Fifty-Five
H e noticed the exact moment that the thoughts intruded and ruined the moment for us. The moment I saw that bastard in my head, when he towered over me, jerking off and splatting his cum over my face and hair.
“Babe… it’s okay, we’re just gonna ease back and relax, okay?”
I burst into tears, because above all of the horror of what I’d been through, and the hideous repeats playing in my head, was this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt for pushing Has into a reaction, and then backing away like I was nothing but a tease. He’d been comfortable just talking or sleeping, but I had to push things.
I had to fight for something that I now realised I really wasn’t ready for, not tonight. I’d made him hard, because I wanted what I thought I wanted, and now I’d just aroused him and let him down.
Has just held me as I cried, trying to calm me down, and soothe me, and when I finally started to calm down, he got up and brought me a glass of water, and sat with me as I tried to gather up the courage to speak. To apologise for winding him up like that, and letting him down. A quick peek when he’d got up, had shown me that he wasn’t straining at his pants anymore, but I still felt like a bitch for encouraging him when he hadn’t wanted to start anything.
“I’m sorry.”
He groaned, climbing back into bed properly, and taking the water from me when I handed it to him.
“Nothing to apologise for, babe. Let’s get some sleep, and then in the morning, I want you to talk to Lissa, okay? Let all of this stuff out, and let her help you deal with it.”
“I promise, and I promise not to do that to you again. I know that wasn’t fair.”
We were snuggling down together in bed, and Has dragged me back over his chest, so he could hold me.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, babe. There’s nothing to beat yourself up for, but please get some rest. We’re both exhausted.”
His calmness, and the warmth and safety of his tight hold on me, sent me deep into a deep sleep, addled with strange and dark dreams that I instantly lost track of, as I woke the next morning. All I knew was that they weren’t normal dreams, and they left me with that vaguely unsettled feeling as I got up and went through the motions of getting showered and dressed.
Has had insisted on me getting ready while he made some calls, and by the time I was dressed, Lissa was already at the door. I guess he’d made the decision for me, and I was equal parts touched and frustrated, because his issues were probably worse than mine.
“Gonna take a shower and stuff, babe. You ladies take your time in here.” He disappeared into the bathroom after making coffee for me and Lissa.
We sat at the dining table, and I felt instantly on the defence, as that warm gaze of hers settled on me.
“Has thinks that you might benefit from a little chat this morning, Elise, but I know that wasn’t his decision to make. If you want to talk about nothing, that’s fine too. You’ll talk when you’re ready.”
I slid down further in my chair, hugging my mug to my chest.
“I guess I know I need to talk, but I’m still feeling weirded out, like maybe it’s too soon.”
Lissa nodded, tucking a wisp of red hair back and smoothing it into the elegant French plait she wore.
“That’s highly likely, Elise, and there’s no pressure on you to talk at all, but it will help you in the end. It’ll help you to work through what you feel about what happened, and it’ll help to reinforce the understanding that none of it was your fault. You didn’t make it happen, you didn’t ask for it, and you didn’t make some error in judgement that led to it.”
I felt the prick of tears at her words, because it was like she could see into my head. Maybe it was just that she was damn good at her job. I had no idea, but I sipped my coffee as I tried to hide how my lips were trembling against the torrent of tears I was holding back.
“Has explained what happened while you were being held by this bastard, so that you wouldn’t have to go into detail if you didn’t want to. This doesn’t mean you can’t, but it also means that I can help you if you need me. You’re an extremely strong person, Elise, but it doesn’t mean you can’t let it all out sometimes.”
A sob choked in my throat and I turned my head to stare out the window, at the annoyingly blue sky and bright sunshine. How could it be so pretty outside when the world was full of monsters, and cruelty, and fear?
“No shame, Elise. Your feelings and reactions are real and important, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed for expressing them.”
I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks now, and I couldn’t stop them, even as I swallowed the next sob that rose up.
“Other people… others go through worse. He barely… touched me.” My words were broken by the occasional hiccup of distress, but I made my point in the end, right?
Lissa let out a soft sigh, reaching over to squeeze my hand.
