Chapter 40 Jade
FORTY
jade
I walk numbly toward Sam’s car and get in.
This should feel familiar, sliding into his Toyota next to him, but it doesn’t.
It feels foreign. Like a mistake I can’t take back.
I know why I’m here, but I still can’t believe I am.
I need to understand something about myself and why I always end up blindsided in relationships, and if I don’t have the answer and my friends and my boyfriend don’t, maybe Sam will.
I don’t look at Reeve as we pull away, but I know he’s watching me.
I don’t know what I just did, but I know it’s not okay.
“So talk,” I tell Sam.
“Jeez, does that guy have ’roid rage or what?” Sam nods at the rearview mirror. “I heard you were dating him, but it’s so weird to see you with someone like that. I thought you hated meatheads.”
“I do. Get to the point. By the way, I hate you for doing this.”
Sam chuckles. “Always a straight shooter.”
“Stop trying to be cute, and say what you came to say, because once this car is in front of my house, I’m not listening anymore.”
“Okay, take it easy.” He sighs. “I wanted to apologize for my actions, both during and after our relationship.” I wait, and he continues: “I’m embarrassed I treated you badly after the breakup.
And you know I’ve always tried to be an honest person, so the way I carried on with another girl when you and I were talking about getting back together is inexcusable. ”
Sam’s always been the most sincere person I know, which is why you have to listen for what he’s not saying. “Those things didn’t send me into a tailspin. The breakup did,” I say.
“Right. Well, I apologized in the past that it probably seemed out of left field. I should have told you I wasn’t happy long before it all blew up like that.
” His voice borders on testy, and I’m sure he’s expecting to have his apologies reciprocated, but I’ve already done that more times than I can count, and I’m not in the mood to revisit past weaknesses.
“I don’t care about that anymore. But since I’m trapped in this car with you discussing our failed relationship, tell me something: Why didn’t I see it coming? Why did I think what we had was solid when you were totally miserable?”
He gives me a quizzical look. “Is this a trick question?”
“No. I want to know.”
“Well, that’s simple. You see what you want to see, Jade. And you filter out the rest.”
My mind spins. He’s wrong. “But you always told me how much you loved me. Remember you’d do that stupid Lou Gehrig imitation about being the luckiest guy on the face of the earth when we kissed? You didn’t really mean those things?”
“Of course I did. When I said them, I meant them. But I wasn’t saying those things by the end, was I?” He looks straight ahead. “I finally realized you never said them back.”
Regret moves through me, a painful tug, at all the things I should have said and done differently.
But my tenderness toward Sam is fleeting, replaced quickly by thoughts of Reeve.
How many chances have I had—and turned down—to tell him what he means to me?
Too many to count. Maybe if I had taken just one of them, he wouldn’t have found the idea of seeing me in Spain so shocking.
So many mistakes, and here I am living out another one.
“You just missed the turn,” I tell Sam as the road that leads back to campus whizzes by my window.
“I’m taking the long way.”
“Um, why? I want to get home.”
“Just give me a few more minutes. Please. I wanted to make things right with you because I have a feeling we may be seeing more of each other.”
My mouth goes sour. “Why?”
“I start grad school at Stanford next summer.”
Stanford has one of the best aerospace engineering programs in the world. It also happens to be next to my hometown. “So you didn’t get into MIT.”
“I did, but I’m opting for Stanford, instead.”
“Congratulations, Sam. You deserve it.”
“Thanks.”
“But I won’t be in California next year. Or ever, actually. I’m moving to Spain after graduation.”
Surprise hits him as a delayed reaction. He turns to me slowly. “Wait, what? Spain? Are you joking?”
I already regret telling him. “Do I look like I’m joking?”
“What’s in Spain?”
“An art history program. I don’t want to pursue psychology anymore.”
“Jade!” he admonishes, and I’m reminded of the first time I told my father about my plans. “What a colossal waste! Please tell me you haven’t already committed to the program.”
“Why do you care?”
“Because I care about you,” he huffs. “You’re such an intelligent girl, and you’ve worked hard for that psych degree. I don’t understand why you can’t simply stay focused on one goal. You have these fleeting bursts of ambition and you throw away everything you’ve worked for.”
I laugh bitterly. “I never thought I’d have to hear another lecture from you in my life, but here we are. And bonus: You’re even more condescending than I remembered.”
“I’m trying to help.”
“If you want to help, drive faster.”
“I know you don’t like being told what to do—”
“Then don’t test me.”
