Chapter 15 #2
“Right, right, he’s recovering from being very sick, isn’t he? Honestly, I kind of forgot with the way he was acting. He’s full of so much joie de vivre, or as my side of the family would say, ku vida ta txora!”
“Yeah. He reminds me to slow down and appreciate all of the little things, because you never know if they’ll disappear one day.”
“It really is amazing the things we can learn from the little ones, isn’t it? If we slow down and stop obsessing about all those adult things that seem so important, right?”
I nodded, my emotions surging again—gratitude at seeing my son’s chest rise and fall without any fear that it would suddenly stop.
There were so many good vibes here, and the kids playing on the floor had no problem with the fact that my son needed a little time to recover. Could life possibly be so easy?
Sometimes, it felt like a trick. Surely these people couldn’t be so good and so sweet? All these kind acts and welcoming actions were exactly like how our leader on the commune treated the new acolytes, only to change later when they were fully under his influence.
“Hey, I know I come on a bit strong, but I’d love to talk to you one-on-one for a bit. Care to go on a bit of a stroll with me?”
Huh, there must have been something in the air. She was the second person to mention going for a walk. Then again, considering the cool, crisp, and insanely clean air outside, I couldn’t blame them.
“Sure,” I said. “Let me just talk to Addy and Eva so they can look out for Max while we’re out.” I looked over my shoulder at Jahmoni, Olivia, and the others. “Would y’all keep an eye on Max?”
Jahmoni instantly stopped her banter with her cousin. “You best let that sweet baby angel rest as long as he need. Don’t worry, I’m about to tackle Olivia’s head next.”
“The hell you are,” Olivia said, jumping to her feet and holding her butt-length, strawberry-blonde hair up above her head and out of Jahmoni’s reach. “Back demon, back!”
“Aw, come on now. You ain’t that tender-headed. I don’t even gotta use a hot-comb with your hair.”
“Back, I say,” Olivia continued, climbing onto a chair. “We both know you just wanna steal my hair for your own wig.”
Jahmoni laughed, and despite the fact that she had at least twenty years on Olivia, she looked so incredibly young in the moment.
“You know, that ain’t a bad suggestion...”
And that was how two adults began chasing each other around the sitting area while everyone else watched on in amusement.
Naturally, the kids had to get in on the pandemonium.
As Ana and I walked outside, Olivia had an entire gaggle of people running after her while she held her hair above her head like the green diamond from The Sims.
It was an entertaining note to leave on, and I found myself grateful for the quiet when we stepped out of the main cabin.
It was kind of amazing how I could comfortably experience both ends of the spectrum having this holiday get-together.
There was the bright and loud cacophony of a large family full of many characters, then there was the utter still of winter and wild of nature waiting beyond a set of doors.
Long smiles and even longer stories; fresh air and towering trees.
“This way,” Ana said, gently tugging on my arm. “I want to show you the old playground.”
“Sure, I’d love to see it.”
I wasn’t surprised that there was an entirely different set somewhere, because the playground where the kids had played the first day seemed fairly new—as in less than a decade old.
Nothing like the wooden ones at parks when I was a kid.
You were guaranteed to get splinters there, yet none of us seemed to care.
Although I sure did care a lot when I’d gotten one under my nail when I was five.
Blech! I’d had an aversion to them for months after that.
The old playground was on the other side of the main cabin in a part I hadn’t visited yet. It was in the shadow of the large building, so the entire thing was cast in shade, making it far colder than the other one. Even bundled up as I was, I couldn’t help but shiver.
There was barely anything left of it, just a jagged square of concrete and a couple of metal structures and holes in the ground where the main posts of what had to have been a wooden jungle gym used to stand.
“You know, I never could get the hang of monkey bars,” I said wistfully. “Something about the texture of it against my palms. Gave me the heebies and the jeebies.”
“Really?” Ana said with a soft smile. “That was my and Zara’s favorite. Even when she got tired really quickly, she’d clamber up and sit on the top, I’d swing below her, or even hang upside down by my knees, while we talked about all the things we were going to do when we grew up.
