Chapter 6
6
“ M om! Please! I promise to be good.”
Calista shot a nasty look toward Hawke, who sat at her island in the middle of her kitchen. He’d all but said it would be fine. He had no right to make that kind of decision without discussing it with her first.
In private.
Not in front of a room full of children jumping up and down, begging her to let David spend the night at Arthur’s house.
It didn’t matter that at one time she had called Arthur a friend. Or that his wife, Maren, was about the nicest woman Calista had ever met. It didn’t matter that Calista wanted to get to know Maren. That she could see them being fast friends.
And their kids? Wow.
Buddy was exactly as she had remembered. And Kaelie was the perfect woman for him. Their twins, while a handful, were as sweet as sugar.
But that didn’t change how she felt undermined by Hawke, who had zero experience as a father. To his credit, he asked everyone to give them a minute to discuss the situation. Now, it was time for David to leave the room.
“Let me talk to your father. Why don’t you go outside and play with Justice?”
“Yes, ma’am.” David slumped his shoulders.
She kissed the top of her son’s head and watched as he scuffed his feet across the wood floor, his head hung low.
“Don’t ever do that again.” She glared at Hawke.
“Excuse me?” Hawke held his beer halfway between the counter and his lips. “Do what?”
“You told him he could go without asking me, and this is after you bulldozed me into entertaining your friends. I don’t like being manipulated like that.”
“I’ll apologize for not consulting you before inviting my friends over, but you’re being delusional because all I told our son was that before any decisions were made about a sleepover, he needed to discuss it with you, but if you need one more reason to continue to hate me, be my guest.” He tilted the glass bottle. “For the record, I was all for him spending the night at my boss’ house. I thought it might give you and me a chance to talk alone. But now, I don’t want to be in the same room with you. So tell him whatever you want, and I will one hundred percent back you up.” He pushed his chair back from the counter. “I’ll be outside with my friends. Shall I send David in?”
“Yes, thank you.” She snagged her wineglass and took a big gulp of courage. She had two choices. Say yes and be the hero. Say no and be the mean mom.
Oh, who the hell was she kidding.
Neither of those things were true. Besides, her only reason for saying no would be to piss off Hawke. What good did that do her son?
“Hey, Mom. Dad says you have a decision for me.”
She patted the stool at the island. “How do you feel about having met your father after all these years?”
“Truth?” David responded with the family standard question. She’d raised him to be honest, but she also understood that there would be times in his life when he’d rather keep his thoughts and feelings to himself, so he had the option to keep his mouth shut occasionally.
“Always,” she said.
“I love it, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“I’m glad you’re enjoying getting to know him.” She reached across the counter and held her son’s hand. “It’s harder for him because he didn’t know about you, and I want you to know he would have been here all along had we found him earlier.”
“He’s told me that at least five times in the last hour.”
“Have I told you how proud I am of you lately?” she asked.
David nodded.
“You’re making Hawke feel loved, and that’s the best feeling a father could have.”
“Don’t you still love him, Mom?”
Out of the mouths of babes. “It’s been a long time, but yes, part of me will always love your father. He’s a great man, and I think he’s right. You should go spend the night with your new friend.”
“Really?” David jumped from the stool and turned in a circle, flapping his arms. “Thanks, Mom. Can I go tell them?”
“Of course.” She watched her son race out the back door while she poured herself another glass of wine. She held up the bottle. Only half a glass left, so she filled hers to the brim. Might as well get a little numb since she’d be spending the night alone for the first time in almost ten years.
The next ten minutes was filled with David running around, collecting what he’d need for his sleepover. His excitement filled the air, and it proved impossible to stay angry, even at Hawke.
Calista knew deep down David would be just fine. He’d been starved for this kind of interaction with kids his own age. While he made friends easily, he didn’t put himself out there, mostly keeping to himself, so this truly was a blessing.
“Are you okay?” Maren asked. She stood next to the back door and smiled. “I know we’re a lot to take in.”
“Well, back in the day, I was used to everyone on your husband’s team. But it’s weird to see them all grown up, with wives and kids.”