“All that matters is what you went through, and the severity of it isn’t diminished by anything or anyone else. You were taken from your home, and in fear of your safety, and your life. That’s the most terrifying thing a person can experience. There’s no such thing as weakness right now, babe.”
We were disturbed as the bathroom door popped open, and Has emerged, fully dressed, and looking sheepish.
“Sorry… doesn’t take long in the shower with no hair. I can go wait outside though, so you can carry on.”
I shook my head, reaching out for him, and when he was close enough, I stood up and made him sit, climbing into his lap and burying my face in his chest, breathing deeply to fill my senses with his scent, and the spicy tang of the shower gel he’d just used. I felt it wash through me, calming me in an instant, and making me feel safe again.
“Would you like to leave it there for today, Elise?”
I swallowed hard, sitting up and turning to face Lissa, sighing with relief because being in Has-Been’s arms helped.
“No, I can continue, but I want him to stay.” Has tensed for a moment, and then he took a slow breath and tried to relax again.
“Babe, this is your personal business. You deserve to express that without fear of my judgement.”
“I know you won’t judge me, so don’t even try that. I feel more able to talk when you’re holding me.”
Lissa shrugged at him, smiling sweetly.
“Whatever helps Elise to express herself is fine with me.”
Has-Been
E ver feel like you’ve been tricked into something? Because that was how this felt right now, not because Elise didn’t deserve my support, or the comfort I could provide, because they were hers unconditionally and forever. It was more about being trapped with a fucking shrink like this.
That familiar edginess set in as they began to talk, because I felt like I needed to escape before I was drawn into the conversation in any way. Talking about my own stuff was bad enough, and I didn’t think I ever could, but to hear this stuff, and have to not react? It was fucking agony.
“That’s all he did. It sounds so dumb now, like how was I so scared at the time, but… I mean, he’s a killer, right?”
I tightened my arms around her involuntarily.
“Fucking right he is. Worse. You know that.”
Lissa raised her eyebrows at me, and I sighed, turning to look out the window, like I’d find something out there that could fucking distract me.
“Sorry, not my time to talk.”
Elise rubbed her palm over my arm, and rested her head against my chest.
“Now it’s your turn, Has. You need to talk to Lissa too, because you have stuff you need to work through. I can leave if you want to, if it’s easier for you?” I tightened my arms around her, even as I felt like I heard that metaphorical trap snap shut on me.
“Nah, I’m good, babe. Thanks, Lissa.”
Elise shoved free of my lap, and stood beside me with her hands on her hips, and a fierce glare on her face.
“So I have to talk about my shit, but you get to keep bottling yours up, until you have another meltdown like the day at the hospital? What if that happens at some point and puts us at risk? Huh? Is that what you want to risk?” Fuck me, even though she was manipulating the fuck out of me, and I knew it was for my own good, hell… she was gorgeous as she stood there, dictating to me like that. Would anyone else have got away with laying down the law to me like that?
“Has-Been, it seems like it’s long overdue that you get some help with whatever caused your reaction the other day, so I’m ready whenever you want to talk.” Lissa didn’t seem to be pressuring me, but, I could see that Elise maybe needed me to talk now. Maybe what she needed was the spotlight off her for a while, because she didn’t feel like she deserved it.
I ran a hand over my shaved head, grimacing at the feel of my slightly stubbly skin, where once there were rough heavy dreadlocks.
“Jesus. I don’t know where to start, but I can’t do this unless you get back in my lap, woman.” I reached for Elise and she eagerly climbed back into my lap and my arms, pressing her face into my neck and kissing my skin, like she was trying to comfort me before I even began.
“Sure you’ve got time for this, doc?”
Lissa smiled, and nodded, waving at me to continue, but it didn’t seem to come with any pressure. She was leaving it to me to start speaking when I was ready. I cleared my throat, doing it a second time when it suddenly seemed like I was swallowing against a lump.
“I uh… I was an actor as a kid, I guess Ice or someone might have said that already. I was young and kinda trusting, so I guess that made me an easy target. There are so many predators in the business, but I didn’t know that was what they were, until they showed me the dark side of being a ‘star’.”