24. Scarlet
24
SCARLET
T he bright, glaring sunshine streaming through my bedroom window is like a sad joke. Mother Nature is making fun of me. Rubbing it in by reminding me how beautiful the world can be, when inside, I feel nothing but darkness as I go through the motions of brushing my teeth and getting dressed.
It’s always the same question rolling through my head like a wave. Who will I see today? Ren or River?
It’s almost too much for me to wrap my head around the morning after being with River. Does Ren know? Is it cheating to sleep with somebody when they’re the other half of the same person you’ve loved for as long as you can remember? Because I hardly remember a time when Ren wasn’t important to me, and River was inside him all along. Even if neither of us knew it. But does that make me innocent, or is it only a convenient loophole? It’s not like I initiated things. I only wish I knew what would calm Ren down if he’s hurt.
He had an appointment scheduled with Dr. Stone today, and by the time I approach Ren’s room, she’s coming out. There’s nothing in her expression to give me a clue how things went—not that she would go into specifics. I wouldn’t ask her to, either, no matter how much I wish she would. I can’t invade the privacy of their sessions.
That leaves me with nothing to do but offer her a tight smile that doesn’t last very long. “Who did you see today?” I ask, glancing toward the closed door. “Is he Ren or River?” And did he tell you what he did to me yesterday?
The doctor’s kind eyes soften before she pats my arm. “Ren. I spoke to Ren. He seems all right today.”
I can practically taste my relief as my body loosens a little now that some of the tension can drain away. “Okay. That’s good to know.” I can breathe easier as I continue down the hall and knock gently at the closed door. I still have to be careful. It’s one thing for Ren to behave himself while he’s talking to the doctor, but she’s not the one who betrayed him yesterday—if he sees it as a betrayal.
He only grunts in response to my knock. He has to know it’s me. Once again, a sense of dread washes over me, and I open the door with my heart in my throat. How much more of this roller coaster can I take?
He’s sitting on the foot of the bed, and nearby is a small armchair. The doctor must have pulled it closer to him before they started their session. I move slowly toward it, trying to read him as I cross the room. “How did the session go?” I wish I didn’t sound so nervous, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to expect. He could be Ren right now, but River tends to take control at the drop of a hat.
“What, the doctor didn’t tell you all about it?” The resentment hanging heavy in his voice is a hand wrapping itself around my heart and squeezing tight. He knows. I feel it. And right away, I am almost overcome by the impulse to apologize and beg his forgiveness.
“You know there’s only so much she can tell me. I’m not trying to pry.” Maybe it’s not such a great idea to sit close to him, but I’m not going to run away in fear. I love him too much for that.
Once I’m perched carefully in the chair, he lifts his head and hits me with a flat stare. There is so much swirling in his dark eyes. “So, was it fun? Did you enjoy yourself?”
I will not cry. I won’t shrink away, either. “What do you mean?”
“He left me a note. River. He told me what you two did.” All at once, he almost jumps to his feet, and I lean back in the chair when instinct tells me to stay out of his way. I will not run. I am not going to run away from him, now or ever. Still, he’s not making it easy to stay put while he walks around clenching and unclenching his fists.
“I can explain,” I offer in a whisper.
“Oh, you can explain. Like that’s going to change anything.” His snide laughter is so much like River’s, it makes me shudder.
“It won’t change anything, but it might help you understand. I bet he made it sound like I went running to him or something because we had a fight. Right? He probably tried to rub it in your face.” I’ve already been through all of this in my head, practicing it in bed while I knew he was busy in his session. It’s like a script by now, something I’ve memorized and can rattle off, even while he stares at me with so much pain etched across his handsome face. Practice was the only way I knew I could get through this.
Though even now, it’s not easy to keep my head held high under the weight of his accusatory stare. “That’s not how it was at all. He turned into River during our fight.”
He turns his back on me, staring out the window. “Is that when you told him about the baby?”
All the air in my lungs rushes out of me at once. That bastard. “He told you about that?” I whisper while my heart breaks.
“Do you think maybe I deserved to hear about it?”
“I only told him…” A tear slips down my cheek, and I rub it away, my voice breaking, before I manage to catch my breath and try again. “I told him because I guess I was hoping I could protect myself that way. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, seriously. You have to believe me.”
