Chapter 15
15
Something inside her resisted him. Maybe PTSD was complicated, and maybe it was hindering her ability to pull herself together and dredging up all this old pain and regret, but she wasn’t ready to talk about anything plaguing her. She couldn’t. She had been through a boatload of trauma in a short span of time. She knew he was right down to her bones, but she couldn’t seem to allow herself to agree with him, to unburden herself to him. She couldn’t. No matter how much she craved his help.
She was so afraid. The fear was deep-seated and gave her no answers to that horrible shadow that followed her. That unknown fear kept her mouth shut, for now.
“Leigh?” he said, and she looked up, her expression reacting to the jolt of realization. Hazard was watching her, an odd thoughtful look in his eyes. He reached out and caught her by the back of the neck, giving her a little shake. “Whatever is happening to you. Let me help.”
She stared at him, suddenly dangerously close to tears again. What had happened to her wasn’t just the kidnapping and the fear…and the terrible death of Corporal…
How could you not remember his name? He gave his life for yours. Willingly.
She swallowed hard, frightened by the intensity of her frustration and pain. She pushed away that damn voice.
I will , she insisted.
The voice persisted. Ask someone for help. Ask them to tell you his name. Give in.
No! I will remember on my own without any help from anyone.
She shot up from the bed and paced away from him, groaning in despair. Hazard rose too, but she held up her hand. She was sick with the need to talk to him, get him to hold her, unburden herself, but the wad of fear in her throat just stuck and she couldn’t get those words past her lips. Instead, she snapped, “We are so entrenched in our own lives.” Her voice was strained, knowing these things had to be said. She stared at him, pleading with him to give her the time she needed to work this all out because if he pushed, she wasn’t sure she could resist him. “I need some time to be alone. Our lives have crossed in this place that only exists outside our boundaries because your normal world is the same as this one.”I can’t deal with all this right now. The most important thing is finding and apprehending Alzate. Do you understand?”
He was quiet for a moment, then he approached her. All she wanted to do was fold against his chest and spill her guts, but she didn’t have a clue what to say, what was plaguing her, besides the need to remember her corporal’s name.
He came closer and gently, oh, so gently, slipped a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. “I understand better than you’re probably giving me credit for. I’ll give you time, Leigh, but even I have a limit to my patience. You’re running yourself into the ground, and I’ll admit, thinking things through can be beneficial, but dammit, woman, sometimes you just need some help.” He slipped past her walking toward his room, but before he slipped inside, he said, “That help is right here with my two arms to hold you, and my big, intelligent brain, and my open heart. I have many mad skills, and you aren’t alone, so take advantage of them.”
Her anger and defensiveness fractured at those words, and she walked over to the bed and plopped down on it, her heart melting and melting. How could she be such a fool and why, oh why, couldn’t she just give in?
She stripped down to her underwear and searched around for his T-shirt. She pulled it over her head, loving the scent of him all over it. She slipped under the covers and closed her eyes, determined to work everything out inside her muddled head. She just needed some sleep. That’s all.
The next thing she knew, she was thrashing against a hard, muscled form. His hands were around her wrists, and she knew she was fighting for her life.
“Babe,” Hazard whispered, and the sound of his voice made her gasp. It was his hands around her wrists because she’d been trying to fight him off, lost in a nightmare she could barely remember.
“It was just a nightmare,” she said. “I’m going to be fine. It’s going to pass, and I’ll be fine.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
She lifted her chin as he reached over and turned on the light. He took in her face and sighed.
“I’m the one going through this, not you. Don’t question me all the time. I can do this by myself. I have to do this by myself. You can’t help. No one can help. That’s the way life is. You have to be alone to be independent. I have to remember on my own.”
He frowned as more obvious questions flashed in his eyes. “Just be quiet, Leigh, for just one second. This isn’t easy on either one of us.” Above her he looked so genuine, tawny stubble shadowing his jaw, his heavy-lidded eyes, and his tousled hair. He looked like the dangerous SEAL he was. He took a hard breath. “I know you’re probably in emotional overload, but I need to tell you I’m in love with you. I’m sure of it, and I can’t stand by and do nothing while you’re going through this. I don’t care what happened in your past, because your parents are full of fucking shit. Everyone needs someone in their life. Everyone. So, fucking lean on me. It won’t hurt. I promise.”
She gasped sharply at his words. They slammed against her like a battering ram, and she wanted with all her might to respond, but she refused to give him her heart when it was in such turmoil. “You are a beautiful soul, and I’m so honored to have you say that to me. I am, Archer. I’m truly humbled.”
