Chapter Sixteen
ANSWERING THE DOOR TO the pizza guy, while trying to hide the fact that I was hard, was a real struggle, but eating had to be our priority right now.
In fact, stopping right now, before anything more could happen, was probably a good thing.
She needed time to absorb what we’d done already, and for us to deal with any issues that arose from it.
I hadn’t expected she’d manage more than a few little pecks and brushes of lips, but she’d wanted more, and she’d pushed for it. I was more than willing to be the one getting pushed into things, if it meant she could explore her needs safely.
“More pizza?” She asked softly, after we’d devoured several pieces of meaty cheesy deliciousness. She looked relaxed, well fed, in that post-pizza euphoria I found myself in too. I shook my head, and she closed the box on the last few pieces.
“You doing okay?”
She sipped at the glass of water she’d opted for with dinner.
“About the kissing?”
“Yeah.” Hell yeah, about the kissing. I was doing my best not to push her, but if she had fears, I wanted to give her space to talk about them.
“I thought it’d be gross,” she said quietly, rolling her eyes at herself as I pouted.
“Gee, thanks.”
“You know what I mean. I’m… I have all kind of issues, and I’m picky about what goes in my mouth. I never thought a man’s tongue would feel so good.”
I winked at her. “Plenty of amazing things I can do with my tongue. Just putting that out there.”
She giggled, sipping more water. “I feel so safe with you. I feel like I can tell you anything, and you’ll understand, or at least do your best to try.
I’ve… I’ve never had that with anyone except my mum.
Well, and my cousin V, but she’s… she moved away, but she’s coming home.
Bad divorce. Anyway, I feel like you’re meant to be in my space, is that weird? ”
Fuck no. It was exactly how I felt.
“I think that’s a perfect way to put it. I really enjoyed kissing you, Caroline. I’m proud of being the man you trusted to do that.”
Her eyes darted away in that familiar way, the way she dodged me when she was about to say something she wasn’t entirely comfortable admitting.
“It made me want more.” Those were not the words I’d expected, and I wasn’t sure what to do with them for a moment. Agreeing that I wanted that seemed like it’d be extra pressure she didn’t need, but not saying it felt like lying to her.
“You’re not alone in that desire, Caroline. When you’re ready, I’ll be your willing victim.”
She took a deep breath. “Sex?”
Whoa. I caught her hand as she lifted her glass once more. She was hiding behind it each time, and now wasn’t the moment for that. She needed to consider what she was saying, because a lesser man than me would take advantage.
“Caroline, look at me. When you want sex, I’d love to be the man you trust for that, but don’t rush into things.”
“I’m twenty-seven, Harley. I’m hardly rushing. You’re the first man I’ve felt this at ease with-”
“Which is amazing, but that doesn’t mean you have to jump straight to sex, just because I make you feel safe.”
She practically fucking pouted, and this was all out of character for her, or at least for the woman I’d grown to know over the months we’d been building a friendship, and now maybe more.
“People have one night stands all the time, Harley. They get off, and they don’t know each other.” I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, because suddenly I felt exactly like women would say they feel in the reverse of this situation. Cheap? Used? I had no idea, but it hurt.
“You’re saying that’s all you want from me?
Like a one night, scratching an itch kinda thing?
I thought we… Jesus, listen to me. I’ll be your toy if that’s what you want.
I’ll let you scratch all your itches on me, but you need to understand that this…
that’s not what this is about for me. I like you. The person. Who you are inside.”
I sounded like a pussy, but realising that maybe she wanted me as a fucking jungle gym to play on, until she had the courage for a better man, that fucking burned.
“Harley-”
I shrugged, feigning something casual when it was the last thing I was fucking feeling.
“I’m just a man with the right parts, I get it. You tell me what you want, and you’ll get it. Fuck buddies, isn’t that what they call it?”
