Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
MICAH
Normally, the sound of chewing irritated the fuck out of me. I rarely went out to eat with friends because by the end of the night, I wanted to punch them all in their mouth-breathing faces. But Vanya wasn’t obnoxious about it.
He ate politely, making small noises when he was happy and frustrated noises when it sounded like the foil got stuck on his tortilla. He was just so…present was the only word I could think of. I didn’t know what to make of it.
The closer he sat to me, the warmer I got. The more I wanted to lean over and touch him just to ground myself and remind myself that all of this was fine and normal. But I was still fucked-up over the texts Hunter had sent.
They were frantic, full of misspellings not even my screen reader could make sense of—like he was keyboard smashing out of rage. What I was able to discern was that he thought Vanya and I had been kissing outside, just like Vanya had planned.
And Hunter was calling me a whore for it.
A slut.
A cheater—which was absurd, considering he and I had never been together.
He got creative with his insults, but I ended up turning my phone off before it was done reading them all out to me.
It was clear from the stalking he was unhinged.
It was clear from the threats he’d been making about me he was probably willing to do terrible things regardless of whether or not it got him into trouble.
I had a feeling that he didn’t give a shit if he ended up in jail, so long as he ruined me on his way down.
So I had no idea what to do.
I finished half of my burrito and a whole bottle of water, then hunkered down in the blankets.
Vanya shifted restlessly. It was clear he didn’t know what to do with his body or the fact that I was in his bed. I had half a mind to sneak out and sleep on his uncomfortable couch, but my body, my coach, my GM, and the team wouldn’t thank me if I fucked my back to oblivion before the next game.
I heard a soft click after a moment and frowned, turning my face toward Vanya. “Was that the light on or off?”
“Off. Is late.” His body shuffled downward, his toes grazing my calf. He pulled away like he was terrified to touch me, and I felt an ache in my chest.
I wanted closeness.
I wanted something I couldn’t quite name.
The feeling he gave me was something wholly alien, and I didn’t have the words for it.
“You can put on TV or something if you want,” I told him. “I might pass out, but it won’t bother me.”
“No. Is okay. This is nice.”
It was. I didn’t want to admit it though. I took in a deep breath, filling my lungs until I no longer could, then let it out.
“Is helping? Your…anxiety?” he asked like he was unsure of the word.
I snorted and pressed both hands over my face. “Not really. I mean, this is great for tonight, but what the fuck am I going to do after this weekend?”
“Call police?” When I scoffed, he rolled toward me. “I understand is not best option. Is…maybe not going to help. Bad guys are bad guys, even with police. But he is wrong to hurt you like this.”
“It’s more complicated than just calling the police, okay?” I told him. I was trying not to be irritated, but he didn’t get it. No one did. Hunter had ways to ruin me that would last. That would linger. That would force me to redefine myself before I was ready.
“Help me understand.” He shifted close enough that his knees pressed against the outside of my thigh. “Only if you want.”
I did. Fuck me, but I wanted to tell him everything. And maybe it was because I had reached my breaking point—or maybe it was because I was tired and had lost all ability to control myself—but I felt something inside me crack.
“This stays between us, okay? Like, circle of trust.”
“Circle of trust,” he repeated, not quite a statement, and not quite a question.
“It means you can’t tell anyone, no matter how much you want to. Even if you think it’s for my own good.”
Vanya sucked in a breath, then let it out in a slow hiss. He stiffened against me. I could feel it in the way his shoulder twitched against my arm.
“Promise me,” I whispered.
There was a long pause, then, very quietly, he said, “Okay.”
I don’t know why I trusted him. I had no reason to at all.
But he was here, and so was I. “I’m sure you know what people think about me,” I started.
“About my reputation and how I’m, ah…you know, like, very sexual.
” I should have just used one of the words people threw at me, but this was hard enough to say.
He hummed softly. “Yes. But I don’t always believe people. Your brother, he tell me something like that before I left his house.”
I stiffened. “What did he say?”
Vanya was quiet, and I knew he didn’t want to answer.
I let out a heavy sigh. “I promise it’s fine. I know what people say about me. It’s not going to hurt worse than everything else he’s said.”
His hand found mine, and he twisted our fingers together, stroking his thumb over my wrist. I had a feeling that wasn’t just for me. It was for him too. “He told me that you…get around. I think is how he said it.”
