Chapter 10 #3
“So yeah, at the time I’d see all these families with happy, healthy, and laughing kids.
I knew they weren’t going to spend their Christmas worrying that their child might not see the dawn, and I hated them.
I really did. I wish I hadn’t chosen to spend my energy that way, but at the same time, how could I not have. ”
“I think I know what you mean.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. When my wife was approaching the end—you know, we had been preparing for that moment since we were teens—I’d see all these rom-coms playing on the TV in the hospital, or I’d see happy couples walking on the street, and sometimes I wished that, just for a moment, they could understand the hell I was living in.
” I paused, letting our eyes lock yet again, and I saw a camaraderie for something I hadn’t even dared to admit to my own parents.
“I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting, because it was so damn isolating. Of course, I’d realize the implications of everything I was thinking right away, and I’d try to kick those thoughts out of my head, but I think it would be a disservice to myself to pretend I hadn’t had those moments of weakness.
“We’re human, you know?” Well, not really on my part, but she didn’t need to know that.
“We’re flawed, and we’re messy. The important thing is that even though you and I had those moments, we didn’t give in to them.
We didn’t let that darkness and that bitterness win.
And yeah, sometimes that hurt is still inside us, and sometimes it’s ugly, but that doesn’t make us bad parents or bad people. ”
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone what I told you,” she said.
I gave her what I hoped was a soft, comforting smile. After everything she and her son had been through, Jeannie deserved some tenderness. Some ease. And strangely enough, I wanted to give that to her.
“I haven’t exactly shared what I said before either.”
“Worried they’d judge you?”
I couldn’t believe I was discussing something so bleak and serious with a practical stranger, and yet it felt completely natural. Not awkward like it had been when I’d dropped the whole widower-bomb.
“It’s more that there was never really an appropriate time for me to bring it up. Or I didn’t know how.” But that wasn’t entirely it, was it? “And I suppose I didn’t really figure out that last part until now. Apparently saying it out loud makes a difference.”
“Funny how that works, isn’t it?” Jeannie asked with the tiniest chuckle.
“I don’t know if funny is the right word, but it might be leaning into irony.”
“I dunno, we’d have to ask Alanis Morrisette.”
“I wouldn’t really count her as an expert. None of the things she listed were actually ironic.”
“But doesn’t that in turn make the song ironic?”
“I think we’re getting too meta now. Much further and surely the simulation will collapse.”
“Hah! Can the next one do away with money?”
“Wouldn’t that be the dream?” While I lived quite comfortably and had our clan’s funds if times became hard, I knew I was lucky, and there were far too many people who didn’t have enough to fill their bellies.
“It’s in mine, that’s for sure. Well, that and Max being happy and healthy, but I’ve already gotten that, which isn’t what a lot of people can say.”
I nodded. “He does seem to be doing pretty great. And I’m sure he’s going to be spoiled rotten at your family Christmas.”
Jeannie’s expression, which had been drifting between delighted, introspective, and dreamy, turned sour. But it disappeared so fast, I thought I’d imagined it. I was all set to ask if I had said something wrong, but then Eva squealed.
“I see Santa’s Workshop!”
Had that much time passed already?
The tour was a half hour’s walk through a designated area downtown that culminated in a Winter Wonderland, including a highly stylized Santa’s Workshop at the center of the park. Had we really been walking and talking for that long already?
“Wow, would you look at that?” I said, wishing the tour was longer.
Then again, if it was, I wasn’t sure Max would have been up for it, since he was having a harder day than normal.
Given everything I’d learned about Jeannie in such a short amount of time, I was willing to bet that she’d chosen this tour specifically for its length because she knew what her son could handle.
“Who’s ready to get their pictures with Kris Kringle? ”
“I am.” Eva raced forward as fast as her legs would carry her. Addy, however, didn’t speed. She was still concentrated on navigating the wheelchair. Not wanting my youngest to get too far ahead, I whistled sharply, and she whirled around. “Whoopsies. Sorry, Max. I got excited.”
“It’s okay. I’d also be running if I was up for it. It’s like you were doing it for me.”
The way Eva beamed at him and wiggled happily reminded me of exactly how she was anytime Addy complimented her on a new word she used.