She gasped, almost dropping the water she’d picked up yet again. I took it and put it behind me, which was petty, I’ll admit, but I’d just been reduced to a fucking friend with benefits. Maybe I could indulge petty for a moment.
“That’s not what… I’m saying it all wrong, Harley! I thought you, of all people, could understand what I mean when I’m spouting utter crap!”
I lifted my hands. “I’m not a fucking genius, Caroline. I try, but sometimes I need you to say what you actually mean.”
She stood up, glaring at me, her hands landing on those shapely hips of hers.
“I’m saying I like you! I’m saying I want to try with you, because it’s you.
I’m saying that I never wanted a man like this before, when I knew I could actually take the risk, and be safe and protected, and maybe even loved one day!
I may not say the right words, but the meaning behind all the jibber jabber is pure.
” Like her. Was I really considering getting with a virgin?
The last time I was someone’s first, I got her pregnant.
“Are you even on birth control, Caroline?”
Her cheeks reddened, and she looked away from me.
“Yes. I had an implant fitted… not just in case of sex, but… for other reasons.”
I didn’t push her for those other reasons, but thank god she was more prepared than two stupid kids had been.
Condoms, for the record, don’t always fucking work.
Especially when you’re a dumbass who doesn’t know what he’s doing, and thinks tearing the pack open with his teeth is smart.
FYI, you can tear a hole in the condom that way, and I learned that the hard way.
“Harley?”
She was watching me again, those keen brown eyes on mine, but I had no idea what she was seeing.
“I want you to be my first.”
Fuck me.
Caroline
IT WAS TERRIFYING, AND yet empowering as well.
Was I afraid? Of course! I was afraid of most things, so the thought of sex, of intimacy, was making my heart thud in my chest, and my hands tremble.
Kissing had been so good though, so arousing, so intense.
I’d felt pride in myself for doing what I never thought I would.
I’d realised that, if I could do that, I could do all of it.
That’s why it was urgent. Why it had to be now. For this night, at least, I was brave. I had the courage to try, and he was right here. The one man I’d noticed that first day I randomly selected his business when I had a problem with my motorcycle.
Maybe I’d visited at times with non-existent issues, or non-urgent ones, at least, just so I could see him. If I closed my eyes and pictured myself doing anything with a man, it was always him. Ever since that first meeting.
“Caroline, you’re killing me, sweetheart.”
I lifted my chin, nervous energy rushing through my body, through my veins. Need following closely behind. You get to my age, suppressing so much of these natural bodily functions and needs, and it becomes overpowering.
“Now.”
Harley blinked, standing up and moving around the table to cup my chin, urging it up, so he could look into my eyes. Was his hand trembling too? Or was it just my own shivers reverberating through his touch?
“I feel like you’re pushing yourself to do this tonight, for some reason. What’s going on? There’s no rush. We can get to know each other, and when the time’s right-”
“Now’s the right time. It’s now. It has to be.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Because now’s the time you’re feeling able to ask for it?”
“See? You can read me. I… I’ve been afraid of all of these things for so long. Touching, kissing… all of it. You’ve… I feel like you’ve lifted the pressure, making it easier for me to take the step. It’s all you, Harley. I wouldn’t want this if it wasn’t you.”
“Jesus, Caroline.” He cupped my face in both hands and rested his forehead against mine.
“Don’t… don’t you want to?”
He groaned. “It’s all I fucking want, Caroline. I’m just afraid that you’ll regret it later, and I desperately don’t wanna be something you end up regretting.”
“How could I ever regret being with you? You’re the sweetest, kindest man I’ve ever met!”
Harley winced, but he didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure what was bugging him about that statement, but I was done waiting for him to agree.
I pulled away from him, and lifted my chin, forcing him to see me as strong, and not pathetic for once.
“I’m going to be in my bedroom with no clothes on. Either you join me there, or I’ll see you in the morning, Harley.”
I turned and left while he stood there with his mouth open, because that’s how you drop a bomb.