Chapter 13
Elijah
Ifinished the last pass of my latest critique and submitted the file for review.
With a sigh of relief, I pushed away the data tab and started gathering up the explosion of research tools I’d accumulated on the dining table.
Once I’d compiled everything into a neat stack, I shifted my focus to the living room.
Josh stood from what had quickly become his spot on the couch.
While we’d ordered him more clothes to compensate for the ones that had gotten packed up and returned to his permanent residence, he still wore my clothes more often than not.
A fact I was one hundred percent okay with, even if my Dartmouth tee dwarfed him and those sweats looked like they were clinging to his trim hips with a hope and a prayer.
A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I watched him cross the room to the bookshelves.
He’d already blown through my meager collection of paperbacks before begrudgingly moving onto the data files.
He surveyed the titles for a minute, a look of intense concentration on his face, then plucked one free.
From this distance, I couldn’t make out the title, not that it mattered.
I shook my head in amazement. Josh certainly had not been exaggerating when he said he was a voracious reader.
At the rate he was devouring books, I’d be out by the next full moon, and that was only a week away.
Thinking of the pending moon reminded me of another task.
I shot Eric a quick message, then officially abandoned my makeshift workstation.
If the criticism went well, the journal would publish it in the fall, and I could leave Dickens behind for a while.
When I originally accepted the assignment, it seemed like an easy way to stay relevant while waiting for Josh to recover.
The reality had been a damn nuisance I couldn’t be done with soon enough.
I reached my arms towards the ceiling in a long stretch and let out a grateful sigh when my back cracked.
Working at the dining table instead of at my desk in the study was not comfortable, but I wanted to be more present for Josh while he was building his control.
And maybe to remind him I wanted to be near him.
As I continued to work the kinks out of my stiff muscles, Josh resumed his seat. No sooner had he settled than his leg began to bounce and his free hand tapped out a mindless pattern on his thigh. Despite his pursuit of a diversion, restless energy poured off him.
“You know, we don’t have to stay cooped up here. We could go out. Maybe Mack could meet us at Hair of the Dog,” I suggested, hoping mentioning his favorite cafe might prove too great a temptation to resist.
He swiped to the next page without looking up from the data file. “Considering how anxious I already am, do you really think adding caffeine to the mix is wise?”
“They have tea, and there is such a thing as decaffeinated.” He snorted and didn’t dignify my counterargument with a response. I huffed none too quietly and walked around to join him. “I know you’re going stir-crazy. Surely getting out, even just to walk around town, would help.”
The screen darkened as he laid it flat on his lap and stared at the far wall. “How do you see that going? The whole town has likely heard the truth about who I am and the things I’ve done. Are you prepared to face the whispered speculation?”
I gritted my teeth and tried a different approach. “What about work?”
“I’ll deal with that when my medical leave is up.”
I bit back another frustrated huff as he reopened the file and resumed his reading. My head fell back on the couch in what I refused to admit was defeat.
I don’t know why I expected this time to be any different. He gives the same answer every time I suggest going out. And he’s yet to say just how long this “medical leave” is or what he plans to do when it’s finally over.
Not that I mind having him all to myself.
My hand wandered across the minimal space between us, as it was wont to do anytime he was near. Almost immediately, he moved to let his fingers trail lightly along the back of my hand and up my arm.
I sank deeper into the couch. These small, intimate touches never failed to fill me with a joy that resonated through the bond.
I absolutely loved that Josh finally felt confident enough in us to touch me whenever he wanted.
But if I were being honest with myself, I was increasingly worried he planned to hide from the world like a recluse.
He deserved to have a life full of the happiness he’d been denied for the better part of his existence, and I wanted to give it to him.
“Josh.”
“Hmm?”
“Why didn't you tell me you wanted kids?”
His fingers froze mid-stroke, and the data file tumbled to the ground with a soft thud. He quickly bent down to retrieve it. “What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t see just memories, moonbeam,” I said softly.
Book back in hand, he shrank into the far corner of the couch. “What I want hasn’t really mattered in the past.”
I moved to fully face him, though his gaze remained firmly fixed on the dark file in his hands. “Don’t say that. Of course, what you want matters. All of your dreams matter to me. If that’s something you want, then the least we could do is talk about it.”
“How is talking about it supposed to solve anything?”
I frowned at him. He had to be the stubbornest man I’d ever met in my life. “Can you even admit it’s something you want?”
His hand clenched into a fist, which he then forced open. “It wasn’t exactly the biggest possibility before I turned, and now it’s even less so. Better not to want it at all.”
“Bullshit. So you’re what? Just going to make this decision for both of us?
Did it even cross your mind to ask what I might want?
” His wince was answer enough. Of course he’d thought about it, Josh thought about everything.
He may have been the most stubborn man I’d ever met, but he was also one of the most considerate.
“What could I possibly offer any progeny? Between my sordid history and my condition, I’m damaged goods.” Bitterness laced his words and coated his scent, lending the air a sharp tang.
“That doesn’t mean we can’t still spin—”
“Spin what, Elijah? I’m moonstruck. We both know that’s hereditary, and mine is not a mild case, nor is it natural. I’m all but guaranteed to pass it on. As it is, I’m practically vibrating with manic energy the closer the moon gets. How could I risk inflicting that on a child?”
