Fifty-Four
A fter my brother and Reacher left the room, Has came back to bed, hesitating for a moment before he dragged me into his arms, and I snuggled into his warm chest.
“What happens next?”
Has sighed, stroking his fingers through my hair in smooth glides.
“Babe, I have no fucking clue. Reacher has rung a lot of us in the last two days, so it narrows things down but not enough. And the tatted dick… I mean, yeah, there are only a few I know of in this club, but anyone could have added ink and never told us. Short of getting everyone to whip them out for you to look at-”
I shuddered, rubbing my face against Has’ bare chest as I shook my head rapidly.
“Hey… I’d never ask you to do that, don’t worry. There’s always another way, and we’ll find it.”
“What if it’s the only way, though? Shouldn’t I just be brave? Shouldn’t I be able to just do it? I hate how weak I’ve become.”
Has let out a soft curse, waiting until I lifted my head before he spoke again, his fingers catching my chin in a light grip.
“There’s nothing weak about you, Elise. Not a damn thing. You’ve been snatched by this fucker twice, and that’s two times too many. You’ve been trapped with him, and afraid for your life. Being affected by that shit doesn’t make you weak, does it? Would you look down on you if you were anyone else, or would you look at you and see a fucking fighter?”
His words were the right words, and we both knew it, but I couldn’t help feeling like I’d failed somewhere along the way. If I’d been stronger, he wouldn’t have been able to take me twice. If I’d been smarter. If I’d kept my wits about me, and made better decisions. There was also the fact that once more I was nearly forced into something that I’d never done with anyone else before.
“If he’d… if he’d forced me to… you know… he’d have stolen a first from me, Has-Been.”
His arms tightened around me, and I could feel that tension throughout his body.
“I know,” he gritted out, averting his eyes as he spoke. Was he ashamed of me for something? Or was he just struggling with whatever memories were coming back to him of his own past?
“He can’t take anything like that from me, Has. I won’t survive that. You… you have to be my first in all things.”
Has squeezed his eyes closed, and let out a shaky breath.
“He won’t get you again, babe. I won’t allow it. I won’t leave your fucking side again from now until the day we both die, because we won’t leave each other even then.”
Suddenly it was all I could think about. Sharing with him what was almost stolen from both of us.
“I need to, Has.”
His brow creased, and he opened his eyes again.
“What?”
“Please.”
“Need to what?”
I sucked in a breath, trying to hold onto my courage, even as he started to look more and more dismayed as he caught on.
“Babe, no. Not… that’s not happening right now.”
I pushed away from him, and sat up, pulling the covers with me to hide myself, even though I wore underwear and a t-shirt.
“I need to do this, Has.”
He sat up too, his fists clenching as he sat back against the headboard. He scrubbed at his eyes with his fists, looking almost childlike in his distress.
“Babe, please don’t do this to me. Not now. Not like this. I know you want to own every one of these experiences, and you should because that’s your right, but this isn’t the right time, or the right way. Don’t let him taint something like that by making it something it shouldn’t be.”
I edged closer to him, sliding a hand along his thigh over the covers.
“Please, Has.”
Has-Been
I was in hell… because of course I wanted to show her these things, and teach her how to please me, just like I wanted to show her how I could please her. The many ways I could have her screaming my name, but she was a fucking virgin until days ago, and she’d been kidnapped twice and was suffering the after effects of that. What kind of asshole would I be to stick my cock in her fucking face right now?
“Has… I can see what you’re doing. You’re beating yourself up, and feeling like you shouldn’t do this, but it’s what I need. It… it’s not just about keeping that first for us. It’s about needing to feel close to you, to feel like we can pick up where we left off. You were taking me on a journey of sexual exploration, and I want to continue on that journey with you, if you still want me.”
I rubbed at my chest, where I felt the burn from her words.
“Don’t do that, Elise. Don’t make this about me not wanting you or something. We both know that’s bullshit. We both know I fucking love you so much I’d die for you, I just don’t think it’s best for you emotionally to do this right now.”
Elise’s hand moved, and slipped under the covers, stroking me through my sweatpants. Of course I didn’t have underwear on with them. I’d only slipped them on so I could talk to the guys, and I’d kept them on in bed, because I didn’t want her to panic if we were snuggling together. I didn’t want to pressure her, but the joke was on me, because she was the one pressuring me.
“Babe…”
“Please, Has. Teach me how to pleasure you, how to touch your cock. Let me taste you. I need to carry on as if nothing bad happened. I need to enjoy us.”
Fuck me. Did I have any willpower at all, because my cock was rock hard under her gentle touch, and I wanted nothing more than to give in, to do all the things she was practically begging me for.
“Are you sure you don’t want Lissa instead?”
Elise giggled, stroking my cock more firmly.
“I’m not into women, Has.”
I couldn’t fight a laugh at her response. Wily little minx that she was, she’d broken whatever the hell that fatalistic cloud of darkness was, that hung over us. She’d made us both laugh, and from there, she was leaning closer, and pressing her lips against mine, as she continued to stroke me.
I finally gave in, pulling her tighter against me as I deepened our kiss, and that’s when she froze .