20. Scarlet
20
SCARLET
T he birds chirp madly outside the bedroom window as I open my eyes on yet another day of wondering how the hell we’re supposed to get through this together. After spending a long, boring day listening to him clicking the keys, he was still on his laptop when I went to bed last night.
He had his earbuds in most of the time, shutting me out in favor of the music he was listening to. He had it cranked loud enough that I could hear some of it, vaguely recognizing the driving beat of heavy metal. He was so deep into whatever he was working on that I might as well have not been here.
The sting of being ignored still paled compared to the piercing pain of being left alone with my thoughts. Even now, hours later, I want nothing more than to turn away from the dark self-reproach which gripped and threatened to break me.
I’m putting my family through agony for this?
I hate myself for having thought it, but there’s no denying the bitter truth. My parents have already lost a daughter. I witnessed that torment, heard my father’s powerless pacing and my mother’s helpless sobs. Just like I watched Q break down and wished I could take it all away.
You can’t absorb someone else’s pain, no matter how much you love them.
This time, I’m the source of the pain. I’m the reason my father has probably threatened to murder dozens of men—if he’s stopped at threats, which he probably hasn’t. I’m the reason Mom’s crying and asking herself if she could’ve done something to stop this. And what about Aspen? What if?—
Stop this. What good did punishing myself do yesterday? What might it do again today?
Oh no. My body curls on itself at the question. I couldn’t take another day of nothing to do but torture myself. He needs to be in a better mental place today, or I might shatter for good under the weight of my guilt.
My poor, lonely heart sinks when I wake up to find him already out of bed. The pillow is cold, no big surprise.
And the keys are clicking away. Again.
Still? Did he ever come to bed?
I search my memory for any hint of him being here overnight, next to me, and come up blank. Maybe I slept deeply enough that I didn’t notice.
Maybe he never went to sleep at all.
I know better than to ask for a clue as to what’s so important. It must be something to do with this mission of his, which I hardly know anything about. Only that it’s important—of course—and he supposedly needs me to be a part of it.
But not so important a part that I deserve to hear the details.
I wish I understood it. I wish I understood him.
He hardly notices when I emerge from the bedroom. It’s chilly—there’s no fire in the oven to warm the cabin. Does he feel it? I doubt it. He’s consumed by whatever he’s doing, still listening to music while leaning in close to his screen. He’s almost squinting, studying something.
I know better than to get too close. His energy is so intense it’s like a brick wall around him. Rather than make the mistake of disturbing him, I go to the stove and open the oven door before pulling a few pieces of wood from the pile in the corner and placing them inside.
If he’s not going to take care of himself, I guess it’s up to me. Not that I mind. I want to take care of him and be a vital part of his life. I only wish there wasn’t this feeling of dread, like I need to tiptoe around.
It doesn’t take long for me to get the coffee maker working and boil water for oatmeal. We’ll need to go out for supplies soon. The idea sparks hope in my heart. It would be nice to feel like we were doing something normal.
Without a word, I set his bowl and a cup of coffee on the table, then leave mine to cool while I wash up in the bathroom. What happens if he doesn’t eat? Should I say something? Will I regret it?
Are those my eyes in the mirror over the sink? They look haunted. Pained. All I’ve wanted all this time is to be with him, and now that I am, I’m walking on eggshells, almost afraid to breathe too hard.
This is Ren. He’s the same person I’ve always known. I need to draw him out. Somehow.
It gives me hope to step out of the bathroom and find him eating like he is half-starved. “I didn’t notice how hungry I was,” he tells me before shoveling more into his mouth. My heart swells as I take my seat and begin eating, which is a lot easier to do now that I know he’s in a good mood.
Rather than ask whether he slept, I say, “I didn’t want to disturb you, but I figured you’d need to eat.”
“Thank you.” His smile softens what’s left of my uneasiness. “Sorry to be so busy, but it’s worth it. I found what looks like a compound outside of Reno.”
