21. Ren
21
REN
N othing in the world has ever been as important as what I’m doing now, crouched in the tub before the woman I worship, cleaning the remnant of my cum and her juices from her pussy as gently as possible after taking it for the first time. The first of many. My dick twitches at the thought and comes damn close to convincing me the next time is here and now.
At least I can say I made it into heaven one time in my life since I know I won’t be going there when I die. Taking Scarlet’s virginity, owning and worshiping her, broke something inside me while also fusing the warped pieces back together.
There is no way to describe the effect it had over me. I am her first, last, and call me a selfish bastard, but nothing makes me happier than knowing it will only ever be me who had her.
But no, not now. First, I need to care for her. The fact of her being mine extends past the freedom to claim her body. It’s a responsibility. It means making sure she has everything she needs, and right now, that’s the gentlest touch against flesh I made sore. I ignore the warm water hitting my shoulders and back, the hair dripping in my face, in favor of washing her most private places.
Rather, places private to everyone in the world except me. She’ll keep nothing from me now, not ever again.
I stand when I’ve finished and set the washcloth aside in favor of drawing her into the protective circle of my arms. “Sex won’t always hurt between us, once you become accustomed to it,” I promise, my lips brushing the halo of blond hair sticking to her forehead.
She has never been more precious to me. Nothing ever has.
“Even if it did, I wouldn’t care.” She has a knack for saying exactly what I need to hear. Then again, she was made for me.
I look down at her heart-shaped face and sparkling blue eyes seeking out comfort. I’m so lost in my own thoughts I’ve neglected her and that won’t do.
“This is much better than taking a cold shower alone,” I whisper, almost laughing. I can’t even count the number of cold showers I’ve taken in my life.
“Hmm?” Scarlet’s voice is soft and a little dazed, like she’s still caught up in the whole post-sex haze, her cheek resting against my chest while steam billows around us.
I can’t pretend I’m not glad. It’s gratifying as hell, being the man who took her to those heights. Finally.
She’s mine, all of her.
She’ll never look at another man, knowing what I can do to her. And she will never forget what happened today, not as long as she lives.
It was good for her, and that’s all I wanted. For her not to look back in regret, the way so many people do when they remember their first time. She’s not some random woman to me. She’s worth so much more than that.
“It’s nicer taking a shower with you than it is to punish myself with icy water, so I’ll stop wanting you so much.” I run the soapy cloth over her back in slow circles—probably too slow, come to think of it.
At this rate, we’ll run out of hot water, but I can’t bring myself to rush. Not when I finally have everything I’ve ever asked for.
“You did that?” She pushes away from my chest until there’s room to look up at me. Bewilderment flickers in her eyes. “People take literal cold showers? I thought that was a myth.”
“I do—or I did.” I correct myself. Not anymore. Not now.
I have her, completely, and I intend to make the most of that from now on. Of course, I won’t be taking her again for a few days, but once she’s acclimated to sex, I’ll do whatever I can to satisfy my appetite for her.
She leans against me again, and I continue washing her while the hot water holds out. It’s the thought of the icy needles hitting her that keeps me moving when I’d really like to make her suck me off. Note to self: see what, if anything, can be done about upgrading the water heater.
As it turns out, the shower begins to run cool, so I turn off the taps. She shivers, rubbing her arms to warm herself while I reach for one of the towels waiting on the edge of the sink. I wrap her in it, tightening it around her.
“Go out to the kitchen so you can dry off by the stove.”
She wastes no time—the sound of her happy groan once she’s in the warm kitchen makes me laugh before I join her, drying off as I do. I’m less worried about the cold, but Scarlet is fragile. I don’t want her to go without anything.
“Let me help you with that.” Taking the towel, I finish drying her, then turn my attention to her hair.
“This is nice,” she murmurs from under the towel, and I don’t know whether she’s talking about the warmth from the stove or having me shower and dry her off. It doesn’t matter. She’s happy, and I want to keep her that way. I’d do anything to keep her smiling and feeling good.