“Thank you, Leigh, but I didn’t say those words to put pressure on you. So, take your time in getting all this mind-fucking shit cleared, and we’ll go after Alzate when we find him. For now, just talk to me. Tell me what you're going through. That’s all.”
It was as if the floodgates opened, and she started talking about the TOC massacre, the death and chaos around her, how she couldn’t move because her Marine had jumped in front of her to save her from the blast, his last dying breath, all the bullets flying around, and the ones he’d taken for her. She talked about how terrified she was, how awful it was to find her picture in the dirt, realizing that all of this carnage, death, and destruction had been because they had wanted her. It poured out of her in a long stream of pain, remorse, and guilt.
She so desperately wanted to ask about his family, whether he had a wife, children, and the pressure inside her to ask Hazard what his name was sat on her chest like a lead weight unwilling to move so she could breathe.
Unburdening herself about the guilt she carried for the people who had died either defending her or following their mission to capture Alzate went a long way in relieving some of the pain and remorse she carried.
He didn’t say anything while she went through everything. And, as her words trailed off, he gathered her up in his arms and held her against him with such gentle strength, she had to hold back the tears. Closing her eyes against a nearly unbearable surge of feeling for him, she nestled deeper into his embrace. He shifted and draped his leg across hers, then pulled her flush against him. Leigh swallowed hard as he drew the sheet over them, then began to slowly rub her back. It was as if all she needed was his physical warmth to let go, and she released another ragged sigh and turned her face against his, his beard rough against her skin, and the trembling slowly abated. Her eyes grew heavy, and she fell asleep and when he moved, she clasped him and said, “Don’t leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he murmured, kissing her softly on the head.
She stirred from sleep, not knowing why until she felt his distinct erection against her thigh. His breathing was even and slow, so that meant his erection was more about him being a man, than anything to do with desire.
Geez, that was so damn sexy, but what made her want him had nothing to do with his body—okay, maybe a little. It had more to do with who he was. He twitched a little, his beard scraping against her as he turned his head, his breath warm against her neck as he muttered her name.
He wasn’t fully awake, and the sound of her name did unbearable things to her heart, filling her with unbearable tenderness. She slipped her hand over his bare chest, across his hard abdomen, and beneath the hem of his boxer briefs, pushing them down, then she stripped off her clothes, needing him so badly she couldn’t breathe.
His breath rushed out when she straddled him, and those thick lashes lifted from those sleepy, aroused blue eyes. “I need you, Leigh,” he whispered.
Shaken to the core by the agony of need in his voice, her body primed for the feel of him, she clutched him.
His chest expanded when she rubbed her wet heat against him. “I need you, too, you sweet man,” she whispered, her voice breaking from the frenzy of hot, surging desire and tenderness. Hazard roughly tightened his hold and made a low sound, as she guided him into her. He whispered her name, locking her hips against his as he thrust uncontrollably in response to her tormenting rhythm. A low sound rumbled from him as he thrust into her with each drag of her hips.
“Leigh,” he whispered raggedly. “Take everything I have. It’s yours.”
Hauling in a ragged breath, he dragged his hands up her back, releasing his hold on her hips, and she launched an assault on his senses as she settled on him. A tremor coursed through him, and she felt him revel in the way she was loving him, relentlessly, savagely, limitlessly. His surrender was as beautiful as he was as she experienced a rush of emotion so overwhelming that it left her shaking, but she forced her body to respond, moving against him, pushing him fiercely into sensations. The memory of having her mouth on him in the shower, the way he’d groaned and moved against her made her slide harder and deeper on him, the sensations in her clit tightening with a sharp ride into her release.
She lowered her head and captured his mouth. Wanting to give him all she had to give, Leigh yielded her mouth fully to him, and he shuddered again, and twisted beneath her, his face contorting in unbearable pleasure. His words were barely coherent as he ground out, “Fuck, Leigh.”
She rose, drawing him helplessly with her, and he went rigid beneath her, suspended at the very edge of release. Overwhelmed by all the feelings she had for him, she leaned back, giving him the full depth of her as he arched up, tremors coursing through him as he climaxed deep inside her.
With protectiveness welling up in her, she cradled his face against her shoulder, holding him with every ounce of comfort she possessed as the aftermath left him shaking.
She held him like that for several moments, feeling so surrounded by him that it was almost as though he had drawn her inside his very soul. And she closed her eyes, soaking up the feeling of being loved by him.
Without fail, he held her like he was holding her now, as though he, too, needed that moment of quiet physical closeness, and it was as important to her as the sex. This was their space, and it should be free of infringements, interruptions, distractions. But that terrible guilt remained with her, making her mute, making her refuse to take the final step and ask him for the help she needed.
