Chapter 47
RYDER
“Ooohhh, look.” Jos turns her phone screen toward Lyla.
Lyla’s mouth curves downward in a sappy, sad face.
“Let me see.” Van leans over the side of the couch.
I stare at my puzzle, working the last four squares to beat my record time.
All three of their phones buzz simultaneously. There’s a collective hushed gasp, followed by those puppy dog faces.
“What the hell is going on?” I shove my pencil into my messy bun, but wince when pain shoots through my shoulder at the quick movement.
“None of your business,” Jos says. “You lost privileges when you turned into a hermit crab that only comes out to groan, gripe, and scavenge for food.”
“I got shot. . .in the shoulder. . .by a bullet. I think I’m entitled to a little complaining and time to rest and recover. That requires food.”
“Does getting shot entitle you to be a complete idiot who stands in your own way of true happiness? Instead, you’re settling for a secluded life and living in the sweatshirt of a man who loves you.
” Van says it so eloquently that it almost doesn’t sound like an attack.
“You do realize that eventually, he’ll be forced to move on and find someone else to be moderately happy with. ”
I stare at her, but all three of them stare back, waiting as if I’ll answer. “What is your guys’ problem?”
Jos’s head falls to the side. “I don’t know.
Maybe we’re sick to death of all this moping when the simple cure is you pulling your head out of your butt and talking to The Assignment.
” She jabs a finger at me. “And if I have to hear “Die With A Smile” one more time, I’m getting Bruno involved.
He should be warned that his songs are being used as a coping mechanism for emotionally immature dumbassness. ”
“Oh, someone please help me.” I drop my head against the back of the couch. “We’ve been through this collectively and separately. First, can we please call him Cole? And second, I can’t be—”
Their phones buzz, and they all check them, their faces doing that thing again. The tap, tap, tapping begins, eyes glued to their screens.
“Who is texting you?!” My new, increased level of irritation and agitation spikes a little higher.
“No,” Jamie throws a hand up. “I’m usually on your side, but this. . . It’s gone too far. All your lame excuses and absurd ideas about what Cole needs are getting really old. Until you stop this complete nonsense, I’m not talking to you.” She turns her body away, shunning me.
“Oh, for real,” I groan.
“Nicely said.” Jos fist bumps Jamie’s shoulder. “I like it when your redhead comes out.” She looks at me. “You can let us know when you’re done being a dipshit. Until then, you get no information from us. Have fun living in your shell and snapping at yourself.”
They press their lips together and get back to their phones.
“What information?” I’m trying really hard to be patient, but they are testing my limits.
“It’s only been thirty seconds. Does this mean you’re done now?” Lyla asks as if she’s talking to a toddler in time-out.
“You guys! I am doing this to protect him.”
“No. You’re doing this to protect yourself,” Lyla says oh-so-calmly. “He sent you flowers, gave you that number puzzle book, and his sweatshirt that you won’t take off even to wash. I’m sure it’s beginning to smell.” Her petite nose scrunches.
That’s because it might not smell like him anymore.
I stealthily lift it and inhale to check.
She avoids looking at me. “He’s messaged you almost daily despite you being a total jerk and not responding. He’s declared his love for you, and let’s not forget. . . ” She stabs me with her beautiful dark eyes. “That you are totally in love with him, too. What the hell more do you want?”
I glare at her. “You know what I want,” I say through gritted teeth because we have been through this. “I want him to have the life that he deserves, which includes a wife and kids and someone who doesn’t tote a shit ton of baggage into every situation.”
I breathe. “He lives his life in front of the entire world. He deserves someone who isn’t going to show up with a black eye or stab wounds.
Someone he can show affection and touch and who.
. .smiles.” My body slumps a little. “Someone who’s easy to love and doesn’t want to run whenever things get just a little uncomfortable. ”
“But that’s just it.” It’s Van’s I’m-going-to-back-your-ass-into-the-wall tone.
Shit.
I press into the couch.
“I think he’s made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want those things. He wants you.” She stands and then plops on the couch next to me, unlocking her phone like she’s presenting evidence.
I push out an exasperated breath.
