Chapter 48
COLE
I hold out my fist, and Matt bumps it with his. “Thank you for coming today. I think you brought us good luck.”
He smiles, and it’s a bit wobbly, as if he’s testing it out for the first time.
“Thanks for getting us passes.” Hope leans to hug me. “This is something we’ll never forget. Will we?” she smiles at him.
“Thanks,” Tracker says, offering his hand. “It was a hell of a game.”
I extend mine in return. “If only we played like that earlier in the season.” We finally got our shit together. Even T-Bone was in the zone.
“You hanging in there?” Tracker asks.
I nod. “I’m ready for a break. I have some decisions to sort through, so we’ll see what next season brings.”
“Will you come see me?” Matt’s soft, tentative voice comes from below.
I squat in front of him. “I’ll be gone for a little while, but I’ll stop by before I go, and I promise I’ll come see you when I get back. Make sure you’re getting your fingers on the laces, ok?”
He nods, tucking back into Hope as I stand.
Tracker runs a hand over his scruffy jaw. “She’s never made things easy.” He grips my shoulder. “Just. . .take good care of yourself.”
We exit the friends and family area, and I wind through the stadium to the private parking lot. My body is sore, and my mind is tired. I want to go home and finish packing so I can get out of here and start figuring out what’s next.
I’m not giving up on Ryder, but I can’t sit around watching my phone, hoping she’ll respond or call.
I push out into the cool evening air, and the sun is just beginning to set. I slip my phone from my pocket.
I tap the Messages app, then her name. I start typing, then stop, wanting to be sure I get it right.
I look up, and my steps falter, seeing her leaning against my car. She’s in jeans and her leather jacket. Sunglasses cover her eyes, but I know she sees me when she pushes off my car and stands tall.
As much as I want to run to her, I keep my stride steady, taking my time. I’ve waited weeks to talk to her, and now that she’s here, I’m unsure what to say.
I watch her shoulders rise with a deep inhale and then fall. I stop in front of her, my nerves flinging themselves to the surface. I’m tempted to lift her Aviators to see her eyes and whatever they hold.
“Hi.” I’ve got nothing else as I take her in, so freaking happy to see her, but keeping a tight grip on that joy until I know why she’s here.
“Hi.” Her voice is soft, and she pulls the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth.
“It’s. . .really good to see you.” I ease into whatever this is. “How’s your shoulder?”
She’s not wearing a sling, so I assume it’s healing.
“It’s ok. Just a little scratch.”
I smile, and she rolls her lips to hide her own.
Her face falls toward the ground, and my stomach squeezes tight.
I glance, surveying the parking lot, and frown. “How did you get in?”
She nods toward the exit. “Lyla dropped me off, and. . .Gus let me through.”
“Gus,” I say a bit forcefully, and one side of her mouth ticks.
A loud chorus erupts behind us, and it’s T-Bone and his gang climbing onto a party bus.
“Can we. . .get out of here?” I ask, really wanting to take this somewhere private. “This place should be secure, but I’ve learned differently.”
She leans to see around me. “Uh. . .sure.”
“Come on.” I extend my hand, and with only a moment of hesitation, she takes it. Her palm is a little sweaty, and it’s comforting.
I lead her to the passenger side of my new SUV and open the door. “How did you know this was my car?”
“Gus.”
I huff out a laugh. “Right.” I toss my bag in the back and climb into the driver’s seat.
The silence is filled with a nervous energy as I exit the parking lot. “Ok if we go to my apartment? Or we could—”
“That’s fine.” Her answer comes out quick and sharp.
I pull through security, passing fans crowding the gate, and so many words float between us, yet nothing is quite ready to be said. So, I wait.
We ride the twenty minutes in almost complete silence, and it feels hopeful. She wouldn’t show up to tell me to leave her alone again, would she?
My heart rate picks up at the thought, but when I glance at her beside me, it settles right back down.
I park in the garage, and we ride the elevator, then step into my apartment, where boxes line the wall. Ryder remains just inside the door.
“You’re leaving?” Her question is filled with surprise, but also something that sounds like disappointment.
The hope I’ve been hanging onto perks.
“I’m selling it.” I glance around. “It’s never felt like home.” Except when you were here. “I wasn’t happy. I need to make some changes, and it seemed a good place to start.”
“Where are you going?” Her voice is softer now.
I stare at her, wanting to answer, but also. . . “Ryder, why are you here?” My stomach spirals as I wait for an answer.
She peeks up at me, but her gaze drops to her hands, which are ever at the ready in front of her. “I. . .didn’t thank you for saving my life.”
