9. Jade
NINE
Jade
I stand back and watch him walk away from me with his shirt and shoes in hand. He doesn’t seem mad. He seems upset. I wish I could be sure of his intentions, but the last time I thought I was, he up and left me alone and heartbroken. I haven’t dared to love anyone since. Sure, I’ve dated and had a few quick romances, but I always held back. I was too afraid of giving myself to anyone. I knew that if I did, they had the power to hurt me.
I never even seriously considered dating anyone until Paul. And maybe I only thought about that because I knew it couldn’t go anywhere, with us in separate parts of the world. I’ve been setting myself up for failure and didn’t even know it. But Memphis… here’s something about him that I can’t ignore or push aw ay. It’s clear we still have chemistry and more unfinished business than I can think about.
I plop down on the couch and open my computer.
Jade
I want to make a plan to meet.
I wait, but there’s no response. I wait and wait, but no response ever comes. I set the computer down on the coffee table but leave it open so I’ll be alerted when/if he does reply. The rest of the day is spent watching TV, playing with Noodle, and drinking more wine than I should. By the time my head hits the pillow, I’ve forgotten all about sleeping with my ex-boyfriend and not being able to talk to my internet boyfriend.
In the morning, I wake, hungover and tired. My head is pounding and my ears are ringing. When I stand from my bed to go to the bathroom, I’m dizzy but force myself to push through. After a long hot shower, I emerge feeling much more human.
I wrap a towel around myself and then wind my hair up with another so it doesn’t drip down my back. As I’m walking back to my room, there’s a knock on the door.
“Shit,” I mumble to myself as I walk toward the door and peek into the peephole. I don’t see anyone standing in front of my door. “Who’s there? ”
Nothing. I unlock it and open it slightly, trying my best to hold my body back so I don’t flash anyone when my towel inevitably falls. Nobody is at my door. Before I close it, my eyes fall to the sidewalk. Sitting in front of my door is a cup of coffee and a bag that probably holds my favorite blueberry muffin. I smile to myself as I bend down and pick up the items. I take everything back to the couch and open the bag. Sitting in the bottom is a perfectly golden-brown blueberry muffin. I pick up the cup and take a sip, noticing a small note written on the side with marker.
Jade,
I’m not running. Come find me when you’re ready.
Memphis
I let out a sigh and take another sip. I sit back and enjoy my coffee and muffin before forcing myself to get up and get ready for the day.
I meet Pearl at The Place for lunch. She’s already sitting at a booth when I arrive. As soon as she sees me, she stands up and pulls me against her for a hug.
“Jay, I’m so sorry for running my big, fat mouth. I didn’t mean any of it. You know that, right? Please say you’ll forgive me. I won’t let go until you do. ”
I take a deep breath. “I slept with Memphis.”
Immediately, she pulls back, surprise written all over her face. “What? When? How? Tell me everything!”
We both sit down, and I tell her everything: running into him at the post office, here at the bar with her, how he brought me coffee and a muffin to work, and how he came to my house and how I put him to work, paying him way better than I’ve ever paid any other handyman I’ve come in contact with.
“This is great, Jade! Are you guys going to get back together now?”
I scoff. “How can I trust him, Pearl?”
She cocks her head to the side. “Jade, you know what happened back then is different, right? You guys were kids. Kids aren’t known for being the most responsible. Plus, he wanted to go out and find himself. All that is behind him now. You’ve both grown up and matured. You’re ready now.”
“I don’t know,” I mumble, picking up the glass of iced tea that was just placed in front of me.
“I do,” she says, leveling her eyes on me. I can see the honesty burning beneath them. “Trust me. Memphis is in love you, and he isn’t going anywhere this time.”
“How do you know? ”
She shrugs. “I just do. Give him a shot. You’ll see.”
Pearl and I sit and eat, drink, talk, and laugh, and before long, I’ve forgotten about all my problems. That’s what my best friend does for me. She pushes it all away and just allows me to relax, unwind, and have fun. But the moment we part, it all comes flooding back. I go home and take care of Noodle before opening my laptop. There still isn’t a response, so I try again.