“Look,” she shoves her phone in front of my face. “What do you see?”
Her screen fills with a video inside the Stingrays’s stadium, where women decorated in team colors line the railing, hoping to catch the players’ eyes. Most likely Cole’s.
“Just look. We all know he could have any of them,” Van points out.
“Heck, he could have any model, athlete, actress. . . ” Lyla adds.
“But he doesn’t want them, Ry.” Van is closing her case. “He wants you.”
A burn ignites in my throat.
“You’re the one who should be at his game today. Not the glam squad looking to land five minutes of NFL-girlfriend-fame,” Jos tosses out.
“I love him,” I admit softly through the damn tears forming in my eyes. “I want him to be happy and have everything. I don’t want any of this to touch him and remain safe from what I can never be free of.”
Jamie finally turns toward me. “Ry, no one needs to be protected from you.” Her voice cracks on the last word.
I shake my head. “He does. He’ll want a family and—”
“Look at us,” Jos says. “We’re just a group of lost girls, but now we’re sisters.
A family isn’t always white picket fences, immaculately kept homes with two parents and two kids.
Sometimes, it’s a rented house with mismatched posts, kids fighting in the front yard, and two people sitting on a worn-down swing, damn grateful for what they never thought they’d have. ”
I glare at her, thinking about Cole’s tiny, understated cabin.
“If you can tell us that just being near him doesn’t make all that hurt more tolerable, we’ll drop it. . .for good,” Jamie says and then sniffs, wiping her nose.
Jos holds up her hand. “Let me remind you that your ship will be sunk if you even try to lie to us.”
Their phones buzz again, and I swipe at a tear with my sleeve.
“Ry, look,” Van puts her phone in front of me again, and it’s a picture of Cole squatting down on the sideline with.
. .Matt, a small, tentative smile pulling at the corners of his lips.
Van swipes, and the next is of them fist-bumping.
Another of him showing Matt his helmet. Then, the two of them stare straight at me as Cole kneels beside him.
“See. None of it matters to him,” Van says quietly.
“He’s standing on the field with a little boy you plucked from hell.
A kid who doesn’t like to be touched and wakes in the middle of the night screaming.
His smile is rare, and his words are even rarer.
Would you tell Mattie that he doesn’t deserve Cole’s love?
Would you tell him to turn away and run to keep Cole from seeing any of those things? ”
I stare at his face on the screen, and my eyes sting with the truth. Mattie is exactly where he should be. With a man who is safe and makes all the hurt and pain that never go away more. . .bearable. No. His love makes it momentarily disappear.
I lean forward, all the tears I’ve never let fall break free.
“If you’d quit being a dummy, you’d be there, too,” Jos says, but her voice is tender.
I blink through the mess on my face as they wipe their eyes.
I use the cuff of my sleeve to soak it all up. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” It comes out like a gutted whine.
“Get your ass together and go tell him you’re done being stupid and are ready to love him back,” Jos says.
“Yeah, just like that.” I scoff.
The room goes silent, and they all stare at me.
“Seriously?”
“Uh, yes. You’ve made The Assignment wait long enough,” Lyla says with a glossy-eyed smile.
“Hurry up. Shower and get yourself looking a little less like a depressed mess. If he sees you all unkept, he’s likely to change his mind,” Van orders, shooing me off the couch.
“I’ll have my Uber drop you off at the stadium,” Lyla says.
I turn back. “You’re dropping me off?”
“Good plan,” Jos says, and Ly winks.
“No more running, Ry!” Jamie’s sweet voice hollers after me. “It’s time to explore what happiness is all about.”
Explore.
That fucking word.
I step into my room and close the door. My stomach swirls with nerves and a whole lot of anticipation.
All I see is Cole smiling with that little boy who’s no different than me. He gave him a gift he knew would matter simply because he could. He’s helping him just like he always helped me when I asked. Even when I told him to go away and that I didn’t want him. He did so because he loves me.
My eyes burn with tears again. These girls are right. I’ve been a complete idiot, and I’ve hurt him. Now, it’s time to be honest and hope that maybe he’ll still want me. . .just like this.