Hard to Love

Chapter 49

RYDER

“You all right?” Cole’s arm slides around me, pulling me to the side, and I force myself to stay put rather than shift in front of him.

The crowd is loud, trying to get his attention as they angle their cameras and phones toward us.

“Yeah, I just. . . It’s hard for me to turn my brain off.”

He smiles. “Ten minutes, and then it’ll be you and me in the box.” He kisses my temple.

This will take some getting used to. It was one thing when I was guarding Cole. It was my job to be on high alert, but now, it’s difficult for me to turn that all down and just be here with him.

It all started when we walked into the airport to catch our flight to London. People followed us, hoping to get an autograph. Until the plane took off, fans watched and whispered and stared, but Cole kept a firm hold on my hand and did his best to deter them.

More than any of that, it’s Cole’s warm, protective affection. His sure hands and gentle touches. The feel of his body against mine when he holds me close. Him kissing me and kissing him back. It’s all completely new.

I’m learning about another person outside of myself, which is a process. It’s trusting and allowing him access when I’ve never done that before. I’ve never wanted to, and sometimes I just stare at him, wondering how this is even happening.

He glances at the raging crowd. “I didn’t think anyone would know who I am.”

I let my head fall to the side. “All these young girls know exactly who the hot American footballer is.”

He grins. “Hot, huh? Good thing I have you to protect me.”

“Ha. I had to leave my Sig at home.”

He leans down, his lips brushing the corner of mine. “I’m not worried.” He laces his fingers with mine. “I know these babies are weapons.”

His bright blue eyes sparkle, and he tugs me back toward the crowd to sign more jerseys and pose for selfies. I follow him down the line, making sure they all keep their hands where I can see them and to themselves.

Two nights ago, we had dinner with Hope and Track, and I told them I was leaving the country with Cole. Track gave me duces, told me to have fun, and never come back. He was joking, I think. Maybe only partially.

Those weeks after the shooting, Track’s words wouldn’t leave me alone.

I’ve never considered that I could live for anything other than pulling those from the darkness, which was once the only thing I knew.

Fear and shame and the web of anxiety they spin will forever want to strangle me.

But this is a start—laying down my sword as Kerry said, the one I like to hold to my own throat.

With time and Cole’s help, I might have a shot at knowing what it would feel like to love myself.

I’ve wondered if that’s what it takes—letting someone love us, even all of the ugly parts we keep hidden, so we know what it feels like. Then, at some point, we can extend bits of it to ourselves.

We’re ushered to our box, where food and drinks wait. Finally, we’re alone again, and it’s quiet.

From the window, I peer down on the bright green field, and Cole’s gentle arms slide around me from behind, careful and with ease.

“Do you know how this game works, or is this like football, and you’re going to pretend to know what you’re talking about?”

He spins me to face him and links his arms around me. “All right, smartass.”

I bite my lip, doing my damnedest not to smile.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a flirt?”

“Never in my life.”

“I like that you flirt with me.”

I shrug my good shoulder. “You’re fun to test it out on.”

He leans down and presses his lips to mine. “Test all you want, but it’d better be only with me.” He kisses me again, a little longer this time, but releases me, giving me time to get used to all of these feelings and the fear that lies on the other side of them.

He takes my hand, and we sit to watch the players warming up on the sidelines.

“Which one is he?”

Cole points toward the center of the field. “He’s number five.”

He’s tall, dark-haired, and all lean-cut muscle, just like Cole.

“Looks like your brother has a fan club of his own.” Fans scream and wave posters with his name and number.

“Yeah, I worry about him being all the way over here by himself, but he’s an incredible soccer player. He’s earned being here.” I hear the tender concern in his tone.

“Lyla has shoots and events here all the time. We’ll have her check on him.”

I can feel those gorgeous eyes on me, but I keep my gaze straight ahead. When my body starts to prickle, I give in. “You’re staring at me.”