If only there wasn’t the sense of betraying my brother throughout all of this. My loyalties hang in the balance here, and I can’t help but wonder what River would think of our slice of domestic bliss.
I doubt he’s ever experienced anything close to love, not with the way he hates being around other people unless it’s necessary.
We’ve both suffered tremendously.
I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day, shrinking our brains and studying the ways our shared trauma shaped us into who we are now.
“Okay, I think it’s as dry as it’s going to get it.”
Scarlet giggles and ducks from beneath the towel before snatching it away. I must’ve zoned out. “I’m going to need a brush. Or a comb.”
“You can use mine for now,” I offer on my way to the bedroom.
Yet another item she’s missing. I should make a list before going out to town—no, on second thought, she’ll need to come with me.
I can’t leave her alone here.
I want to trust her, but she’s only human. And I’ve witnessed enough of her schemes when she was a kid to know how her mind works. She might not get it in her head to run away, but she’s a curious little cat. I have no doubt she’d at least wander outside. What if she gets lost? Or hurt?
Nobody ever told me how stressful it would be, finally getting the one thing I’ve always wanted. The one person. She’s my responsibility and a hundred times more precious than she ever was before, now that I’ve claimed her body along with her heart.
“Sit.” With a towel around my waist, I pull one of the kitchen chairs close to the stove and take a seat before leaning back to fish a rubber band from the junk drawer. “I’ll braid your hair for you.”
“You’ll what?” she asks with a tiny laugh, wrapping the towel around her chest. I wish she wouldn’t, of course. I’ll never grow tired of looking at her. But I can respect her need to be modest; we have the rest of our lives together.
“Sit your cute little ass down on my lap, and I’ll show you.”
Her blue eyes become skeptical, but she complies, perching gingerly on my lap before I pull her more firmly against me.
Close. I always need her close.
For one second, I allow myself to lean forward and breathe her in. She smells like me and her usual Scarlet scent. Wildflowers, pure. Her scent calms me in an instant, and I suck another greedy breath into my lungs before I grab the comb. Slowly, I comb, carefully untangling her wet locks. They’re a darker shade of blond, thanks to the dampness, shining and fragrant. Her soft sighs along with the proximity of her ass to my dick threaten to get me hard.
I doubt she’d mind, but there are other things to accomplish. I can’t indulge myself in her all day long, no matter how much I wish I could.
Once she’s combed out, I separate the hair into three sections, which I comb again before taking them between my fingers and weaving them together.
“Who taught you how to braid?” she asks with laughter in her voice.
“Who do you think?” I work carefully, keeping the three sections smooth. “Luna. She used to make me practice with her on her dolls back when she first learned how. You should’ve heard her bitching me out when I’d get it wrong.”
Her giggles take me back, reminding me of my little sister’s giggles.
All the times I’ve heard the two of them laughing together. I used to roll my eyes and brush them off. I didn’t have time for their bullshit—or so I considered it at the time.
A wave of wistfulness hits me out of nowhere. Longing. I’ve spent so long wishing for Scarlet, wanting her, craving her, that I forgot everything else I miss after taking its presence for granted.
“I guess we all do it,” I murmur to myself.
“Do what?”
I didn’t mean to say it out loud, so her question took me by surprise. “Take things for granted. Luna, for instance. She’s at the top of the list. There’s never been a day I didn’t appreciate her presence, but I took the little moments for granted. Like when she bullied me into learning how to braid so I could braid her hair when it got too long for her to handle on her own.”
My fingers are suddenly clumsy. Fuck, I miss her. I didn’t understand until now how I deliberately avoid thinking about her so I could avoid the pain coursing through me. The guilt, the pressure in my chest.
There were always going to be sacrifices. Necessary ones.
Yes, and I’m doing this just as much for River and me as I am for her. Aside from Scarlet, she’s the only source of sunshine in my otherwise dark life.
Soon. We’ll be together soon .
I can’t wait to tell her it’s all over. She was too young to understand what went down at Safe Haven, but she lost as much as I did.