“Oh? That’s good.” I don’t know whether it’s good or not, but he seems happy about it.
“My eyes are burning, though.” He rubs both fists over his eyes, then picks up the coffee and drinks deeply.
“You look tired,” I murmur, careful not to say too much.
“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it.” He sets down the cup and finally takes a good look at me. “How are you? Did you sleep okay?”
“Just fine. I had the whole bed to myself.”
He offers a sheepish grin that threatens to break my heart. There’s my Ren, looking at me from across the table. “Sorry. I was too wrapped up to sleep. But we’re coming close to the end, angel. I feel it.”
“I hope so,” I tell him, and I mean it. Do I ever.
“I need you by my side. I can’t do this without you.” He stands up, stretching and groaning like he hasn’t been out of the chair in hours.
“And you don’t have to. You never do. I’m always here.”
He turns away toward the window, and even now, I can’t help but get lost in the sight of him. The sunlight plays perfectly off his features, highlighting his profile, the planes of his cheeks, and the sharpness of his jaw. His dark beauty brings to mind an angel.
An avenging angel, weapons in hand, prepared to wreak destruction on all those who cause him pain.
I want to help him. I do. I just don’t understand what he’s talking about or why my assurances aren’t enough. Am I not using the right words? Which words can I use, then? Do they exist, the magic combination of syllables that will somehow convince him of my devotion?
He’s still so far away. That’s a part of the problem. Maybe a big part of it. The separation that’s sprung up between us. The way it seems like he’s holding himself back, apart from me. Is it because I now know his secrets? That could be it. Like he’s ashamed somehow or afraid I’ll use his vulnerability as a weapon against him.
As if I ever could—but he has no way of knowing that. I’m the only person he’s ever trusted enough to tell about that terrible time in his life. It has to be scary, even if I doubt he’d ever admit it. Eventually, he’ll realize I’m not going to hurt him. He’s safe with me.
If only I knew how long it would take. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this, with me always afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and set him off. Nothing could change my feelings for him, but if I can’t show them for fear of him pushing me away? How long before something splinters beyond repair?
We need to get back to us. It’ll be up to me to get us there. He’s too lost, too deep in what he feels he needs to do.
I have to bring him out of that. Somehow.
With my heart in my throat, I approach him as quietly as I can manage, one slow step at a time. He must sense my approach, but he doesn’t move except to grip the windowsill with both hands.
Holding my breath, I reach out, placing a hand on his shoulder. A tingle runs up my arm at the slight contact. God, it hurts. Being with him and without him at the same time.
“I need you.” The entirety of my wounded, lonely heart is wrapped up in those three words. I can’t think of a better way to get my point across. “Please, don’t turn away from me.”
He keeps me waiting, staring out the window, but at least he doesn’t push my hand away. “I haven’t. It’s complicated.”
“It doesn’t need to be. Since when can’t you share things with me? This is me, Ren. Scarlet. You wanted me so much before.”
“I still do.”
“So why won’t you touch me? You’ve barely put a hand on me since the first night we were here together. Did I do something wrong? Please, tell me, so I can do better.”
“It has nothing to do with that.”
“What, then? Nothing has changed for me. I still want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything or anyone. You’re the only person who matters.” My voice cracks, and I’m almost embarrassed, but no. I won’t allow it. I have to let myself be vulnerable. Maybe then, he’ll understand these aren’t mere words.
I take a step, placing myself against his back. So close, but so far. It’s torture, standing here like this. Touching him, smelling him, and letting his warmth envelop me. Afraid of what happens if I go too far, yet not knowing what’s too far until I’ve already crossed a line.
“You know,” I whisper, “you owe me another first. It’s not my birthday, but you have lost time to make up for.”
He turns his head, looking at my hand before touching his lips to my fingers. A ghost of a smile appears on his face.
“You want to know why I haven’t fucked you yet? That’s the problem here?”
