Chapter 15 #3
“I know this might not be my place, and I am completely aware that men and women can just be friends, but if there is something between you two, I want you to know my sister would be one hundred percent behind it. Some people sort of look past Remy because he can be quiet and seems so put-together on the outside, but Zara’s always seen that deeper part of him since we were kids. And I’m thinkin’ you see it too.”
I knew exactly what she meant. Remy was handsome, strong, and came across as intensely capable, but there was so much more to him.
He was deeply introspective, and the wisdom bombs he dropped on me lingered in my mind.
I’d spent multiple nights staring at the ceiling, thinking about his premise that first reactions were what society taught us, and secondary reactions being our true self.
“I do. I get the impression he doesn’t think he’s all that smart, but I think he’s crazy insightful. I mean, just look at his daughters. I’m pretty sure that’s not all Zara.”
“Nope! Not at all. And I don’t think he realizes it, but Eva really does take after him in so many ways.
That girl is sharp, but she’s selective about who she trusts to show it to.
” Ana squeezed my hand, and those stormy green eyes looked so deep into me, I swore that she could see all the way down to Juniper. “You get what I’m sayin’?”
My heart was still thundering, but for entirely different reasons than the fear at the beginning of our conversation.
“You think he trusts me?” God, I very much wanted to believe that, but the pessimistic side of me—the one that had been so betrayed by my first love and even my own parents—said it was far too soon and that there was something everyone here was hiding because no one was this nice.
“I think so, yeah. Obviously, I can’t say one hundred percent, but I’ve known the guy since I was a sophomore in high school, so I’m pretty confident.”
Despite working with words every day, I didn’t really have the right ones to describe how I was feeling.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked finally.
“Because I want to see my brother happy. And to be honest, I kind of want to see you happy too. Maybe it’s intuition, maybe it’s that little angel of yours that’s influencing me, but I’ve got a really, really good feeling about things.
Whether it’s friendship or whatever in your future.
I don’t wanna put pressure on it or anythin’…
” She trailed off, her gaze finally drifting out of my soul to somewhere past me.
I waited for her to formulate exactly what she was trying to express.
“Look. I know this situation isn’t simple. We’re all adults and there are so many complications that come with adult life. But I want you to know that I’m both happy you’re here and you have my blessing for whatever happens between you—if anything happens between you. That’s all.”
I wanted to thank her—in fact, that’s exactly what I planned to do, but instead I burst into tears. Big, sloppy, snotty tears.
“Whoa, whoa, hey there, nha! It’s okay. What’s goin’ on here?”
She pulled me into a hug. I felt a little like I was going crazy, because while I had always been a relatively emotional person who felt things pretty deeply, I’d learned from a young age to withhold my tears and pretend everything was okay, so I wouldn’t be lectured about being ungrateful or dramatic.
“I just…” I said before hiccups interrupted me.
God, I was such a mess. “I thought I was fine. When Max went into remission, I thought I truly had everything I needed and I would be content watching him grow up. But now I’m realizing…
” I trailed off, half afraid to verbalize what my brain was screaming.
“Now you’re realizing you might want more.”
I nodded.
“That you might need more.”
Another nod. The tears were slowing, which I was sure was because I’d fried my tear ducts during Max’s illness.
“Look, Jeannie, I know I’m basically a stranger, but please believe me when I tell you it is both healthy and normal for you to crave things outside of your son.
I get that you’ve dedicated the last three years of your life to keeping that lil’ guy alive, but he’s good now.
He’s in remission. Now’s the time to expand your world a little and make time for Mama. ”
“I… I think you’re right,” I admitted. “But it’s kind of terrifying. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I made him my whole world. He’s the one person I can trust. But now…”
“Now things are looking a little different?”
“Yeah,” I finished lamely.
“Hey, different is okay. Scary is okay. But it’s the holidays. So, why don’t we put that bigger world you’re crackin’ open to the side and have you enjoy the season? I heard this is your first Christmas since Max got better, right?”
“Right.”
“Then let’s focus on that and celebrate it, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed and pulled away so I could wipe my face.
Now that my tears were no longer flowing freely, they were freezing in biting little rivulets along my face, making me wish I was wearing my knitted face covering.
I’d left it at our cabin since I didn’t expect to be outside much, not with Max needing to recover from the first two days—the great snowball war and the ice-fishing adventure.