“I’m not staring.”

I know he’s grinning. “Yes. You. Are.”

“No, I’m not. I’m. . .thinking.”

I push out a breath. “Really? What are you thinking?”

When he doesn’t answer, I’m forced to look at him. His eyes move over my face, and my cheeks burn a little, unable to read him.

“I love you.”

I bite the corner of my lip, still finding it a little difficult to hear those words, only because it’s so damn hard to believe they’re true. But I do believe them.

He rests his hand on my thigh, palm up, and I slide my hand into his. “Also, I was thinking we both have giant-ass families, and it would be interesting to see them all together.”

I laugh, letting my head rest on his shoulder.

We watch as the teams take their places on the field, and Cole jumps up and yells as Hank’s name is announced.

I sit, taking it all in. I’m in Europe with The Assignment, who’s now my boyfriend for real, and we’re talking about our families. I’m not hiding behind a pissy mood or on the verge of an anxiety attack, and I don’t feel like I need or want to kill anyone at the moment.

I’m exploring. What the hell has happened to my life?

Cole’s hand squeezes my thigh as he stands and hollers again.

Him. Just him. He’s completely wrecked me and everything I thought I knew.

He sits, and I lean into him, stealing his hand. I’ve never felt so damn good.

______

Calloused fingers brush across my cheek, and I feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest underneath the other. His large hand spreads across the middle of my back, and it’s warm and soothing.

I keep my eyes closed, not wanting a single thing to disturb this.

“Hey.” He presses his lips to the top of my head. I groan, not moving. “We have to get up soon.”

“Why?” I whine, liking it right where I am.

His smile spreads across my forehead. “It’s time to go home.”

Home. I’m not sure where that will be when we leave here.

These past two weeks with Cole in a faraway land have created a sustained peace within me I’ve not known before. We’ve been lazy, sleeping in and eating in our room, but also staying up late and visiting all the sights.

But now, it’s time to go back.

I bury my face in the side of his chest. “I don’t want to go.”

“Me either.” He shifts, and I force my eyes open, surrendering to reality. He rests on one elbow, peering down at me. “I have to see what kind of trade the Stingrays might be interested in and decide if I want to go the free agent route.”

Two days ago, Cole’s agent called and told him rumors were circulating, and he needed to make a decision.

His hand slides over my stomach, holding my side. “But I was thinking that after I get this ironed out, maybe we could go to Colorado for a while.”

I rub his shirt between my fingers, trying to sort through what I’m supposed to do about this possible new assignment with Rodriguez and wanting to be wherever Cole is.

I run a hand over my face. “I have to talk to Track and find out when he might actually let me work again. Eventually, though, you’ll be in one place, and I’ll be in Miami.”

His fingers grip my side, pulling me a little closer. “Maybe I’ll stay with the Stingrays.”

“No. They’re letting you out, and you’re taking it.” I saw how unhappy he was, even if he didn’t realize it.

“I already know I don’t want to leave you. I won’t be able to stand it, not knowing if you’re home and safe.”

I push my lips to the side. “Cole, this is what I do. I need you to be ok with that.”

“I know, and I’d never ask you to stop.” He pauses. “Can I be really honest with you about something?”

“Uh. . .yes. I’ve been painfully honest with you.”

He lies down next to me, and I roll on my side to face him.

“I’ve had this thing, this fear, since I was little.

You know my mom died.” His eyes drop to the space between us.

“She was gone. Just like that, and I’ve always been terrified that it’d happen again with someone I love.

” His eyes drag up to mine. “I’ve seen your blood and scars.

You got shot right in front of me. I don’t think I could—”

“Hey.” I slide my palm against his scruffy cheek, and he turns his head and kisses the underside of my wrist. “I took a lot of risks. Tracker was on my ass constantly. I’ve just. . .never had anything to lose. Nothing mattered except getting those kids out. Not even my own life.”