One of so many .
I try not to give away my disappointment. “You couldn’t keep your hands off me before, especially when we were alone. Now, we’re all alone in the middle of nowhere. No chance of anyone interrupting us, and you’re treating me like I have a disease.”
His slow, heavy sigh speaks volumes. “That’s not it at all. I’m not trying to keep you at arm’s distance. I’m trying to do the right thing. Once I slide inside you and claim you for the first time, there won’t be any taking back your virginity. There won’t be any changing who your first is, and I want to make certain I’m who you want.”
“Nothing has changed, Ren. I wanted you years ago, and I want you more now. I’ve known you would be the one to take my virginity. I saved it for you.” With my free hand, I traced the curve of his back, from broad shoulders down to his slim waist.
A shudder escapes him, his breath coming out shaky. That’s nothing compared to what’s happening inside me—the flood of emotion, the longing and hunger, the sense of hanging breathlessly at the edge of a precipice.
I wonder what will happen once I fall over. What’s waiting for me?
“You’ll always be mine after that. Once I claim you, there’s no going back. No escaping me.” He skims my knuckles with his lips, sending tiny goose bumps of pleasure up my arm, the sensation going straight to my core.
It’s almost too much. I can’t stand the intensity of the sensations he stirs up without trying. I need him so badly. More than air, more than water, or food. It never ends, this need, this hunger.
“I don’t want to escape you, ever.” Then I think twice about it as I lean in, resting my cheek against his back. “No. There will never be any decision. It would be like deciding to breathe.”
My breath catches when he turns and takes my face in his huge rough hands. Every time he holds me like this, I imagine him holding the most fragile piece of glass. “Still? You still want me, even after everything that’s happened? After what I told you I wanted to do? After the things that happened with your brother and knowing I’m the enemy.”
All I hear is him making up reasons we shouldn’t do this or why we can’t. I don’t actually hear him coming up with a reason as to why he wouldn’t want to. Everything else is an outside force pushing against us. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. All I care about is him.
“Yes.” I lean into his touch, my eyes closing so I can focus on the miracle of his hands on me. Holding me gently, tenderly. “Always.”
He touches his forehead to mine, breathing heavily, his hands drifting down to my waist.
“Look at me,” he whispers, so I lift my head, my eyes finding his. They’re glowing, warm, and full of love.
I could cry—I think I might, too, the pressure in my chest and behind my eyes hinting at the wave of emotion threatening to crash down.
Anticipation bubbles up inside me. I know it’s going to hurt. I’ve read enough romance novels and watched enough movies. I just hope Ren can make it good for me.
The temptation builds, and the longer he stares at me, the faster my heart beats. In an instant, the tension snaps, and his mouth presses against mine, shoving all our worries to the wayside.
His kiss is like setting a match to a pile of dry kindling, the power of it is enough to make me shudder, and I snake my arms around his neck, pulling him down, demanding more. My body’s running away from me, but I don’t care. There’s no room for conscious thought when I need him the way I do.
His arms close around my waist, and he lifts me off my feet, pulling me tighter to him, walking me across the room and into the bedroom. My nipples become tight peaks, my arousal splintering through me.
All the while, he kisses me—hard, deep, almost angrily. I meet his energy, our teeth clash, our tongues tangle, and my lips sting from the pressure as I give myself what I need for as long as he’ll give it to me.
His hands roam my body the moment I’m back on my feet, moving up and down my back before dipping under my sweatshirt and pulling it up. Our mouths part only long enough to pull the shirt over my head and for me to do the same to his T-shirt. Then he’s back on me, his arms close around me again, crushing my body to him the way he crushes his mouth to mine, and it’s all I can do to keep from weeping in relief.
He wants me. He still wants me.
“Scarlet… my angel…” he murmurs like it’s a prayer, his voice deep. He punctuates the words by peppering kisses along my jaw, chin, and down my throat. His kisses leave a fiery path on my skin, and I’m burning up for him. Every nerve ending is on fire.