“For as long as we’ve known Hawke, he’s been a bit of a loner, always keeping us at a distance. Most of the single men on the team do the same thing, but not to the extent that Hawke has, which is strange for Arthur, since they have such a long history. So when he called for help, Arthur offered to come over with Kaelie and Buddy.” Maren’s smile reminded Calista of Hawke’s mother before she passed. It was kind, loving, and reassuring.
“I’m sorry if I’ve come across like a total bitch.” Calista hadn’t wanted to enjoy these people, and she tried not to but failed miserably.
“You didn’t. But it was obvious to us that we were unexpected guests, so I cornered Hawke, and he explained he neglected to ask you before accepting our offer to bring dinner.” Maren looped her arm through Calista’s and headed toward the front door. “You should know that Arthur didn’t give Hawke much of an opportunity to decline.”
“That does sound like Arthur. He was always known for impromptu parties up in Dover. But Hawke still should have told me.” And she should have made a better effort to tell Hawke about his son.
A regret she’d carry forever.
“Perhaps. But Arthur built this team. Every man he works with was handpicked, and while I might be the love of his life, those men are his brothers. Their bond is thicker than we can even imagine. When Arthur says he takes care of his own, that includes those people his brothers care about. You’re stuck with us.”
“I could think of worse things to be stuck with.” Calista couldn’t remember the last time she felt like she was with her people. When she married Doug, his family had been nice enough, but she’d never been invited into their inner circle.
Hawke’s friends had made her feel like family years ago and then did again today.
And then there was the connection with Hawke. It might not be exactly what they used to have, but it was still spectacular.
That terrified her.
“Mom! We’re ready to go,” Justice called from the porch.
“You better get going,” Calista said.
“We’ll take good care of him.” Maren pulled her in for a long hug. “I’ll call you in the morning.”
“Thanks.” She tossed David’s bag in the back of the Suburban before kissing her son goodbye. “You be on your best behavior, you hear?”
“Yes, ma’am.” David wrapped his hands around her waist. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you more,” she whispered.
David skipped around the Suburban to where Hawke helped put Kelly in her car seat. “Hey, Dad,” David said. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For finding us.”
“Trust me, kid. No one is happier about that than me. I’m looking forward to being a better father to you.”
“You’re already the best!” David jumped up into the back of the Suburban. He waved frantically from the window with the biggest smile she’d ever seen.
Tears dabbed her eyes. “I need more wine.” She’d probably crack open a second bottle. She didn’t drink much, but tonight certainly called for it.
“Mind if I have a glass?” Hawke asked.
“Thought you couldn’t stand being in the same room with me?” She jogged up the porch steps and bolted through the main door, not glancing over her shoulder once. Her heart hammered against her rib cage, rattling her teeth. Being alone with Hawke made her want to hide under a rock, but only because she didn’t trust herself around him.
Better to stay mad at him than relax and enjoy his company because if she did that, she knew they could easily end up wanting to snuggle up next to him on the sofa, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
“I was just being mean,” he said.
“We’ve gotten good at doing that.” She pulled down another red glass and handed him a fresh bottle and the corkscrew.
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to spend time with David, but at the same time, I needed to discuss Wendel with my friends.” He swirled the red liquid before bringing it up to his nose and taking a big whiff. “Remember how much I used to hate this stuff?”
“It’s an acquired taste.” A long silence filled the room. Years of not knowing what happened to Hawke crashed down on her shoulders.
“I could get into trouble for what I’m about to tell you, but I think you should know.”
“I’m not sure I want to hear this,” she said.
“Kaelie thinks, and I agree, that Wendel might have raped?—”
Calista gasped. The wineglass slipped from her fingers and crashed to the floor.
“That’s the second time today that someone has broken glass when I was speaking.” Effortlessly, Hawke lifted her off her feet and carried her into the family room where he set her down on the sofa. “I’ll clean it up and be back in a jiffy.”
“Not until you explain to me what is going on.” She held his biceps as tightly as she could. So tight that he stumbled forward, landing on top of her.
“Shit,” he mumbled. “Are you okay?”
Feeling the weight of his body on hers brought back vivid memories of their time together. He’d always been a passionate man. Kind. Loving. And damn good in bed.
