Chapter 44
MAJOR NEWS. Finley dumped Alice for Tara after school yesterday and he was a major jerk about it.
And then today Tara went around and told everyone that Finley only dated Alice to make her jealous.
It made me really angry because obviously it’s not true and I know it’s not because…
because… it just doesn’t make any sense, okay?
Alice was pretty upset when she got home, even though she didn’t cry while I was there. I could just tell.
I was going to ask her if she wanted to play Halo with me (she likes shooting games a lot) but she hates me still and I didn’t want to make her feel worse. So I got Adrien to play with her instead and it seemed to make her feel better.
Alice
September 17
The Family Chatnel
Adrien
JFC. Lice, tell your boyfriend to leave me the fuck alone.
Fourth morning in a row he’s been waiting outside my apartment to ambush me on my morning run.
Me
Can’t, sorry. Busy.
Adrien
Doing what?
Me
Applying for a job as a Krampus impersonator.
It’s like Santa, but instead of sneaking down chimneys to bring presents, I’ll be crawling out of drainpipes to put curses on men who deck my boyfriend.
Tell him yourself.
Adrien
I’ve tried.
He’s a grown ass man and still can’t function in the morning. It’s like trying to tell a mouth-breathing, drool-infested zombie to fuck off.
Me
24 oz medium roast with a splash of milk. Wait a couple of hours. Handfeeding him a cream cheese bagel will speed up the process by about 18 minutes. Smooches also help. Good luck!
September 18
Sister In Law, Esq.
Thanks again for lunch. I’m sorry about my knee-jerk reaction at the hospital. I would love for the four of us to sit down and talk things out once everyone has had a chance to calm down. I’ll see if I can convince Adrien.
Me
I would have reacted the same way. Love you, Ree.
Sister In Law, Esq.
Love you, cutie. See you on Friday.
September 20
The Family Chatnel
Adrien
Alice.
I’m not fucking around.
He’s started sending flowers to my office.
Me
You love flowers.
Gramp Stamp
You really do. Ria, have you seen the pictures of Addy as a flower boy yet?
Sister In Law, Esq.
WHAT???
Gramp Stamp
He begged us to let him do it. Practiced his whole heart out. Fast forward to the wedding and seconds before he’s supposed to trot down the aisle, the little turnip puts two and two together and realizes that what he’s actually carrying is a basket full of flower carcasses.
He’s wailing and covered in snot in most of the pictures, slamming the petals to the ground. The only time I’ve seen him weep harder was at your wedding. Presumably because of all the flowers that had to die to make it happen.
Adrien has removed Gramp Stamp from The Family Chatnel.
September 21
The Family Chatnel
Momma has added Gramp Stamp to The Family Chatnel.
Gramp Stamp
I found the pictures.
Sister In Law, Esq.
I want to see!
Adrien
Gamps, you want to go to Torrent tonight? All you can eat red meat and whiskey. My treat.
Gramp Stamp
I’m listening.
Momma
Adrien. Don’t you dare.
September 29
The Family Chatnel
Adrien
ALICE. FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME. TELL YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND TO STOP SENDING ME FLOWERS. PEOPLE THINK HE’S COURTING ME.
Me
I guarantee you nobody thinks that. He’s completely out of your league.
Adrien
I’m filing a restraining order.
Me
Ok have fun!
September 30
Rachel
I’m really, really sorry. Can you please just talk to me? I feel like absolute shit.
Me
Oh no!! I’m so sorry YOU feel like shit!!
That’s so unfair to YOU, Rachel!! How thoughtless and selfish of me to do that to YOU!!
Number successfully blocked. Click here to undo the action.
October 03
The Family Chatnel
Sister In Law, Esq.
Someone leaked pictures of the flower bouquets Dominic has been sending Addy, and there’s already fanfic.
One of the executive assistants just forwarded that link to me with the email title “we didn’t know how to tell you.” Jamie fell off the couch laughing
She’s on the floor gasping rn haha
Dad
I love ACDC
Me
Dad, don’t click that.
It’s not the band.
Sister In Law, Esq.
What band?
Me
Dad, please confirm you saw my message. Do not click that link.
ACDC = Adrien Cloutier + Dominic Crawford. Don’t click it.
Dad
I’m calling our internet provider and cancelling the service.
Me
I told you not to click it!!!
October 06
Amber
OMFG YOU PAID MY TUITION??
SHUT UP NO YOU DIDN’T
SHUT UP!!!!
Me
You deserve it. Thank you for everything.
Genuinely.
Amber
GIRL I’M CRYING!!
I don’t even know what to do with myself right now!!
Can I buy you like lunch or something as a thank you???
There’s a Brazilian BBQ place I want to try in Danforth if you’re down?
No pressure. Even if not, I’d love to keep in touch and stuff
Me
Lunch sounds great! Sunday?
October 11
The Girlies
Sister In Law, Esq.
Very serious update on the ACDC thing… a couple of these forums are really convincing me
Should Adrien and I get a divorce so that he and Dominic can finally be together? Y/N
Jamie
Y
Me
Y
Gramp Stamp
Yes.
Sister In Law, Esq.
Done. Brunch and pedicures to celebrate?