I tip my head back, offering him my throat, and all of me. I know I won’t regret it. I’m greedy for him. After all this time, I’m finally getting the relief I need.
“You taste so fucking delicious… like honey and nectar.” The growl in his throat makes every hair on my body stand on end.
His fingers trail against my smooth skin as he lowers me to the bed. My knees buckle as he’s doing so, the need making my vision hazy. I peer up at him through hooded eyes.
He seems to know exactly what I need and how I need it. He always has—on my birthday, at the party, now. It’s him.
His own gaze is a feral mixture of desperation and need.
Body trembling, he pushes his own needs aside. I can see the physical strength and effort it takes for him to go slow, and I’m thankful. His shoulders and biceps flex as I run my hands over them. Though he seems tired, his body is still lean and muscled. The body of an athlete.
He leans forward and takes one of my stiff peaks between his lips. He tugs, his tongue circling the nipple, and a silent gasp escapes my parted lips. The sensations aren’t foreign, but they spark an already roaring fire.
With his other hand, he gently massages my other breast, pinching the bud and rolling it between two fingers. He’s worshiping me, and all I can do is tangle my fingers in his hair and hold him to my chest, refusing to let go.
“Oh god, that feels so good.” I whimper, and my head rolls from side to side in the wake of the tension building in my core.
And though his labored breathing hints at his haste to bury himself deep inside me, he takes his time, teasing every last ounce of bliss from my already heated body by lapping at my nipples, building me up until I’m ready to crack, all while his ocean blue eyes penetrate mine from beneath dark lashes.
That’s the hottest part of all; when I look down to find him watching me. Our gazes meet, and something indescribable passes between us. Deeper and hotter than anything I’ve ever known. An unspoken understanding. He knows what he’s doing to me and loves every moment of the absolute submission and trust I’m putting in him. And not only because it feels incredible—dear god, does it ever—but because we’re together. At this moment, it’s the two of us. Nobody on the outside, no past, not even a future. Nothing but the present moment.
My center is dripping wet, and I can feel myself clenching tightly.
I want him. I need him.
“You’re so fucking beautiful it hurts,” he whispers as his lips ghost against my skin, and I shiver at the profound meaning of them.
His hot kisses melt me to the core. Slowly, he works his way down my chest, over my stomach, and down my hips, inching closer and closer to the spot where I desperately ache for him. I can feel my cheeks heating as he pulls back his gaze, wandering over my naked body. I’ve never been embarrassed about my body, never worried about how I looked in his eyes, but now, half-naked, I feel doubt rearing its ugly head.
“I could look at you all day and never grow tired. I’ve waited so long for this moment, and all I want to do is sit here and stare at you while I enjoy the glow of your pleasure.”
“I’ve wanted this moment to happen forever, too,” I croak, the emotions swirling inside me, making it hard to speak.
“Waiting till you were old enough nearly killed me, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew that if I could give you time, maybe you’d realize I was nothing more than a lustful crush. Maybe you’d be able to move on and find someone else.”
I lick my suddenly dry lips. “There was never anyone else for me, Ren. I knew at the age of twelve I wanted you to be my first, to be my forever, and that hasn’t changed. Nothing can change fate or what we have.”
“I’m glad you didn’t find anyone else. I would’ve hated to know I had to end any lives at such a young age. There is no way I’d allow another man to touch you.” The jealous tone of his voice heightens my senses.
A moment passes between us, my chest rises rapidly, and my heart beats through my chest.
Ren shakes his head, and strands fly, but I’m so caught up in the beautifully dark look on his face. “I don’t deserve you, angel. I really fucking don’t… but that doesn’t mean I won’t keep you. It doesn’t mean I will stop myself from tainting you. Making you mine means sharing my darkness with you, and I can’t wait to see you as the queen you are by my side.”