When morning dawned, the sky was heavy and overcast. Leigh had been unable to sleep after Hazard had confessed to her that he loved her, then that uncontrolled lovemaking that had followed. True to his nature, he hadn’t pushed her into responding, and he hadn’t been holding himself from her because of it.
Her whole foundation shook.
That wasn’t only love. That was unconditional love with no expectations or demands. Just an open, giving man who accepted her for who she was without pressure. It was such an alien feeling, such a wonder she couldn’t wrap her heart or her head around it.
He still gave her everything he had, and it humbled her that she couldn’t do the same. She couldn’t seem to connect those three words with what she was feeling.
Of course it was wonderful, exhilarating, thrilling, and terrified her to the deepest core of her soul. That something that had been building in her since the day she met Hazard coalesced into this warm, harmonizing feeling that she wanted to hang onto, but something dark and intent worked against it. Maybe if she didn’t have so much on her mind, she’d be able to work out that tangle and get to the answers she needed within herself to reciprocate his love.
He loved her?
How was that possible after how difficult she’d been, how exacting, and stubborn, and a pain in his ass? How could she reconcile this wonderful feeling with the jagged and churning mixed emotions she couldn’t understand or decipher? How could she return his love purely, honestly, and without any restraint when all those emotions posed such an insurmountable barrier?
She moved away from his warm, muscled body and slipped out of bed. The importance of his feelings toward her did force her into a decision: accept what he offered and compromise what she needed to compromise to be with him. It wouldn’t be an easy commitment, but she couldn’t stop thinking how fulfilling, substantive, and real all of it would be…with him.
This man saw almost all of her flaws and he apparently still loved her in spite of them. In fact, he embraced them, incorporating his special ability to go toe to toe with her and get her to see his point of view, while he absorbed and worked at understanding hers. What a freaking treasure he was.
He probably would scoff at that, and it made her smile.
As she got ready for the day, she was prepared to get this show on the road and apprehend Alzate. But by the time she got downstairs to the command center, she was agitated, impatient and annoyed.
“How is it going? Do we have the okay from the Colombian government?” she asked Anna, who was standing near a tech going over some intel.
So engrossed with the information she’d received, Anna didn’t look up. “Not yet, but I expect?—”
“What the hell is the hold-up?” Leigh shouted, slamming her hand on the desk. “We’re going to lose Cristo to either assassination or flight! We need that authorization now!” Her frustration and anger came out of nowhere as if she had finally reached the end of her mental rope.
Everyone in the room stopped moving, working, or even breathing as a jarring silence stretched out between them. Leigh knew she was overreacting, but she couldn’t help herself. It was as if she was watching herself crash and burn and there was nothing she could do about it.
“Leigh,” Anna said softly, her attention now fully on her, concern darkening her eyes. “These things take time. We don’t want to overstep our bounds and create animosity. We need Colombia’s approval before we?—”
“I don’t care. We’re wasting time,” she said, thinking this case was going down the tubes and every single person who had been murdered at Alzate’s order wouldn’t get the justice they deserved. From a hard-working petty officer to her boss and the Organized Crime Drug Enforcement Task Force to a sweet old lady and her dog, to a Marine corporal. Everything went dead still for Leigh—the sounds, her hands, her heart—and it felt as if every drop of blood had drained from her head.
“Get Hazard,” Anna said, but it was like Leigh was hearing all this through water. It was muffled and indistinct. She was too preoccupied with her internal turmoil.
Oh, God. What was his name? What was it? She had to remember! She had to!
“I know you’re upset,” Anna said, moving toward her, but Leigh didn’t want to be cajoled or touched or calmed. “I can offer my assurance?—”
“No, you don’t understand,” Leigh shouted. She didn’t want assurances. She just wanted to remember his name! Her breathing, so labored she could hardly get the words out, Leigh pressed her hand against her chest. Feeling trapped and frantic, Leigh turned toward Anna. She backed up, noting the pain and compassion in Anna’s eyes, feeling that she didn’t deserve it. She was a fake, a phony. She had been hiding for years. Years . Her back hit the wall.
Her breathing increased as Leigh braced both hands on her thighs and bent over, fighting for every breath, her face wet with perspiration and tears. Through the ringing in her ears, a vague sound of a man’s voice intruded in her mind, indistinct and tinny, echoing in deep tones. I’ll keep her safe. Like a strobe, a series of images flashed across her brain, the corporal’s face close up in death, then in life, then in death again. It played like an excruciating reel. Bullets thundered in her already ringing ears, as the explosion happened over and over again and he was there, protecting her with his life. Every time.
Her adrenaline spiked, and she felt sick. Leigh closed her eyes and sagged against the wall, a sob twisting loose.