She’ll be proud of her brothers. We can finally move on, all three of us.
I’m well aware it’s the presence of the woman in my lap that will get me the rest of the way to the goal line. Not that I was ever doubtful. Even if I lost faith and decided I didn’t have the balls to get it done, River would’ve never let me get away with giving up.
But Scarlet gives me the extra courage and focus needed to push forward. Only the thought of her sleeping peacefully last night, deserving so much more than a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere, kept me working long past the point of exhaustion. The sooner this is all over, the sooner we can move on to our happily ever after .
And it will be one—for all of us.
Once I finish, I place a kiss on the back of her neck.
“Wanna take a ride with me?”
She turns around fast enough to almost whip me with the braid. “A ride? Where?” The way her eyes sparkle suddenly makes me feel sorry for keeping her here. There’s no other way at the moment. All the more reason to move forward and get this over with once and for all.
“The nearest town is a few miles from here. We’ll need more supplies, and you could use clothes that fit you.”
“That would be great.” I expect her to ask if I have the money—and for an instant, I think she’s about to do just that—but she bites her tongue. I mean, why would I offer if there was no money? But she’s a worrier. I have to adjust to that.
“How about I make dinner for us tonight, too?” I pull her closer, soaking in her warmth and sweetness. “Whatever you want.”
She buries her face in my neck, her lips tickling my skin. “I thought you didn’t know how to cook.”
“I’m not a chef,” I remind her, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t cook. You should see me boil spaghetti. And potatoes? I can bake the fuck out of a potato.”
“Either one sounds good.” Yes, I’m sure oatmeal and peanut butter are wearing thin. So thin, in fact, she hurries through getting dressed and even hums while she does so. It feels unfair, knowing it’s so easy to make her happy. It takes so little. How can I bring myself to believe I’m in any way worthy of her?
I have all this darkness inside me, seething and roiling. It’s so easy for me to lose my grip. All she’s ever wanted was to be with me because she only ever saw the parts of me that didn’t leave me recoiling in shame. She saw the good and figured that was all there was to me.
Her hero.
Now, her hero’s going to take her to the sort of town that has a total of maybe three traffic lights and one big box store, all so he can provide her with more than the bare necessities. It’s pitiful, really.
I’m not about to tell her that, of course. I’ll keep it to myself, as I’ve kept so many things.
Such as the dual nature of this trip. The email from River I found waiting in my inbox this morning. The mission I’m on is one year in the making.
He stays less than a half hour from the cabin while hunting for fresh victims in the area. According to River’s research, his favorite cult elder and mine covers this territory while Rebecca sends her son to Reno.
I suppose enough isolated, dissatisfied people exist around here to make venturing from the new compound worthwhile.
Christian Grady, aka my worst nightmare as a child. There was never any escaping his watchful eye. He couldn’t have been too far outside his teens, yet he was given charge over us kids. I guess because Joseph imagined he’d be relatable.
Relatable? More like sadistic. I didn’t understand when I was a kid, not entirely. I knew he seemed to enjoy inflicting corporal punishment—his quiet assurances to the contrary were bullshit that even I could see through. I had no idea that some people got off on feeling powerful over those they saw as weak.
He always reminded us that it was for the best.
That God wanted it that way.
When, in reality, Joseph wanted it that way.
He’s the key. He’s what we need to get into the compound.
On the surface, my goal is to get that information from him. Codes to open the gates and the schedule kept by the guards. We’ll know what to expect once it comes time to drive to Reno and pay a visit to New Haven.
That is, once I get what I came for. A grim smile tugs at the corners of my mouth, and my blood starts pumping harder. I’ll end him tonight and watch as his life leaves his eyes.
With that in mind, the eagerness to reacquaint myself with my tormentor, I hurry through getting dressed. Scarlet laughs gently as I hustle her out the door, my anticipation growing with every passing minute.
Do you know your heartbeats are limited, Christian?
I see his smug face in my mind’s eye, the big, dark eyes he could soften or harden at will. I can’t imagine him having changed much over the years. If anything, he’s probably worse. He knows what he can get away with after having used innocent kids like me for practice.