Before I can form a coherent thought or response, he’s on me again, his hands circle my waist, and his thumbs dip into the sides of the sweatpants. In one swift pull, he’s exposing inch after inch of my skin to the cool air and his hot breath. I can hardly breathe now.
My clit throbs painfully, and a shudder ripples through me as he tosses the pants to the floor. I’m teetering, ready to dive headfirst into the abyss, when he finally touches me.
His fingers trail gently down my legs, and I spread my thighs without thought, beckoning him forward without speaking.
He drops to his knees by the side of the bed, and I lift my head to find him staring down at my bare pussy. A wet spot forms under me, my arousal as plain as day. I can only imagine what he sees.
I look back up at him. He doesn’t appear unhappy—no, just the opposite. He wets his lips with the tip of his tongue, his nostrils flare, and his gaze becomes hooded, painting the picture of a man lost in lust.
“Mine,” he growls. “All mine.”
“Yes.” In my desperation, I lift my hips, offering myself to him. Almost demanding him, my body so hungry I would do anything to get him where I need him most.
“So greedy for pleasure, aren’t you?” He lifts my legs, hooking my knees over his shoulders before devouring my inner thighs with wet, sloppy kisses. Oh god, he’s getting closer, closer to where I need him most. His teeth scrape the sensitive skin, his fingers sinking deep into my flesh.
A touch both bruising and sensual.
If he’s not careful, he’ll mark me. Bruise me.
I want him to. I want to bear the marks from his teeth on my thighs.
I want to feel him there even after this is over.
He nips at my thigh, his teeth sink into the meaty flesh, and I whimper. The touch of pain makes my blood pump faster.
“Jesus, you were made for me. I have hardly touched you, but your pussy weeps, begging for me to touch it.” He blows hot air against it, and I flinch. “So responsive, too, just like that night I ate your pussy for the first time. I wanted to die between your pretty thighs, and now I happily can. I can feast whenever I please.”
“Ren. I need you, please…” I beg, my core tightens, and I just need him to touch me. With a deep, primal grunt, he buries his face in my pussy at last, driving his tongue between my swollen lips to lap at my juices.
His deep, reverberating groans threaten to send me over the edge—I’m driving him crazy, turning him into a mindless animal driven by one need only: to claim me, once and for all. To indulge in my body.
The pleasure is so intense, but I need more. I grind my hips and plunge my fingers into his hair. My nails sink into his scalp, and I’m helpless to do anything but what my body demands. I need to come. I need the relief only he can give me. As much as I don’t want this to ever end, I’ll die if it doesn’t.
I can’t take much more of it.
By the time his tongue finds my clit and treats it to a series of quick, light flicks, the tension in my core explodes.
“I’m coming!” I scream, unable to stop myself.
Euphoria overtakes me, and I slip into a heavenly headspace while I spasm. My legs tighten around his head as I ride it out, wave after wave of relief rolling over me, leaving me breathless and on the verge of losing my voice while crying out again and again.
“Ren! Oh god, Ren!” I don’t know if I’m laughing, crying, or both. I’m completely wrecked and totally at his mercy.
He answers me silently by taking hold of my hips, his grasp firm, forceful even, keeping me in place. The pleasure continues to build, and even though I just came, I can feel another orgasm on the cusp. Pain and pleasure mix, and I can’t stop the impending orgasm. The friction of Ren’s tongue against my clit as he licks me faster, builds into a crescendo.
“Stop… oh god,” I whimper, trying to escape his touch before it sets me on fire. Instead of falling from the cliff and reaching the valley, the sensation plateaus, leaving me suspended between tension and ecstasy. On and on it goes, with every touch of his tongue.
Just when I’m certain nothing can make this better or bring me more pleasure, I feel him at my entrance. He slips a finger inside my tight channel, and I nearly convulse.
“Come on, angel, you can give me one more. Gush that sweet nectar on my tongue and come on my fingers, so I know you’re ready to take my cock.”
