Chapter 39
Oakley
I was pretty sure my lips didn’t know how to smile, let alone how to feel happy.
I was as close to feeling as content as I could be, given everything that I’ve been through. I knew feeling anything other than fear and sorrow wasn’t going to be something I could achieve.
On a scale, I was on the higher level of finding something worth living for now, at least. But still, me finding happiness? Not likely. Just like I wasn’t going to find love either.
Maybe, if Sabastian kept treating me the way he was, I’d likely fall in love with him.
A feeling that he’d never return because…
well, I was just little ol’ me. I wasn’t anything special.
I was…well whatever I was to him. He may call me his little boy, or his little one. But was that all I was to him?
Moving onto the next animal, my thoughts taking over more than enjoying the moment, I couldn’t help but go back to this morning.
The stuffed animal was my new favorite, and I’d have loved to bring it with me out here. But I knew without any words needing to be spoken, that I needed to be an adult today. I couldn’t let my mind go blank while out and about.
It was kind of annoying that it did that, though. My mind going in and out of that state was something that happened way too often, even before Sabastian took me away from Sir.
With Sir, I had to fight to keep in a safe spot in my mind when he did things. It made it easier to deal with. Now, I wanted to go there because someone made sure I was safe. A feeling I didn’t want to ever lose.
I really couldn’t ask for more. He’d given me so much. And I was sure he’d take back some sort of payment. Sooner, rather than later.
Most likely tonight.
If I was officially an adult today, then he’d do what he’d want to my body. And I wouldn’t fight him. I was prepared for whatever he wished to do.
“You’re not enjoying this, are you?” Sabastian’s voice was low as we passed a group of people, who were mostly school-aged kids. They were loud, bouncing as they walked as if they were going to the best place in the world.
“I…it’s nice?”
It’d be better if my thoughts would shut off. The idea of coming here had seemed fun. It was something I had wanted to do as a kid, but never got to do. Now, being here, it was just warm and boring. The animals weren’t anything special that I hadn’t seen in books.
“I think I have a better idea. Let’s head back to the car.” Sabastian easily led the way away from the alligators, which were the ugliest creatures ever. “First, do you want to stop at the gift shop?”
“No thank you.”
He shot me a knowing smile like he expected that exact answer. There was no way he needed to buy me more things. Even if he thought birthdays were a reason to give me things.
Cutting through the middle of the entire zoo, pathways going in almost every direction to different sections, Sabastian easily led us to the right path. I kept a hold on his hand, halfway looking around as we passed. My thoughts were still not exactly in the present, nor in the past.
I didn’t know where they were, but my thoughts were everywhere, and I was more than enough confused by them.
I had wanted to enjoy the zoo, since who knows when I’d be allowed to go out again. It was a place I had never got to go to as a child. Heck, there were so many places I didn’t get to go. Instead, I ruined this outing.
With a heavy heart, Sabastian helped me into the car, shutting the door after I got my feet and skirt in. My feet were already aching, not used to wearing shoes. But I wasn’t going to complain. I never complain about anything.
It took a lot of work to keep the tears a bay. I focused on my breathing, keeping it as even as possible as Sabastian pulled out of the parking lot, and began to drive back towards town.
I was a failure in so many ways. A disappointment.
Why did Sabastian even want to bring me out here? Or anywhere? I was better off being kept in his house, to be a thing he could look at whenever he wished.
Trying to discreetly wipe a tear away that ticked down my cheek, I kept my gaze out the passenger’s side window.
I missed home. Whatever home was, I missed it.
I wanted to go there, be in a place that was safe and warm, and everything I wasn’t allowed.
Sure, Sabastian’s place was nice. It was ten times better than what Sir allowed me to have, even though he had a fairly decent-sized home.
But there, I wasn’t allowed to freely roam, or free to look out the window.
Would Sabastian be upset if I asked if we could just go back to his place? Then he could use my body and get it over with already.
I think waiting for the part of the day when the man would take my body, and use it for his needs, was the worst part.
In a sick and twisted way, I kind of wanted him to touch me like that.
Touch me like Sir said men would want. My body was shaved, leaving every bit of it smooth and hairless.