“You’re so hardheaded, Jade! Listen to me, I don’t know who in your life is telling you Spain is a good idea,” he says, spitting out the word Spain with complete disdain, “but they’re either ignorant or they don’t care about you. I just want what’s best for you.”
The one perk of being around intelligent people who know they’re intelligent is that rare shining moment when they’re dead wrong and you’re the only one who knows it.
All the irritation I’ve been feeling since I saw Sam in the parking lot evaporates.
He can’t tell me anything about my relationship with Reeve or where I went wrong, because he never bothered to get to know me.
“Maybe so, but you don’t know what’s best for me.
You only ever supported the parts of my life that you approved of. That’s not what I need.”
We ride the next two minutes in silence before he stops in front of my building. Sam looks dejected as I get out of the car, and I feel a flare of guilt. I don’t know what he was really after tonight, but knowing him, he believed it was something he needed to do.
“I appreciate your apology, Sam, but you don’t have to worry about me or anything that happened between us. We don’t need to be in each other’s lives anymore.”
I close the door and walk into my building.
Any minute now, I’ll feel a rush of satisfaction at having told Sam what I wanted him to hear, but what I feel instead is an urgent sense of regret.
Because while I was wasting my breath, where was the man who has supported me through every step and misstep these last few months?
Reeve might think my postcollege plans are brilliant or utterly stupid, but he doesn’t say because he’s been too busy making me believe I could turn them into reality.
So why did I just walk away from him?
No one answers when I knock at Reeve’s door early the next morning, but my car is parked out front in the Bronco’s usual spot.
I call him again, knowing he won’t pick up, just like he didn’t when I called twice last night and again three times this morning.
I get his voicemail. Anger flickers inside me, and I pound on the door with a fist a few times.
I should never have gone with Sam last night.
In the morning light, it’s so crystal clear that I could kick myself.
But was it so horrible that Reeve is going to completely ignore me?
It doesn’t seem like his style. After what happened at the pizza place the other night, I didn’t expect him to be so possessive.
I sit down on the front step. Reeve doesn’t have his first class for over an hour, so either he’s inside ignoring me or he’s gone to work out, in which case he probably won’t be home until this evening, when practice is over.
It occurs to me he might have left my key hidden in the car—did I ever tell him I don’t have a spare?
—so I get up to see if it’s locked. As I do, a black SUV stops a few feet ahead of my car and Reeve climbs out of the passenger seat.
He laughs at something the guy driving the car says, then shuts the door.
His smile fades as the SUV pulls away and he sees me standing there.
“Hi. I was starting to worry.” I take a step toward him, feeling uncertain. “I kept calling you.”
“Yeah, sorry. I crashed at my buddy’s place last night.” He looks past me, his expression flat. “I’ve got your keys here.”
I catch the keys he tosses me. “I’m the one that needs to apologize. I’m sorry about last night with Sam. I don’t know why I said yes to him.”
He studies me, his eyes extra blue and extra cold in the light. “I guess because it was important.”
“No, it wasn’t important. You wanted to talk to me about something; that was more important.”
He looks out at the empty street, his mouth a tight line. “Yeah. Well. Doesn’t really matter. I need to go shower and get to class.”
“Wait, Reeve. I want to hear what you had to say last night.”
His face contorts oddly, like he finds that both funny and unbelievable. “That was last night.”
I reach for his hand. “Come on. I know you’re mad, but give me a break. He gave me a ride home, that’s all. I regretted it as soon as I was in the car. Talk to me. Please?”
“I need to go to school. We can talk later.”
“Tonight? Monday night is always Spanish night.” I give him a coy smile. Spanish night always leads to the best sex of the week.
He presses his lips together, his brow furrowing. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can help you with that anymore.”
“With Spanish?” I ask, not understanding.
“Yeah.”
“But my interview is next month. I need you more than ever. Capisce?”
“Capisce isn’t—”
“I know. I was trying to get a smile out of you.”
He doesn’t smile. “Jade, listen. You might want to think about getting another tutor.”
“What do you mean? All this because of last night? Reeve, I said I’m sorry.”
“I know what you said, Jade. But I’ve got a season to focus on, and I need to keep my head where it belongs. Honestly, your Spanish test doesn’t mean a whole lot to me right now.”
Ice floods my veins, freezing my heart in my chest. “So that’s it?” I ask quietly, afraid if I speak louder, I’ll cry. “You can’t help me anymore?”
“No, I don’t think I can.”