His voice barely meets my ears, but I know one thing is certain.
He won’t stop until I come again. My core tightens to the point of pain, and all I can do is fist the sheets with one hand and try to fight off his merciless touch with the other.
“I can’t take anymore.” I moan, on the verge of sobbing, but he doesn’t stop. I can hear the wet strokes of his finger pumping in and out of me. He adds a second finger, stretching me, and I tip my head back into the pillows.
I’m on the verge of death. Death by orgasm.
“Come for me, Scarlet, or I won’t give you my cock.” I grit my teeth, and he curls his finger inside me, bringing my pleasure to a new height. He’s touching something deep, something carnal and raw.
“Oh my…” My voice cracks, hell, maybe even I crack. I’m not sure. Everything fades to the background when I explode, my core tightening in pain and pleasure, squeezing Ren’s fingers so tight I’m worried he might lose them.
Goose bumps pebble my flesh, and I’m floating, receding into the unknown. Ren takes mercy on me then, his fingers slowing, his tongue no longer on my clit, but instead against my thigh and folds, lapping up my release like a kitten with a bowl of milk.
“Delicious. I could eat you for every meal and still be hungry.” His compliment makes me smile, but I’m so exhausted all I can do is sigh.
“I think I died and came back to life,” I whimper as he slowly moves again, his fingers gently pushing in and out of me. My pulse rings in my ears, and my breathing is so erratic you would think I ran a marathon.
I watch, dazed, almost overcome all over again by the sight of him taking pleasure in me. And it’s for me. All for me.
I’ve never felt more ready, more hungry, and needy for him than I do now. A few more strokes and he withdraws his fingers, bringing them to his mouth. Those blue eyes of his flutter closed, and pure satisfaction overtakes his features.
When his eyes open again, the blue is darker, more striking against his skin, and he stands, popping the button on his jeans to lower them along with his boxers. His cock springs free, standing heavily between his legs.
It appears angry, the head red and swollen with need. He crawls up the length of my body, blanketing me with his warmth. Placing a kiss on the side of my mouth, he arranges himself between my thighs.
This is where he belongs, cradled by my body, my arms and legs wrapped around him while he positions his dripping head at my still-quivering entrance.
This is it. My body tenses with anticipation while my heart thumps like a hammer, threatening to burst free of my chest.
If it were anyone but him looking down at me and anyone else’s heart racing against my chest, I might be afraid. I might close my eyes and brace myself, waiting for the pain to pass. Hoping it would happen quickly.
But it’s Ren. It’s his familiar eyes and his beloved face.
“This is it, angel. Your last chance to be free. After this, you’re mine forever,” he whispers against my mouth.
If I didn’t love him before, I would be hopelessly, completely his now. This simple act of pausing to make sure I am ready is all I need to confirm this is right. This is meant to be.
Cupping his cheek, I stare into his eyes. “I’ve always been yours.”
He smiles. “Good. I’ll be as gentle as I can be, but I can’t promise anything. I’ve wanted you for so long… you make me unhinged.”
I nod, holding on tight.
I don’t care if he’s gentle or not. I want this too much.
Balancing himself on one arm, he rubs the head of his cock through my folds, wetting the tip. His gaze is caught between us, watching himself. It’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever witnessed. Taking himself into his hand, he guides himself to my entrance, nudging gently.
Our eyes connect, his hips press forward, and in a split second, the world fills with a burst of light, a single moment of pain wrapped in pleasure that goes deeper than anything physical.
Soul deep.
Finally, he’s inside me, entering me an inch at a time, and I feel every last bit of him as he stretches and fills me. It’s so much better than I ever imagined, better than my wildest dreams.
The pinch of pain and uncomfortableness are worth it.
I’m wet beyond measure, and that makes it easy for him to move in and out of me without much resistance.
“Fuck… so tight...” he groans, long and low, holding himself still for a moment before pulling back and plunging in again.
The force rocks me.