I was pretty, or as much as I could get.
I had felt pretty for a fleeting moment, too, when Sabastian had laid eyes on me this morning in the bathroom.
I had almost been certain he was going to take what he wanted right then and there.
What exactly was he waiting for?
“We’re here.” I shook the thoughts from my head as Sabastian pulled up to a bland brown building.
After he once again helped me from the car, Sabastian led me towards the main entrance.
“I think this will be more fun for you.”
I highly doubted it, but let him lead me inside.
Right away, past two big, full glass doors, Sabastian went straight towards the counter, where a couple of people were. One was on the phone, typing away at a computer, while the other one greeted us with a too-wide smile.
Chairs were sitting around the outer parts of the room. Down one hallway, there seemed to be open rooms.
“Yes, we’re just looking right now. But possibly adopting if anything grabs our attention.”
“Wonderful. If you go through the door right there,” the lady said, pointing to a gray door that had some sort of sign pinned to it. “You’ll find the available adoptions to choose from.”
Sabastian dipped his head and began to pull me that way.
Once we were past the gray door, the odor hit me in full force. A mix of wet animals and cleaning products.
It was harder to breathe, too.
“You alright?” Sabastian stopped, giving me a moment to catch my breath.
“Yeah,” I coughed. I thought he could have warned me.
“I forgot how the air was in here. It’s been a long while since I’ve come to visit.”
I swallowed, finally getting my lungs to work with me.
When Sabastian decided I was good enough to go on, he led us down one hallway, which led to another in a different direction.
He paused not far, stopping in front of a window.
At first, I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. It didn’t make any sense. I blinked, and blinked again, seeing a glass-like room filled with a few cats.
They sat around on cat trees, looking like they were at home right there. None of them paid much attention to either of us, preferring to just take their little, long naps.
“This one looks sweet,” Sabastian pointed to one of the papers that was taped along the side of one part of the glass. “Six years old. Calico type. Calm and cuddly.”
Cool?
I glanced at the paper and then found the cat that he seemed to like. That one was fast asleep, not a care in the world.
Sabastian led us away when I had nothing to say, going to the next section. Once more, the cats in that one were lazy, sleeping creatures. Black and gray colored, which looked soft and fluffy.
“My parents had a cat or two when I was a kid. I wasn’t always a fan of them, but they were easy things to take care of. Dogs, too. My parents currently have a dachshund, who is pampered like a princess these days.”
“I never had pets,” I mumbled, letting him lead me to the next section. This one had younger cats, kittens to be more precise. A couple instantly ran to the window when it saw us, meowing and rubbing its body along the glass.
Now, these were cute.
My eyes tracked their movement, wondering if they were as soft as I imagined them to be.
A few kitty toys were scatted about along the floor, forgotten as the kitties found us more entertaining.
“That one,” Sabastian pointed to the orange one that was currently trying to paw at the window, “is good with other animals, like dogs. Loves to seek out attention. Four months old.”
“It’s cute.” All of them were. I almost let myself wonder if I could go in and play with all of them at once.
I squeezed my hand into a fist, letting my fingers dig into my palm to tamper down that thought.
Next, we rounded a corner, going to another door. Going through the door, I instantly understood why it had been there. The barking and whining hit me full force.
I couldn’t stop my eyes from going wide, looking at Sabastian. Out of all the places he could take me, why here?
“We can meet any animal you’d like to.”
Don’t let me do that, I thought, taking a deep breath. I’d want all of them, and dangling that option in front of me, then not following through, would be a whole new type of torture.
“Come on. Let’s go look.”
I had no way to fight the man, even if I wanted to. I let him lead me further down the hallways, coming to the first row of dogs.
No. that was a goat.
Peering into the first cage, half the wall was brick, the rest unbreakable glass, was an adorable little goat. It stood, staring at us, wagging the littlest tail ever.
“A goat?”
“Apparently so. That thing may be adoptable, but not allowed in our place.”
I almost laughed, because it was the cutest thing ever. Black and brown with some white mixed in. I wanted to pet that, if nothing else in the entire place.