Hell, he was the best she’d ever had, and no man could ever make her feel the way he did.
“I’ll be fine once you get off me,” she said under her breath, but deep down, all she wanted to do was wrap her arms and legs around his body and have him just one more time.
As if that would ever be enough.
“Sorry.” He arched, pulling her up with him.
She brushed her hair out of her face. “Now tell me what the hell is going on.”
“I can’t tell you the specifics, but Kaelie and our cop friend Rusty believe that Wendell is responsible for the rape and murder of three women in this last year.”
“Does Wendel know he’s a suspect? I mean he’s a cop and he likes flashing that badge of his around.”
“I’ve been given very little information. This is why I think it’s imperative we move David to the school Arthur’s kids go to. He’d be in class with Justice, and my buddy Rex has a daughter there just a year younger, as well as Kent’s son, who is the same age, and his daughter, who is in high school. All of the school-age kids from my team go there, and a few other friends I know as well.”
“Is David in danger?” Calista took in a few deep breaths while her mind processed the information.
“I don’t think so, but it’s you who could be.” Hawke had looped his arm over Calista’s shoulders. His hand gently massaged her muscles, and she reluctantly relaxed into his body.
“What a clusterfuck,” she mumbled.
“I just want to keep you and our son safe. Even though his kid won’t be in school for a week, why put our son through that? Will you at least go look at the school? We can arrange for David to visit with Justice.”
She rubbed her aching temples. In less than twenty-four hours, her life had turned upside down. It was hard enough to deal with Hawke being back in her life, but knowing that Wendel, who gave her the creeps anyway, could be responsible for raping and killing, made her want to move back to Vermont and in with her ex-husband.
“I just uprooted mine and David’s life. I’m not sure transferring schools is what’s best for him.” She glanced at Hawke. “He might be an easygoing kid, but what would we tell him? What would be the reason? I’m just not sure. All I want is what’s best for him.”
“I think this would be good for him. It’s where my friends’ kids are and you watched how all that went down. We present it to him together as an option for him to be with his new friends. Make it a positive thing. Just think about it for a few minutes.” Hawke jumped to his feet. “I’m going to go clean up the mess in the kitchen. Want anything?”
“Yeah. More wine. Like the whole fucking bottle.”
Hawke carried two plastic glasses and a bottle of wine out onto the back patio. When Courtney had killed herself, his emotions had been all over the map. He’d felt so out of control that the only thing he could do was turn them off. He’d completely shut himself down, voiding any ties to his past. They would creep into his dreams or rear their ugly faces while on the job.
But for the most part, Hawke had kept himself an empty shell of a man.
Until this morning.
Now, everything he’d tried so hard to bury stung his body like a million bees swarming on his skin. They prickled and burned and made him want to scream. Not because he didn’t want his son, or even Calista, but because of everything he’d missed out on.
And he had only himself to blame.
A reality he had to take responsibility for.
He took in a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly between his lips. “Can we start over?”
Calista glanced over her shoulder. The setting sun glistened over her dark hair, making it shine. “Look at this.”
He set the wine on the table and took her cell. A picture of David and Justice on the docks at the marina holding a couple of pretty decent-sized fish filled the screen.
“I haven’t ever seen him that happy,” she said. “You made that happen.”
“I had nothing to do with it,” he said with a long sigh.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” she said.
“Neither do I.” He settled in the lounge chair next to her but kept his gaze on the birds taking flight in the sky. “But before we get into our personal situation, I beg you to consider having David change schools. Wendel all but threatened me in an email today.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now,” he said, understanding her frustrated tone and well aware he probably deserved it.
“I don’t like to make decisions without discussing them with David, so I do like the idea of approaching him with the concept first.”
“Does that mean you talked with him before you got married? And before you divorced?” He did his best not to sound condescending or spiteful, but by the way her nose crinkled, he doubted he was successful.
“If he and Doug hadn’t gotten along so well, I might not have gotten married.” She cocked her head. “Why are you asking me about that?”
Hawke didn’t know what bothered him more. The fact that she married someone other than him, or that his son played family with a stranger. It got under his skin, and he needed answers about this part of her past.