“You’re stretching me.” I groan as the pain dissipates.
“Yes, you’re mine in every single way. Only I will fit between your thighs and inside you,” he grits through his teeth, his hand cradling the side of my face. The battle between gentle and rough winds.
He thrusts forward, and I can feel how big he is, feel the way he forces me to take him, even as my body tries to resist. I lean into his touch, turning my head to kiss the palm of his hand.
I wrap my legs around him, locking my ankles to pull him deeper. He’s holding me close as well, and I know he would never let anything hurt me. I can fall to pieces so long as I’m in his arms.
A bead of sweat forms on his brow, and I can see the concentration etched into the dark contours of his face. He’s holding back, resisting temptation, but I don’t want him to hold back.
I want him to take from me with the same energy he gives me.
“Don’t hold back,” I whisper, eager to make sure he knows he can take from me however he needs to. “Don’t be gentle.”
“Fuck. You kill me, angel.” He lowers his head, his lips and tongue glide over my throat, and the sound of his heavy breathing in my ear mixes with my heartbeat. His hips piston forward, stroking me deeper and pushing me harder and faster. He’s on the verge of cracking, fucking me like he needs to, like he should.
“Fuck me, Ren,” I moan, dragging my nails across his back. “Fuck me. Please. Don’t be gentle.”
“You’re going to be very sore once I’m through with you,” he announces with a growl. All I can do is smile when he moves faster, driving himself deep, so deep and hard I have to grit my teeth against the mixed pain and pleasure—but more pleasure than pain, beyond the physical, the satisfaction of knowing he’s taking pleasure in me as I do in him.
That’s the last thing that goes through my mind before I find myself reaching the edge of the cliff again, falling over it with a guttural moan a second before the sweet tremors roll through me, my muscles gripping him even tighter than before.
And he feels it. “Oh fuck, Scarlet. You’re squeezing my cock so tight, milking me.”
His hips move faster, in and out, in and out, quicker with every beat of my heart. I’m so wet, the sounds my body makes as he enters me should embarrass me, but they only add to the pleasure.
“Fuck, I knew this moment would be worth the wait. You’re so perfect,” Ren praises with a rabid look in his eyes, and all I can do is hold on as he plunges inside me, each stroke sinking its claws deeper into my core.
Pain spreads through my abdomen when he picks up his pace. I ignore it, pushing it to the back of my mind.
“I don’t think I can stop myself from fucking you the way I want to.” His white teeth are bared, and I can tell he’s still holding back. A whimper escapes me, and his lips descend on mine a moment later as he fucks me into oblivion, every thrust opening up something dark and sinister inside me.
Sweat forms against our bodies, and I’m not sure how much longer I can take the ache in my core; though fluttering with bits of pleasure, it still burns with every thrust.
I break the kiss and look into his eyes. “Ren. I don’t know how much longer I can go.”
Gritting his teeth, he pushes harder, my body moving up the mattress—the only thing keeping me in place is his hold on me.
“Shit, fuck. I’m going to come. I’m going to come inside your pussy, inside my pussy.” I don’t miss the claim and hide my wince of pain by biting the inside of my cheek hard enough that I taste blood.
Throwing his head back, he lets out a roar that threatens to break my eardrums. He twitches deep inside me, and a wave of warmth spreads through my center. After a moment, he presses a gentle kiss on my clammy forehead and falls to the side, leaving me all at once.
He’s not gone long. I’m too limp and sedated to resist the pull of his arms. He gathers me up in them, my head resting against his chest, and I have the satisfaction of listening to his deep, happy sigh.
If I could only freeze us here, at this exact moment, for eternity.
When everything is perfect. When the world consists of the two of us and no one else. I’ve never been this happy, never knew it was possible to feel this deep sense of belonging. Fulfillment. I know who I am, where I want to be, and what I want to be doing as frequently as possible. In every possible way. Something tells me Ren won’t mind. I smile at the thought and snuggle closer to him, practically purring like a cat stretched out in the sun.