“Thank you. For all this. It’s good to know, uh, what you think about things. ”
“Glad to share ’em. But for now, you wanna head inside? Warm up those cheeks of yours and check on the lil’ man?”
“Yeah, just need a minute to catch my breath.”
“You take all the time you need, Miss Ma’am. I ain’t in no rush.” She sent me a warm grin. “After all, it’s the holidays.”
“It certainly is.”
The two of us looked out over the old playground. We didn’t say anything, but there was no need to. We were in our heads a bit, but that was okay, because there were valuable things going on in there.
“Okay, I’m ready,” I said once I had my emotions under control and my eyes didn’t feel puffy anymore. If Ana was bothered by the cold or standing out here with me, she didn’t show any signs of it. Granted, she didn’t really seem like the type to anyway.
We headed in together in comfortable silence.
If Zara was anything like her sister, I understood why she and Remy got along so well.
And strangely, I wasn’t insecure or jealous about it.
I thought I might be, at least a little, since Remy had truly had a deep and understanding love with Zara, a sort of storybook romance like those I edited for my clients.
After all, how could I measure up to that?
But no, there wasn’t really a lot of room for my insecurity. I was happy they’d had a chance to be together at all. Just because her story had been short didn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful. And just because it was meaningful didn’t mean Remy couldn’t have a story with me.
I was getting ahead of myself. I had no idea if Remy had any romantic inclinations toward me or if I was misinterpreting things, but honestly, that was okay.
The important part was that I was giving myself permission to feel longing and desire just like anybody else.
It was so freeing, so maybe it wasn’t only Remy who was walking around with a weight lifted off his shoulders.
“Hey, Mama,” Max said. He was sitting up, with Eva’s toys at his side and Addy’s book in his hands. “Where’d ya end up going to?”
“Auntie Ana and I went on a bit of a walk.” There was no reason to fib when she was right beside me. Besides, I had a strict policy of always telling my son the truth whenever possible, even if it could be uncomfortable. “Where are the girls?”
They had been glued together like their own happy little unit, so it was strange to see them apart before bedtime.
“They wanted some time alone with their daddy. It’s Christmas, ya know? Probably got a lot to talk about ‘n’ feel together.”
That seemed to be going around.
“I understand that. Well, do you wanna hang with me for a bit?”
“Actually,” he said in that tone of his where I knew he was keen on an idea but trying to be casual about it.
“I heard about this poggers trail from some of the kids, not a long one, but it goes through a really old part of the forest. Apparently, there’s a cabin that looks just like a real secret Santa’s Workshop instead of that fake one in the city! ”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah! With all the snow, it’s a real winter wonderland, and since nobody lives there, some of the icicles can get almost as tall as me! I think it would be hella cool to go.”
“I know what you’re talking about,” Ana said, seeming very into the idea. “It actually is a really great trail and only like an hour, hour and a half there and back, even if you go slow with kids.
“There’s this half-frozen pond along the way with a mini waterfall.
You can see the fish moving way down below on the frozen side.
If I remember right, there’s a circle of pine trees that completely shelter the ground, and a fire pit that a lot of people will stop at to rest and warm up.
I’d actually love to go with you. Tia Dulce has absconded with my kids again because her husband promised to teach them trapping, so they loaded up in their van this morning and took off about an hour northwest to the actual wildlands. ”
“Really? You’d be willing to lead point on our hike? We’re pretty slow, the two of us.” I didn’t want Max to feel like he would be holding us back, so I made sure to include that I was also not a speedy walker.
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Besides, it would be a great way for us to hang out. I love my nieces, but they have been hogging you, my good man.”
“That is because I am an utter delight.”
“And don’t you forget it!”
“I won’t,” my son said, the corner of his mouth twitching. He knew exactly how delightfully precocious he was being. “I have an excellent memory.” He paused, and his attention returned to me as he set the book down. “What time is it, Mama?”
“Almost one.”
“Do you wanna get some food? Go to our cabin ‘n’ change into our thermal socks, then head out on the trail around three? That way, even if we go really, really slow, we’ll make it back before sundown. Like, right before sundown, but still.”
I loved that my son was proactively requesting food. What a long way we had come! “Sounds like a plan to me. Let’s go get our grub on, shall we?”
“I already ate,” Ana said. “I’m gonna do some last-minute stuff at my place. I’ll meet you at your cabin at three?”
“You got it.”
“Sap! Lookin’ forward to it.” She hurried off. While I wasn’t the biggest hiker and never really had been, I had to admit I was looking forward to it too.