“I’ll run for you whenever you want!” As if to prove herself, she raced all the way back to him, then ran forward again to the exact point where I’d stopped her.
She was going to sleep like the dead once her head hit the pillow back home.
“Wow!” Max said without a hint of irony. “You’re really fast! You should teach me how to run when I’m feeling better. That would be cool AF.”
“Max! Language!” Jeannie hissed, and I was more than a bit confused because I hadn’t heard any swear words.
“Sorry, Mama. I meant that would be cool as heck.”
Oh. Now I got it. There was a whole world of slang that I had no idea about because neither of my daughters really used it—both the benefit and detriment of having a well-read eldest daughter.
“I can do that!” Eva agreed happily.
The two of them continued to discuss grand running plans while Addy focused on pushing the wheelchair over the uneven ground of the park.
Finally, we reached the deeper snow and pathway of the Winter Wonderland.
They must have had the snow shipped in or had some machine making it like ski resorts did, because even though our winter was cold, there hadn’t been enough precipitation for a satisfying deep layer of snow.
Granted, as a bear I was pretty biased about what was a good amount of snow, but most people would agree that a single inch for Christmas was a bit of a let-down.
“Hey everyone,” I said as the tour guide dismissed us and encouraged everyone to take the time to visit Santa’s Workshop. “Let’s go get in the line before it’s too long, shall we?”
“Yeah!” the girls agreed in unison.
“Here, Addy,” Jeannie said, quickly moving forward. “I’ll go ahead and take over from here. Me and Max are going to take a lap around to check out the rest of the Winter Wonderland. We’ll meet you here once you’re done.”
Now that threw me through a loop, and I sent her a curious look. “You don’t want any pictures?”
Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that although we were sharing the joy of Christmas and the lights, I had assumed that she celebrated the same as me.
Perhaps her beliefs didn’t include Santa as part of the celebrations, or perhaps she was one of those parents who didn’t like to lie about the tooth fairy and other mythical creatures, so she didn’t celebrate that part of the holiday.
Seemed a bit far-fetched, but it was on me for assuming.
“The photos are like twenty dollars a pop,” she murmured, and I knew it was mostly for me to hear, not the girls.
That was when I understood.
It all added up. From them wearing the exact same coats, to the somewhat worn and mismatched gloves, scarves, and other protections.
Her comments about money. Not wanting to spend money at the rink.
And just being a single mother. I should have known, especially considering how bad the economy was.
I couldn’t imagine what my life or Zara’s would be like if we didn’t have the support of our entire clan.
It had really put us ahead and allowed me to build my landscaping business from the ground up.
Fuck, I’d really put my foot into it, hadn’t I?
“Don’t worry about that,” I said quickly, wanting to move past my blunder.
Jeannie’s brows knit together, and I could tell she was feeling that same guilt at accepting any help.
And while I got it—I really did—I wished I could brush away all that concern for her.
I didn’t pity her, and I wasn’t going to use this against her later, but she had no way of knowing that.
It was a splash of cold water to the face and a reminder that we were strangers, even if it didn’t feel that way when we talked to each other.
“No, no, that’s okay. Max and I will have so much fun wandering around. Won’t we, Max?”
“Would it be okay if we took a photo with Santa, Mama?”
Double fuck. I hadn’t meant to, but I’d really put her in an awkward situation.
“Addy, why don’t you take Max over to the line for a little bit, and we’ll catch up?”
My daughter’s eyes flicked from me to her new friend, and I saw a flicker of understanding there, but thankfully she didn’t say anything. She simply gave one of her resolute nods and gripped the handles of the wheelchair once again.
“Did you know that the origin of Santa Claus can be traced back to a fourth century Greek bishop named St. Nicholas?” she said as she pushed him forward.
Once they were out of earshot, I lowered my voice so there was no way that anybody but us could hear. “Sorry for taking the lead there, but seriously, Jeannie, I would love to be able to give Max this gift.”
“You really don’t have to. I didn’t invite you here to get stuff out of you!”
My heart sank. What kind of life had Jeannie led where she thought someone would assume that of her? I knew it didn’t come from nowhere, so it made me a bit sad.