I fist his shirt. “But I’ll be thinking about you now and all that I’d be missing.

” I lift my eyes to his. “All of the things I’ve never had.

” I spread my hand over his chest. “I can’t promise that I won’t get hurt, but I’ll try really hard not to until it’s time for me to help these kids in a different way. ”

His lips brush against my forehead. “Do you have any idea when that might be? Because I really don’t want to be away from you.”

I smile. “Not yet. I have to meet with Rodriguez and decide if I’m ready to help the FBI. But first, you need to get yourself a new team.”

“You’re kind of bossy.” A smirk breaks free on his insanely handsome face.

“Yep.”

His chin tips down, and his lips brush against mine.

I slide my hand behind his neck, wanting more, and he delivers, waking my entire body.

This time with Cole has been everything. The thought that I would ever be this comfortable with a man is ridiculous, but here I am with the very best one.

His lips move along my jaw and down my neck as he grips my side, like he’s seeking control.

My fingers skim his bare torso, and his strong muscles contract.

He pulls away, his lips a little red. “Let’s go. We need to get up.”

“Right now?”

His eyelids droop a little. “Yes.” He rolls out of the bed and stands over me. “We can’t do any more of that in there, or I’m going to want things we aren’t doing yet.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Yet?”

“Yes, yet.” He leans down, bracing his arms on the bed.

“We’re going home to figure things out and keep adding to the list of things you’d miss.

” He leans even closer, his lips an inch from mine.

“I don’t care how long it takes. Eventually, one of those things is going to be making love.

You and me. We’re going to know what it’s like together. ”

I stare at him, a weird wave of heat rolling through my body and into my face. It’s completely uncomfortable, but somehow, in the best way.

I swallow, finding my voice. “You sound pretty sure of yourself.”

“That’s because I am. I’m sure of us.” He doesn’t move.

“You’re awfully confident there, Matthews.”

He slides his arms around me. “Nah. I just know what we can do together.” His head dips, and his mouth lingers on my neck again. “How about we go home and get to work?

I let my head fall to the side, giving him access. “What exactly are we working on?”

I feel his smile press into my skin, and he pulls away, tugging me up and out of bed. “Well, first, we’ve got to figure out our job situations. Then,” His arms cinch me in tightly. “Hopefully, we’ll go to the mountains to keep working on this list of rules we’re breaking.”

“It sounds like you have something in mind.”

“There are a few we should attempt to tackle.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yep. One involves you and me and a tent.”

I pull away. “I draw a hard line at shitting in the woods.”

He laughs, but I stop him.

“Also, I don’t sleep where there are predators.”

“Oh, come on.” He pulls me back to him. “With the heat you pack, no bear would stand a chance.”

“I shoot bad guys, not furry giants.”

“Fine,” he feigns disappointment and lowers his head to mine. “I guess we’ll just have to focus on that other rule then.”

His lips brush against mine, but I drop my chin, staring him down. “What rule is that?”

“The one about no surprises.”

I pull away. “I will never not loathe surprises. Let’s stick to safe territory here, Hotshot.”

“How do you know you won’t like my surprises? You liked it when I took you to the cabin.”

“It was a damn lucky draw.” I swing my arm over his shoulders, pulling myself up to him.

His thumb runs along the bare skin of my lower back.

“You liked the cookies I sent.”

I glare, but he dodges it, kissing me achingly slow.

Cole Matthews knows what he’s doing.

I pull away, catching my breath and calling him on his game. “What are you doing?”

He grins, those bright blue eyes full of sexy mischief. “Nothing.”

I fall back on my heels. “You suck at lying.”

His grin stretches its limits. “I’m loving you.”

“You know, I’m kind of hard to love.”

His lips brush mine. “I know. I’m not worried. I think I know exactly how to do that.”

This man. The biggest surprise of all. He just strolls through and blasts every single well-established defensive layer all to hell.

Dammit, I love him.