She’s unaware, innocent as always, too busy taking in our surroundings to notice my distant attitude as we set off.
“Are there any other towns nearby, or is the one we’re visiting the only one?” Her question stirs me out of my dark reverie. I’m not ready to share any geographical information with her. I’m not sure if I can fully trust her yet.
“There are bigger ones farther away,” I tell her, reaching across the seat to squeeze her knee. “But don’t worry. Once everything’s settled, we won’t have to stay at the cabin anymore. We can go anywhere.”
“I was only curious. Not complaining.”
Still, there’s a strain in her voice—and when I look over at her, the concern written in the lines between her brows speaks volumes.
“You’re worried, aren’t you?”
She practically deflates on her exhale, as if she was only waiting for me to ask that question. Am I asking too much of her?
What if I am? What then? There’s no turning back now. River wouldn’t allow it even if I wanted to.
“Yes, I’m worried.” She covers my hand with hers, stroking the backs of my fingers. “But only because I don’t quite understand what you plan to do. I don’t know how dangerous this will be for you or us.”
“I can handle a little danger. I’ve been handling danger my entire life.”
“Yeah, but you weren’t mine then.”
Is it possible for a heart to burst from pride? If so, we’re both in trouble since I’m the one behind the wheel. Now is not the time for my heart to explode. “I’ve always been yours. Believe me, I won’t take any unnecessary risks. I have a reason to watch my ass now.”
“Are we going to Reno?”
“Not right away.” I don’t have anything concrete to share, so I’ll leave it there rather than confuse her any further. The less she knows, the better.
“But you’re going to want to confront those awful people.”
“For starters, yes.” I don’t want to plant ugly images in her head, so I’ll also keep that to myself. When I wasn’t obsessing over my need for her, I’d pass the time coming up with new and inventive ways to inflict pain and encourage regret.
The very thought of making them bleed and pay for all their wrongs gets my pulse racing.
“Okay.” She’s shaky. Concerned.
I can’t have that. As much as I wish she would go along without asking questions, I’d rather she bring up her concerns if it means allowing me to reassure her so she doesn’t suffer in silence.
“Hey. You don’t ever have to worry about yourself. If you remember nothing else, remember that. I’d rather die than let anyone hurt you.”
“I know that.” Her smile is much more relaxed and sincere now, easing my tension somewhat. All I have to worry about now is keeping her by my side once we arrive in town.
As I park the Jeep in front of the Walmart, I warn, “Stay close to me. No wandering off. I don’t want to have to kick someone’s ass.”
“Where would I go?” She looks around, grinning while she shrugs. “I don’t even know how to get back to the cabin.”
I’d prefer she say she wouldn’t know what to do without me, but I’ll let it go. It’s not worth getting into an argument over.
Is this what it means to be in a relationship? I’m sort of proud of myself.
Once we’re inside the store, there’s too much to look at and decide on to do much thinking beyond the present moment. I can almost forget the other reason for this trip while picking out leggings, socks, and underwear for Scarlet. And a pair of sneakers so she won’t have to wear my spare boots crammed with extra socks so they’ll fit better.
She’s agreeable throughout, linking an arm with mine as we walk from one department to the next. Like she’s satisfied simply to be together.
We could be any other couple running errands, one of those everyday events other people take for granted.
There’s nothing every day about what comes after this.
“Ooh, so you’re going with pasta?” Scarlet nudges me playfully, and I’m almost surprised to find myself holding a box of spaghetti.
I need to get my head in the game.
“Sure.” I pull a few more boxes off the shelf, along with jars of sauce. Enough to make it so we won’t need to go out for a while. After what I’m about to do, it’ll be to our advantage to lay low.
Cereal, oatmeal, canned soup, chili, and stew. She offers no opinion on any of it, willing to go along so long as it means we’re together. I don’t need her to tell me so. I feel it. She only wants to be with me.
How would she feel if she knew what came next?
She’ll have to get used to it, eventually.