Anna’s expression sharpened with alarm. “Calm down, Leigh. You’re having a panic attack. I know it’s frustrating and difficult to wait. But everything is all right. We’ll get the information we need.”
Struggling to control the awful shakiness in her legs, Leigh clenched her hands and swallowed hard. She felt so all alone and hollow. “No, that’s not it.” She closed her eyes and slid down the wall, her chest so tight, she could barely breathe. Fighting to control the panicky feeling that gripped her as the inescapable reality hit home.
She couldn’t remember, and there was nothing that she could do except ask for help.
“What’s going on here?” a deep voice asked, shouldering his way through not only Hazard’s teammates but through the techs who all just wanted to help her. She was so damned embarrassed by her meltdown, but it had been necessary. She needed to hit rock bottom before she could claw her way up to that tantalizing light in the distance.
The man crouched down in front of her, and her eyes blinked open. It was the new commander, Hollywood. It was an appropriate call name. The man was that handsome. He could have been a movie star.
“Leigh, is it?” he asked.
She nodded, unable to speak right now.
“What is happening to you? Tell me.”
She didn’t want to tell him. She wanted Hazard. “Please, where is Archer,” she whispered.
“He’s on his way.”
That sounded like Skull, the concern in his voice made her feel lighter.
“Okay, then Leigh. Breathe with me. In and out. Slowly.”
She evened out her breaths, matching his as he soothed her.
Suddenly someone was making the crowd shift, and he was there. “Leigh, I’m here.” His tone was soft and reassuring. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t remember his name.” She clutched at his shirt, her throat aching. “I keep trying to remember, but I can’t.” She exhaled a hard breath, her guilt peaking, and she finally surrendered everything to him. “I feel so awful that he died for me, and I can’t remember. Please, help me. What is his name?”
Hazard swallowed hard, but before he could answer, another deep voice intruded. “Lance Corporal Bradley Shaw,” he said. “If he was here right now, ma’am, he would tell you that what he did for you was part of who we are. We’re United States Marines. First in, last out. He died with honor and courage, and when I attended his funeral in his home state of Massachusetts, I told his parents just that. He upheld every last tenet of our credo. He would also do it again.”
“Semper Fi,” the Marines surrounding him called out, the shout echoing in the room.
Her throat got tight, and her chest filled. She nodded and managed a rough whisper. “Was he married? Did he have children?”
“Yes, he did. His wife Gina and his children Jack and Wade are all very proud of him.”
She closed her eyes, a sharp pain radiating through her chest. Corporal Shaw and his family had made the ultimate sacrifice, just like Jamie had, just like Hazard would do. She closed her eyes at the thought of losing him, trying to come to terms with that inconsolable loss, and she had no idea how she was going to reconcile that reality with how she felt about him. She breathed a sigh of relief. Knowing his name was what she had needed, and even as she grieved for his wife and children, she honored his sacrifice by deciding to live her life to the fullest. “Thank you, Captain. Thank you so very much.”
Without saying anything, Hazard scooped her into his arms, then rose in one powerful move as if she weighed nothing.
He strode out of the room as she nodded to anyone who met her gaze, trying to project her thanks to all of them.
Hazard entered the elevator and took her up to their suite. Once inside he set her down on the couch and dragged her into his arms. For the longest time, he just held her, and she was so grateful for them all.
“I’m sorry, Hazard,” she whispered, cupping his face and looking up into his eyes, a sudden rush of emotion catching in her throat.
“For what?” he murmured, tightening his hold.
“For holding out on you, for not being able to just ask you for your help.”
“Why didn’t you?” There was no judgment in his voice, just a simple question, and that made it even easier to respond.
“I’ve tried to be independent my whole life, it was pounded into me by my mother, and the one time I wasn’t, I got punished for it. I didn’t want to lean on anyone because I thought that would diminish me somehow, but now I know that leaning on someone only makes me stronger.”
She released the tension in her body. She had bottled up so much over the last few days, along with all that terrible stuff about her own life that had led her to a breakdown. It was as if there simply wasn’t room for anything more, and it was finally spilling out, whether she wanted it to or not.
There was a firm knock on the door, and Hazard left her to go answer it. Skull was standing on the outside. “We’ve gotten the go-ahead for Cristo. We’re kitting up and moving out. Iceman wants you to stay with Leigh. We’ve got this,” he said, turning to look at her. “We’re getting one step closer.”
She nodded, still feeling a little shaky, and sat back on the couch. One step closer to Alzate. Soon this would be over, and then she’d have to face the reality about her relationship with Hazard. Separating from him was going to be impossible…or was it?