25. Ren
25
REN
I don’t love the silence in the room after I’ve finished telling Dr. Stone about what went down with Scarlet. It’s the kind of silence that weighs on a guy. I know she’s got to be thinking all sorts of shit she doesn’t want to say out loud. And I fucking hate it. Somehow, in the middle of all this shit, it’s what I hate the most.
“Well?” I have to ask. “What do you think? You’re not saying anything, and that’s not a good sign.”
“Forgive me.” There are times I hate how gentle and careful she always is. She doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. Always wanting to be professional. I get it, and when I’m not in a shit mood, I can even appreciate it. It can’t be easy, sitting there and acting like a blank slate for a patient to scrawl their thoughts and fears across. There’s got to be all kinds of opinions banging around inside her skull, but she’s good at pretending otherwise.
Sitting up a little straighter, she clears her throat. “What you’re telling me is, Scarlet became physically involved with River while he was at the forefront of your consciousness.”
“Pretty much, yeah. She knew it was River and not me, but she did it anyway. And she didn’t even apologize.” Or did she? Fuck, it’s all screwed up in my head. I wasn’t thinking clearly. It’s not so easy to piece everything together in the right order when I was practically blind with rage and hurt.
“Do you believe Scarlet deliberately waited for River to come out before she initiated the physical interaction with him?”
The question makes me way too uncomfortable. Like my skin is too tight for my body all of a sudden and somebody bumped up the thermostat. “I don’t know,” I admit.
“I’m not asking what you think is true,” she continues in that soft, even voice. “I’m asking what first went through your mind when you found out the two of them were intimate. Did you imagine her preferring River to you?”
I might not have thought of it that way at the time, but now that she mentions it… “Yeah. I think that’s where my brain went right away.”
“Has she refused physical contact with you?”
“No,” I admit. I wish she wouldn’t look at me the way she is now, like she’s trying to see inside my head. “It’s not like that.”
“Has she expressed more of an interest in the River side of your personality than in you, yourself?”
“No,” I mutter. My head is starting to hurt from all of this. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“You’re thinking she cheated on you.”
“Well, yeah.” Hearing the words spoken out loud is ugly, but I can’t pretend the feelings aren’t there.
I throw my hands into the air, staring at her. “Well? What do you think? Because she was hurt by the way I reacted, and I can’t look at her right now. It can’t go on like this forever.”
She blows out a long breath, frowning, and I get the feeling I’m not going to like what I’m about to hear. “Ren, at the end of the day, you need to keep in mind what we’ve discussed many times during our sessions. I realize it doesn’t feel like River is part of you, but that is the way you need to begin thinking of him. You are not two separate entities.”
“So you’re saying she’s right?”
“It isn’t as simple as that.” I almost hate how gentle she is. The understanding doctor. “Whether you are acting as Ren or as River, Scarlet sees the same person. And if you are ever going to heal after everything you’ve been through, you must find a way to begin seeing him as yourself.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I know it’s not easy,” she insists. “But it is part of the process. The most important part. If you are going to move forward in your life, this is a crucial step. Shifting your mindset.”
She checks her watch. I recognize her regretful frown. “And that’s it for today. I urge you to give this more thought. Don’t be afraid to think of River as part of yourself. Can you give this some real thought before we meet again?”
“Sure. What else do I have to do?” After all, I’m still a prisoner. Just because I’m not downstairs in a cell doesn’t mean I’m free to go wherever I want. It’s okay for me to wander around the house, but I don’t feel comfortable doing it. There are always eyes on me, like the family’s guards. Some of them were with us when we went to rescue Luna. They know I’m not going to hurt anybody around here, and they saw me throw myself over Q to keep him from being killed. That’s still not enough to erase the distrust I see in all of them as I walk through the house after my session, looking for Xander.
Like I told Dr. Stone, there’s nothing for me to do but think, and I’ve had more on my mind than just Scarlet and River since we came back from rescuing Luna. Rebecca might be dead, but that’s not the end of it. I was stupid to ever think it would be. Somehow, I should’ve known she had backing from dangerous people.
It’s no big surprise, finding Xander in his office. The briefest frown touches his face before he catches himself and clears his throat. “What can I do for you? Dr. Stone walked past a few minutes ago. Did your session go well?”
“It was fine.” He might be paying for my treatment, but that doesn’t mean I have to share with him. Not the specifics, anyway. “That’s not what I came in to talk to you about.”
“I’m all ears.” Yeah, and he’s all nerves, too. I make him nervous. Part of me wants to shout boo and freak him out a little, since I don’t think there are many people who have ever seen him look as uncomfortable as he does right now.