And it isn’t as if she’s never been exposed to violence. She knows the score. Yet another way in which she’s meant for me.
“Cookies?” She holds up a package of Oreos, smiling hopefully.
“Sure. So long as you’re willing to share.” Her smile turns to a frown before she grabs a second bag and adds it to the cart.
I can’t help but laugh before pulling her in for a kiss.
Though before our lips meet, I catch the eye of a flannel-wearing guy at the other end of the aisle. It’s not me he’s watching. Not when Scarlet’s ass is so much more interesting.
“What is it?” she whispers, touching a hand to my cheek to turn my face toward hers again. My gaze locks on the asshole who thinks it’s a good idea to stare at my angel.
Mine, she’s mine; look away or learn to live without eyesight, dickhead.
Finally, he notices me glaring and has the good sense to clear his throat before turning away. That’s what I thought . If he had the first idea of what I’m prepared to do to keep her by my side, he’d move a hell of a lot faster.
She looks over her shoulder, but it’s too late to catch him. “What’s wrong? You looked like you were ready to kill somebody.”
Maybe I was. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” She looks worried, though, regardless. Even my kiss doesn’t seem to soothe her.
Eventually, I’ll have to learn to balance my possessive nature and the realities of life. I can’t go around threatening to murder every man who makes the mistake of looking at her. Not that it would bother me much to do it, but it would hurt her. My precious angel. I can’t have that.
Her heart is too good and too pure to be tainted by my darkness.
What sort of man does it make me, then, dragging her along on this errand? I promised myself I wouldn’t bring her into it. That I would keep her innocent.
That was a fantasy. I have to drop the fantasies if I hope to be the man she needs. The fact is, our situation makes bringing her along with me a necessity. I already decided it’s best to have her by my side since I can’t leave her alone—and I don’t know for sure how long this visit will take.
Christian might decide to be a tough guy and hold out on me.
Besides, she did say she’s with me on this.
I believe her—but would still rather not test her this way. Not so soon.
What’s the alternative? Having River do it himself?
It would mean bringing him here, where he would no doubt show up at the cabin and make things more uncomfortable than ever. And that’s the best-case scenario.
Red flags aplenty wave in my head at the idea.
No. It has to be me.
I can’t risk him coming here and taking his resentment out on her.
I can’t let him put me in a position where I have to choose between them.
“Where did you go?” She nudges me with her elbow as I wheel the cart away from the register toward the automatic doors.
I hardly remember checking out. I was that distracted. Amazing how much humans are capable of doing while on autopilot. Guilt snakes its way through me. She’s so happy to be with me, and I can’t be bothered to give her my full attention.
“I have a lot on my mind. You know that.” When she frowns, I silently curse myself. She’s the last person I want to alienate. I continue, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just… stressed.”
Stressed doesn’t even begin to cover what I am, but I can’t bear the thought of burdening her with my problems.
“It’s okay.”
But it isn’t. It’s as far from okay as possible. I want to punch myself in the face for being such an asshole.
At times like this, I wish River had never found me.
As much as I want Rebecca to suffer—and to keep other gullible people from suffering the way my family did—I can’t pretend my entire life hasn’t suffered as a result of our shared obsession.
Now, I’m causing my angel to suffer.
There will be casualties.
That’s what he told me, but I never intended for Scarlet to become one.
Once the bags are in the Jeep, I take her by the hips and pull her in. She stares up at me, her baby blues full of love and trust. She’ll never understand how desperately I cling to that now when I need her more than ever.
“There’s something else we have to do today.” Fuck me, this is hard. I can barely put the words together, dreading the moment the light drains from her eyes when she realizes the turn this trip is about to take.
“What is it?” she asks in her sweet voice, driving the knife deeper into my chest.
“You trust me, right?”
There it is. The bit of doubt that dims the light, like I knew it would. “I do.”
“Good.” I kiss the tip of her nose before leading her to the passenger door before I do something stupid like change my mind. “Then you’ll have to trust that what we’re going to do needs to be done.”