Chapter 34
Oakley
I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused.
All I could manage to do was blink, trying to put everything into place in my mind.
Sure, I understood what a Little was. How could I not after sneaking those types of books? Littles were….they seemed like me. In the books, they seemed so happy and content and…everything I wasn’t.
I could maybe find some sort of happiness with Sabastian. So far, he’s been nice. And I couldn’t dare ask for more than that, even if he said I could.
“For this to work,” he went on, still moving his thumbs against my hip bones.
Why couldn’t he just let me kneel? Or crawl into his lap again.
I’d prefer option two, please. “You need to tell me if I do something, anything, that isn’t nice.
I want to share my world with you, and I can’t do that if you don’t tell me the truth on things. ”
I had told him, kind of. I’d do whatever he’d want me to.
“Is a paci nice?” I nodded, still just as confused. “This stuffie?” Another nod. “Cuddles?” I nodded again, inching closer to his lap.
My eyes flashed to his just in time to see an amused smile on his lips. “You’re precious, Oakley.”
A deep warmth filled my face, causing me to duck my head.
“How about you go get those books and then meet me in the living room. Use the bathroom, too if you need to.”
“Okay.”
Before letting me go, he took the sippy cup from my grasp. “I’ll get this filled for you, too.”
I nodded once more before one of his hands patted my hip. “Go on, little one.”
It took a moment to get my feet to work with my brain. By the time they did, I felt like my legs were led.
Why was he now giving me permission to look at those books? Why give me a chore to fill out information?
I knew those lists at the back of those books, though. I knew what I’d like to try, if I were really free to do so.
I did quick work in the bathroom, shedding my underwear in the process.
Needing an extra hand, I popped the paci not my mouth before grabbing the books, and possibly being stupid enough to sneak a different one.
That one, I quickly slipped into the top drawer of the dresser, hoping Sabastian wouldn’t look there anytime soon.
The risk of another punishment so soon was at the back of my mind, but at the moment, I couldn’t care less.
Standing in the corner wasn’t bad. Not when compared to what Sir had done to me for so long. Standing like a toddler against a wall really was nothing. Not when there was no pain involved.
Back downstairs, Sabastian was already seated on the couch, the TV on but volume low.
For once, I didn’t pause long enough to debate with myself. I knew where I wanted to sit, and as long as Sabastian kept encouraging me, I was going to sit where I wanted.
Sitting as close to him as I could, he wrapped an arm around me, pulling me to his side.
“Good boy.” I melted into the kiss he pressed to the top of my head. “You’ve made me proud.”
Something bubbled forth in my chest. Something I couldn’t name.
I’ve never made another person proud before.
Twisting around, I leaned more on his chest, not caring that a couple of the books dug into my skin. I just wanted to soak up everything he offered me. His care, his kindness, his warmth.
“Let me take those.” He pulled the books away, setting them somewhere. I didn’t pay attention to where he set them as right after, he pulled me to sit astride his lap better. “What did you think of Nathan?”
“He…didn’t talk to me.” I had to pull the paci out to answer. I didn’t put it back in, even though I really wanted to.
“True. What about Molly, then.”
“Nice?” She knew a lot of things that I didn’t.
“She is. What did the two of you talk about?”
That was a good question. I couldn’t really remember. She did all the talking, mostly.
“I don’t…” I stopped, taking a deep breath. “She talked.”
“What did she talk about, then?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to get Molly into trouble either.
“She…told me talk to you.”
“That’s smart.” I got a hand running up and down my back, coaxing me to keep calm.
“I’m not…good at talking.” I wasn’t good at telling others what I felt, or what I wanted, or anything. Sir hated me talking, hated me sobbing, and whiny. So it was easier to just keep quiet. Be seen, not heard.
“I know you aren’t. But I’m a very patient man, little one.”
I nodded, sticking the paci back in my mouth.
“I think,” Sabastian mused, maneuvering me more into his lap. “Your little mindset is always at the surface. Where you just want to be held and cherished.”
Only when he was around, I thought, burrowing into his chest. For some reason, this man kept making me go into whatever mode I was in.
I wasn’t like with Sir, was I? I didn’t think I was unless I was a sobbing mess.
I breathed, melting more into his hold. It was nice to not always be crying and in pain.
“My sweet little boy,” Sabastian whispered.
What would be good was if this man could just read my mind.
I really didn’t know what I needed, or wanted, except for these two arms wrapped around me.
Taking the paci out again, I spoke quietly. Maybe if I pretended that Sabastian wasn’t listening, I could get the words out more clearly.
“Don’t make me go back to Sir. Please. He…he….hurts lots. Only hurt.”
“You won’t ever go back to him, Oakley. He’s dead.”
I nodded, popping the paci back in.
I was done. Done talking. Done thinking.
Sabastian must have thought so, too, as he upped the volume a bit on the TV and covered me with a blanket.
“I’d say we need a code word, for when you feel all needy and cuddly like this, but I have a feeling that’s not going to work for you. You flip from one side to the other so quickly, you probably don’t even know it happens until it does.”
I hummed, letting my eyes slip close. I wasn’t tired, but there was something about being held in this man’s lap that made me want to doze off.
“That’s okay, though. I don’t mind one bit, little one.”
I was starting to believe that.