“Back then, some of the kids thought we were a little weird for talking about college and jobs, but we understood that my sister wouldn’t get the same chances that everyone else did.”
I jolted internally. I suddenly remembered who I was talking to. In my mind, I thought of her as Remy’s sister. I’d forgotten she was his sister-in-law. It was her sibling who had died, and I was probably very obviously swooning over the man who was supposed to be with her sister forever.
How incredibly fucking awkward.
“It’s hard, being sick as a kid.” That was all I could think to say. Suddenly, I was wondering if there was a reason Ana had asked me for a walk. Maybe she had noticed me making pathetic eyes at her brother-in-law and wanted to gently and politely check me before I made a fool of myself.
God, I was such an idiot!
“It is. It definitely is. And I know you get that a lot more than other people.”
The grace in her voice surprised me. She almost sounded fond of me.
Surely I didn’t deserve anything like that.
It wasn’t like I had made an inappropriate move on Remy, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any sort of attraction or feelings for him whatsoever.
It was just a crush—at least that was what I kept telling myself—but that didn’t make it any less inappropriate.
“I know Max’s situation is a bit different, and while my sister had a time limit from the moment she was born, he’s gonna go live an amazing, long, and healthy life. But still... I can tell you get it.”
“I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her,” I said slowly, cautiously, trying to put as much care and consideration as I could into my words.
“But from what I’ve heard of her, she was an amazing person who lived her life to the fullest. And that she made everyone else’s lives better too. ”
“She really did,” Ana agreed. “She was the most giving, generous person I’ve ever met. It was like she was trying to pack an entire century’s worth of joy into what limited time she had.”
“I wish I could have met her.”
“So do I, but if you did, things would be a lot different between you and Remy, wouldn’t it?”
I froze. So, we were gonna talk about it.
“Look, I’m sorry—”
Ana held up a hand. “Whatever direction you think this conversation is going, I promise it’s not. I’m just trying to find the right words. It’s been eighteen months since she died, and about three years since she was really in decline, but sometimes it feels like yesterday.”
I nodded, my heart thundering wildly. Ana’s tone was so gentle, but she had to hate me, right? I was interloping on a hole her sister’s death had left. I hadn’t meant to, though.
“But I have had the unique privilege of knowing about and preparing for her premature passing since I was old enough to understand it, so maybe it’s weird that I’m thinking about this only eighteen months later, but whatever.”
I frowned. “Thinking what?”
“Zara only really ever asked me for one thing, and that was to make sure Remy found happiness whenever he was ready. And I’m not saying that’s right now, but I am saying I think it could be now.”
Wait… what?
I blinked at her in disbelief, but didn’t say anything, because what could I say to that? Thankfully, she wasn’t done speaking, so I didn’t have to pull words out of the mess going on inside my head.
“Look, I love Remy. He was the best man for my sister. But before she passed, Zara made him promise that he would move on and find happiness once he was ready. I know he remembers that part, but I kinda think he’s misinterpreted that.”
I was pretty sure that he’d said something similar to me, but that last part was new. “Oh?”
“Yeah. I’m not in his head, but it kind of feels like he believes he has to be happy and act like everything is okay. Almost toxic positivity.
“It wasn’t always like that. In fact, when he missed last Christmas, I was relieved that he was willing to admit everything wasn’t just hunky-dory. But ever since then, it’s like he’s forced any and all negative thinking into a closet.”
I thought back on our interactions to see if I could retroactively pick up any clues about that, and now that Ana mentioned it, there were a few times when Remy had stated he’d never discussed something with anyone, or that it was his first time really allowing himself to think about a more serious topic or philosophy.
“But I gotta say, seeing him around you really puts me at ease.”
That pulled me out of my retrospection. “It does? Why?”
“Because his happiness seems real. Less forced. And maybe I’m just all up in my feelings about this, but it looks like an entire weight is off him.
” She took my hand and intertwined our fingers.
It was a surprisingly intimate move for someone I’d only met two days ago, but it wasn’t unwelcome.
In fact, it was like a gate opening between us, allowing me closer to who she truly was.