Reality comes crashing in all at once when a strange, wet sensation between my thighs reminds me of what he did.
What is now dripping out of me.
Terror grabs hold of me.
Oh god. “Ren. You came inside me.”
He snorts, then groans, his breath stirring my hair as his hand rubs gentle circles on my arm. “You’re right, I did, and I’ll do it again and again.”
Is that pride in his voice?
Does he not understand the depth of what I’m trying to say?
“I’m not on birth control yet. You can’t do that.” I release a sharp exhale.
“I can’t? You’re telling me what I can and can’t do? Especially when it comes to you? No . I’m clean, angel, and haven’t had sex for a very long time, and I refuse to let anything come between us. There will be no barriers when I take you. I’d rather take the risk of getting you pregnant.”
“I’m just saying,” I blurt out while dread begins rising at the edge in his voice. “I’d love a family, but?—”
“But nothing. When you let me take you, we became one. I’ll cherish you, care for you, and protect you at any cost, but I will always come inside your pussy. It can’t be any other way. Won’t be.”
He smiles lovingly at me and is almost heartbreakingly gentle as he strokes my hair, the strands running through his fingers. “I told you, there’s no going back once I claim you. I intend to make you mine in every way possible. Getting you pregnant is high on my priority list, right beside marrying you.”
On the one hand, the fact that he’s even thinking along those lines is enough to make my pulse race. A future. A family. The two of us. I can almost see it in my head, so close I could reach out and touch it.
On the other hand, I wonder if I’m ever going to get a choice in when these milestones occur.
Who am I kidding? Women in our world rarely get a choice.
What we do is hold on to our men and love them as hard as we can.
My arms tighten around him like I’m thinking the thought out loud, taking the concept literally. I’m more than prepared to do that.
Even if it means loving him through whatever he’s going through.
He stirs, pulling me from the direction my thoughts have taken. I can’t say I’m sorry for it. I don’t want these troubling thoughts tainting what should be a happy, almost sacred moment. Lying in the arms of the man I love, I’m finally fully his.
“Let’s get you cleaned up,” he suggests with a chuckle. “We could both use a shower now, though I have bad news.”
“What is it?” I lift my head far enough to read his smirk and the way his eyes sparkle. If only I could make it so he’s always so happy and peaceful. I want nothing more.
“There isn’t always enough hot water. We’re going to have to share the shower and conserve it.” He can’t hide his glee. “It’s the responsible thing to do.”
I can’t feign seriousness the way he does, giggling at him instead. I’ve missed the playful energy he exudes. “We don’t want to be irresponsible.” My body has different ideas, though, sore muscles screaming at me like I personally offended them as soon as I try to move.
The soreness in my core leaves a slight sting as I press my thighs together. My heart softens until it’s nearly melted when Ren takes notice. His dark brows draw together with concern, his body stiffening beside mine.
“Are you sore? I tried so hard to be gentle, but my desire for you overrode every rational thought. I’d apologize, but I can’t. I want you to be sore. I want you to remember who it was that claimed you. Need you to feel me deep inside with every move you make.”
“I know.” The hand I smooth over his cheek seems to soothe him, but only a little. “Every first time hurts, or at least from what I’ve read.”
“The first time.” It’s almost like he’s savoring the words he whispers.
Like they’re the words to a prayer or a spell. He must notice the quizzical look I give him because he smiles sheepishly. “I can’t pretend the thought of being your first doesn’t make me hard as steel, angel. Hell, even now, I want to fuck you again.”
He cups my cheek, gazing deep into my eyes. “Your first and only.”
A sweet, pleasurable warmth spreads through me while he strokes my cheek, staring into the confines of my soul.
“My first and only,” I agree, and I mean every word with every part of me. “It’s always been you, Ren. And it always will be.”
His slow, sure smile tells me it was the right thing to say.