“What about now?” I catch his profile, silhouetted against the glaring sunlight when he turns his head to the side. “Would you have told me about the baby if he hadn’t forced your hand? What are we going to do?”
“We don’t have to worry about it. I was wrong.” Not now. Please, not now. I don’t want to break down. I don’t want to make this more complicated. And for all I know, the sight of me weeping could bring River to the surface. He seems to enjoy it when I’m in pain.
“So you’re not pregnant?” I wish I could tell whether he’s glad or not.
My head swings back and forth before I manage to speak. “I assumed I was, that’s all. But I took a test, and it was negative. So there goes that.”
A few heavy, silent moments pass before he asks, “How do you feel about it?”
“I’ll get over it.” I’m trying. I really am. But grief doesn’t follow our schedules.
“You… wanted the baby?”
I hate the disbelief I hear coming from him. How can he doubt me? “I mean, I was a little freaked out when I first thought I might be pregnant,” I admit. “But… I don’t know. It would have grown a piece of us inside of me. I guess I didn’t know how much I wanted to do that until I saw the negative test. I know it doesn’t make any sense.”
He’s quiet for a long time before he finally grunts. “No. It does. But now, you’re not tied down to me, so that’s a plus.” There’s a bitter note running through his words.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth. What the fuck would you want to be tied down to me for? Besides,” he adds, turning away again, “it might be a little awkward, fucking River while you’re, like, eight or nine months pregnant. Right? It’s more convenient this way.”
“That’s just not true.”
Whirling on me, he growls, “The second River shows up, you fuck him. I mean, what is there to not understand? Do you think I’m stupid?”
“No! But you’re letting him twist you up. That’s what he wants. Dammit!”
I close my eyes and count to five, taking a slow, measured breath with every count. This is Ren, and I love Ren, and it would shatter my heart if I said anything I couldn’t take back.
Once I trust myself again, I murmur, “He wants you to be jealous. Don’t give him what he wants.”
“How am I not supposed to be jealous? You fucked him!”
“I had sex with you,” I insist. “I don’t consider it that way. Like you’re separate people. Because you aren’t, not really. You’re the same person, and I love you.”
He barks out a nasty laugh that makes me want to die. There’s so much hatred and ugliness in it. “I’m really glad you can tell yourself that.”
There’s no stopping the tears, no matter how I try. Let him see how he’s hurting me. How I mean what I’m saying. “I can’t believe you would accuse me like this! Like I’m trying to justify cheating on you or something.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing!”
“River is part of you,” I snap. “I love you just the same, no matter what mental state you happen to be in. Whether it’s you or River in there. I love you. I was with you yesterday.”
He drops back to the bed and lowers his head until it’s resting in his hands. “It’s not the same. I’m not… there when it happens. He might be part of me, but he’s not me.” There is so much hurt in the way he says it. He’s in pain, and I’m part of the reason why he is in pain, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s the most helpless feeling in the world. It makes me sick to my stomach, but no matter how miserable I am, it’s nothing compared to what he feels.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, even when I know it doesn’t make a difference. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
“Yeah. Me, too.” With a grunt, he shakes his head and lets his hands drop to his lap. “There’s only one thing to do about this.”
I don’t like the sound of it, but I nod anyway. He deserves to have his say.
“I need you to stay away from me.” When my mouth falls open, he holds up a hand and looks at the floor. “I need some time to myself. That’s all. And if you truly give a shit about me, you’ll let me have it. No fighting.”
I do truly love him. In a world full of doubts and fears, that’s one thing I never have to question. It’s the reason I’m able to stand on trembling legs. “Okay. I’ll give you your space.”
I want to tell him again how sorry I am, but he doesn’t need to hear it now. If anything, the sound of my voice is hurting him. It seems like all I can do lately is hurt him. “I guess… send word when you think you can handle seeing me again. I won’t bother you,” I promise, even as my instincts scream at me to stay and make him listen. I can’t bully him into believing me. I can only trust he’ll see the truth on his own.
I might not have been able to keep myself from crying, but I’m at least able to hold back the first sob until I’m out of the room, leaning against the wall for support with both hands clamped over my mouth to muffle the sound.