“How did our son take the divorce? Is he still in contact with his stepfather?” Hawke gagged on the last word. It had less to do with whoever this Doug person was, and more to do with the fact that Hawke lost ten years of his son’s life. He desperately wanted to let go of the rage swirling around in his gut. But he didn’t know how to do that.
She shook her head. “He’s reconciling with his ex-wife, and it wouldn’t be fair to his kids. Besides, David has always been so focused on you that Doug often felt left out of the equation, and I wouldn’t allow Doug to squelch David’s natural curiosity about his father. I didn’t believe that would have been fair to you. It honestly became an impossible situation for both me and Doug.”
“Was David upset about moving to Florida?”
“No. He wasn’t upset at all. To him, everything is an adventure and a new place to go, looking for you. However, he sometimes misses his stepsiblings. That part was tough and about the only thing I regret.”
“So you don’t regret marrying Doug?”
“We had some good times together, but he’d never gotten over his wife. She was as much of a ghost in our marriage as you were.” She let out a long breath. “I should have just blurted out I was possibly pregnant at Courtney’s funeral. It might have saved us all a ton of grief.”
Hawke adamantly shook his head. “That would have been a horrible idea. You were right to wait. I only wish I hadn’t dodged you that day you showed up at my brother’s. I was there, you know.”
“I figured,” she said flatly. “Again, I shouldn’t have let your brother hush me when I thought about telling him.”
“And I should have read the letters,” he admitted.
“We can do this all day, but it won’t change the last ten years or where to go from here.” She set her glass down and leaned forward, resting her hands on his knees. “I meant it when I said I would never stop you from being a father or being in our son’s life on a regular basis.”
He reached out and wiped away the tears that strolled down her angelic face. He’d always hated it when he made her cry. During their relationship, he’d done it way too often.
“At Courtney’s funeral, I felt so guilty for loving you.” He spoke the words that had tormented his heart for years. Words that squeezed the air from his lungs every time he even thought about a long-lasting relationship with the few women he’d met over the years that he liked more than most. “I walked away because when Courtney had been alive, she managed to create a wedge between us, and in death, she just made it bigger.”
Calista pursed her lips like she’d always done when angry or frustrated.
He hushed her with his finger. “We can’t go back and find out if my fears would have been true, but when I saw you on the ledge, it was like someone stabbed me in the heart. I couldn’t breathe, and I only thought about how much I loved you.” He didn’t bother to wait for a reaction. He tied their mouths up like a suction cup, unwilling to let go. Their tongues twisted and turned in a frantic dance to reunite. When he told her he was dead to her, he really meant he was dead to himself.
He thought he had nothing left to give anyway. Courtney had taken it all with her when she killed herself.
Only it had been him who had destroyed everything.
He pulled her to a standing position, still kissing her mouth as if she were his last meal.
Stumbling, he led her back into the house and pressed her body against a door when he slammed it shut. Desperation controlled his every move, and he so desperately needed Calista. He needed to love her again.
To forgive her.
To be forgiven.
To make up for the last ten years.
He dropped his head to her shoulder, breathless.
There was no making up for what he’d done. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, taking a step back.
“If you’re sorry about kissing me, then get out. If not, don’t stop.”
His gaze went between her pleading eyes and her heaving chest. He was torn between beating himself up, a mantra he’d grown comfortable in, and the deep-seated desire to be with the only woman he could ever truly love.
And damn it, he still loved her.
He let out a slight chuckle as he fanned both her cheeks. “Definitely not sorry about that.”
She looped her hands around his waist, slipping them under his shirt. Her warm fingers dug into his muscles.
“I’m just not sure it’s a good idea,” he said.
“Neither am I.” She arched a seductive brow like she used to do when she’d saunter across the bedroom half-naked.
“We can’t just pick up where we left off,” he said as he fumbled with the buttons on her blouse. “But we can start something new.”
“We’re just reminiscing. A trip down memory lane. You don’t really want me anymore.”
“Are you kidding me?” He pressed his body against hers, spreading her legs and lifting her feet off the ground. “Tell me that again because my body and my heart say something entirely different.”