I frown.
That’s why she’s here?
Something pinches quick and fast right in the center of my chest.
I shake my head. “Ryder, I’d do—”
“I miss you.”
My head snaps up at her quick words.
“I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’ll probably do it again, but. . .I miss you. So much.”
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, her gaze roaming the room, but then those turquoise eyes find mine. “See, when I’m with you, all of the pain goes. . .just a little bit numb.”
My entire body relaxes with relief.
She straightens, her full attention on me, and I know she’s being brave. “I got used to sleeping at night, and when I couldn’t feel you near. . . ” She pushes her hair behind her ear. “Being with you, it might truly be the only time in my life I’ve felt safe.”
I step closer, wanting to reach for her but giving her time.
She watches me so closely.
“You will always be safe with me,” I promise, needing her to hear it again.
She shoves her hands in her pockets, her stance stiffening again. “You don’t know all of me. What I went through. The things I’ve done. The things I had to do.”
I watch her force it all away, and I hate it.
“So much of me is damaged. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m screwed up, and I don’t want any of it to touch you.” Her chin dips. “I want so much better for you than me.”
My heart drops to my stomach. “There is no one better than you.”
Her eyes press closed, her head falling to the side, and I see that this will take time—me showing her I mean that with everything I am.
“You think that now but. . .I will carry it forever. Part of me still lives in that world. It’s how I help kids who will never escape on their own. They need me.”
I need you.
I’m a selfish bastard, but it’s true. “I want to help. However I can. No matter how much it scares me to watch you go, I would never ask you to stop doing what you do. I’d go with you if I could.”
I mean it.
“Cole.” She breathes my name, and it sounds painful. She pulls her hands from her pockets, fisting them at her sides. “I don’t know if I can give you everything you’ll want. The things you should have or at least the possibility of having.”
I stare into her eyes, seeing the courage it’s taking to be this honest. “I want you. We’ll figure everything else out.”
She pushes out a breath. “I don’t know how to do this.” Her tone is gentle.
I smile. “Me neither, but I know how to love you.”
Her eyes drop to the floor. “I’m not easy to love.”
I step closer. “I don’t need this to be easy.”
“I’m not sure you—”
“Ryder, I’ve got a lot of love to give that I’ve been just holding on to. When it gets hard, I’ll love you even when you don’t want me to.” She bites her bottom lip to keep it from trembling as tears fill her eyes. “I just need you to let me.”
Her head drops, her eyes falling away again. “I think it’s possible I love you, too.”
My heart swells three sizes, skipping a few beats. “Possible?” I don’t even try to hide my smirk.
She pushes her lips to the side, fighting that gorgeous smile. The one I will forever know is not freely given. I want all of them to be mine.
“Fairly certain, and. . .I think it might be a lot.” Her chin lifts. “It’s why I want more for you. I want you to love someone who won’t run every time she gets scared and who knows how to love you in all the ways you deserve. A woman who can be touched and kissed and—”
I make a bold move and take her face in my hands, needing her to see and hear me. “This. . . You are more than I will ever deserve. Besides, you can run, but I’m going to run with you. And if you outrun me, I’ll be standing here when you come back.”
“But I can’t. . . ” She looks away, but I pull her back.
“I want to love you in all the ways you will let me. It’s one step at a time. This is all new for me, too. I don’t know everything you’ve been through, but I know the person it’s made you become, and I’m crazy in love with that woman.”
She pulls away and huffs, irritation rising. “Cole. I don’t know if I can…do things.”
I’m so confused, and her shoulders slump in frustration.
“Sex. You want to go a lifetime without sex? I don’t know if I can do that or other things. I don’t know if I. . . ” Her tone softens. “I don’t know if I will ever be able to have children.” Her words are surrounded by heartache. “The list goes on, and. . . ”
Her chest moves in and out, and mine bleeds for everything that might be on that list. She steps away, fighting her emotions, while I take in what she admitted and quickly find what I already knew. I want her anyway.
“Can I hold your hand?”
Her gaze drags up mine this time. “What?”
“Can I hold your hand?”
Her eyes flick between mine. “Umm. . .yes.” Her hesitancy makes me grin, and I see her relax slightly.
“Will you dance with me?” I take a step closer to her.
She straightens, that edge appearing that I freaking love. “Depends.”
“On what?”
“The music and that you keep it simple.”
“Deal. Bruno it is. Will you stay here with me? Eat dinner, watch tape or a movie, and sleep in my room?”