than a name and superficial game to hide that sick shit. ”
I breathe, letting her words bounce off without even a flinch. This may be how she sees herself. She may think I’ll turn away, but she’s wrong. I see a warrior who bears scars, and I’ll kiss every single one.
The muscle in her jaw flexes. “I am all of those things and worse, and now I kill the people who make those things true. That is all I will ever be.” Her eyes dare me. “Think about it. What will people say? Even the best PR team couldn’t pull the perfect Cole Matthews back from those headlines.”
The force of those words could knock me on my ass, but I don’t move an inch. Her chest moves in and out quickly, and my entire body constricts.
“You need to go now.” It’s only a whisper. “You don’t belong here.”
It’s a spear straight through my already bleeding heart, but I won’t let her fear win.
“Look at me.”
I see her face as I lean over her, groaning in pain, begging her to hang on. Her lifting Matt into my backseat. Her smile. I can feel her in my arms, resting against me like she doesn’t want me to ever let go.
I just need her to hold tight now—to stay with me until I can make her see that she’s still safe with me. She always will be.
“Please go.” Her voice quivers, and she presses her eyes closed, fighting it.
My throat aches and swells. “Ryder, look at me. I’m not leaving until you do.”
I wait until her eyes finally meet mine, red and filled with so much pain I’d give anything to wipe away.
“I’ll go, but before I do, I want you to hear me.
” I lean forward, sliding my hands around her face to be sure she hears every word.
“You can push me away and shut me out, but I’m here, and I’m staying.
I want you. All of you. All of the hurt and the pain.
All of the things you just described, I’ll carry those when they are too heavy and hold you through them.
They don’t scare me. Not even a little bit. ”
It’s the only time I’ll force her to not turn away.
“I want you, Ryder, and all that makes you who you are. The beauty and the pain. Every smile and smart-ass comment. Any touch you will allow. All of your nightmares and flashbacks. Every deep, dark, horrific piece that you won’t allow anyone near.
I want those. And I won’t turn away. Ever. ”
Her eyes glisten with tears, and she does her damnedest not to blink them away. I don’t even try, mine dripping onto her chest.
“I love you. And I’m going to keep on loving you, so you’re just going to have to get used to it.”
Her eyes flick between mine, and I know she’s holding her breath, strangling every emotion, so I spill the last of it.
“I would feel nothing but honor and pride to be able to show the entire world just how much.”
I hold her gaze for one more second, then release her. I stand and head toward the door, giving her the space I know she needs.
I tug it open, but turn to face her again. “Push as hard as you want to get me to stop. I’ve spent my life learning how to keep climbing back to my feet, no matter how much it hurts. It’ll be a hell of a lot easier climbing together.”
She closes her eyes, and I stare at her one second longer. The bravest woman I will ever know.
I slip out the door, leaving her. . .for now.
Tracker is right. Not many people could handle loving her, but I can. Maybe that’s why it’s taken so long for me to want to love someone. Maybe I was saving it all up for her.