“An hour ago, you couldn’t stand to be in the same room with me. Now you want to do it right here in my kitchen?”
“Yesterday you thought I didn’t want my?—”
She covered his mouth with her hand. “Let’s not go down that circular road again.”
“Agreed.” Firmly, he held the back of her thighs. “Where’s the bedroom?”
“Down the hall. Second door on the right, but Hawke.” She cupped his face, staring deeply into his eyes, sucking the life energy from his lungs. “I want to state for the record I don’t have any idea what this means, but I know for sure we don’t want David to think we’re back together. It wouldn’t be good for him. Can you understand that?”
Slowly, Hawke made his way down the hall, contemplating her words and their meaning. This wasn’t just sex, but he couldn’t define it other than perhaps healing old wounds and giving them closure.
“Wherever the three of us end up, David has to be the center,” she said.
“I couldn’t agree more. Now, can you stop talking?” He set her on the edge of the bed, pulling her shirt down over her shoulders, revealing her tiny white lacy bra with a front clasp. He flicked it open with his fingers, exposing her perky, full breasts.
They were bigger than he remembered. He supposed that came from having a baby.
“Did you nurse our son?”
“That’s a really fucking weird question to ask right now.”
He knelt between her legs and cupped her, rubbing his thumbs over her hard nipples. They puckered tighter with each flick. “I might have a few more.”
“Well, wait to ask them until we’re done.”
“You’ve always been so demanding in bed.” He squelched the pinch of jealousy that tickled his pride. He had no right to begrudge her any man in the last ten years. He’d had his fair share of women, which brought his own shame and guilt in this moment.
But after tonight, he vowed to prove to her that he could, and would, take care of his son.
And his son’s mother.
Forever.
No way would he crash and burn on this mission.
“Would you just shut up and kiss me,” she whispered.
He took her nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue over the hard nub while he managed to roll her shoulders over her hips. A wave of dizziness rolled across his body. It was as if a vortex plucked him from his current life and hurled him into a mixture of the past and the future. There was no other woman for him in the world. He knew that ten years ago but thought he could live without her.
No way could he ever walk away again.
Nor would he let her. Not now.
Not ever.
He kissed every inch of her glorious body, not letting a single speck of skin go unnoticed. He didn’t stop until she squeezed her legs tight and called out his name, convulsing into his mouth. He kissed her inner thigh, then worked his way to her luscious lips. He sucked the bottom one into his mouth, nibbling on it and catching her every moan.
All he wanted to do was bury himself deep inside her, rocking with her until they both exploded with thick passion only two people who were meant to be together could share.
He’d been with a few good-looking women who by no means could be called anything but talented when it came to making love.
But no one could ever be Calista.
She curled her fingers around him, squeezing and gently stroking him like a fiddle.
Falling onto the bed on his back, he groaned, pooling her hair on top of her head. He watched her take him into her hot mouth. With the grace of a Greek goddess, she glided her lips over him, making him see double.
“Christ,” he mumbled, stiffening his body, doing his best to maintain control. His breath came in short, throaty pants.
She dared to take a break and glanced up at him with a smile.
“That’s enough,” he commanded. “Come here.” He hadn’t thought that through when she climbed up on top of him. He grabbed her hips and held her steady for a long moment, staring into her eyes. “You’re still the most amazing and beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
Their bodies moved in unison. Each of them knew exactly what the other one needed.
Wanted.
And neither one disappointed.
He dug his heels into the mattress and raised up with a quick thrust, pulling her chest to his as he slipped his tongue into her mouth with the same passion as their bodies. They shuddered and jerked, gasping for air for long moments before he managed to roll her to the side, taking her into his arms.
He’d come home.
Or maybe she’d come home.
Either way, he was never, ever going to let her go. He ran his hands up and down her arms, just enjoying being in her presence when it hit him.
No condom.
“Shit,” he mumbled. “Are you taking birth control?”
She gasped, glancing up at him. “That wasn’t too smart.”
“Nothing we can do about it now.” And suddenly, he didn’t care. Having a kid with her had turned out to be amazing.
Having another one just might be exactly what they needed.
Now he’d gone and lost his fucking mind.