Thirty-Six
W e had to wait for the others, so I grabbed Elise’s hand again and dragged her to wait outside with me. I hoped I could hide the way my hands were still trembling, but it was impossible to hide how I’d reacted in that fucking room, because she saw something was wrong.
She kept searching me with her eyes, like she wanted to ask, but she didn’t want to pry, and I really didn’t want to fucking talk about it. Too many people already knew about that shit, and I didn’t want to tell her. She’d think less of me if she knew.
“Has-”
“Please, babe. Please don’t ask, because I can’t. Can we just pretend that never happened?” She reached up, cupping my cheek with her hand.
“I don’t think that’s the best thing for you in the long run, but I’ll leave it for now. You do need to talk though, because there’s clearly something bad that you were just reminded of in that room. If we’re going to be together, then you need to be able to talk to me.”
I lifted her palm and kissed it.
“I get that, babe, just not right now, yeah? Give me some time to get my head straight, and maybe I’ll be able to talk about it.”
Even though I’d tried to head off the conversation, I couldn’t hold back the memories that started flooding back into my mind then. Me as a boy, excited for a career as an actor. Me thinking the lights would be bright and shiny, and my future would be a dream. Instead it was a fucking nightmare. Three men destroyed everything; my future, my hopes, my dreams, my body, my sanity. I’d wanted to die. They’d all made my body their toy, and I’d been too young, and too afraid to speak up, and too powerless to resist or fight them.
The memory of their filthy evil hands touching me made my flesh crawl, and the dark place in my head, where I normally managed to trap all of their cruelty and depravity, allowed other thoughts and images to leak out. Being touched by Bill Savage, one of the production team, and told that it was all part of the audition process. Being told only babies complain. Only children who didn’t want a future on the big screen. Freddy Diplomat and Jacko Simmonds… those two sick fuckers showed me how two men could plunder a young boy’s body, and make him wish for death.
“Has?” Her voice didn’t even permeate as a hand touched me, and I flinched away, letting out a ragged curse. I backed up a few steps as my breathing became laboured, and I felt that familiar terror washing over me, making me weak and cold all at once.
“No.”
“Has, it’s me, what’s going on?” Elise reached for me, and I lurched away again.
“STOP. Stop touching me .”
Her face fell, and I could see it was her, and the rational part of my brain knew I was safe now, and this was all just a reaction to some kind of flashback, but it didn’t stop my body from trembling and I couldn’t let her near me.
“Oh god, Has, what’s going on? Please. Let me help you.”
“Just fucking BACK OFF! Don’t fucking TOUCH ME!”
I could hear soft crying, as I backed up enough to trip over something and land painfully on my ass again. The sudden pain sent a shockwave through me, and suddenly I had a little more clarity. I looked up from the ground to see Elise in tears, and behind her, my brothers. Everyone who’d been at the hospital, either being treated or collecting them.
Jesus, there was no way to hide this now. There was no way to escape from it. No way to try and apologise to my fucking woman with this audience hovering over us.
“Babe…”
Stitch pulled Elise back and tucked her against his chest, as he shot me accusing death glares over her sobbing form. I deserved every last one of them too.
“I…”
“Get her out of here. All of you go. I’ll stay with him.” I watched as Reacher disbanded us, sending everyone away but him. He moved closer, sitting down on a low wall, the very wall I’d tripped over, then he just silently watched me for long painful minutes, as I fought to breathe like a normal person.
“Talk to me, son. We’re not going anywhere until you do.”
Elise
O ne minute he was fine and asking me to give him time, which I was more than willing to do, and the next he froze, and I felt shudders running through him, and when I touched him again, when I spoke… his eyes, they weren’t even seeing me. The look in his eyes was one of terror, and pain, and shame, and he kept retreating from me. A physical retreat, like he was afraid of me. Repelled by my touch.
It was devastating. Someone had really hurt him, and I think it all just came crashing back on him, triggered by whatever the hell happened in the doctor’s exam room.
“Get in the van, sweets. Let’s get you back home and safe.”
“What about Has?”
Seth forcibly lifted me up into the back of the van, and dragged the door closed behind him, guiding me to one of the bench seats to sit beside him.
“Reacher’s with him. Leave him to figure out whatever the fuck is going on in his head.”
“You know exactly what the fuck that was, dammit. You should have let me stay with him. He’s my fucking brother.” Ryder was pissed, enough that he was almost yelling at his VP, as he tried to pace in the van.
The vehicle suddenly moved, lurching enough that Ryder fell back against the side. He was already limping, and probably sore from his accident, so the string of curses that erupted out of him then were probably fuelled by pain, and worry for his friend. My man. My fucking love.
“Seth, he needs me.”
Seth groaned, running a hand through his hair.
“I told you there was stuff in his past, sweets. He needs some space to deal with it, and in front of you may not be the right place. He won’t want you seeing him like this.”
Micro yelled out a curse as the van lurched again, and he slammed his bandaged shoulder against the side of the van.
“Can you try to remember some of us are fucking banged up back here?”
I leaned closer to Seth. “What’s going on with Has, did something bad happen to him?”
Seth, for once, didn’t look like he wanted to kill Has. He stared down at his hands, and let out a huge sigh, looking more sad and worried than anything else.
“Yeah, something did, and I’m not talking about it here. Reacher will look after him, okay? Let’s get you home and safe, and when he gets back, he can tell you whatever he’s comfortable sharing.”
I didn’t like it. I didn’t like having to be away from him, or having to leave him with someone else, even Reacher, who knew him better than I did, and could actually help him. It didn’t feel right to be away from him.
Ice caught our attention from the front passenger seat.
“Doc knows we’re bringing home more wounded soldiers. He wants to see each of you to check you over for himself, and to know what treatment plans you’ve been put on. He says, and I quote: don’t make him come looking for you.”
Micro cursed, rummaging in his pocket for the pills the doctor must have given him.
“Can’t read this in here. We can’t get some fucking lights in the back of here? It’s so dim. What does that say? Fuck it, I’ll just take two.” Without thinking, I reached over and snatched the bottle from him, before he did something stupid.
“Hey! What the fuck!”
I waved him off, my previous fear of him having dissipated with all that was happening. I read the instructions on the bottle, which really wasn’t easy in the dim light of the van.
“You haven’t had any of these yet?”
Micro glared at me as he reached for the bottle again.
“Yeah, but it was like half an hour ago. They’re not working, or they were, until this bell-end decided to drive like the dukes of fucking hazzard.”
Seth took the bottle from me, and tucked it in his pocket.
“You’ll man the fuck up and wait until the doc looks you over. You can’t take more of these yet, dickhead.”
Micro cursed, flipping off his VP before he leaned back on the seat across from me, glaring at me for a moment before he looked away.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, because he was still scary, despite my momentary courage, and I didn’t want him pissed off with me. He shrugged, and then cursed with pain again.
“You were probably right. Jesus, I need to get to my bike. It’s probably fucked. I’m guessing you’re gonna be telling us all what the fuck happened today, VP?”
Seth groaned again, tugging me against his side, and stroking my hair.
“Wait for Reacher. I’m not sure what the fuck happened, but something went wrong.”
“Wow, thanks for that, I had no idea something ‘went wrong’. Jeez. Colour me fucking relieved that you’ve got this shit in hand.”
“Shut the fuck up, man. It’s not Stitch’s fault, is it?” Ryder was the grumpiest I’d ever seen him, and Tori was trying to soothe him, but he was clearly in enough pain to make him snappy and aggressive too.
I couldn’t wait for the journey to be over, so I could get out of this van filled with pissed off alpha males.