“Like you said, there’s no guarantee. They might not even inherit the condition. Besides, with genetic advancements being what they are, it could be possible to isolate the responsible gene altogether.”
“And what consequences might that have? You know as well as everyone else the risks involved in genetic tampering. Not to mention, in three hundred years no one’s figured it out.
What would make now any different? And even if a child of mine didn’t display obvious symptoms of Mien Zeke, they could still pass it on to their children and their children’s children.
” He launched off the couch, his chest heaving with the force of his words.
He took a step towards the kitchen as if trying to physically leave the conversation.
I stood ready to pursue him. “Oh, no you don’t. We’re not done.”
He shot me an angry glare. “What else is there to say?”
“You still haven’t asked me if I want children.” He rolled his eyes and turned away. I grabbed his arm to keep him in place. To my surprise, he not only fought the pull, but he was shaking.
“Just… stop. Let this go.”
“Why haven’t you asked?”
“Because…” He tugged on his arm, but he wasn’t the only one who could be stubborn.
“Because why? Why don’t you want to know? Why won’t you ask me?” I stepped closer, and the sound of a soft sob tickled my ears. My heart broke at the small, pained sound. “Josh, talk to me. At least tell me why.”
In the blink of an eye, all the fight simply left him.
He seemed to implode right before my eyes.
His shoulders crumpled inward, and a sob that sounded like it’d been ripped from the depths of his soul emerged.
His whole body shook with the force of it.
I got my arms around him just as his legs gave out and prevented him from crashing to the ground.
“Because I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything.”
Josh
I dissolved into Elijah’s embrace as every ounce of feeling washed through me with the force of a tsunami.
Hot tears streamed unhindered down my face as he scooped me into his lap and settled us both on the couch.
He murmured words of comfort into my hair that were scarcely more than white noise to the backdrop of heartbreak ripping me apart from the inside out.
I hated it. I hated not being able to control my own emotions. I hated that I was falling apart in front of Elijah. And I hated that I couldn’t seem to stop. I clung to the bond with a white-knuckle grip, but not even that could stem the tide of feeling.
I didn’t realize how much I’d wanted a family to call my own until I had to admit out loud that I didn’t believe I could have one.
It was a dream I’d always kept carefully indistinct.
If I didn’t think about how I could never have that, then I couldn’t be sad when it didn’t happen.
Having to consider how much I’d ruined Elijah’s future on top of mine was too much to bear.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, rocking my grieving body against his chest and driving home what I already knew. It didn’t matter that he could still have children. If they weren’t ours, he wouldn’t do it.
He continued to hold me as I cried myself out, the whole while repeating, “I’ve got you. I love you.”
Finally, I drew a shuddering breath and sagged against him in exhaustion. “I’m sorry.”
He pressed his lips against my forehead. “Don’t apologize.”
I carefully pushed myself up so I could look him in the eye.
The movement caused the remaining tears to streak in salty rivers down my cheeks.
He’d never let me apologize for ruining his life, so I offered an apology he would accept.
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask.” I stared at him for a long time, not sure if I had the strength to go on.
At last, I swallowed past the thick lump in my throat and offered him the courtesy I should have offered from the beginning. “Do you want children, Elijah?”
He wiped away the renegade tears, his thumbs lightly brushing beneath my eyes, while his lips tipped in the smallest smile. “If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said I never really thought about it. Probably not.”
My lip quivered, and he cupped my face as if he could somehow hold me together, even though I was so determined to fall apart.
“Shhh, let me finish, moonbeam.”
I swallowed a hiccup and grasped his wrists to stay grounded. The bond glowed fiercely between us as he leaned forward to place a featherlight kiss on my lips.
“Before I met you, my life was all about staying off the radar and quietly minding my own business. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I didn’t really think about anyone much beyond myself.”
I blinked at him, my lashes miraculously heavy with more tears.
“But then I met you and everything changed. I don’t just mean the bond.
You, Josh. You changed my life. I know you don’t believe it, but you’ve brought so much light into my world.
And ever since I saw that beautiful dream in your mind, it’s all I can think about.
” He rested his head against my chest and let out a deep breath.
“The way your face lit up when you looked at our children. The joy in your eyes and the gentle way you spoke to them… I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality. ”
He pulled back, and I immediately opened my mouth to argue. His finger against my lips effectively silenced me. “I don’t want to hear how you think it’s irresponsible or how it’s not viable. This is something we both want. I’m willing to fight for it. Are you?”
I blinked back at him and tried to remember how to breathe. “How do you do that?”
He brushed the hair out of my face. “Do what?”
“One minute I feel like I’ve been scraped hollow by a blunt spoon, and the next I feel like I’m going to burst with light. Is it the bond?”
His smile returned, sparkling in his eyes and causing my heart to stutter. “I don’t think so. I think it might just be us. I want to make you happy, Josh. I’ll always want to make you happy.”
Without warning, I engulfed him in a bone-creaking hug and felt his arms wrap equally tight around me. “I love you.”