I point to one of the chairs in front of his desk, and he nods before I take a seat. Leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, I ask, “What’s next? How do we take down those Russians running operations out of New Haven?”
His eyebrows shoot up, but that’s the only reaction that shows on his face. “What makes you so sure we’re going to take them down?”
He can be a real prick when he puts his mind to it. “What’s the alternative? Leaving all those people there? They didn’t do anything to deserve being under the thumb of those assholes. We can’t leave them high and dry.”
He takes his time drawing a breath, while all I can do is bite my tongue to keep from screaming at him to start talking. “I see what you’re saying,” he begins. In a way, he reminds me of Dr. Stone right now. Like he’s walking through a minefield and wants to be careful where he steps. I hate it, but I guess I understand.
“But?” I prompt when he leaves me hanging for too long.
“But it’s not that simple. We go in there, guns blazing, and we start a war. You have to know that?”
Bitter disappointment burns its way through my esophagus, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It’s so easy for him to sit back and say things like that. “Those people need us.”
“Ren, I need you to remember something. I know you want to put an end to all of this, and nobody has more of a reason than you. You have lost so much, and I am truly sorry. But let’s not fool ourselves, either.”
“What does that mean?”
He barely stops short of rolling his eyes. “It means we are not the good guys here. We aren’t heroes. There’s no charging in and saving the world. I need you to remember that.”
“So, what?” I can’t be bothered to hide my disappointment, dropping back into the chair. “We stay here and do nothing? How can we?”
“And how can I start a war with the Russians?” he counters. “That sort of thing is expensive, and not only in terms of dollars and cents. It means losing people. And that will happen, no matter how prepared we are.”
I can’t believe it. It’s like being in a nightmare. Screaming as loud as I can, but unable to make a sound. With no one to take me seriously, with no way of changing anything. I have no choice but to sit on my hands and be a good boy, while Xander calls the shots. And so many people could be suffering this very minute, maybe even worse than I ever did.
“There is something I wanted to discuss with you.” He folds his hands on top of the desk, hitting me with a heavy stare. “I understand Scarlet has been very upset ever since the two of you had a fight. I don’t like to get involved in her personal life if I can help it, but I need to know I can trust the two of you alone together.”
“I’m never going to hurt her,” I promise, though the words feel flat and empty in my mouth. Because I can’t really make that promise, can I? Considering I’m not always in control of myself.
“It seems as though you already have, but I understand what you mean,” he replies with a sigh. “Don’t make me regret giving you a little more freedom. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“I get it. I’m trying to give her some space to figure things out for herself. I’m trying to do the same thing. That’s the most I can tell you,” I conclude with a shrug.
“That’s generally the best way to go about it,” he agrees, nodding slowly. “It’s never good to fly off half-cocked in the heat of the moment. You always end up saying things you wish you hadn’t.”
I’m afraid we’re already past that point, but I won’t bother admitting it. Besides, footsteps interrupt us before I get the chance, and I turn in the chair in time to see Q strolling into the room. Something has changed between us ever since I took that bullet for him. He won’t come out and say it, and I don’t expect him to, but there’s been a definite shift in the way he acts around me. There are no more dirty looks, or comments, no tension.
“Sorry. What did I interrupt?” He freezes halfway into the room, eyes darting back and forth between me and his dad.
“I think we were in the process of wrapping up our discussion.” Xander lifts an eyebrow, and I nod in agreement.
“Good. I was looking for you, actually,” Q tells me, coming to a stop in front of the desk and leaning his ass against it, arms folded. “Do you wanna go out? Grab a couple of beers?”
I must be missing something. “You mean it?” I look at Xander, but his face is blank. I can’t tell what he thinks about the idea.
Q glances over his shoulder like he’s checking in with Xander. “I mean, you should get out sometime. You must be going nuts, being stuck here.”
Interesting choice of words. “I don’t know,” I mumble, which is the truth. I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to be out in public where anything could happen. This is what my life has become. Afraid to leave the house in case the other side of my personality decides to come out and wreak havoc.
It’s pretty clear he is not taking no for an answer. I know him better than to think he will now that he’s made up his mind. And it wouldn’t be bad to get out for a little while, either—I’m sick of looking at the same walls.
“Okay,” I agree, though my heart is nowhere near in it. “If it’s all right, yeah, I’ll come out with you.”
“You don’t need to sound like you accepted a death sentence.” He snickers.
That’s just it. Lately, it feels like my whole life is a death sentence. I guess I need a night out more than I thought I did.