“That I’m a slut,” I said a little bitterly.
Vanya sucked in a breath. “He was…warning me. Say you’re not good guy for more than just one night.”
“Right. I mean, that’s kind of my thing, according to anyone you’ll ask.” Anyone but Hugo, but he’d been keeping my secret for me too.
Vanya hummed softly and rolled a little closer toward me. “Lies.”
“How the fuck would you know?”
“Because I know you. I know a lot of guys, yeah? Some have wives, and they cheat. Some have husbands they don’t love. Some are like your friends—my new friends,” he clarified. “They’re different. Even if they’re not…I don’t know the English word for it. Where they have only one person they love?”
“Monogamous,” I offered.
“Yes. Some are, some aren’t, but difference from other people is they’re happy. And I know you want that.”
I said nothing. It was true. I did want to be happy. But I didn’t know if I ever could be. “Well, Hunter knew about my reputation when we met. I just didn’t realize that. After everything that happened and I told him I never wanted to see him again, he left me alone. But it didn’t last.”
“How long?”
I groaned at the memory. “About three or four months. Just enough time for me to get comfortable thinking I’d never see him again.
Then he started texting. He said he had videos of me.
Said that if I didn’t go out with him, he was going to release them.
I threatened to have him arrested for revenge porn and stalking, but he told me he didn’t care. ”
“Okay. I kill him. Is fine. We just drafted new goalie from Boston University. He can take my place.”
I laughed and found Vanya’s chest, pressing my hands against it. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not. He stalk you? Take video? Threaten you? Why you don’t want me to take care of it?”
“I don’t know if he actually has a video. He’s been holding it over my head for a while.”
Vanya’s fingers began to card through my hair, the motion both soothing and also making me warm in the center of my chest. “Maybe…call bluff? Is right saying?”
“Yeah. But I…I can’t. I can’t handle that. I can barely handle the fact that everyone thinks I’m like the league whore who fucks anything that moves.”
“Would not be anyone’s business if you were,” Vanya said.
His blunt nails scratched along my temple, and if I were a cat, I would have started purring.
I moved against him, into his arms, without realizing it.
“You can be whatever you want, pretty goalie. Sleep with one hundred men. Sleep with zero men.”
“Or one,” I murmured. “What if I…what if I just want one?”
I was losing my grip on control, against the fight to keep from sleeping with him again. He did things to me. He made me want things from him that would have terrified me if it were anyone else.
“Micah,” Vanya said softly. “You have to tell me what you mean. You say before never again—”
“I know.”
“And I want you. Want to give you whatever you ask for. But you have to ask.”
My pride was choking me, but dear god, would it really be such a bad thing here in this bed with him? If I had one more taste? One more night?
To be able to feel safe and not think about Hunter and the mess I’d made of things?
“I want you to kiss me,” I blurted.
His hand immediately moved from my hair to my jaw, cradling it softly, thumb running over my lips.
I loved the feeling of his hockey-rough skin against mine.
I loved that he wasn’t careful with me.
He gripped me by the face hard, and then his mouth landed on mine in a punishing kiss. His teeth dug into my lower lip, tongue pushing its way past my teeth, tangling with my own. He swallowed down my first loud moan as he rolled his body on top of mine and knocked my legs apart with one knee.
“Fuck,” I gasped when he gave me room to breathe. “Fuck. This is so much better than being in the car.”
He laughed, his breath falling over my face—spiced from the food, and warm with his desire. “Yes. Much better. Now I can touch everything.”
Dipping low, he bit along the side of my neck, and the sensation made my back arch up into him. He took the opportunity to shove his arm behind me, lifting me against him, kissing me harder again, then again, and again.
“What you want me to do?” he asked against my mouth, biting me as he spoke. “Eat your ass? Suck your cock? Fuck you?”
“Yes, shit.” My brain was overloaded with sensations.
It was everything I’d ever fantasized about and nothing I’d ever had with a partner. My list of men who’d been able to get me off was so small it usually made me want to cry. And the thought of trying always led to frustration and anger.
Journey had been the only other man I trusted with my body, but he’d been too careful. I felt like some kind of freak under his overly tender affections.
Vanya was not like that at all.
He was everything.
“All of it,” I begged.