Jade
Are you there?
I set the laptop down and occupy myself with my phone, cleaning, and cooking dinner. I check again before bed, but nothing has changed.
I keep myself busy for the next week. As busy as possible anyway. I go to work and even put in some overtime. I hang out with Pearl and take care of things around the house. I try to avoid going to Memphis, but he’s always on my mind, along with Paul. I haven’t heard anything from Paul at all, which is unusual. I’ve sent him many more messages, but nothing ever says that it’s been seen. His internet connection must have gone out again. That, or he’s starting to realize I’m not going to do this forever. I’ve been more persistent about wanting to meet. Maybe our time is over.
In a mix of loneliness and boredom, I find myself pulling up to the garage I’ve been in so many times over the course of my life. It’s dark out, and his dad’s red Chevy truck is gone, but that familiar fire engine red GTO is still parked out front. I park my Jeep on the side of the street and walk to the door. The door is metal with a glass window. Over the window, the CLOSED sign is up, but I can see a hint of light coming from the back. I try the knob and the door opens easily.
“Hello?” I call out. “Memphis?” I walk deeper into the building and to the back office where the light is coming from. I place my ear against it and listen.
I hear the sounds of paper ruffling, some soft music, and the sound of someone setting down a glass. I raise my hand and knock. I hear the squeaking of a chair before the door is thrown open quickly. Memphis’ face is like stone, obviously annoyed that someone ignored the CLOSED sign, but the second he sees that it’s me, his features smooth out, and a smile spreads across his face.
“Oh, hey Jade. What are you doing here?” he asks, leaning his shoulder against the door frame.
I shrug and cross my arms over my chest. “I was bored and tired of being alone. Can I come in?”
He nods and pushes the door open wider.
I step into the office, blown away by how everything is the exact same. I laugh. “Wow. Nothing has changed.”
He laughs and shuts the door behind me. “Yeah, you know Dad.” He takes his seat behind the old metal desk, the chair squeaking with his weight.
I sit across from him and look around. “Hey, you remember that time that you were grounded, and your dad decided that he was going to make you work it off.”
His green eyes meet mine. “I do.”
“Remember how after your dad left that night, I snuck in here and we had sex on that maroon couch?” I point to the couch in the corner of the room.
The corners of his mouth lift up slightly, and his eyes glaze over like he’s reliving the memory. “I do remember that. Every time I came in here after that, that’s all I could think about. Dad thought I was a freak ‘cause every time I’d walk into the office, I’d be sporting a boner.” He laughs and runs his hands over his face.
I can’t hold back my own laughter, and I join in. “He still doesn’t know?”
“Nope. I bet he’s taken a hundred naps on that thing. I can’t tell him now. He’d kill me and throw my dead body out on the side of the road with that couch. ”
I smile. He probably would. There’s a long, drawn-out silence between us.
“What are you doing here, Jade?” he asks softly.
“Pearl thinks I should give you another chance.”
“And what do you think?”
I shrug, refusing to meet his eyes before standing up to pace back and forth in the small space. “I don’t know. I want to. I just don’t know if I can.”
He pushes his chair back and stands up, moving in front of me but keeping several feet between us. “Only you can decide, you know?”
I nod. “I do. It’s just that seeing you now and knowing that there is still something between us makes it really hard to avoid you. Before, you weren’t here, so it was easy to hate you. But now…” I shake my head as I cross my arms.
I look up in time to see him lick his lips as he walks closer. “If you had to choose right now, what would you choose? Do you want to be with me, or do I need to leave again to make things easier for you?” He’s directly in front of me now, looking down at me with those bright green eyes that cut right through me. “Pick, Jade. Is it me or nothing?” His breath blows across my dry lips as I become prisoner to those eyes.
“I…” The words fall from my lips. I shake my head to clear it .
“No, don’t do that. Don’t think of everything else. Do you want me? Right now, in this moment?”
I look back up at him and bite my lower lip. I know what I want. I want him. But I don’t want all the fears and doubts that will come with him. What do I do? What do I choose? Him and being worried that he’ll up and leave any given day, or do I chose to stay away, to be alone?