Chapter 17 #2
“He watched a lot of old TV when he was in the hospital. Older patients needing chemo, you know?”
Ah.
It absolutely made sense now that she had said it.
I couldn’t help but marvel at the fact that his sickness had really influenced every aspect of Max’s young life—the books he read, the way he had to hold himself, the media he watched…
He’d had to sit still in ways most children never could, had been so weak he couldn’t even get out of bed.
He’d missed out on so much, and yet, he was such a wonderful mix of child, ancient soul, and hope all bundled up into one—knock on wood—growing package.
He really was so similar to Zara in that way.
“You’re clearly Lucy Liu’s character,” the young boy said, unapologetically himself as he always was. “I’m Cameron Diaz, and Eva, you’re Drew Barrymore.”
“I don’t know who she is.”
“Technically, she’s an actress, but her character is cool. You’d like her. She’s got kind of a raspy voice too.”
As I watched them all interact together, my pride continued to grow, filling me with warmth from the soles of my feet all the way up to my scalp.
Again, I was struck with that feeling of it almost being meant to be.
Max was such a perfect bridge between my two daughters, yet completely comfortable with both.
“They really are three peas in a pod, aren’t they?” Ana asked, smoothly popping up at my side while Jeannie was preoccupied with her mini photo shoot. Normally people taking so many pictures instead of being in the moment bothered me, but not with her.
Probably because I knew what each and every one of those photos meant to her as a mother who had almost gone through a parent’s worst nightmare. Each one was not only proof that it happened, but also a memory to cherish forever no matter what tragedies life might bring.
Eventually, we got to walking, with the kids running off ahead and doing what kids did: picking up cool rocks, finding also-cool sticks, and kicking any chunks of snow.
Really, anybody looking in from the outside who didn’t know the situation would probably think we were a family.
Family…
I swallowed hard, but didn’t let myself focus on that thought. For now, I just wanted to enjoy the Christmas feel of it all.
But even though I was, as my kids might say, vibing hard with everything, I noticed Max began to flag about twenty minutes later.
Not much at first, but a little more with each passing moment.
I exchanged glances with Jeannie, and I could tell she was struggling with whether to call it quits or not.
Max had been so excited that it seemed a borderline crime to rain on his parade—or snow on his hike, to fit with the season.
Surprisingly, it was the boy himself who decided. He sat down on a rock, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. Jeannie was at his side in a split second, moving insanely quickly just like she had on the ice when we first met.
“I dunno if I can keep going,” he murmured and I instantly felt awful for him. It was so very clear to me that Max wanted to be as active as my girls could be, but it just wasn’t a reality for him yet. He had so much he needed to recover from, and on top of that, he had to build up his stamina.
“Aw, that’s okay, baby,” she said, crouching down in front of him and being her usual sweet self. “We can head back.”
“No!” he objected forcefully. “Mama, it sounded so cool!”
“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet,” Addy chimed in, which surprised me. It wasn’t like her to pile on—she had a bit more tact than Eva to know this wasn’t the right time to say such a thing.
“I know, baby, but we can try again tomorrow. Or another day when you’re more up to it.”
“I can carry you,” I offered. Max’s weight was basically nothing to me, so it wouldn’t be a real issue.
The kids all exchanged wide-eyed glances, and I wondered if I had stuck my foot in it.
“I don’t need to be carried!”
Whoa, it seemed like I really had messed up.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I was just trying to help.”
“I know,” Max answered. “I just… can you please go for me, Mama?” he asked beseechingly. “And take a ton of pics and videos for me? It’s not a lot farther!”
“Big guy, I love you, but I’m not letting you walk all the way back to the cabin on your own.”
“I’ll take him,” Ana said. “That way you and the girls can still go on ahead, and Jeannie can get all the photos and videos she needs.”
“Thank you, Ana, you don’t have to.”
“Actually, I have a tummy ache,” Addy said, her forehead creasing.
“You do?” I asked only for her to nod very resolutely. “Jeez, I’m sorry.”
I had a sneaky suspicion that my daughter was lying to me, which was a new and concerning thing, but I also couldn’t help but wonder if it was because she didn’t want Max to feel bad for needing to call it quits because of his body.
“If Addy’s going back, I wanna go back,” Eva blurted, her intensity ratcheting up to about eleven.
What the hell is going on here?
We’d been having so much fun, now suddenly everyone was suddenly sick. Had something set them off? Or was this just the three of them sticking together no matter what?
“It’s okay everyone, let’s all head back to the main cabin, get food and hot drinks, then maybe turn in early tonight and try again tomorrow.”
“No!” Max wailed, which was really unlike him. “Mama, I don’t want you to miss out on another thing just because I’m a stupid sick kid.”
Whoa.
“Honey!” Jeannie said, sounding shocked and hurt.
I didn’t blame her. My own heart was sinking, and if I hadn’t been through my own shit, my eyes probably would have teared up a little. I could endure a lot of things, but man, kids being hurt or upset was my kryptonite.
In fact, my inner bear rose from his slumber, growling within me, and I felt the urge to puff out my chest and scare off whatever was terrorizing a cub.
But that was the crux of things, wasn’t it?
The thing terrorizing Max wasn’t something that could be seen, or touched, or beaten to a pulp.
It was the echoes of a nightmare he’d valiantly fought through but had left so many scars.
“I haven’t missed out on anything because of you. You’ve given me so much.”
Max leaned forward and took his mother’s hands.
I almost felt like I was eavesdropping, the moment was so intimate.
“Mama, I know it’s just a cabin, but please, could you go there and have fun for me?
And take all the pictures? I just… It’s like I’ve been a normal kid ever since we got here and I…
” He sniffled. “Can’t we just keep pretending that I am? ”
Oh my god, I might actually cry. While I didn’t buy into toxic masculinity, I wasn’t a big crier naturally. But what Max said touched me in a way I hadn’t expected. He was so happy all the time, it was jarring to realize he still had so much pain inside of him.
“Please, please, please, Mama, finish the hike and take photos for me?”
“Okay, big man. I’ll do it for you.”
“For you, Mama.”
Jeannie’s voice cracked as she answered, but none of us commented on it. “For me.”
As touching as the scene was, the idea of Jeannie on the trail alone with the sun setting in the sky, made both me and my inner bear viscerally object. “I’m not really comfortable with you going alone,” I said. I expected a dirty look from Max, but he almost looked… triumphant?
“Like I said, I’ll take ’em all back!” Ana said. “Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy!”
“Really?” Jeannie murmured, wiping her eyes as she straightened like nothing was wrong. God, the woman was so strong, and I found myself wishing that she didn’t have to be. “You don’t mind?”
“Not at all. Come on, Max, hop on my back!”
“Okay!”
The boy got up and walked over to my sister, hopping onto her back after she crouched down. My daughters weren’t far behind, with Ana picking up one in each arm before trotting off.
“See you guys back at the cabin! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
What?
“She’s, uh, like really strong, isn’t she?” Jeannie mused, looking a bit shaken by how everything had turned out. I was right there with her.
“She’s a nurse,” I said like that explained everything. And strangely enough, that seemed enough for Jeannie. She nodded, then turned and started up the trail.
Looked like it was just the two of us now.